Can I be ok?

hello friend

Hello. Good week? I got a new food processor after killing the old one. The old one was really old. 1980s old. It had done us proud but all good things must come to an end. So went to buy a new one. Everything was sold out. Thankfully we were not in an urgent need for a new machine so we waited for the one we liked and it arrived this week. I’m in love. It has scales built in so you never need a separate ingredients bowl to weigh things in. Tiny feature but a real game changer in our kitchen. I made cookies. They’re great. I’m looking forward to doing more. I should be doing more business stuff. Planning for the return to society and all that but right now any thoughts about post-pandemic life just break me. So I’m baking and I’m sorting the office. I also bought a new chair for the front room.

mental health

I’ve been “ok” this past week. When I say ok I mean in control of things, mostly. I nipped to the shops and it was incredibly stressful. A woman in a shop got near me and the assistant had to tell her to back off. My heart rate was around 90 or 100. It’s normally 45-50 resting. Going out for food from a corner shop should not be that stressful.

That makes me think about the future and about work. If I’m photographing a building with my gear all set perfectly waiting for a cloud to move and someone walks towards me what do I do? Taser? Scream? Abandon hope? The future is riddled with anxiety.

So I’m trying not to think about it. It all leads to catastrophising and I know how bad that can be.

That’s the important thing with depression. It’s knowing the paths and triggers. Being able to spot something before it takes you to a bad place is incredibly important. I’m not brilliant at it by any means but I’m getting better at noticing patterns. So instead of endless thought cycles about the future I’m scanning old photos and preparing to move a bookshelf upstairs. I think that’s totally fine for now.

photos

Atocha Station in Madrid, 2011. In 1992 this beautiful train station had its tracks removed and the space was converted into a topical garden. Wonderful Idea.