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Autistic and struggling, or righteous and arrogant?

Righteously righting what once went wrong. [240]

Autistic and struggling, or righteous and arrogant?
Just after sunset, at dusk, there is a pink glow in the sky. The moon is rising and there is snow covering the promenade by the River Mersey.

Captain’s Log

Hello! I’ve lost count of how many weeks it’s been now with my foot issue. One joint heals, and another becomes painful. I’m on my 3rd joint issue down there but the doctors can’t do much because going to A&E is a 9-hour wait. Wow. Medication and rest. It is doable as I’ve now finished all my commissioned photography for 2023. It’s been a great year. Financially, it’s still a struggle, but the things I’ve seen have been fascinating. Double in 2024 and I’ll be OK.

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The photos in this post are from various snowy days.

In a small park snow covers the ground and the trees. There is a feint orange glow in the sky.
In a small park snow covers the ground and the trees. There is a feint orange glow in the sky.

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Christmas Prints! There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

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As the sunrises the sky is filled with deep red colours and clouds. Across the River Mersey there are buildings and homes covered with snow.
As the sunrises the sky is filled with deep red colours and clouds. Across the River Mersey there are buildings and homes covered with snow.

Autistic and struggling, or righteous and arrogant?

While watching the Doctor Who episode “The Giggle” I saw myself. Not in the Doctor or a companion, as I’ve previously discussed, but in the outraged humans. If you haven’t seen the episode there’s a MacGuffin that makes everyone believe they are right about everything and they’re not afraid to share those opinions. Everything outrages them and they push back hard. That’s where I felt seen, and it made me uncomfortable.

The episode was clever in that it didn’t take sides about who was right or wrong. The issue was with everyone feeling righteous. I certainly don’t feel like I’m walking around on a high horse, which is a neat trick to pull off, believing that I’m right about everything. I do walk around calling out what I believe to be issues though. The Quantum Leap lifestyle, “striving to put right what once went wrong.”

Cars parked on the pavement causing havoc for disabled people. Photographers using colonial photography terms like shoot, take, or capture. People calling me Sir. How can they not see I’m no sir? I mean, really. Someone not recycling correctly. Saying “with autism” instead of “autistic person”. Someone walking too close to me during an airborne pandemic. No one in the medical centre wearing a mask, even though it’s the place for Covid boosters. The person pronouncing supposedly supposebly. Arg! Why does everyone have to be different? My life would be much easier if they listened to me.

Hmm. Not good.

Since learning that I’m disabled and that non-binary is how I want to identify I’ve been on a bit of an activist streak. This very newsletter is a way for me to share these sides of my life with people so they can better understand, but it was never about me saying I was right. It was always about putting thoughts out there. Share not preach. Looking back, I wonder how many of these newsletters are a reaction to being outraged.

It’s tough to control. I’m sure my ADHD makes me notice too many things and then my autistic side overthinks them all. Or maybe it’s the result of being on social media for over a decade, or reading the news where everyone has an opinion? I’d like to think that it was a recent change for me due to these factors, but I was a massive dick before social media.

I’ve argued on so many forums in my time because I struggle with empathy. Everything makes perfect sense to me. If I can just find the right words in the right order, they’ll get it. I know I’m right. Why don’t they get it? People would tell me that what I have is an opinion, not a fact and that you can’t tell someone their opinion is wrong. I would reply with “Well, in my opinion, I’m right and you can’t say that’s wrong because it’s only an opinion.” This led to a healthy image of egotistical dick because I was an egotistical dick.

I’ve argued with friends, with random people on the internet all night because they were “wrong” and I’ve lost friends because I “stuck to my guns”. I left a photography group because I believed what I was doing was right and they were all wrong. Months of arguing, me not backing down, and tears. Now I avoid those people because I don’t know how to be around them. So many people I don’t know how to be around. Autism? Arrogance? Arse?

If it were just an autistic trait I would still be that person, but I’ve grown over the years as I’ve learnt more about being autistic. Having a healthy understanding of what issues may affect me means I try harder to keep them in check. I often fail, but at least with hindsight, I can see where I’ve gone wrong rather than double down on arrogance. Yet, watching Doctor Who I realised that I’m still that person only with the backing of social justice instead of “that photo is not sharp.” I surround myself with like-minded people providing me with the necessary confirmation bias to go “See, see! This! They said it too, thus I’m right.”

But but but but the betterment of society? Cars block wheelchairs when parked on pavements. Gender-neutral toilets are good. Masks are good. Reply guys on social media are dicks. I must reply to them and tell them not to reply! Over-processed HDR photography is bad, despite me righteously promoting it once upon a time, I’m now righteously saying it’s bad. I’m trying to do good. Aren’t I?

Maybe none of this matters and I’m autistically overthinking. Maybe I’m being “too” autistic about the entire thing, whatever being “too” autistic is. Maybe I want the dopamine hit from being right? This is the thing about being autistic. No one gave me a manual on how to exist in the world. Everyone else seems to get it. They seem to operate in the social world without a second thought about their actions. I have to question, debate, analyse, overthink, and discuss whether I’m overthinking or not. My life’s work is struggling with how to make my life work.

How do you deal with something you perceive to be bad and try to fix it? If someone says they’re playing a video game by someone you perceive to be toxic, what do you do? Do you spit your coffee all over them, tell them how wrong they are about the world and that they better cancel it before you cancel them? Do you let it all go and practice mindfulness in the hope the other person somehow comes to a better conclusion? Is the best way forward to show another way of debating, and fighting, by letting it all go? I’ve pondered this before with the idea of emotions being communicable via social media. Maybe that is all we can do? Accept that responding in kind is not a way forward and respond with humility instead. That, or maybe going into the next room and shouting the c-word into a pillow 20 times.

As I’m writing this on a bus I’m reminded of a mental health trick. You can’t control who comes onto the bus, but you can control your response. When outraged, control your response. It feels impossible to do in the modern world. Just this week Threads algorithm showed me the outrage at photographers discussing street photography. A social media algorithm can’t tell the difference between outrage and useful engagement. So these things are pushed in our faces. It’s so hard to break free when it feels like there are outrageous things everywhere.

Seeing an extreme version of myself in Doctor Who has made me question how I try and do good. I thought I was helping, maybe I’m not?

Christmas is coming and it’s the most problematic time of the year. So, while I don’t know what’s best maybe someone else does.

During a deep red sunrise a ship heads out the River Mersey while birds fly. There is a light dusting of snow on the rocks.
During a deep red sunrise a ship heads out the River Mersey while birds fly. There is a light dusting of snow on the rocks.

Transporter room

As the sky turns purple a person walks along the river bed of the Mersey while the tide is out. It’s a cold morning and there is a dusting of snow on the rocks.
As the sky turns purple a person walks along the river bed of the Mersey while the tide is out. It’s a cold morning and there is a dusting of snow on the rocks.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

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petes out 🖖

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