How Linkin Park saved me!

It starts with one thing. I don’t know why. It doesn’t even matter how hard you try. I tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

I don’t know what stressed me first or how the pressure was fed. But I know just what it feels like to have a voice in the back of my head.

I find the answers aren’t so clear. Wish I could find a way to disappear. All these thoughts they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance. Nothing seems to go away. Over and over again. Just like before.

Yes they are the lyrics to various songs by Linkin Park. I used to listen to them loudly as a 20 something and sometimes, when the world is too much, I listen to them still.

For a few weeks now my brain has been triggered by unexpected change. I have been unable to handle it and my brain shut down. I’ve been down this road many times. I keep trying and trying to find a different way to handle it. My brain panics and tells me something bad will happen. Nothing bad happens. My brain still doesn’t relax and I can’t enjoy life. It doesn’t even matter how hard you try. I’ve tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Nothing seems to go away. Over and over again. Just like before. I’ve tried the Headspace app to mediate. I’ve tried exercise. I’ve tried many things. Nothing has been working for me. Or maybe they are working and I would be in a worse state? Positive thinking! Yay.

I’m so tired by my brain. It was Pride Month last month including Autistic Pride Day. This month is Disability Pride Month. I am struggling to find pride in my self right now. It’s just a constant struggle with no superpowers to help me do amazing things. Other people are able to find things in their lives that “save” them. Things I do!

I write, play games, take photos and do exercise. Nothing works. So I googled for extreme activities in a desperate attempt to find something new to “save me”. Here’s what I found.

For some people motorbike riding, surfing waves, stand up paddle boarding and listening to extreme metal helped. For others masturbation helps. They seem like fairly normal activities. Here’s where it gets interesting. Ironing. Ironing? Ironing! Ok. Sure. BDSM helped some people with their mental health. No judgement here and while I haven’t tried it I don’t feel compelled to carry nipple clamps in case of emergency depression. There’s even an actual scientific study on the effect of skydiving on anhedonic young adults. It actually helped.

They’re some pretty extreme activities that saved or helped people with mental health issues. Am I going to try any next time I have issues? I can’t bust out an iron on a beach or casually hop in a plane to fall out at 10,000 feet. I suppose I could tell my wife that next time I get this way to pinch my nipples? I’m not convinced that would help as I already get cold showers and swim all year round in cold water lakes.

This week I found putting Linkin Park on loud while playing Cities: Skylines helped.

Cities: Skylines is a real time strategy game like Sim City but far more in depth. I’m currently tweaking my transportation system to make the roads run smoothly. The whole game is not unlike owning a Bonsai tree. Prune a bit there, a bit over there and tweak that there. Maybe it’s nice to get lost in a task like that.

Did it save me? Should I be emailing media companies to get my story out there? No, because I’m not saved. I’m not as bad today.