Autism and ADHD

Like having a brain filled with cats all wanting different things [232]

A group of people standing in the River Mersey as a strong sunrise illuminates the morning sky.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic writer and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a lovely chilly dip in the River Mersey as the sun came up. The next few months will be a lot of fun for dipping.

Sunrise colours reflected in the choppy waves of the River Mersey

Captain’s Log

In an attempt to mitigate issues from one medical condition, I inadvertently created another. This week I have mostly been recovering from Achilles tendon issues. It’s not all bad. I got to photograph comedian / artist Johnny Vegas. I even made him laugh.

Autism and ADHD

In the morning I have a coffee, which doesn’t appear to affect my ADHD. So I have a cold shower and that wakes me up. I follow up with some fresh new music, Doom Loop by Dream Nails. I feel ready and excited for the day. Dopamine powers activate!

We head to the supermarket and it’s chaos. Everything everywhere, all at once. People. Products. Deals. Machines. Babies. Adults. Trollies. Lights. Camera. Shutdown. It’s a mess. I tried to decide between ciabatta bread and panini, a simple choice, but I appeared to be making it at a bottleneck point for trollies. It was a mess and I felt like I was the cause of the problem and needed to leave. I wasn’t. It’s just how I feel sometimes, like I’m in everyone’s way. I felt pressured and I couldn’t make a simple decision. My autistic sensory issues did not like this space.

Being autistic with ADHD is complex. My autistic side loves to hyper-focus on topics, but only when my ADHD side is really into it. Otherwise, my ADHD side wants to look out the window for squirrels. Some days my ADHD side is excited to get out into the world, but then it’s too bright and there are too many people around. My autistic side shuts me down.

My brain is constantly fighting itself. There are times when it all clicks. Working as a photographer in the arts I love new experiences. I get to photograph music, dance, galleries, people, and interesting objects. My ADHD side is curious and my autistic side wants to know more. I really enjoy those experiences. Learning, exploring, playing with light and the sense of achievement I get from seeing a photo work on the camera screen. It’s great. I’m happy being autistic with ADHD.

Life, for me, is a constant process of questioning and understanding who I am and how I function in the world. Having formal diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ADHD means I know I have these issues to live with. Life makes more sense now, even if it feels like a more complicated balancing act than it should be. “I just want to… but I can’t.” I know why I should avoid certain moments and go all in on others. Shopping at peak hours can ruin my day. Going to a museum with a camera can make me feel like I can function as a human. Slowly I am understanding my place in this world. Slowly.