> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://pete.news/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Are things actually saving me? - URL: https://pete.news/hellocomputer/are-things-actually-saving-me/ - Published: 2022-03-04T16:12:04.000Z - Updated: 2024-03-25T17:59:03.000Z - Author: Pete Carr - Tags: HelloComputer, #ToSort, #HelloComputer, depression, running, #wordpress ## hello camera This week’s photo are from a walk around Port Sunlight, a model village with strict rules about how maintain your house. Beautiful village. You can get prints of the photos in this [weeks newsletter on my print store](https://petecarr.photoshelter.com/gallery-collection/Hello-Computer-Newsletter/C0000xA107jFZfJs) or you can [tip me on Ko-Fi](http://ko-fi.com/petecarr) so I can buy film for my camera. --- ![Trees hibernating on top of little round stone platforms.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/L1260999-pete-carr.jpg) --- ## Are things actually saving me? I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I’m doing it? I’m doing it! What can I really do? *woosh* That was my brain the other day when I went for a run. I ran 15km simply because I wanted to. I haven’t ran that far in about 5 years. I haven’t ran more than 5km in about 2 years and I only really got back into running at the start of the year after a 2 year break due to plantar fasciitis (horrific foot pain). How did I just do 15km? It was nice out and I wanted to run. Ok that’s a bit lifestyle magazine vomit inducing “Just do it! Run. It saved my life.” nonsense that I dislike. There were two reasons why I wanted to run. 1. It was nice out and I genuinely wanted to do a 10km run to prove to myself that I still can after my 2 year break. 2. I wanted to feel the pain of long distance running. I wanted to hurt as a reminder to myself that even in pain I can still do things. I put on my red lipstick, running gear and I run. The first 10 minutes are the worst. My brain says no. It tells me to stop. I feel exhausted after 2 minutes and maybe I should stop but I don’t. I run. Eventually my brain is ok with the new reality of running not walking and I settle in for a run. 15 km later and I feel good. Free from depression? No. Cured? No. Reminded that I can do things? Yes. The last few days I’ve been thinking about running. I ran this morning and again “I can’t do this. I can’t. I can? Hey I’m running!” Every time. I’m reminded of when I first started running and doing a 30 second burst felt like it was taking years off my life. I believed I would never be able to run for 1 minute let alone 5 minutes. 2 years later and I ran a marathon in 5hrs 35 minutes. How did I go from 30 seconds to 5hrs 35 minutes? I didn’t know that I could not do it and I didn’t hate it so I kept improving. The thought of whether I was any good or not didn’t enter into it. I simply wanted to see if I could. So I did. Every time my brain told me to stop but 10 minutes in and I was ok and I was running. Over the past few years of doing Hello Computer I’ve been writing about how activities haven’t “[saved me](https://hellocomputer.co/has-anything-helped-my-depression/)” like they have others. Have I been thinking about them in the wrong way? “I went for a run but was still depressed. It hasn’t saved me.” Is that like saying a drank 8 glasses of water and it never saved me? You may find a glass of water at the right time is refreshing. Having your 8 glasses of water a day might seem pointless but it’s probably having an effect on you you can’t see. Maybe these activities are too? Maybe sometimes going for a run at the right time will be great but most times it’ll be every day running. Maybe they won’t fix me every time but that doesn’t mean I should listen to that voice in my head telling me that I’m worthless and shouldn’t exist. Maybe it helps a little. Maybe it helps chip away at a larger problem and I’ll never know the effect. When my brain tells me it’s pointless and it hasn’t saved me I need to respond with “So?” Today I am less worse. The [depression that robbed me of my life is still there](https://hellocomputer.co/what-do-i-want/). It’s a little less overpowering. A single 15 km run didn’t remove it. Another 15 km won’t remove it. Maybe they will help make it more manageable? If I can just get my daily life into that post-10 minutes place where I’m living not hating my existence then maybe I can believe I can do anything and actually do something. I did this, right? --- ![A 2 storey house with a neatly mowed lawn. There are some leaves on the lawn. It is autumn.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/L1220006-pete-carr.jpg) --- ## hello world - [Do you have access needs when attending arts & cultural events? Interested in helping Arts Council England develop a UK-wide arts access scheme for D/deaf, disabled or neurodivergent people?](https://forms.office.com/pages/responsepage.aspx?id=Mvymxzh1DkupagX4VQB8EXzDCeLfutxIiXtN7oSUz2hUNFo1Rkg4TEhMRkVWQU1EN1czNUROWlhQSS4u) - [Nuclear War Anxiety Is Back. Here’s How to Manage It.](https://www.vice.com/en/article/jgmke8/nuclear-war-anxiety-is-back-heres-how-to-manage-it) - [I just want to be competitive again’: Trans cyclist Emily Bridges on preparing to race in the female category](https://www.cyclingweekly.com/fitness/i-just-want-to-be-competitive-again-trans-cyclist-emily-bridges-on-preparing-to-race-in-the-female-category) - [Ruby Okoro on how he uses photography to help him process complex and challenging emotions](https://www.itsnicethat.com/articles/ruby-okoro-photography-030322) - [In conversation with Elegance Bratton: “I needed to tell these stories to heal myself” – Mermaids](https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/news/elegance-bratton-interview/) - [Latest coronavirus advice from the National Autistic Society (UK)](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/coronavirus) --- ![A 2 storey house painted white with a large collection of plants around the ground floor window.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/Port-Sunlight-L1250079-pete-carr-pete-carr.jpg) --- ## helloooo nurse Toxic positivity affirmations are bad, and so is this. > Believe you can and you’re halfway there. Woah oh you’re half way there. Woah oh believing on a prayer. --- ![A large tree backlit against the evening sun.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/L1004196-pete-carr.jpg)