Am I brave?

4 years ago, I wrote a piece on being brave and swimming naked in a cold Welsh lake, which was inspired by a video I saw 8 years ago about a woman swimming naked in the lakes of Wales. That video did not inspire me to run naked into cold water, but the idea of being able to live your life struck a chord with me.

I have spent 4 years (I guess 43 years really) learning, trying, tip-toeing, exploring, fighting, hating myself, and being the best version of myself to affect change. Amazingly, it worked?

Am I bold, brave and courageous? No. Maybe? No. I’m just me. Imposter syndrome, or maybe an attempt to be humble and not egotistical? A bit of both, probably and yet I’m doing things others don’t. A marathon. Swimming with ice floats. Wearing lipstick. Wearing my clothes bought from the women’s section of a store outside in public for all to see. Wearing my bold colourful tights and skirt outdoors for all to see, with bold purple lipstick on and a purple beard. Wearing those things, then taking them off to get into a lake naked. Ok, there’s a slim chance I’m a little bold, brave and courageous these days.

4 years later, am I being the best version of myself, or am I still that same person overthinking, being anxious, and hoping that one day I will be able to live?

It's the evening before the summer solstice, and I'm paddling in the waters of Barmouth Bay with my wife and friend. It took a few goes to get into the water because I saw a few jellyfish floating around. The sea is their home, and they have every right to attack me for being in it. Naturally, I am afraid of being stung, so I give them the space they deserve and stay out of the water. My wife and friend insist it’ll be fine, and I bravely make it over to them.

We chat, and the conversation drifts to body positivity and confidence. What is confidence, I ponder. Is it being yourself amongst strangers, being part of a crowd of like-minded people or being yourself with your friends by taking a risk and opening up to them? Is it chatting about confidence while surrounded by jellyfish?

The reason I'm pondering confidence is that I want to do a summer solstice skinny swim. I don’t want to get naked in the water, I want to throw my towel robe high and fearlessly run in. As it would be at 4:30 am, the only people on the beach would be my friends and I, but as they would be there, I felt it was only polite to ask their permission first. Would they be OK with me getting naked on the beach and running into the water? Interestingly, would I?

Oddly, the summer solstice has become a time of year when I do something I never thought I could. One year, we climbed Eryri at 1 am to see the sunrise. I was incredibly anxious about the climb in the dark, but enjoyed it. Another year, we went to a Druid solstice ceremony. I enjoy our adventures in Wales. They're a combination of incredible views, fear facing and nudging myself towards being a person who can live their life. But getting naked in front of friends? At the age of nearly 47, which is nearly 50, it isn't something I recall ever doing. No wild nights out as a teenager, as I had the internet to explore in the 90s. It was way more interesting to me. Maybe I should have spent that time living? Would I be less afraid at 46?

As I continue to ponder all this, my wife tells me that our friend knows I went for a naked walk along a naturist beach while they were on a long hike. She is telling me this because I hid it. After all, I was afraid of what people might think if they knew I happily spent over 3 hours there completely naked on the beach for all to see. What would people think if they knew I enjoyed a calming experience of rest and stunning mountain views in a quiet part of the world... whilst naked amongst strangers? My Garmin stress levels were lower than when on the first day of our holiday, when I had socialised with friends I don’t see often. Amazingly, sitting naked on the beach was probably the calmest time of the trip. I was doing something I never thought I could do, facing my fears and finding serenity in this wild world. But I couldn’t tell anyone this, could I? People would see me as weird, not brave, so I can’t tell anyone.

Thankfully, our friend did understand and thought I was quite brave. It’s not something she would have done, which was funny because I was admiring her bravery to swim with the jellyfish we both feared. Brains eh? Weird little things. Why was it easier to walk naked on a beach than to tell friends? Why find the strength inside yourself to be brave, to be bold, to be courageous and then be too scared to tell anyone? It’s silly. Oh, so silly. Knowing that she was OK with it, I mentioned how I wanted to skinny dip on the solstice, and she said I should go for it. I checked with our other friend who was attending, and she was also fine with it.

At 4:45 am, as the sun came up behind the hills of Barmouth and my friends waded into the water, I threw my towel hoodie off and ran into the sea naked. I never run in, even when wearing briefs. I’m cautious. Sensible. Not today. Today I was myself for all to see. Today I was brave, bold and courageous.

Which leaves me wondering about whether I am now a brave person able to live? I thought I was 4 years ago when I swam naked in a lake, but this event made me realise that there is still a big part of my being that will overthink something and give me reason to worry. It holds me back from being me or exploring who I can be. Which is absurd when I wear skirts outside and face that fear every single day. At what point does your brain have the confidence to let you live? Do I need to try fire walking? Naked fire walking? Skydiving? Naked skydiving? Should I do naked TED Talks? Is it even possible to relax and not overthink everything as an autistic person, or is this who I am? Maybe I am brave, but I will never believe I am until Davina McCall shows me my best bits on my deathbed. Only then can I truly accept that I was brave.

Until that happens, here is actuall evidence of me being brave. It was quite a solstice. Interestingly, research has been done that suggests my act of bravey is good for you.

Enduring discomfort together may bring people closer, especially when it's mixed with a bit of joy, according to a study involving mass mid-winter river swims.

So, if you're feeling brave will I see you in September when I'll be running into the North Sea on my birthday weekend in my birthday suit as part of the North East Skinny Dip?

Links

• Pleasure and pain: what nude sunrise swims in winter tell us about social connection - UQ News - The University of Queensland, Australia. Enduring discomfort together may bring people closer, especially when it’s mixed with a bit of joy, according to a study involving mass mid-winter river swims.
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