Confidence

hello camera

This week’s photos are recent landscapes from a costal walk I did out in Liverpool Bay.

You can get prints of the photos in this weeks newsletter on my print store or you can tip me on Ko-Fi so I can buy film for my camera.

How am I confident?

This weekend I have;

Ran 10 km in leggings without shorts on to hide my shame. I’m fine with it. If others have an issue then they need to look inward not crotchward.
Ran 10 km with red lipstick on. Why? Activism and rebellion. I get a lot of looks from men when I do this. Society has created this idea, based on colours in nature (which are possibly different for colourblind people anyway) that red is fire, heat, passion, danger. It’s also just red.
Walked 6 km to the furthest point you can walk to in the Liverpool Bay at low tide while wearing green lipstick, black eye shadow and a red skirt. It was practical in that the skirt is made from weather proofed material and quickly dries. Not tight like shorts so you can move freely. Looks great on me and shows off my legs which I’ve made look good from running. Also rebellion and activism. Chances are no-one like me, a non-binary autistic person, has done that. Chances are no-ones seen a non-binary autistic person do that either.
Swam for 40 minutes on a cold day in tiny speedos. No wet suit. Why? To prove to myself I can. To show others you don’t need to be a walking block of tattooed testosterone aggressively punching their way through the water and snapping a shark in half at the end. I’m a trans non-binary neurodivergent autistic person with ADHD, sensory issues ago-go suffering from depression and anxiety. I also have the body of someone shaped more by beer than swimming. When I walk out the water I don’t imagine I’m James Bond waking out the ocean in slow motion. I imagine I’m everything I am and proud of it. I imagine most people would put their hands in the water and be shocked at the cold. Most people don’t do these things. I’m not most people.
Went for walks in a skirt, tights, and makeup with the body of an assigned male at birth person with a penis in their pants and a spring in their step. Everything is made up, accepted and then fought over. What you’re seeing is someone remind you that everything is made up. We used to wear vastly different clothes. Men used to wear pink and women blue. Togas used to be a thing. It’s all made up. People are afraid of change, difference, and can be so dependent on the system that they unconsciously fight for it. It’s just a skirt mate. Relax. Any issue is in their head and they need to figure it out. People do stare at me and it is hard work just walking down the road but I am happy to be me.

12 years ago I was 23 stone. I wore all black and multiple layers to hide how overweight I was. I hated being seen because generally I was only ever seen as a fat man. Today I’m 16 stone (ish). If people see me now they see someone doing things they might not have the confidence to do. They see someone being themselves. They see someone fighting anxiety to better themselves. I hope I am able to inspire others. I honestly have no idea where this confidence comes from but I want to use it, when I am able to, to try and change the world and hopefully make it easier for others.

I follow an amazing woman on Instagram who post photos of themselves standing naked on rocks, bum to camera, holding a pasty in one hand and a Cornish flag in another. Another climbs the fells of the Lakes, swimming in her underwear and posting photos without fear because she is happy with who she is, her underwear is great and dries quicker than a swim suit. The internet could be a much better place for women but it’s great to see these women doing things like this. It inspires me. Not to post photos of myself naked holding a sausage roll in one hand and a Starfleet flag in another (🤔) but to not give a fuck about whatever is going on in someone’s head and just to focus on my thoughts and confidence to be ok being me.

I’m saying all this in the hope that it connects with someone who needs a confidence boost. I’m still don’t quite understand where I get this confidence to be myself. As such it is hard to give any concrete tips about how to be more confident. Thankfully that means there’s no danger of me turning into a toxic positivity wellness coach. For one I’m a Carr not a coach… Maybe the biggest boost to confidence is remembering that as long as you are not harming others or breaking any laws you are not doing anything wrong. If someone has an issue with something you’re doing it’s simply an opinion. That opinion, like yours, is generated in their head. If they believe it to be wrong you can believe it to be right just as strongly.

Annoyingly I am just a person. I can swim 40 minutes in cold water, walk out afterwards to reveal my beer belly to the world and not have any issues with how I look. However, I can’t have any confidence in my photography. I rarely post photos online. I feel massive imposter syndrome. I feel like a failure and that everyone is doing better than me. How can I feel that and at the same time contemplate standing on a rock somewhere naked waving a Starfleet flag? (Not that I am contemplating this at all 👀) It’s not fascinating and infuriating. If I could only channel my personal confidence to my work while avoiding ego inflating I could afford to buy a Starfleet flag for no specific reason…