Depression. What? What?! WHAT?!

I could do with a Doctor. [237]

At dusk, through a rain-soaked window on the Mersey Ferry, the Liver Building appears.

Captain’s Log

Christmas Prints! Ding ding ding. Come and get em. There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

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Christmas Prints!

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A man sits at the front of the ferry with a coffee. It is sunny, early morning, and the light is pouring through the window. The Liver Building is outside.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from various early morning ferry trips ‘cross the Mersey. Loved that early light.

Depression. What? What?! WHAT?!

My foot sprain is not getting better. Coming up to 6 weeks now. I was pain-free this week so I caught up with some housework, did 2 photo commissions and now it’s back to sleepless nights and pain. I have to work. I can just about get through a commission which is good because I need money. A lens broke recently too. One of the cheapest, but still.

Between the foot sprain and my arthritis, I’m catastrophising. If this is me at 45, how do I get to 85? 6 weeks of lying on the couch has been worse for my mental health than physical. I can feel the depression I had 2 years ago, waiting. The other week I was telling my wife I was doing good. No depressive feelings. Now? I can feel it rolling around at the back of my brain.

It’s hard to fight at this time of year. It’s the “most wonderful time of the year!” Aw, the baby Jesus. Big daddy Santa. The warming glow of capitalism. People are simply having a wonderful Christmas time. It’s like the entire world is saying “Why so glum glummypants? Just unglum yourself. Smile!” I’ll get right on that once I’ve set fire to your shirt and asked you to smile.

Blergh. Woe is me, or as autocorrect cheerfully attempted “Wow is me”. Maybe me is wow? So my knees are toast, my foot hurts, my headphones are failing and a lens just broke. I was still able to photograph a queer event filled with amazing people and I’m being commissioned to do photography. I’m managing to pay the bills and do some good for my clients.

That’s the thing, right? A way to fight depression, do good. I know it sounds like inspirational quote nonsense but it’s basically what the therapist told me 18 months ago. Even if you don’t feel like it, do things. Tick off your task list. No matter how small a task. Do some good and feel a sense of accomplishment. It takes time, but it helps.

Speaking of time, as I write this it is Doctor Who Day. If there’s one thing the show teaches you it’s to have hope and believe in yourself. Also, remember to not blink near statues. Mainly, hope and self-belief. Sure it’s a fictional character but isn’t it better to believe in yourself and hope things will get better than to not? Of course, you have to do the work too. That’s what you see the Doctor do. Believes in him/her/their self and has hope for a better future. It’s not about time travel or technobabble. Watch the episode “The Eleventh Hour” and you’ll see a Doctor without their stuff solve problems with self-belief and a fair bit of running around.

So, maybe I need to take a minute. Refresh my glass half full of self-belief and hope things will improve if I do good things. Alonss-y, as the Doctor would say… No, I’m not sure I believe that. It’s all too nice, too self-help book. Maybe it works but I’m too depressed to see the value of it. My therapist would probably agree there. I’d love to believe it can work. I’d love to watch an episode of Doctor Who each morning and then get to work filled with inspiration and self-belief. Life doesn’t work that way though. All my energy is currently going into dealing with pain. Wow is me eh?

I wrote this on the bus into town on Doctor Who Day feeling, well I’m sure you can tell how I felt. In pain both mentally and physically. It hurt to go to an event, but I did. It was fascinating. My brain started being less depressed and more interested in the work. My wife and I went home and watched a new episode of Doctor Who. I cried. I felt seen and my brain was alive with positivity because of what was going on. Alive!

It felt good to cry, to feel. Depression numbs you so nothing seems worthwhile. You have to fight that. Easier typed than done. I’ve been there. Many times, I’ve been there. I’m trying to be elsewhere now and it might actually be working. If I could somehow trigger my brain to feel this way each morning, the things I could do. I could make a cup of tea because it actually felt worthwhile doing so. Life would be amazing, or perhaps doable.

Depression. Fight it. Keep fighting it. Every day, every moment. Talk to people and find ways to fight it. Have hope that the next thing you do will either be a nice cup of tea or watch an amazing new episode of your favourite show. Keep fighting. Allons-y!

Two men stand talking inside the top deck of the ferry on an early morning ride to Liverpool. One man is wearing a hi-vis green jacket and there are red plastic chairs glowing in the early light.

Transporter room

The Mersey Ferry crosses the river at sunrise. The sun is a giant star shining through the window of the ferry. A man looks out the window towards the waterfront.