> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://pete.news/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Internalised ableism - URL: https://pete.news/hellocomputer/internalised-ableism/ - Published: 2022-04-15T14:27:58.000Z - Updated: 2024-03-25T17:57:56.000Z - Author: Pete Carr - Tags: HelloComputer, #ToSort, #HelloComputer, abelism, Autism, #wordpress --- ## hello camera This week’s photo are self portraits from the Leiden in the Netherlands back in 2015. You can get prints of the photos in this [weeks newsletter on my print store](https://petecarr.photoshelter.com/gallery-collection/Hello-Computer-Newsletter/C0000xA107jFZfJs) or you can [tip me on Ko-Fi](http://ko-fi.com/petecarr) so I can buy film for my camera. --- ![A family boat travels down a canal with trees lining and homes either side.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/DSCF2168-pete-carr.jpg) --- ## Acknowledging internalised ableism I recently had a bad experience at my local vet because I became overloaded by information and couldn’t make decisions. [Oh hello autism](https://hellocomputer.co/autistic-shutdown/). Let me stress that my vets are great people. I believe they are an all female team and they’ve been wonderful with our cats over the years. Highly recommended. However for some reason recently I did not click with one of them and during a recent visit we didn’t work well together. I was tense, confused, stuck and unconsciously stimming by rubbing my head. I’m not one to physically stim but I was so tense it was happening. I had become overloaded by debate and confusion. It was my responsibility to get our cats the help they needed and I couldn’t make a decision because my brain was unable to process anything. I had to try and explain this to the vet so I didn’t look like an irate customer. I needed them to know I was struggling. I kept thinking “Should I tell them I’m autistic? Would it help? This isn’t going well.” So I did. It felt like a moment of weakness that I had to “resort” to revealing my hidden disability. Did it help? I don’t think so. I muddled through and we eventually got to a good place where I was able to make the decisions for the cats but it was stressful. A few days later and I’m at the dentist. I’ve got a bad tooth that needs work. He quickly went through the options and I felt like I was being rushed out before the next patient started complaining. I asked for his advice, seeing as he was a trained dentist and I was simply someone who sucked sugar. His advice was “Well it’s up to you.” Yay? I was left to go home and google for information. Most of which said “A trained professional will be able to guide you through this.” … Sure… In his defense the NHS is massively underfunded and needs real help from the government. I understand he was busy but maybe if I was wearing a lanyard saying “I am autistic” maybe I could have got just a bit more breathing room to process the information? These events got me thinking about buying a [Hidden Disability lanyard](https://hiddendisabilitiesstore.com) with a card saying “I am autistic” on in an attempt to prevent future issues. I went to the website, popped a few in my basket and closed the tab. “I’m not *that* autistic.” I thought. “Do I want the world to see me that way?” I wear a patch on my jacket that says [“Some disabilities are invisible”](https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1011070009/some-disabilities-are-invisible-iron-on?click%5Fkey=590d98632e9fae09e1fba9c9a60ff8ed7827e641%3A1011070009&click%5Fsum=25bd555e&ref=shop%5Fhome%5Factive%5F5&pro=1). I considered getting one that announced I was autistic but I didn’t. I think I was concerned with how people would see me. (They say while wearing makeup, a skirt and tights.) Do I see autism as a bad thing? Am I not proud of the things I’ve achieved in my life which have come from being autistic? Am I being ableist in some way? It is complex to unpack. Maybe I’m proud of the things I’ve accomplished but also ashamed at the times I’ve failed. Maybe I see times like those at the vet or dentist as failings and by walking around with a lanyard on I’m saying “Careful now. I’m likely to need help.” Is there a part of me that pities disabled people and doesn’t want to be seen in that way? Gosh. I don’t know. Brains are complex and it wouldn’t surprise me if there was old code in there screwing things up. I decided that having support was more important than any unconscious fear I might have so I bought lanyards. They arrive next week. I need to be in a good place to make important decisions. If the people around me know I may struggle then hopefully we can work together to make things easier. I’m not shy about taking pride in my autism when I do interesting things. I shouldn’t be shy about asking for help. --- ![A bike is secured to a fence. There are trees lining the sides of the street.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/DSCF2166-pete-carr.jpg) --- ![2 parked cars outside homes in Leiden. The canal is empty and there are big green trees either side of the houses.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/DSCF2154-pete-carr.jpg) --- ![Boats travelling along a canal in Leiden during summer.](https://pete.news/content/images/wordpress/2022/08/DSCF2161-pete-carr.jpg)