This week’s photos are from a wander around Leiden in the Netherlands.

If it’s not depression it’s anxiety

When I have no commissions my brain turns inward to depression. On top of everything else I have to do to work, I have to fight the idea that I’m worthless.

When I am commissioned my brain turns to anxiety. On top of everything else I have to do to work, I have to fight the idea that everything is wrong and I can’t do this.

One day, maybe I’ll be OK and able to enjoy the life I’m trying to build for myself.

My year of being OK is not going OK. I’m never normally this busy. The first few months of the year are when I hunker down and update my website, which is in a state because I’m too busy to sort it. I should be happy but instead, I’m anxious.

What’s making me anxious is the exact remedy for depression. Being part of a community. Doing work that’s meaningful. Getting paid and feeling valued. Exploring with my camera. Learning new things and meeting interesting people. This is how I beat depression, and it works. I’m not depressed. I’m just anxious.

If only I had a different camera. That’d fix things. It never does. It’s a hit of dopamine and then back to anxiety.

I know it’s not a side effect of my ADHD medication as I’m off it due to supply issues. I also know that when I’m in the zone and working with my camera I’ll be happy. It’s like swimming. Getting to the place to swim is a challenge. Once I’m in the water I’m usually OK. Unless jellyfish or evil spirits are trying to drag me under. I’m usually fine.

This is one of the reasons why I do wild swimming, to remind myself that I can overcome anxiety. When will I overcome it though? I’ve been wild swimming for 4 years and a working photographer for 15 years. Surely at some point, my brain will acknowledge that this is my comfort zone. Or is the problem that to grow you need to keep pushing yourself, meaning that you’re never in a comfort zone?

I am delighted with the way this year has gone so far and it’s not even March. I’m estimating that come April or May I’ll be able to buy a new computer to edit on. An upgrade to my 2017 iMac. My Starling account has been working wonderfully with the savings pots and I’m making progress like I never could before. Life is good… and I’m so on edge that I just want to sit at home watching Doctor Who reruns.

This may be my autistic issue with change. I have to deal with being out of my house. Away from the food I can easily eat and bathrooms that are gender-neutral. Dealing with different people. Doing a photo commission is not my every day. It is a change to my routine and while I love them, a part of me is not good with changing routines. Each day this week is a different job in a different place. It is impossible to get used to. It’s all change.

Ironically, change isn’t good for my brain and yet it’s what I fight for every day as a non-binary autistic person with ADHD. I want to change the world, and make it better for the next person. Just don’t change my world. It’s complex.