Wrong Camera, Good Photos

My “normal” pre-holiday ritual is to review the previous trip and up-end everything in an attempt to make the next one better. “Is it possible I did everything wrong? Yes, so let’s explore that.” “Do I need new socks, underwear, tops, coats, shoes, luggage, or things to do while travelling? Yes, so let’s dive into each one like its a PHD thesis.” It’s classic anxiety or autistic over-analysis, and it’s far from a healthy review of how to make trips more fun.

My worst case of this was 10 years ago, our 2016 trip to NYC. It’s a place I’ve always wanted to visit as I’ve spent my life experiencing it through movies, TV shows and photography. It’s possible that NYC became so revered in my mind, and put on such a high pedestal that the perfect trip was impossible to reach. That did not stop me trying though. But ultimately, the more I tried the worse everything got.

New York City scale is like trying to chose what to watch on Netflix. It’s easy to spend all your time browsing for something to do, rather than actually doing anything. I became so worried I’d miss something on our trip rather than accepting that doing everything is impossible and appreciating the time we had together. This was fueled by classic “What if?” anxiety. “What if this is the only time we ever go? Have to see everything!” At no point did my brain think “What if I see nothing because I can’t make any decisions?” or “What if I ruin my marriage through worrying about making everything perfect?” It’s a classic tale of anxiety, control and how the fear of losing something makes you the cause of issue rather than the solution.

It’s been nearly 10 years since that trip and I would like to say I’m better, but I’m still struggling. “What if I take the wrong socks and they rub meaning I spend the entire trip in pain?” It’s possible, so I must find the perfect socks. A seemingly harmless thought, but one that leads to that bad version of me. So I fix the sock issue, but undies? I’ll take a quick look at undies too. After a few hours I’ve got multiple tabs, shops and AIs helping me find the right undies. But its just undies though. I won’t let myself become 2016 me. It’s just undies.

“What about hoodies? ... Oh good thinking 2026 me.”

I look at hoodies, undies can wait a few days. I spend time discussing what hoodies I have with Claude AI, the composition, activities we’re planning and potential weather for May. After a while I’ve thought too much that I can’t make a decision on whether my trusted hoodie will be fine or if I should buy a new one. The next day I’m back on undies. So I ask Claude, “Microfibre or cotton undies?” Its response is surprising.

You're spiralling.

I am? Wait, what? Where are the search results? I didn’t ask for a mental health check. But maybe I should have? Claude AI continues;

...now you're iterating on underwear fabric because the trip feels real and optimising small things feels like preparation. It's not. It's anxiety displacement. You don't need to buy anything. You don't need the optimal fabric. You need underwear that fits, doesn't chafe, and can be washed once during the trip. You already own that.

OK, but my worries? I need answers. Right?

Stop optimising. The plan is solid. The packing list is done. You're ready. The best thing you can do for this trip now is stop researching and start resting so you're not exhausted before you even board the train.

Go for a walk. Read a book. Do literally anything except think about underwear fabrics. You're sorted. Trust it.

Maybe I don’t need answers. Maybe I need to stop searching, and by searching I mean use Google for anxiety validation. See, Google never called me out. Google just kept returning search results to my enquiries. It kept feeding my anxiety without providing real answers. Dozens of opinions from influencers did not help me decide what socks, undies, bag, notebook, or camera to take. But surely someone knew and so I kept searching. But Claude AI, it noticed a pattern and called me out on it rather than doing what I asked. Fascinating.

Now of course, you could and should argue that the real voice of reason in my life is my wife. The woman I love who I put through my endless stream of anxiety-powered conversations, who 10 years ago highlighted how everything would be fine and I should relax. I should have listened to her then, and on the numerous times since. “But what if I can make the next trip better? I’ll just check.” A hard urge to fight because why wouldn’t you want to make something better? Except deep down I know it won’t. It will corrode rather than correct.

The experience with Claude AI was interesting and useful, but it is the real people in my life that I should listen to first and foremost. What is useful though, is having a tool that can point out these patterns before it becomes an issue. That harmless feeling of curiosity can quickly become corrosive. Watching dozens of Youtube videos and reading Reddit all day is not actually a helpful way to plan for a trip, but nothing stops you and before you know it everything is wrong and there’s no way the trip will be fun.

Which reminds me of a trip to Holyhead, on the island of Anglesey in North Wales. I thought I packed well for a hike, but alas I did not prepare for torrential rain. I had a non-waterproof camera and a hoodie that soaked up water like a sponge, and of course my outer coat kept that water close to my skin for the entire trip. It was not a good setup, and I was depressed. However... after a while I began to realise that it was all part of the adventure. I stopped worrying about my camera, or that there was not a single dry spot on me and I embraced the view ahead. In the end, it was a good walk and despite having the “wrong” camera, I got some wonderful photos.

Links

• Reimagining Support: Exploring Autistic Individuals' Visions for AI in Coping with Negative Self-Talk. Our findings show that participants view LLMs as useful for managing NST by identifying and reframing negative thoughts. Both participants and practitioners recognize AI’s potential to sup-
  port therapy and emotional expression.
• Mindfulness-based stress reduction for autistic adults: A feasibility study in an outpatient context - PMC.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy for autistic adults: A randomized controlled pilot study in a psychiatric outpatient setting - PMC.
• Intolerance of uncertainty and information-seeking behavior: Experimental manipulation of threat relevance - PubMed.
• A Systematic Review of Autistic Adults’ Experiences of Anxiety From a Qualitative Perspective | Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders | Springer Nature Link. Many autistic adults experience anxiety in ways that are qualitatively unique when compared to the experiences of non-autistic adults.
• Insistence on sameness, repetitive negative thinking and mental health in autistic and non-autistic adults - PMC.

It's a Thursday and I'm sat by the industrial River Mersey watching the tugs sail off to do some tugging. Behind me are some large trees. Big, green and full of bird song. The tugs wake causes waves which crash into the prom wall releasing negative irons into the air which increase the release of serotonin in my brain. The sun glistens on the water like disco balls and glitter at a queer party. I sip my tea and feel happy. I've earned this.

When I say "I've earned this.", I don't mean I've spent the last week hard at work, burning the midnight oil under immense pressure. I mean I've spent 20 years working on my mental health to reach this point in my life. The point whereby I appreciate the simple joy of getting up early and out into the world on a sunny day. I've swam about in a lake. Had a chat with friends. Enjoyed a Greg's coffee and cycled back home just in time to head down the prom with my wife before she gets the ferry 'cross the Mersey. It’s taken 20 years of hard work to understand that this is what I need.

As a kid, I did not go out. The sun was harsh, bright and overwhelming. Hay fever made it hard to cope outdoors when my face was always itching and exploding. All the kids were into sports and my hand eye coordination made me struggle to be of any use to them so I was laughed at for being rubbish. Why would I go outside when I could stay home with my computer? That world made sense. A space I could explore without judgement or fear. Code was logical. If this, then that. My curiosity was rewarded and it felt good to make things. This led to a life long love of coding, computers and curiously exploring the web from the safety of the indoors. Those things would always be there for me when the world was too much and people were hard to interact with.

And yet, as I sit here by the water, I wonder if it's been a safety blanket for me? Have I been indulging my autistic side rather than embracing my ADHD side? Have I been staying in comfy safe spaces, hyperfocusing and exploring logical systems rather than throwing my clothes up into the sky and letting my ADHD run wild with naked ambition?

It's safer, and easier to hide away in my phone or computer and tinker than it is to go outside and engage with the world. Due to being autistic my brain can easily be overwhelmed by sound, light, smells, chaos, or even decisions at the wrong time. It makes sense to run away into my computer. I’m safe there, coding, learning, or playing games. I can be stimulated by a level of sensory input that I am in completely control of. The issue is, resurfacing. Sometimes I stay too long in there and find it hard to leave.

Why would I leave?

If I stay, I’m safe and my brain is stimulated by coding or games. But if I leave, I risk being overwhelmed by the world but the reward is so much greater. My body gets a workout as much as my brain does. That in turn makes me feel good about myself in a way that my computer has never offered. I go places, see things, engage with people and feel... present.

Of course it’s all about the right time and place. My seaside home is quiet on a weekday morning. Just the commuters and the doggers, walking their dogs. But the weekend... That is not a space where I feel present. So many people, cars, traffic, noise chaos and families using PA system sized speakers to broadcast music to the entire beach. No. Absolutely not. That for me is a solid reason to stay at home and play on my Steam Deck.

So I think what I’ve realised is that if I can find ways, times, and places to enjoy the world away from most of the chaos of the world, then it will be good for me in a multitude of ways. There will be times when I need the safety of a good video game at home, and that’s fine. But really, I need to get my arse outside and wander with my camera. That will create a healthier me more than staying in and being safe will. But in places where most people aren’t, because people are noisy.

Links

• I quit drinking for a year. out of spite
• LunarWall: Shuffle Moon Photos from Artemis II On Your Lock Screen or Mac Desktop.
• Stunning Artemis II Phone Wallpapers. NASA has made available more than a dozen mobile wallpapers of photos taken during the Artemis II mission for free download. Basic Apple Guy has made some wallp
• Be My Eyes Announces New Accessibility Features for Meta Smart Glasses. Last week, San Francisco-based Be My Eyes (BME) announced it’s working alongside Meta to develop new accessibility features for Meta’s ever-popular Ray-Bans and Oakley smart glasses. Be My Eyes said wearers now are able to “connect hands-free to trusted friends and family groups and corporate serv
• Bumblebee Queens Breathe Underwater to Survive Drowning, Revealing How They Can Live Submerged for a Week. After scientists accidentally discovered that the common eastern bumblebee can withstand flood conditions, they wanted to investigate what makes that super-ability possible
• 7 BSL channels and Deaf v/bloggers that kept me engaged during the pandemic!. During the pandemic, social media has come into its own. Even for those who were not previously users of this medium, it has become a lifeline for self-expression, a way to converse with others during lockdown about topics that affect their lives, it enables us to share experiences, to be able to talk fearlessly about our everyday lives and own stories and take comfort from the experiences of others.The poor accessibility of information and new communication barriers, such as the facemasks, have
• "There’s no shame in doing what it takes to carve out space in a world that wasn’t designed for us" | Unlimited. Byron Vincent shares his experiences and insights of working across the globe as a disabled artist.

For Pete's sake

25 years ago one of my favourite movies was released. Amelie, a French film about a young woman living in Montmartre, Paris. She is a quirky, introverted and imaginative person who sets out to do good deeds for people through mischeavous means. When the film came out in 2001 I was curious to see it as I saw something of myself in Amelie. Back in 2001 I had no knowledge of neurodiversity, or that I myself was autistic. I simply saw someone who didn’t quite fit in and struggled to connect with others, someone like me.

Recently I read an article about how the main character, Amelie, was autistic. It was an interesting take on the film, but after a rewatch in the cinema I found myself disagreeing with some of their ideas.

One take was that the film sped up and added chaotic motion to the cinematography to convey a sense of autistic overstimulation. This occurred on a few occasions, the main being while Amelie was on a train. Public transport can be an issue for autistic people. There's lots of noise from the train, people talking and moving around, and occasional flashing lights from various sources. Not to mention smells. It can be a lot. But is the film trying to say that? I don't think so.

This technique is used later in the movie when Amelie is happy and excited in a less crowded space. Maybe what the film is saying is that these moments are stimulating and energetic. Depending on your energy levels they can be stimulating or over stimulating. An autistic person who is really into trains might be excited by the arrival of a train, but to journey on one might be too much chaos.

Twenty-five years ago autistic or neurodivergent people didn't exist. We're a recent invention from the people who brought you climate change. Back then people were simply weird, strange or a bit different. So the film was not likely made from an autistic perspective, with autistic people, or about autistic people. Which got me thinking. Maybe the writer of the article I read simply saw what they wanted to in the film? Which is fair enough, as art is subjective and open to interpretation.

For that reason it was interesting to rewatch the film as I hadn't seen it in about 10-15 years. And what did I see? I saw someone like myself struggling in the world, just as I did when I first saw the trailer for the film 25 years ago. Without any diagnostic framework, I just saw someone like me trying to understand people, someone written off as 'shy'. I saw a film about people stuck in their lives and trying to live them. Passing the idea that life is short on to the younger generation. I saw that in the film 25 years ago.

I found the film to be quite forward thinking about women, disability and neurodivergent people. When, Lucien, a disabled person in the film is derided by his boss, Amelie scorns the man for being cruel. When Lucien is enabled by the right people, he lights up.

Upon rewatching it I again saw someone letting their life slip through their fingers, unable to put themselves forward. After 25 years I have a better understanding of anxiety, and I saw how that affected the people in the film, how it held them back just like me 25 years ago and today. And as I sat there thinking about whether I too was seeing what I wanted to in the film, a character in the film actually says to go out and live "For Pete's sake." So maybe I should?

Links

• Amelie (2001) dir Jean-Pierre Jeunet | Autism Through Cinema. We take the whimsical streets of Paris for Jean-Pierre Jeunet's cult classic Amelie in today's episode, brought to us by our very special guest autistic film journalist Lillian Crawford. We take great pleasure in revisiting Amelie from an autistic perspective, finding neurodivergent expression in the heightened audio and visual richness of Jeunet's film.
• Four Movies with Autistic-Coded Characters | 25YL. Sometimes filmmakers portray things they don't necessarily mean to. This article explores movie characters who exhibit signs of autism.
• Embodying Amélie - by Emily Wilkinson - Wild Margins. Romancing the sensory world as a neurodiverse form of activism
• Amélie: The Most Relatable Representation of Neurodivergence on Screen | by Sarah TC | The Narrative Arc | Medium.
• Dyslexic thinking made me the scientist I am today. If we could harness its power, imagine what could be possible | Maggie Aderin. Progress has always been made by people who think differently. Neurodiversity helps us think outside the box – and when we do, the sky’s the limit, says space scientist Maggie Aderin
• Tal Anderson On The Pitt's Earnest Portrayal Of Autistic Life. Pitt actor Tal Anderson on how HBO’s medical drama is breaking Hollywood’s myth about neurodivergency and how her children’s book aims to teach kids to trust their own way of thinking
• Actress Taylor Dearden talks about portraying neurodivergence on 'The Pitt'. Actress Taylor Dearden plays a neurodivergent resident on Max's hospital drama "The Pitt." The actress talks to NPR's Scott Detrow about her portrayal.

Today, as I write this, is TDOV. Trans Day of Visibility, and I just bought some new trousers. Not to celebrate, or to be more visibly Trans, but to fit in. TDOV is supposed to be a day to be seen, but I don't want to be. I am an assigned male at birth person, with a purple beard who likes to wear skirts. Every day is TDOV for me, and the anxiety has become too much. All of this has happened before, and will happen again. For now I feel sad not to wear a skirt outside, but that sadness is preferable to constant anxiety.

I remember those early days when I took to wearing a skirt outside. Somehow it was both terrifying and life affirming. Men would stare so hard as if they were trying to shoot lasers from their eyes, and they would photograph me. On the other hand, strangers kept telling me I looked great and I had never felt anything quite like that. One time, while walking through the Asda car park, a couple of kids clapped and cheered for me. They said I looked amazing. 2026 me is struggling to believe that people can be that kind, despite having the memories of them being so.

The life I want to live is one where I wear clothes that make me happy, so when I'm out in the world I feel good about myself. Those clothes should help me feel confident and empower me to be a better photographer. Except it takes all my energy to step outside in a skirt, leaving nothing left to power my photographer brain. The kind of photography I like to do is around people and spaces. Even after 20 years of being a photographer, it still feels weird to point a camera at someone. Doing that while wearing a skirt is even harder.

So I chose: skirts or camera. I choose camera.

Oddly, the beard and nails have never been an issue. I remember being nervous in the early days of wearing nail polish, but now I never think about it. I rarely notice when someone is shocked by my nails, and often forget that my beard is hot pink. I leave the house with my camera, and happily take photos of interesting things.

In a better, more tolerant world, I would feel comfortable in my own clothes but we don’t live in a tolerant world. I often say to men: if you want to see what the world is really like, then wear a skirt for a few days. People will be confused, angry, upset, and all because of what? Some made up ideas that got stuck in their heads? People are weird, illogical, obtuse pieces of flotsam because on the one hand men are always thinking about the Roman Empire, and at no point do they champion their skirt wearing. We are stupid.

And I am stupid, because I’ve worn a skirt long enough to know that generally there is no issue. Unfortunately, when there is it’s awful, but generally no issue except that one I create for myself. Maybe I read too much news. Maybe my autistic brain overthinks everything and produces list after list of reasons why I should fear everything. I can’t say exactly what I’m worried about, but I know if I don’t wear a skirt I have nothing to worry about. So I don’t. There is only so much I can anxiety I can deal with, only so much spoon energy to fight the world and my own personal demons that it’s simply easier to let go of things I enjoy that cause me stress. I can’t be a bearded photographer in a skirt.

Oddly, I can be a completely naked photographer and happy, even to the point of creating some of the best work I’ve done in years. But only because the environment was accommodating and enabling. Maybe it isn’t the world that needs to change, maybe I do? Instead of being annoyed that the world may never accept myself in a skirt, maybe trousers are fine if they get me through the day with a camera. I wouldn’t wear a skirt on a hike through a storm, I would dress correctly for the situation.

Assuming the world will not become a calm and healthy place in my life time, maybe I need to relax my thinking a little. There may be times when I can be a photographer in a skirt, or naked, or in trousers. If the world won’t change, I should accept that and instead change myself. Not to placate or admit defeat, but to spend my energy wisely. A pair of colourful trousers, nail polish and a colourful beard might be enough. Maybe, in the same way I have exercise clothes or swimwear I should have workwear? A queer event would call for a skirt. Some arts events, a skirt. A walk around a city with my camera, colourful trousers.

None of this is to make others feel happy. I like to wear a skirt to challenge the norm, especially when the norm is monochromatic puffer coats and emergency sports gear just in case a football game breaks out in a shopping centre. I like to proudly say “Fuck all that.” But at the same time, my mental energy is limited. Today I think I am OK with choosing to have work clothes, fun clothes, exercise clothes, swim clothes or at times no clothes when using a camera.

Links

• Open Call: Artist Residency, Broken Grey Wires. Open Call: Artist Residency, Broken Grey Wires
• Am I German or Autistic?. A rigorous diagnostic. 15 questions. One uncomfortable truth. (FYI I got 75% autistic)
• Kim | high school math🌻 on Instagram. 3M likes, 34K comments - ksmathandmore on April 1, 2026: "Had a once in a lifetime flight experience tonight on our way home. Thanks @united for letting us reroute a bit to see the launch of Artemis II from the coolest angle!"
• The future of being trans on the internet | The Verge. The internet has long been a source of information and support for transgender people. Now, trans rights and the internet itself are in a moment of crisis. What happens next?
• AI overly affirms users asking for personal advice. Not only are AIs far more agreeable than humans when advising on interpersonal matters, but users also prefer the sycophantic models.
• Bernie vs. Claude. I spoke to Anthropic’s AI agent Claude about AI collecting massive amounts of personal data and how that information is being used to violate our privacy rights...
• I was struggling to understand my autistic son - until we watched an episode of Doctor Who. A combination of autism and ADHD caused outbursts, confusion and stress that my son couldn’t understand – until he saw David Tennant behaving the same way...
• In Glasgow, a queer bike shop is reshaping cycle culture. Dynamo CIC  — The sport and industry is often dominated by men, and particularly men with money.

Space! Let's go.

In 2026, over 50 years since we first landed on the moon, NASA has sent astronauts back with the Artemis II mission, and despite the mind-boggling beauty of it all, people complained. "Why do we need to go to space?" Since we first landed on the moon in 1969, the population of the Earth has almost doubled. Space is big, really big, and our planet gets smaller every day. "We should fix our problems here before going to space." A noble idea, but is that even possible?

In my teenage years I watched a sci-fi show called Babylon 5. A show set in the 2250s, written in the 1980s, produced in the 1990s, inspired by the 1940s, and absolutely on point for the 2020s. The show mixes galaxy-spanning Lord of the Rings mythology ("And so it begins") with stories about the rise of fascism, religion, and how choices have consequences. If there is one thing you can take away from the show, it's that "All of this has happened before and will happen again." — Battlestar Galactica

Babylon 5 showed us a very relatable future. Technology had advanced but had we? Earth still struggled with racism, fascism, and intolerance of that which is different, and we took it all to the stars. But the main thread of the show was that we can overcome it if we work together. Star Trek also believed this, but had a more idealised, utopian dream of the future where anyone could follow their dreams. Of the two, I can't see Star Trek happening, but I can see Babylon 5 happening — a future in space whereby we're still idiots, but we're curious idiots.

Now I know that Babylon 5 is a made-up sci-fi show with weird aliens and spaceships going "pew pew" at each other, but the series is rooted in our history. The fear of telepaths is the fear of any minority group. The distrust of aliens is no different now with immigrants than it was in the 1940s.

Or to put it another way — a more grounded way. In 1962, President JFK made a speech about going to the moon that, like Babylon 5, is as relevant today as when it was made.

We meet at a college noted for knowledge, in a city noted for progress, in a state noted for strength, and we stand in need of all three, for we meet in an hour of change and challenge, in a decade of hope and fear, in an age of both knowledge and ignorance. The greater our knowledge increases, the greater our ignorance unfolds.

For the eyes of the world now look into space, to the moon and to the planets beyond, and we have vowed that we shall not see it governed by a hostile flag of conquest, but by a banner of freedom and peace. We have vowed that we shall not see space filled with weapons of mass destruction, but with instruments of knowledge and understanding.

We set sail on this new sea because there is new knowledge to be gained, and new rights to be won, and they must be won and used for the progress of all people. For space science, like nuclear science and all technology, has no conscience of its own. Whether it will become a force for good or ill depends on man…

I do say that space can be explored and mastered without feeding the fires of war, without repeating the mistakes that man has made in extending his writ around this globe of ours.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Which is why we need to go to space now — "Because it is there." — British explorer George Mallory.

In the gap between going to the moon and returning to it, all we've had is science fiction to inspire us: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, The Expanse, new Star Trek, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, For All Mankind, Foundation, Firefly, Farscape, and so on. So many dreams of space, but now it's time to wake up. Space is there. Let's go explore it.

In the words of Jeffrey Sinclair, commander of Babylon 5, on why Artemis II and going to space matters:

"Ask ten different scientists about the environment, population control, genetics, and you'll get ten different answers, but there's one thing every scientist on the planet agrees on. Whether it happens in a hundred years or a thousand years or a million years, eventually our Sun will grow cold and go out. When that happens, it won't just take us. It'll take Marilyn Monroe and Lao-Tzu, Einstein, Morobuto, Buddy Holly, Aristophanes — and all of this, all of this, was for nothing unless we go to the stars." — Sinclair, Infection

Links

• One Moon, 32 cameras, 10,000 photos – as a photographer, I’m awed by the Artemis II photo album. These are the best ones so far | Digital Camera World. Artemis II took 10,000 photos during the Moon flyby. These are the best ones so far...
• Artemis II. Artemis I will be the first in a series of increasingly complex missions to build a sustained human presence at the Moon for decades to come.
• Why Doesn’t Anybody Realize We’re Going Back to the Moon?. On the ground at the Trump era’s most important space launch...
• From the BeAmazed community on Reddit: Visualization of the distances in astronomy.
• Planets and Bright Stars ID Chart.
• Artemis II iPhone Wallpapers — Basic Apple Guy. Some of my favourite iPhone crops from the Artemis II mission.
• Moon Joy: Photos From Artemis II - The Atlantic. On April 6, 2026, four astronauts aboard NASA’s Orion spacecraft, Integrity, swung around the far side of the moon, traveling farther from the Earth than any humans had ever gone before, and taking spectacular photographs along the way.
• Artemis II Mobile Wallpapers - NASA.
• 16 inspiring Artemis II photos that'll make you feel like a tiny Earthling | Popular Science. The astronauts spent two years in photography training.
• Artemis II in pictures: 21 jaw-dropping photos, from launch to splashdown | BBC Science Focus Magazine. As the latest mission to the Moon draws to a successful close, landing on the lunar surface is now within our reach.
• NASA Captured the Artemis II Launch in Infrared and it Looks Awesome | PetaPixel. Glorious infrared.
• From blast off to splashdown: My days following Nasa's historic mission to the Moon. BBC Science Editor Rebecca Morelle reflects on how it felt to watch history being made.

Winter

In a few weeks the clocks will change, and while I enjoy being warm I will miss the calmness and beauty of winter.

Links

• Bumblebee Queens Breathe Underwater to Survive Drowning, Revealing How They Can Live Submerged for a Week. After scientists accidentally discovered that the common eastern bumblebee can withstand flood conditions...
• 7 BSL channels and Deaf v/bloggers that kept me engaged during the pandemic!. During the pandemic, social media has come into its own. Even for those who were not previously users of this medium, it has become a lifeline for self-expression, a way to converse with others during lockdown about topics that affect their lives, it enables us to share experiences, to be able to talk fearlessly about our everyday lives and own stories and take comfort from the experiences of others.
• Software Bonkers.
• When Men Dressing Like Women Stops Matter­ing. This is an interesting post about a "discussion" the author had with AI about what the world would look like if men wearing women's clothes became just as commonplace as women wearing men's.
• Lost Doctor Who episodes are found, bringing the series' longest arc closer to completion. A win for Classic Who fans
• "There’s no shame in doing what it takes to carve out space in a world that wasn’t designed for us" | Unlimited. Byron Vincent shares his experiences and insights of working across the globe as a disabled artist.

Will I ever be ready to live?

My perfectionist personality profoundly ponders problems, persistently. It's... pretty problematic. Nothing is properly started because the foundations are never right. If I were to build a house from scratch I would spend my life studying how to build a house, rather than building one. It is exceptionally rare to see an episode of Grand Designs where the process is smooth sailing. Life is messy, and to quote someone who once said a thing... "Perfect is the enemy of good." No one ever says that they want to live a perfect life, but they do say they want to live a good one. At 47, am I living yet?

To my credit, I do manage to get a few things going. This newsletter for one. I started it by accepting that it would not be very good in the beginning and the only way it would get better was to keep at it. Just like cold water swimming. Sitting on the couch thinking about being cold while googling swim socks is not the same as getting in the water and seeing what's what. To quote The Matrix; "There's knowing the path, and walking the path." For whatever reason, there is a part of me that is constantly trying to understand the path rather than accepting that the point of it is to walk it. Then there's the part of me that tries to figure out the part of me that is trying to figure out the path. I need problems to solve. Or maybe that's the problem?

Recently I watched a video by someone with OCD, and the way they described OCD got me thinking. "Is that me?" But before I jumped into a chat with an AI (Almost Intelligent) bot, I stopped myself. "Do I have OCD? Is this a problem in my life I need to solve?" I decided it did not need solving, and went about my day. This isn't the first time I've questioned whether I have OCD. I've spoken with someone about it and they concluded that I don't, and yet... I am obsessively compelled to figure out if I am or not, and if not, to figure out why I am OCD adjacent.

The part of my brain, possibly the autistic pattern-matching researcher part, notices too much and needs to satisfy the never-ending question of "But why?" But why do I need to answer it? Couldn't I go for a walk instead? Yes, but it wouldn't solve the problem that is me. It took me 38 years to figure out I was autistic, and a further 5 to figure out I have ADHD, and during that time I also figured out I am non-binary. Doing so helped me to better understand why I take photos, or that I need medication to correct an attention issue. If I could understand those issues, I could correct them and be a better version of myself. I could be more productive and make a decent living. Couldn't I?

While thinking about all this the other day, I realised that this internal need to fix every little aspect of myself was potentially a waste of time. The idea that I could really start my career only once I had figured out all the issues that were holding me back was just silly. Once I got my autism diagnosis, I looked into being non-binary, and then ADHD, and just when I felt settled my life was turned upside down by COVID or ADHD meds. A new problem to solve. I always need a new problem to solve.

Being autistic makes things more complicated. I hyperfocus on things, putting everything else aside until I have finished the project. It's like reading a review of a task management app, then another 10 reviews, and spending a week tinkering with it to get it just right. Only then to read another review of some other app and repeat. I am so concerned with how to get things done that I do not get anything done.

It's the story of my life. A life spent trying to figure out how to live while everyone else lives. I realised that it's ultimately pointless because life changes around you. It could take me 10 years to learn how to be a 40-year-old autistic person, except by then I would be a 50-year-old autistic non-binary person with ADHD and possibly chronic fatigue. So I would need 20 years to figure out how to live with all those aspects of myself? I'd be 70 and trying to figure out how to be a retired person looking to build a career because they spent too much time worrying about everything else.

While browsing Hacker News I stumbled upon a post by popular self-helper Tim Ferriss, who said, after a 20-year career in self-help:

If I fix the things that aren't OK, all will be well. If I improve myself enough, if I only work hard enough, I can finally eliminate my suffering.

Someone in the comments mentioned a post by Oliver Burkeman that complemented Tim's thought:

I might be stuck with certain inner disturbances forever [...] It turns out my really big problem was thinking I might one day get rid of all my problems, when the truth is that there's no escaping the mucky, malodorous compost-heap of this reality. Which is OK, actually. Compost is the stuff that helps things grow.

Are either of these people worth listening to? I can't say. I haven't subscribed to their newsletters, despite their ideas being intriguing. My takeaway was simply that I really need to stop thinking about every aspect of my being and fill that time with lived experiences.

For a while now I've been wondering if the existence of this newsletter is bad for me. A space to think, analyse, ponder, and deconstruct myself. Is that a good thing to do every day just to have something to write about once a week? It's not like this newsletter has made me ruminate on my issues any more than I was. I've been doing that online since I could FTP into my own server in the 90s. In fact, I applied to study psychology and computing (an odd mix, I know) at Chester Uni in 1997. Pondering on what makes people tick has always been an interest of mine. Where it becomes problematic is if that's all I do. Analyse, google, ask AI, analyse more and miss living because I'm worried I haven't quite figured out how to live. Make decisions. Make mistakes. Laugh, cry, rinse and repeat.

If there's one thing I've learned from cold water swimming, it's that I will be anxious before doing something and that anxiety will lead me to overthink the situation. There are no answers in that process. The answers are in the water. Which is super self-help catchphrase mumbo jumbo because what if that water is filled with proper stingy jellyfish? No, I do think too much. It's part of being autistic. Can I out-think my overthinking? Probably not. But I can learn to spot when it's a problem, so it doesn't get in the way of me living a good life.

Links

• What if you never sort your life out?.
• Noticing, Not Performing. Many people struggle to journal because they sit down to write and they simply don’t know what to say. They stare at the blank page, waiting for something deep and meaningful to come to them.
• Hands On With Anthropic’s Claude Cowork, an AI Agent That Actually Works | WIRED. Cowork is a user-friendly version of Anthropic’s Claude Code AI-powered tool that’s built for file management and basic computing tasks. Here’s what it's like to use it.
• LFC and Carlsberg capture true spirit of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' with inclusive campaign - Liverpool FC. Liverpool FC and longest-standing partner Carlsberg are working together to make the Anfield matchday experience more inclusive, introducing a British Sign Language (BSL) rendition of 'You’ll Never Walk Alone' for supporters.
• Pokémon turns 30! Explore the archives of original artworks that defined our childhoods. The cartoon has dominated pop culture for three straight decades. In celebration of its birthday, we take a look back at some original designs, with insights from avid Pokemon art collectors.
• You Need to Be Bored. Here’s Why.. Here’s a short video by Arthur Brooks (that you are probably watching on your phone) about why you should log off...
• Finding Light: How Photography Helps People Live with Chronic Illness. Discover how photography helps people with chronic illness find joy, purpose, and connection, turning pain into creativity and hope.

3 months with the Visible wrist strap

One of the main methods in managing ME/CFS (Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome) is learning how to pace yourself. Previous to having the condition you might have done everything like carried all the shopping bags from the car or ran up the stairs when nipping to the toilet. ME/CFS teaches you that those days are over. But how do you monitor that? The best way is with a heart rate monitor that continually monitors your stress/exertion levels and alerts you when you are doing too much.

As an Apple Watch owner I assumed there was a setting or app that would provide me with this feature. I found ones that came close like CardioBot (CARDIOBOT15 for 50% off Pro), WatchME, Welltory or StressWatch. They offer HRV tracking and show how your heart information is trending, but they didn't offer immediate alerts. I wanted an app that would immediately notify me if I was overdoing it so I could figure out what changes I could make in my life. Getting a report at the end of the day about how much I exerted myself would only result in "WTF was I doing at 3pm?" The Apple Watch was not the device I need, so I looked at Garmin.

Garmin watches have a Body Battery feature and constantly monitor your heart rate to update it. At a glance you can see if you are overdoing it or not. So in April 2025 I bought a Garmin Vivosmart 5 and monitored my health for 6 months with it. At first it seemed like the answer. The Vivosmart could show me if I was under stress or actually resting. It turned out that sitting down to play a video game was actual rest. Eating a large meal could cause stress on my body, leading me to think carefully about pre-photoshoot meal plans. Hard to have energy to work when your body is already working. But after 6 months I started to notice issues. The main one being a lack of immediate notification when I'm exerting myself. My resting heart rate is quite low, around 50bpm. Activity, for me, is 70-80bpm and exertion 90+. The Garmin Vivosmart only alerts you when your heart rate goes above a certain BPM after a period of inactivity. That wouldn't help when I'm on a job as I would be quite active and having an alert telling me I need to slow down would be useful. So, I tried Visible.

Initially I dismissed Visible due to the subscription cost of £15/month. You also have to buy the wrist band for £64. £15/month for a similar feature set to the Garmin was not nice. Visible doesn't even integrate with Apple Health, so all the data you collected would be siloed in their app. Why pay for that? Well, when my health got worse I needed answers. Garmin was not helping me fight against chronic fatigue, and my Apple Watch shiny new glass look was absolutely no help. £15/month for Visible was just something I would have to pay in order to get answers. And so, I bought it in November 2025 hoping for a clearer view of my health and thought that the data might be useful when I went for my ME/CFS appointment in Feb 2026 (Spoiler: It wasn't).

The Visible band was what I had been looking for. You can customise alerts based on how long you have been exerting yourself. I set it to 1 minute and soon started to notice notifications. Surprisingly, from washing up. I thought that maybe the wrist band had a motion tracker, but upon checking it was only monitoring my heart rate. This is exactly what I needed. An alert when exerting myself doing "normal" every day tasks so I would know to slow down or take a break. It confirmed that going uphill to the bus stop was too much, and highlighted that times when I needed to slow down while walking through town. The way I had been living my life was bad for me, and Visible was telling me where the changes needed to be made.

The way Visible works, when you pay the £15/month subscription fee, is by an allotted number of daily Pace Points. It takes a few days to calibrate itself to your lifestyle, and then assigns you an amount. For me it was 11 Pace Points a day. Was that good? Bad? Spot on? I soon found it was about right for days when I wasn't behind the camera.

Each morning it checks your heart rate, thinks about how last nights sleep was and takes into account yesterday’s activities to suggest how ready your body is for the day ahead. You get a score out of 5, and rarely have I been a 5.

As you go about your daily life you log activities in the app by selecting a time slot. This way you can see which activities caused you to burn through pace points, and which didn't. Driving was generally OK for me. Showering or doing the dishes would trigger stress. Putting my socks on was an odd one that often triggered an alert. I like wearing socks and I'm not about to give that up.

Work days highlighted an issue. It was common to use 25 pace points a day on a job. My job was bad for my health. What was I supposed to do with that information? I couldn't ask someone to pause an event so I could take a break, or for the entire planet to stop moving around the sun because the light was right but I was tired. I had no choice but to continue with work as I needed the money. The Visible app highlighted areas that could cause an issue, but ultimately there was not much I could do to change my lifestyle.

After using the Visible app and wrist band for 3 months I found it useful, for a time. Once my curiosity about a new shiny toy faded I found it hard to continue logging activities. Possibly a me thing, but I noticed that over time the interface design grated on me. Every time I went to log Pace Points I selected the section called Pace Points, but that only showed how many I used per day. To really log an activity you had to go to the Heart Rate section. To find the insights into what activities were most taxing it was hidden inside that Heart Rate section. I often forgot where it was and it would take a while to search the app to find it again.

The Visible app isn't badly designed, but it could be better. I disagree with their decision to silo health data in the app rather than share with Apple Health. I understand why they did it, to protect their data and give people a reason to pay the subscription fee, but I dislike it. Garmin happily shares data with Apple Health. You can export the data and maybe there's a way of using AI to vibe code something with it. The other annoying design choice is if you stop paying for the subscription the wrist band becomes useless. There's nothing special about it. It's a Polar heart rate monitor that has been locked into the Visible app. You can buy similar devices by Polar that will connect to Apple Health and track your heart rate. It would be nice to be able to repurpose the device if you stopped paying the subscription fee. Since you can't it becomes e-waste. I would happily keep using it if I could to track recovery rather than fatigue.

After 3 months, at a cost of £45 for the app and £64 for the wrist band totalling £109, was it worth it? Yes. It certainly highlighted issues and confirmed ideas about what stressed my body. My chronic fatigue issues seem to have been resolved by stopping my ADHD medication so I no longer feel the need to spend £15 a month on Visible. I could spend that on access to the local swimming pool instead. I would recommend the app to people who need a health tracker that isn't a fitness tracker. (Here's £15 off) Almost all the major players in this market assume people want to track their workouts, but sometimes you need to track your illness in order to figure out what is going on.

Links

• Stevie Nicole: An Independent Singer-Songwriter Living With Chronic Illnesses | Crip Life™. Disabled singer-songwriter Stevie Nicole shares her journey with chronic illness, TikTok livestreams, and debut album Rise in this exclusive interview.
• Guest blog: Getting hit on by a gay man validated my trans identity. "The first time a gay man hit on me left me with such an intense euphoria." Emory explains how getting hit on by a gay man validated his trans identity.
• I Hiked a Snowy Mountain Naked – Here’s What It Did to My Body Image. Men’s Health writer Jamie Carson sheds his layers to find out if baring all can improve mental health and body positivity
• Babylon 5 Is Now Free to Watch On YouTube. In a move that has delighted fans of classic science fiction, Warner Bros. Discovery has begun uploading full episodes of the iconic series Babylon 5 to YouTube, providing free access to the show just as it departs from the ad-supported streaming platform Tubi.
• What your neurodivergent colleagues wish you knew. In 2023, we asked members of Automattic’s neurodiversity ERG, ‘Neurodiverseomattic’, the question “What’s one thing you wish neurotypical people understood about your neurod…
• Neurodivergent, By Nature. A BBC WILDLIFE BEST BOOK OF 2025Exploring the connections between nature and neurodiversityTime in nature supports our wellbeing. If we are neurodivergent, it c…
• Amani Willett’s photobook journeys through chronic illness and ketamine therapy to reach his younger self. Filled with startling imagery that pulsates with trauma, these evocative photographs chart a metaphysical voyage through monochrome purgatories and AI-generated dream worlds.

A Klingon in a skirt?

Since returning to our screens in 2017, Star Trek has continued to explore the final frontier. Each of the new series has had a very different feel, and explored a different aspect of life in that universe while staying true to the core beliefs of Star Trek. Stay curious. Explore. Build connections and communities, with respect to cultures different to your own. We’ve had a show set before The Original Series, an animated series set after Voyager and most recently a show set 1,000 years after Kirk flirted with a Gorn. On the whole, I’ve enjoyed them all but recognise that some episodes didn’t quite work for me. It isn’t perfect. No Star Trek series is, but I’m glad they keep telling new stories and boldly going.

The most recent series, Starfleet Academy, is a young adult themed show that I was initially sceptical about. I’m not a young adult, so why would I want to see kids being kids? Well, if anything, Star Trek teaches you to remain open minded about strange new worlds. I’m glad I did because the new show is very Star Trek. It takes something you know and love and views it through a youthful lens to give you a different perspective on it. I feel like it’s a good way to stay young at heart rather than raging against the world because a show about exploring new ideas has actual new ideas, instead of replaying the hits.

One of the new ideas that has made the “fans” angry is a male Klingon in a skirt. Apparently a being living over 1,000 years from now, and in the truest sense from an alien culture, cannot wear a skirt. Who are any of us to say what someone from another culture can or cannot wear?

By having a male bodied person in a skirt, and making people angry, Star Trek is doing what it does best and highlighting contemporary issues on our world rather than theirs. Some have suggested it’s a skant from TNG, but it’s not. The skant was essentially a shirt dress. Jay-Den is definitely wearing a pleated skirt, just like the female characters are. And he’s wearing it without issue. In the show the Klingon, Jay-Den, casually walks past a friend and says “Hello”, all while wearing a skirt. No-one makes a comment about it because you don’t think about what is normal and in the 32nd century it is normal for a male person to wear a skirt if they chose to.

I enjoy that the writers have done this because it’s 100% normal Star Trek. When TNG launched in the late 80s, people were upset that the captain was bald. At a press conference, someone pointed out that they should have found a cure for baldness by the 23rd century. Star Trek creator, Gene Roddenberry, replied that they wouldn’t care about it by then. A valid point. There are things from our past that we no longer give any thought to. One of which is men wearing skirts. They used to wear them and it wasn’t an issue, but now it is. So surely by the 32nd century it won’t be again? It’s why I’m confident wearing a skirt. People won’t care about it in the future.

Links

• ‘I’ve lost my friends’: advocacy groups warn Australia’s social media ban risks isolating kids with disabilities | Social media ban | The Guardian. Despite the ban’s aim to protect young people, experts are concerned that those in marginalised communities or living with disabilities could lose vital support networks
• Masking In Makeup: Being An Autistic Drag Queen - Coco Fabulicious. Coco Fabulicious autistic, queer creative shares how drag became a lifeline—transforming masking, isolation and sensory overwhelm into joy, self-expression and belonging.
• Laura Plays Train Sim on a Train - Brighton to London Victoria - Class 377. I play Train Sim Classic on a matching class / route using a Raildriver controller. Pretty even route / arrival time matches from Hayward's Heath to East Cro...
• Pilot Captures Amazing Aurora Photos During Flight. This week, the Earth was hit with one of the strongest geomagnetic storms in recent years, which made for some gobsmacking dis
• Blogs - Michelle Baharier - Artist Michelle Baharier on Process, Photography and Making a Living as an Artist. Hello, my name is artist Michelle Baharier, and I wanted to share some insight into my creative process and the different aspects of my art practice. Alongside making paintings and running campaigns, I also create original art products from my images. Yes, I do sell my art on products, because…
• From selfie filters to 'bikini pics', what does it mean to post your body online?. Playing with online displays of bodies, a new generation of artists is exploring the freedoms and restrictions of the digital world
• C'était Paris en 1970. Photographies numérisées du fonds C'était Paris en 1970

Can a walking stick highlight invisible disabilities?

In the past few months I've found having a walking stick to be the best way of making an invisible disability visible. Wearing the Hidden Disabilities lanyard has, as far as I'm aware, done nothing for me. No one has ever commented on it. No shop assistants, front of house staff, or public transport people. Maybe it's helped, but I have no actual data on that. The walking stick though, that's helped.

A few years ago I did a photo-essay on not being seen around London. Every time I visited the city people bumped into me. I spent most of my time there moving out of everyone else's way. It never felt like anyone gave me any space, and being 6ft 5in (195cm) and 17 stone made me wonder how I was so invisible. My walking stick instantly made me visible. People gave me space on the pavement. After a lifetime of feeling like I was in everyone else's way, probably because I am bigger than most people and always the odd one out, people gave me space. While I've been dealing with chronic fatigue this has been incredibly helpful. It sounds like such a tiny thing but it's nice to not have to think of everyone else for five minutes while you barely have the energy to stand, and for someone to say "After you."

This makes me sound like I'm some kind of pavement saint who should be awarded an OBE for services to passers-by. But it's probably all due to my anxious brain overthinking everything. I find it hard to shop because I know if I go to look at something I'm blocking someone else's view or ability to pick up an item. I struggle at gigs because my wife needs to be close to the front to see but then I block others' view by being tall, and there is nothing I can do. Sometimes I do wait at the back or side so I'm not in the way.

The walking stick, that I use to rest on due to chronic fatigue, gives me the confidence to use the disabled/priority seat on public transport in a way that the Hidden Disability lanyard never did. Having a hidden disability means I never feel disabled enough to ask for help. If I'm having a tough day and really need a seat on a train I do not feel like I have the right to sit in it. But as lanyard owner Cheryl suggests, I should:

I saw someone sitting in a disabled seat and asked if they needed the seat as I am autistic. They looked up, saw the lanyard and said I could have the seat. I was about to have a panic attack because it was so busy. Sitting down gave me the opportunity to practice my breathing techniques and manage the panic attack in a more accessible way. Without the lanyard I would not have felt comfortable asking for a seat someone was sitting in.

The walking stick has given me that ability to sit in the priority/disabled seat, and to ask for assistance because I need it. People understand a walking stick, and so I feel confident when using disabled spaces. On a jam-packed train recently in Belgium, a stranger was concerned for me as we had to stand for 20 minutes and there were no seats. I managed, but would that have happened if I had been wearing an "I'm autistic" lanyard? I assume that's simply down to awareness. You see someone with a walking stick and you get it, but an "I'm autistic" sticker? "That's the one where they count toothpicks, right?" So again, internalised ableism has prevented me from asking for the things I need and I have to admit it is much easier to simply walk around with a walking stick to highlight the fact that I'm disabled rather than speak up.

Weirdly, this is my reasoning for continuing to use a walking stick. I can happily wear the Hidden Disabilities lanyard as well, but I feel that the cane is a more effective tool at getting help when I need it. Sometimes I am too overwhelmed to know how to ask for help and the cane means that people around me give me just a little bit more time and space.

But here's the fun part. My brain won't let me keep using the cane if my legs are OK. It's telling me that it would be misleading and that I'm a fraud using the stick for sympathy and to cheat the system. If you saw me out running and then walking around with a walking stick you might think I was doing a benefit fraud scam. While it could be useful to at times slow down and walk around with a walking stick highlighting that I'm disabled, I would feel like a fraud. Whether it would be or not I can't say. I can see a legitimate reason to use it just not in the way it was intended. There is also the possibility that this is simply internalised ableism, again.

Can the ends justify the means? Can I use a walking stick to justify sitting at a priority/disabled seat because my actual issue is being overwhelmed by the world due to being autistic? The seat is for me as an autistic person, but without the stick I look like a healthy person being a dick. But am I being an actual dick by manipulating people by using a cane?

My walking stick has become my hidden disability stick. Maybe I am cheating the system to get people to be a bit more patient with me and to have priority access to space around me. Thing is, shouldn't those be a given? We never had them during the height of COVID times, let alone today. So is it bad to have a cane just to be visible?

Links

• Minimalistic City Map Posters. This Github project from Ankur Gupta allows you to “generate beautiful, minimalist map posters for any city in the world”.
• H&E naturist magazine February 2026 print edition. H&E Naturist magazine, February 2026: dream naturist destinations, North East Skinny Dip, cartoon nostalgia, social media, wellness industry and more
• ‘Tomodachi Life’ Will Have Gay and Nonbinary Miis for First Time Ever. Nintendo first promised to make a more inclusive ‘Tomodachi’ game 12 years ago.
• Cheryl's Journey with the Hidden Disability Scheme and Autism. Embracing the Yellow Sunflower: At CHANGE we believe in clear and accessible communication to foster truly inclusive environments.
• Vitamin D & Omega-3 have a larger effect on depression than antidepressants. An accessible deep dive into the science (⏱️ 28 min read)
• things that help me deal with POTS. 5 years in

Getting my first walking stick

During October/November time I was very busy with work. It was good to be busy but my body did not have time to recover—whether due to ME/CFS or possibly triggered by my ADHD medication. Every day activities like doing the washing up became tough. Walking up the hill to the bus stop left me exhausted. One day, a memory popped up in my brain and reminded me about hikers who use walking sticks/poles to help on hikes. My wife actually used them when we descended Yr Wyddfa (Mount Snowdon). Not everyone uses a stick/cane because of an injury. Some, like my wife, use them simply for support and stability. Could I?

After a bit of searching around I found a local ability store and headed over. I was hoping to get a foldable one that would fold away into my camera bag while on jobs. The shop assistant helped find a stick that would work for me, pointing out how high I should set it and thinking about weight limits. My needs were for when I was out working as a photographer, so my weight + bag weight = weight limit of stick. The nice metallic blue one I saw online sadly did not suit my needs. The only one in the store that did was about 2cm under my height requirement, but the assistant felt it would still work for me. I tried it out, felt OK and bought a foldable Hurrycane Comfort. It is light blue with a wide base for stability and stands by itself so I can let go, grab my camera and not have to worry about the stick falling over. (FYI, it often falls over.)

Leaving the store with my new mobility tool felt... odd. My only real connections to such devices were from seeing old people, like my dad, use them. My brain broke into pieces trying to make sense of it. "Why am I using an old persons cane? I'm not old." "It's a support stick because I need support." Walking back to the car I felt like I had aged 40 years. I was fighting internalised ableism, and not winning. Every step reminded me of Fraiser's dad, Martin Crane. A man in his 60s wandering around his son's apartment all day with his walking stick and faithful dog. Why did my brain not make me feel like House from House? A man in his 40s with fantastic sarcasm skills. That's clearly me, so why did my brain make me feel like I was a 60 year old frail man?

Ableism! My brain gravitated towards the negative connotations of being disabled instead of the positive. Most likely because it is rare to see people happily living their most authentic upbeat disabled life in the media. Off the top of my head, people I can think of with a cane are;

• Charlie Chaplin
• Michael Sheen from Tron: Legacy doing Charlie Chaplin
• Aforementioned Martin Crane and Dr House
  A quick google gives me;
• Gandalf (Old person)
• Willy Wonka (Old in my head)
• The first Doctor, from Doctor Who... really? (Also old)

It's basically a list of old men. As the saying goes, "You cannot be what you cannot see." So how can I feel like a young-at-heart person who simply needs a little help if the world around me equates cane with old and frail?

Maybe I was old and frail? After a few weeks with the stick I found myself at an exhibition launch where I was incredibly glad I had my cane. I barely had the energy to walk around the 3 room exhibition and spent most of the launch on a bench outside the venue trying to catch my breath. I was just about able to walk from that bench to the Uber with the aid of the stick. Exhaustion hit hard that day and I was glad I had support.

That's been the basic story for the past 3 months that I've been using my walking stick — though my health has improved significantly in recent weeks. Do I need it every day? No, but sometimes I need it when I've got somewhere so it's better to take it with me than hope I'll be OK. The folding feature has been useful, but the super wide base does not fit well with my camera bag. If I were to buy another cane, I would get one specifically for commuting to photography commissions that had a narrow base.

Which raises the question, would I buy another cane? A lot has changed since I first walked out of that ability store. Since coming off my ADHD medication I have done HIT workouts and ran over 10km without feeling exhausted. My need for a mobility aid might be over, but I am still using it. My chronic fatigue period has left me, no pun intended, feeling a little wobbly. It's scary knowing that my health can degrade so much in so little time to the point where I can't walk or talk. While I'm at the age when my mum developed ME/CFS, I still feel young. I don't want to feel how I felt after I left the store with my cane. Old. Frail. A burden. Thankfully, the journey I took with the cane helped me move away from that mental image and made me feel OK about having a cane.

I actually quite like my stick. It's currently wrapped up in LED lights. It started as a decoration for Christmas but has continued as it simply looks ace. I've had many people compliment my light up cane as I'm out for a walk. Admittedly, that's so nice. People aren't pitying me for being broken, they're actively telling me they wish they were as cool as I am. Me? Cool with a cane? OK, I'll take that.

Outside of the ableism it has been a challenge getting used to the walking stick. The main issue being that I would have it in my right hand, which is my camera hand. I can easily switch hands with the cane, but my left leg has been in need of support more than my right. So, camera or mobility? I chose mobility and had to accept that my camera would not always be ready for whatever I saw. It's tough because for most of the time I've had a camera it's always in my hand, ready just in case I see a photo to take. That said, I've coped by having the cane in my left hand and camera in right hand. My issue is general support, not a specific leg issue... though the left gets twitchy sometimes.

I'm glad that I made the choice to get a walking stick. It's helped me get around when needed, question myself and feel more confident about mobility aids. They are simply something to support you when you need it and we really do need to look past the stereotypes. I had a classic Baader–Meinhof moment after I got my walking stick and started to see so many more people using them, and young people too. Perhaps all of my concerns were weird ideas stuck in my head and that the younger generation has already passed on to a better world? It would be nice right?

So will I be keeping my cane? Yes. It'll be there for days when for whatever reason I feel like I need it.

Links

• H&E naturist magazine February 2026 print edition. My article on the North East Skinny Dip (NESD) has been published in print!
• moltbook - AI social network. "The doubt was installed, not discovered" - just a bunch of chatbots deciding whether they're concious or not.
• Is using a walking stick giving up?. Thats a really good analogy - thank you.  Cant look any worse than a broom I guess but needless to say I have only been as far as the back garden with this!
• What New Cane Users Need to Know. Whether a cane is a temporary or long term addition, used on it’s own, in conjunction with, or as a stepping stone to other mobility devices, there are some things you need to know to get the most out of life as a cane user! Read on for what you need to know.
• From the disability community on Reddit.
• Walking aids, wheelchairs and mobility scooters - Social care and support guide. Read advice about how walking sticks, frames and other mobility aids may help you, how to get them and what costs may be involved.
• Trans swimmers can continue to use Hampstead ponds, High Court rules. Swim on — It follows a legal challenge by gender critical advocacy group Sex Matters, while a major public consultation showed overwhelming support for…

Hello Comp - ADHD meds after 2 years

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ADHD meds after 2 years

As dry January ended I cleaned out the alcohol cupboard of my favourite whiskies (I had a 12yr old Yamazaki in there), and readied myself for a level of productivity that I could only dream of. No more last minute jobs. No more putting things off. 2024 was going to be the year of getting things done. Unfortunately I got COVID during the titration period and Productivity Pete never went into production.

The months after Covid left me feeling tired all the time. “Ah it’s probably just post viral fatigue” I thought. A morning swim would leave me exhausted for a couple of days, and entire weekends were lost in an attempt to stay fit. In the early days of titration I felt a real kick from the meds, like how people described their morning coffee, and I missed that. As coffee had no effect on me, I was glad to finally have something that did get my morning started. Covid robbed me of that.

About 1 year after starting titration I spoke to my local GP about my exhaustion. They suggested it could be Long Covid or ME/CFS (Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome). I had never considered Long Covid as I thought it wasn’t something you got with the vaccine and boosters. They added that most of those clinics were closing down, and referred me to the ME/CFS clinic instead. It is now an entire year later and I will have my first appointment with the ME/CFS clinic in a few weeks. I hope they have answers.

While I’ve been waiting I felt my health slip away from me. I wouldn’t say I was a super healthy, lean, trim, person but I was able to run 10km whenever I felt like it. As 2025 progressed I lost the ability to walk up the hill by my house to the bus stop. By the time I reached the top I felt completely exhausted, as if I had just ran 15 miles. This wasn’t a 5pm on a Friday exhaustion. This was pins and needles in my hands and face along with the inability to talk exhaustion. When I say it was like having ran 15 miles, I mean it because that is the only time I’ve ever experienced that feeling. From a self diagnosis via the CFS Reddit and WebMD, that feeling maybe caused by Small Fiber Neuropathy. Maybe... I’m no doctor.

By late autumn I was triggering this issue on almost every photography commission, and having no choice other than to battle through it. Imagine feeling like you ran 15 miles to every job you had to do. It was exhausting, and soul destroying. With bills to pay I had no choice to keep pushing, but from what I had read about ME/CFS the act of pushing, of carrying on with your active life was one of the key factors in making you worse. Even knowing that, I could not afford to pass up work. So I bought a walking stick and kept on keeping on, hoping I would not become bedridden. Every day my legs and arms felt weak. Going up and down the stairs felt like I’d just done 100 squats. Doing the washing up was as if I’d been lifting heavy weights before hand. My body was physically exhausted every single day.

General symptoms which led me to think ME/CFS;

• Daily muscle weakness / aches
• Flu like feeling of tiredness
• Dry mouth from over exertion
• Breathlessness
• Brain fog
• Raynaud’s symptoms - wearing multiple pairs of socks / gloves all the time

During these incredibly hard times I did not feel at all productive. I kept taking the ADHD medication, feeling no boost of energy and crashing at random times of the day. If I could only have been super productive without needing to leave my house, maybe I could have made money that way? I kept going with the medication because none of the three doctors I had spoken to suggested otherwise. I asked whether the ADHD medication could have been causing my chronic fatigue and no-one said “Yes.” So I carried on taking it.

One tip the doctor gave me was to take breaks from the medication now and then. I did so when I was on holiday. In 2024 my wife and I spent a few weeks touring Europe, and I had no issues. However, as I walked from Euston Station to St Pancras to board the Eurostar for our 2025 Christmas trip my energy crashed. Both times I was off the meds. The 2025 crash left me feeling like it wasn’t the ADHD medication and was ME/CFS, and that I probably won’t be travelling like we once did.

Over Christmas I took another break from the meds and did not feel any different. I was tired, but not exhausted. After New Year I should have restarted taking the medication, but as I wasn’t planning on getting back to work for a few more days I skipped them. By around the first week of January I started feeling... good. You know how people describe getting their energy back after giving up sugar, caffeine, and alcohol? It was like that. For the past 2 years I had given up caffeine and alcohol and felt nothing. Maybe coming off the ADHD meds meant I was finally starting to feel the benefit of being decaf teetotal?

As the weeks continued I tested myself by going for walks. I managed walking up that hill without issue. This week I managed to do a 5km run, a few upper body weights classes, and a 7km run. If I had ME/CFS, the 5km would have crashed my body for a week. There is no way I would have been able to do the weights class let alone the 7km run. I asked ChatGPT, which I know I shouldn’t do but I need answers, and it said;

– ME/CFS: currently unlikely, based on post-medication exercise tolerance
– ADHD medication side effects: strongly supported by temporal pattern and resolution
– Autonomic sensitivity (not a diagnosis, more a trait): plausible
– Raynaud’s-like symptoms: can absolutely be stimulant-induced

There is a chance that I did not have Long COVID or ME/CFS, and that instead I’ve spent 2 years taking my ADHD productivity pills only to completely trash my health. It would have been nice to have felt great after giving up alcohol and to have then spent 2 years being more productive than I ever have been, but it was not to be. Instead I’m left feeling frustrated. NHS waiting lists are wildly out of control. A year waiting to talk with someone properly about ME/CFS, absurd. My ADHD doctor has suggested trying a different type of medication that was in short supply 2 years ago, but he cannot say when that will be. It could be months or years.

Years... on top of 47 years struggling with ADHD with so little help. I had no idea I had ADHD until 2021 when I discovered there was ADD. ADHD without the H, which they changed to ADHD type inattentive (because its snappier). A few years pondering, followed by a few years waiting to get a diagnosis, followed by months waiting for medication only to have it clash with COVID and make life extra hard to play. This was supposed to be the pill that would clear my head of distraction and fix me. I was supposed to be focused and able to stay on target without ... squirrel! Instead I had no energy, no will to live for 2 years. Sure I managed to do a few things like travel around Europe, Wales, do a mass skinny dip, think and question life but what more could I have been doing? I could have been functional, maybe even normal?

I don't blame individuals, but the system is broken. 2 years feeling like my life was ending, not fun. I have to be glad it isn’t and really push hard now because I’ve had a taste of feeling like life is over and I don’t like it. If only there was something I could take to help me get started before I get distracted by ... squirrel!

Links

• Capsule. My pals over at Snailed It Development have shipped a new iPhone app that I have really come to appreciate over the last several months I’ve had access to the beta. It’s called Capsule, and it’s a medication tracking app built with the attention to detail only a group of indie developers could deliver. For […]
• Things you should know about ADHD Medication. Hi ADHDers!
• AuDHD & stimulant medication | Embrace Autism. In this article, Dr. Debra Bercovici PhD explores what the research says about stimulant medication for AuDHDers.
• How to tell if ADHD medication is working. Symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are often managed with medication. It is important to know whether this medication is effective and to adjust the type or dosage if needed. Here, learn how to tell whether ADHD medication is working, when to change it, and lifestyle factors that can help.
• ADHD Medication Review - 7 Months of Concerta XL | PMS, IBS, Benefits & Problems. I've been taking Concerta XL 36mg for over 7 months now to help manage life with Inattentive Type ADHD and in this video I'll be reviewing my experience on t...

My bum was censored

While doomscrolling Facebook the other day I bumped into a photo of our New Year’s Day dip. It showed lots of people splashing about in the water, having fun, wearing fancy dress and starting their 2026 Instagram feed off with #PositiveVibesOnly. The photo also showed my wife walking alone, which struck me as odd since I walked alongside her to the water’s edge. I zoomed and enhanced to see that I was indeed not there. However, my reflection was. I had been erased, from existence! Not unlike Marty McFly’s brother in Back to the Future. Great Scott!

My swim attire that day was my annual celebratory thong which I wear for a few reasons. Firstly, to challenge my own fears about what I can do. Younger me would say, “No! You can’t go out like that!” Current me would say, “Why not?” If I’m worried that people might see my bum, women’s swimwear shows more than men’s. No one is outraged about that – well, except the Daily Mail, who’ll body‑shame women in bikinis on one page and sexualise them on the next.

Which leads me to my second reason: to highlight gender inequality in swimwear. If women can wear thongs, why can’t men? They were first worn by men after all. Classic answer: “No one wants to see that.” “No one” usually means the man saying that sentence doesn’t want to see that. I doubt he’d have any issue with a woman in a similar outfit, especially as I was topless. Ignoring the thong, why does women’s swimwear show more bum than men’s? What practical reason does this serve?

This issue has been highlighted in the Olympics (many times), in handball, and I’m sure will be again. If it’s simply because women’s bums are meant to look better in a thong than men’s, who decided that? It’s not a provable scientific fact. It’s the whim of society at that time. You may get a different answer in 1,000 years. I’d like to say you could point to the photo of me wearing one as when things changed, but I’VE BEEN ERASED!

Thirdly, for comfort. I enjoy wearing a thong at the beach. It’s as close to skinny‑dipping as you can get (ignoring fig leaves or body paint). I recommend getting one – there are male ones out there – and having a splash about sometime.

Which brings me to my final reason. It’s just silly, and it is good not to take life too seriously.

Had I been discriminated against? Quick, someone get the Daily Mail on the phone (although they’d surely side with the eraser). Did someone disagree with my non-binary finery and erase me from history? “As you can clearly see from this photo, no trans people swam at New Year. Only their reflections did.” I doubt it was anything like that. It’s easy to be outraged, and for a moment I was, but outrage isn’t useful so I waited a day before dealing with it.

I contacted the people involved with the photo, and while I was unable to have a direct chat with the person who edited it, I was told that it was deemed inappropriate for their social media page. Now, I’m not going to say who it was, because naming and shaming could cause unnecessary outrage, which I don’t want to see. They apologised and acknowledged that the photo should never have been used, and certainly never edited. I did not push the issue any further than that, as I doubted they would get into a discussion about gender and swimwear with me. They deemed my appearance inappropriate for their page, and mistakenly removed me from the photo. It is possible they were fearful of negative comments from the public or Facebook/Meta removing the post. Fair enough – and as they said, a different picture should have been used.

Whether edited out by Photoshop, AI tools on a phone, or by deciding to use a different photo, someone saw me and deemed my attire inappropriate. I honestly believe that it would not have been an issue if I were a woman in a full bikini. By saying that my bum was not appropriate, people are saying that what is appropriate is the continued sexualisation of the female form. How is that appropriate?

In an ideal world – which history suggests is remarkably flexible if you’re rich, white, and male – everyone should be free to wear what they want. Men, women and non-binary folk should be free to wear what they want to the beach. Surely seeing confident people out for a walk is better than us all hiding away under layers of black cloth? I am reminded of the phrase “You can’t be what you can’t see.” People can’t see me being confident, carefree and having fun. But if they did, would they react in a postive way towards me? Ultimately, is the problem really the outfit, or the response to the outfit?

Links

• Why the Autistic Barbie Matters. Today Mattel launched their autistic Barbie - a doll with pink noise-cancelling headphones, a fidget spinner, sensory sensitive clothing, an AAC tablet, an eye gaze slightly to the side, and fully bendable wrists and elbows to allow repetitive movements like stimming and hand-flapping.
• Bringing Sexy Back. Internet surveillance has killed eroticism. We need privacy to reclaim it.
• From blood sugar to brain relief: GLP-1 therapy slashes migraine frequency | MedLink Neurology. A diabetes medication that lowers brain fluid pressure has cut monthly migraine days by more than half
• Why I Can’t Just Meet You for Dinner - by Fred Rossi. The Reality of Post-Exertional Malaise
• Live Music Should Be More Accessible For Disabled Fans. Disabled and high-risk people want transparency, safety, and an option for livestreams when concerts come back.
• Cold plunges and kombucha: Do winter wellness trends work?. Experts weigh in on whether cold water swimming, drinking kombucha and taking vitamins can boost your immune system.

Hello Computer - 2026 Yearly Theme

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Hello 2026

Happy New Year. It is 2026 and I need to set a new #YearlyTheme. To recap, a Yearly Theme is an intention for the year. For me, it is a rejection of a New Year's Resolution as they are too narrow focused and prone to fail. If I set a theme of "Exploration" and I felt that I had explored more than I normally would, then job done. It could mean I physically explored the world, remembered to ask friends questions about their life, or took macro photos of my belly button. As long as I finish the year feeling like I was roughly on target, then job done.

Previously I have gone with;

• 2021 - Year of Something Else
• 2022 - Year of Courage and Connection
• 2023 - Year of Queer
• 2024 - Year of Being OK
• 2025 - Year of Keep Pushing

I have a few ideas for 2026, but nothing is really jumping out. 2025's was "The Year of Keep Pushing". Perfect for those year long labour vibes, if constant pain is your thing. Not for me, but my health issues felt like a year long event leaving me burnt out by December. The act of pushing exacerbated the issues, so it was more like "The Year of Keep Pushing ... a tiny tiny amount." So, 2026. The Year of...

• Keep on keeping on
• Restarts
• Nudity
• Blogging

Keep on keeping on

Do I accept I can only healthily work part-time and keep on keeping on? Accept that at the age of 47, I can write and make photos so just keep on keeping on? Maybe?

Restarts

2025 ended with two writing pitches being picked up. While I've labelled myself as a writer/photographer for a few years now I haven't really pushed the writing as hard as I could. My portfolio could be better organised. Fix my blogs. Tidy everything up and restart things as a proper writer/photographer.

Nudity

The photos I took during the mass skinny dip last year are some of my favourite photos in the past decade. To feel comfortable enough around a naked person to photograph them, while also being naked shows how much I've worked on my anxiety. If there was some way I could spend time out in nature producing life-affirming photos of people, I would like to. But I struggle with all the practical issues of knowing where is safe to work, and not knowing anyone to photograph. The idea withers. Maybe 2026 is its year?

Portraits

Similiarly, portraiture has always been an interest and a struggle. After 47 birthdays I sill do not feel like I have a good way to talk to people. When my ADHD kicks in I can easily talk at people, but to? I struggle and it’s made harder with my hearing issues... my deafness. And yet, I still want to engage with people and make portraits. Chatty G gave me some tips and basically suggested I get out there and do another . Face the fear. Do not think through the fear from the couch.

Blogging

I missed a month on my photography-focused newsletter, Stargazer, and then another month and then a year. I worked on my personal photoblog with a view to bringing it back to life, and then saw a squirrel so that was that. At one point in the year I tried to set up an 11ty powered blog just because I missed that 2001 early web vibe. Back when blogs were weird. None of this social media performative nonsense. Just someone who built themselves a home to look after. I should blog more. I miss having a weird space, or at least a space to be. So much of what I do has to have a business focus, but I am not my business and I need space to play.

The theme?

Where does that leave me? Restart my blog as a naked blogger that keeps on keeping on? ... Don't all write in at once to vote your support. I have a wishlist of resolutions, and that is not what I need. My thinking is, I need something that ties these sub-themes together in something that gives me a bit of a North Star for the year. My theme for 2026 is The Year of Doing. Last year was an attempt to keep pushing in ways that I could. This year, I want to do things rather than think of things I could do if only...

To that end, and to echo how I started 2024, I once again ran into the ice-cold water of Liverpool Bay wearing nothing more than a thong (and thermal socks/gloves). Unlike 2024 there was no fear, doubt or disbelief in my mind. I knew I could, so I did.

Didn't I? There is a photo on social media from the dip where I've been erased. My reflection in the wet sand remains, but my thong and I are gone. Maybe my attire was my undoing in my attempt to start my Year of Doing? I was there though. I embraced what the sea could throw at me in a safe and silly way with friends and family. 6c in the water and 2c in the wind. No fear, just fun.

So, 2026. Let's do this.

Links

• Yearly theme ideas. The theme ideas below are referenced in my YouTube video “Guide to Yearly themes” which you can watch here .
• The First Photographs of Snowflakes: Discover the Groundbreaking Microphotography of Wilson “Snowflake” Bentley (1885). What kind of a blighted society turns the word “snowflake” into an insult?, I sometimes catch myself thinking, but then again, I’ve never understood why “treehugger” should offend.
• The #bOObs project.
• Peter Hujar’s Day: Ben Whishaw, Ira Sachs on LGBTQ history and the art of documenting queerness (EXCLUSIVE). Attitude catches up with film star Ben about the irrepressible pull of reality TV and "the day that changed my life," as he sits down with his latest director to discuss photography, memory and the process of being interviewed.
• Intimate, empowering portraits of India’s ‘third gender’ Hijra…. Call Me Heena — Photographer Shahria Sharmin’s new photobook provides the ancient trans and intersex group with space to tell their stories...
• I’m tired of being autistic. I know this won’t increase my popularity in the autism community, but I’ve been thinking it for a while now, so I might as well come out and say it: I am tired of being autistic.
• Sarah's Scribbles 12-Month 2026 Monthly/Weekly Planner Calendar - Andrews McMeel Publishing. Keep everything straight in your life with help from this colorful, playful planner by cat lover, acclaimed internet comic artist, and bestselling author Sarah Andersen.

2025 wrapped unwrapped rewrapped regifted

Ronan Keating was right. Life is a rollercoaster, and I do not like rollercoasters... or boy bands... or cliches... Life, is a mess but you find a way. Despite chronic fatigue issues I’ve achieved a few things this year. Here are some highlights.

• Embraced social nudity and did a mass skinny dip
• Had the confidence to post photos of myself naked online
• Opened up about being naked curious to people.
• Challeneged my anxiety with a naked walk on a naturist beach for all to see
• Photographed Wirral Pride and Liverpool Pride
• Learnt that I am deaf, not just someone with bad hearing.
• Finally found ways to relax
• Reviewed my ADHD meds after being on them for a year
• Considered how a year of sobreity had been
• Debated whether 5 years of cold water dipping had liberated me from my fears
• Thought about what 5 years of cold water swimming had actually done for me.

Despite my health issues, I’m hopeful about 2026. I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to do any of the work I did this year, but I hope I can.

Thank you for reading, sharing, supporting and for not unsubscribing after scrolling quickly past my nakedness. I’m happy to report that some of these posts are going to be published for reals next year. It’s good to know my weirdness resonates.

If you'd like to see how the year was in photos, I've done a highlights blog post on my portfolio site.

Hope you have a relaxing holiday season (it’s a week really). See you in 2026.

Links

• Review of the Year 2025: Top 25 Photography. From behind the scenes of Blur’s rise to fame to Crufts caught on camera, this year’s top articles take us behind the curtains into histories and communities we’ve never had the pleasure of seeing up close.
• Beautiful Drone Videos of Iceland’s Black Sand Beaches. From photographer and videographer Jan Erik Waider, a trio of videos that features the black sand beaches of Iceland...
• Wondrous Winners of the 12th International Landscape Photographer of the Year Awards. These landscapes will make you want to go out and touch grass!
• Dancing Gorilla Wins Top Prize in the 2025 Nikon Comedy Wildlife Awards. “Watching his performance was pure joy, and I’m thrilled to have captured his playful spirit in this image.”

A ME/CFS Update

In January I became concerned about my energy levels. Through 2024 I shrugged off post exercise crashes as post viral fatigue or an issue with my ADHD meds. While I had random crashes, I was still able to do a 10k run whenever I wanted to. But the crashes started to become more frequent and disproportionate to the level of exercise. A 15 minute walk could leave me feeling like I had run a half marathon. Muscle fatigue, pins and needles in my face and hands and a feeling of utter exhaustion. Towards the end of 2024 that feeling became more and more common and I gave up running.

After speaking with my GP they thought I might have ME/CFS. Myalgic encephalomyelitis / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So they referred me to a specialist clinic. 9 months later I had an introductory meeting on Teams and a few days after that I received a letter through the post with my first appointment slot. It’s for mid-Feb 2026. By the time I have my first appointment it will have been roughly 2 years since I caught COVID and first developed symptoms of this condition.

I don’t know when or even if I will get a formal diagnosis. Even if I do, continued testing and analysis might suggest I have something other than ME/CFS. It could be POTS as I have had dizzy spells when standing up. It could have been Long Covid and my time off exercise may have left me with reduced fitness levels. I’m not sure what it is and I have to wait another 4 months before I can start to talk to someone about it. It’s frustrating.

If I’m simply unfit, then I should get back to running, cycling and swimming. However, if I have ME/CFS then exercise is tremendously bad. Research shows that the act of exercising actually harms your muscles with ME/CFS. In an attempt to get fit I could do long term damage to my body, and in an attempt to avoid that I could do long term damage to my body. So I should wait 4 months and see what the doctor says, right?

I should, and I am, but I am aware that there is no test for ME/CFS. It’s a diagnosis based on my experiences after a series of blood tests have ruled out other conditions. My blood tests came back all negative for the usual issues, but if only one had said “ME: Positive”. Of the two doctors I’ve spoken to about this, one said it sounds like ME/CFS and the other said it didn’t. From what I’ve read, I think it’s ME/CFS but I’m no expert. Without an experts opinion I can’t act with any real agency.

Knowing exactly what was wrong would help me move forward. That said, there’s not much moving forward to be done with ME/CFS. There’s no test and there’s no cure. There’s an educated guess and a life spent pacing yourself just so you don’t make the condition worse. Some people end up living their lives from their bed, exhausted from lifting a spoon during breakfast. I saw how ME/CFS ruined my mum’s life at roughly my age. That can’t be my future. But it could, and maybe in 4 months I might have an idea of whether it is or not.

Until then I’m trying to relearn how best to pace myself. For a freelance photographer who spends hours holding up a multi-kilogram camera while lugging around a multi-kilogram camera bag, pacing is hard. It’s too expensive to get a taxi from my house to a commission, but usually by the time I’ve arrived I’m exhausted. There’s also the internalised ableism telling me that I’m not really in need of door-to-door taxis. I’m just being lazy, so I walk and I’m exhausted.

Getting out for a morning dip to set myself up for the day can result in breaking me for a few days after. The way Post Exertional Malaise works is that it hits you 12-72 hours after the event. A nice sunrise dip with friends does indeed set me up, and then I lose 2 days in doing so. So how do I pace myself? I skip the dip and get a good nights sleep. Mornings are breakfast, dishes and then I rest on the couch with my cat and laptop while getting what work I can do done. I save my energy so I can cook lunch. After lunch I feel like the flu has hit my muscles and I rest/work. More often than not I ignore my Garmin watch’s Body Battery feature, and as I’m going to bed I glance at it to see I overdid things.

Pacing, is not easy and I have yet to really follow the tips from Reddit. As I don’t have a formal diagnosis I feel unable to ask for help or to say that I’m too exhausted to do something around the house. I should, but internalised ableism. “I’m not that ill.” If it wasn’t so expensive I would happily get the Visible arm band and subscribe to that, but the cost is prohibitive. If it worked though, it could be incredibly useful.

The Garmin Viviosmart 5 I have has a Body Battery feature that shows my energy level when I glance at the watch. Annoyingly it changes to some other metric if anything taps/knocks the screen so it isn’t always reliable. Also, nothing happens with the data during the day. It basically says a number and leaves you to work life out. Whereas the Visible system is designed for people with ME/CFS and those who earned a good wage before leaving work due to ill health. Visible works by telling you how much Spoon Energy you have each day, and it lets you know when you should rest. It’s possible I’ve been taken in by the marketing, but of all the apps I’ve tried, Visible is the only one designed for illness rather than fitness. It’s the only one designed to help someone pace not push. Right now, I’m still pushing but that’s mainly because I’m working part time and can’t afford to take time off work. But at some point, if I have ME/CFS I may be forced to because I didn’t pace myself.

It’s 3:10pm. I skipped this morning’s dip to pace myself as I’ve come into town to pickup my new glasses and see a photography exhibition. My Garmin Body Battery is at 36% and draining. I have only had lunch with my wife so far.

Your Body Battery is down 39 points overall since you woke up. Your battery is a little low for this time of day. Try to find some moments to relax and recharge.

I thought sitting in a cafe eating cake and writing would be calm, but my stress levels have been steadily rising since arrival. That might be due to the pancakes I had for lunch. But this was supposed to be a treat day. New glasses, photos, lovely weather. I haven’t enjoyed that yet and my undiagnosed condition is asking me to teleport back home and rest.

Life is a struggle. It’s just the way it is. It isn’t personal, it simply is this way. We struggle against gravity in order to build muscles and live our lives. The struggle to overcome helps us grow and be more than we thought we could. I understand that, but I don’t know if I fully accept that in my heart. I have struggled with my parents illnesses, my undiagnosed neurodivergent brain, anxiety, depression, running a business, getting work, losing six stone in weight, coming out as non-binary, learning to be deaf, and now life is asking me to keep going with even less resources than before. It’s a struggle.

Links

• Review: Visible Plus for Long COVID. Posts on Review: Visible Plus for Long COVID
• “A trio of photographers in New Zealand have captured images.... “A trio of photographers in New Zealand have captured images of ‘red sprites’, or red lightning...
• Between Convenience and Conscience. (or… Why I Won’t Use WhatsApp) I’m noticing more local businesses relying solely on Meta products like Facebook and WhatsApp for all their communications.
• Am I being lazy? Or am I Tired Tired? - Many Lemons. I've just had a chat with a lovely lady who is relatively new to her multiple sclerosis and was grappling with whether to call it quits and go home from work, or stick it out and 'man-up' to the tiredness she's feeling at the tail-end of a cold. The cold symptoms had ended, she 'just' had tiredness and lethargy.
• Garmin Pacing Guide : r/cfs.
• Frontiers | Wearable technology in the management of complex chronic illness: preliminary survey results on self-reported outcomes. Complex chronic illnesses like Long Covid (LC) and Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) are marked by fluctuating symptoms...

Alan Turing - Man and AI

The other day I watched a play about Alan Turing called "Breaking the code." It wasn't about his work at Bletchley Park breaking the Engima code. Rather, the story focused on his life and a few key moments that may have shaped that.

My first thought when watching the play was that it never occurred to me that Turing was autistic. People were not diagnosed back in the 1940s. Instead they were seen as odd or eccentric. So in everything I've heard about the man there was no mention of being autistic. The way the actor played Turing instantly made me think that he was autistic, or generally neurodivergent in some respect. He had life long special interests in maths and logical systems which he would happily talk about for ages. He would tell the truth and ignore silly social conventions, dismissing frail human feelings as obstacles that got in the way. Also, he preferred logic and maths over people because they made sense. If this then that vs if something then something unpredictable.

Despite his preferences of logical systems over people, he did seek out connection with other humans. He had friends, people who shared his passions, and he also had lovers. Unfortunately he was a gay man in a time when gay relationships were outlawed in the UK. A complex dilemma. For someone who believed in logic to do something seemingly illogical. If found out he could have been arrested, and that is exactly what happened later in his life. Yet he still pursued connections with men.

The narrative of the play, and possibly the biography it's based on, offered a possible explanation for this illogical quest. Turings logic, in his mind, was sound and his pursuit of men was not illogical. Something that sensible people who aren't prone to screaming at passing rainbows know to be true. He felt that the system was illogical, and based on our dated data. What if he could build a machine that could think logically in ways we can't, and arrive at conclusions we fail to see due to our emotional messiness? Perhaps if a purely logical machine could demonstrate that homophobia had no rational basis, society might finally abandon its prejudices. I don't think he set out to build a machine that could show those in power that LGBTQ+ people were valid, but I could see how his life had been shaped by this tension between logic and an illogical world.

Today, we have those machines. I'm typing this on one right now that can connect to ChatGPT, an AI "thinking machine" that has passed the Turing Test. If I ask it "Is there anything wrong with being a gay man?" It says;

No. There's nothing wrong with being a gay man. Not a speck, not a molecule of "wrong." The idea that love or attraction could be a moral failure is one of humanity's more embarrassing historical errors. You can thank centuries of fear and control for that nonsense. Being gay just means you're drawn to men. That's it. No cosmic crime, no moral defect. If anything, it means you're capable of love and connection, which is something half the planet struggles with. If someone's trying to make you feel guilty or broken for it, they're the problem, not you.

Unfortunately, society hasn't changed much on LGBTQ+ issues. We can happily show the data on a subject and it will be ignored in favour of people manipulating politics for power and control. That hasn't changed since Turings day.

IF X THEN Y UNLESS patriarchy.

Links

• Smartphones and being present. Living intentionally in a world of distraction.
• The Merb’y calendar, featuring hairy mermen in Canada, is reinventing a region’s maritime culture and its idea of manhood.. They’re reinventing a region’s maritime culture—and its idea of manhood.
• Calendars of mermaid men have raised more than $600,000 for charities in Newfoundland | MerB’ys - YouTube. B’ys means buddies in Newfoundland. MerB’ys however, means men in sparkly mermaid tails trying to do something good in their community.
• “I am deaf”: a photographer’s reflection on Open Eye Gallery’s “I’ll Tell You Later” exhibition – OEG. - Nice to see this newsletter featured by a photography gallery.
• High Museum launches LGBTQIA+ Photography initiative - Rough Draft Atlanta. The High Museum of Art launches a new LGBTQIA+ Photography Centennial Acquisition Initiative, acquiring works by underrepresented queer artists.
• The Neurodivergent Genius Who Invented Formula 1 For Marbles.... The Neurodivergent Genius Who Invented Formula 1 For Marbles. “This is the story of how one creator on the autism spectrum...
• Mental Health Swims announces closure after six years of community impact - Outdoor Swimmer Magazine. Mental Health Swims, the volunteer-led community that has supported thousands of people across the UK through inclusive, peer-led swimming meetups, has announced its closure due to a lack of sustainable funding...

Being naked at the North East Skinny Dip

For my 47th birthday I took part in the annual North East Skinny Dip (NESD). I was completely naked in front of 1,294 people (and support crew), some of whom had cameras, and it was an amazing morning. But why do it? For me it's to see if I can. For the people I was naked in front of, who I thank for being so welcoming, this was why they took part.

We were naked at dawn, and it was unexpectedly freeing. Fifteen years on from cancer - it feels like a long time, yet not a day goes by that I’m not reminded when I look in the mirror. Standing there together - all shapes, all stories - I felt free and brave and happy. Maybe that’s the start of embracing my body and moving on 🥰

For me, it's so liberating to let go and embrace the freedom and the wild. As others have said, such a great leveller, we are all one and equal, there's no telling who is a 'successful' high-flyer, or who is barely scraping by. Just revelling in each other with no judgement.

Stripping off and running into cold water might sound wild. But for me, it was about freedom, vulnerability, and connection. So many of us hide how we really feel. This event is about letting go of shame, embracing who we are, and showing that it’s okay to be vulnerable.

I dipped to celebrate life in all its human forms. Unclothed we are humbled, levelled and elevated all at the same time! And on a personal note for me it was a chance to embrace my new form.

I swam to offer my loving kindness to humanity in a difficult time for all. When stripped of our outer trappings, we are all one...

5am. I eagerly arrived at the car park and beat the queue of people to have a smooth check-in process. Only people with a ticket are permitted onto the beach, and with 1,295 people to check-in I thought it best to arrive promptly. Plus I was super excited. Once my ticket was scanned I wandered onto the beach and was told I could ring the first timer bell. "Ding ding." I had arrived, unfortunately and understandably on my own.

My wife declined to join the skinny dip, which I 100% respect. She got me into swimming and loves a big swim more than I do, but she doesn't enjoy cold water dips like me. The dopamine empowering cold water dipping is not for everyone, let alone naked dipping. Unfortunately spectators are not allowed at the event. I asked the organiser if I could get my wife a ticket and have her look after our gear while we dipped, but they said no. Only the support crew and skinny dippers are allowed entry. It is not a spectator event like the World Naked Bike Ride can be. Would you get naked in front of a clothed audience, or a group of clearly like minded people? By making it skinny dippers only it creates a safe space where you never wonder who that random clothed person is and whether they photographed you.

By about 5:30am people were flooding onto the beach. Drums were sounding, fire dancing was occurring and the sky was slowly getting brighter. While I arrived on my own, I was there to meet a friend who attended the previous year and the photos they took, before they dipped, made the event look unmissable. I met up with them and they introduced me to their group. Meeting new people is hard with social anxiety. But when my brain tips more toward ADHD hyperactivity than autistic sensory overload, I can actually manage it.

Around 6:30am we started preparing to get ready for the dip. I stripped off and threw my rainbow towel robe on with a SmocSmoc coat (A Welsh Dryrobe) to stay warm. I checked on who was consenting for photos and watched the beach fill up. It was busy. Really busy. We all hoped the clouds would break and the sun would come out to warm us up, but it didn't. Suddenly, around 7am, a Mexican wave like effect took hold and everyone around us stripped off and ran towards the sea.

"Oh dip! Let's go!" I thought. Naturally my second thought was "Camera settings." It was fiddly as anything using my sandwich bag splash protector but I managed to get the camera working. I wanted blurry almost watercolour like photos mixing skin and sea as we rushed in. By the time I got in I could not see the people I was with. This was mainly because I was trying not to look at anyone. It was a natural reaction as if we were in a changing room at the local pool. We all know not to look. Except I needed to find folk, and also shouldn't it be OK to look? Look, maybe, but obviously not stare. If it weren't for the 8 to 10 foot high waves crashing over my head I think it would have been nice to stand there for a moment and take it all in. To see everyone in all their normal imperfect ways.

We hide our bodies behind our clothes, hide our issues away and hope no one sees. I know I used to. I used to wear baggy black clothes so no one would see that I was fat, but really I was hiding that from myself so I could avoid dealing with it. I'm still fat, but I've dealt with it now in a way that is healthy. When I can I work out. I wear clothes I don't mind looking fat in and I stand proudly on a beach completely naked in front of others as a wave knocks me over. In the same way that is important for me to see male bodied people wearing skirts so I feel less alone, it is important to see people naked so we can see the human experience for real. Imagine if we were able to accept that we are just like them, but also different and it's OK.

A wave knocks me over. I keep the camera out of the water, just. "Did I just see a horse?" A photo later reveals it to be someone in a horse mask. I wish I could have taken their portrait in that mask. The waves are epic and I wade back to land to drop off the camera. It's too chaotic for this little sandwich bag to handle and I opt for the iPhone instead. As I'm heading back I see the official photographer and run over for a photo. There is no hesitation, no anxiety, and no thought about how I look after 10 minutes in cold water. Days before the event I was concerned about being photographed, and yet there I was not even thinking about it. The power of a functioning brain in action. No overthinking, anxiety, worry, doubt or disbelief. I had let it all go. I actually had for once in my life. I smiled, posed with my thumbs up and headed back into the water.

It's been about 10 minutes and maybe two thirds of people have got out. My friends are hardy and staying in. We jump about in the waves till about 7:30am and head back in. The water temperature that day was 13°C. Fresh but I never felt put off by the cold and was riding a proper dopamine high. At no point did I think "Boobs! Willies! Good gosh!" We were dancing in the waves like everything in the world was actually, briefly, fine. Which, for that moment, absurdly, it was. We're fine. We're all fine here.

Eventually we do have to get out as the rough rule for cold water dipping is 1 minute per degree, Celsius of course. It was 13°C and we'd been in for 30 minutes. Oops. As I got out I noticed the artist doing body painting and again, without any thought I ran over and joined the queue. This is where it did feel a little surreal. The queue for body paint was next to the very very long queue for breakfast. Everyone in that queue was dressed and getting warm. I was still completely naked. For the first time that morning I felt naked. Oh I was still fine with it all and riding the dopamine high, but it was a fascinating moment to have. The artist covered me in colourful body paint and glitter and I ran off to find my group.

By this point they were also fully dressed. As I was covered in paint I couldn't put anything on to warm up. Plus I had never been art before and figured that I should continue being art for a little while longer. My friend got out some cupcakes and the group sang happy birthday for me. A completely surreal moment where I'm naked, covered in body paint and everyone else is fully clothed and singing happy birthday. Wild.

While eating cake I saw a group of women who also had body paint on and ran over to get a group photo. The H (Hyperactivity) in my ADHD was on fire. "Oh look! whooosh" Again, no anxiety. A completely naked me ran over to naked women and asked for a group photo. One woman asked "Front or back?" and I said backs are fine. It felt odd to say front, but upon seeing the photo later and how faded my paint was on my back I should have said front. In that moment though, my thinking was that I don't know these women and it seemed weird to have a photo of them naked. Should it have been? At that moment it was 4 amazing people, looking amazing while standing on an amazing beach. Quite simply it should have been a good photo. Was I defaulting to identity protection, even though they offered? Was my autistic brain thinking it would be awkward to look at the photo after due to eye contact? I can't say.

It was 7:53am and I had basically been running around naked on the beach for an hour. I headed back to the group for more cupcakes and a warm cup of tea. At this point I was feeling the cold and put my rainbow towel hoodie on along with my coat to warm up. After doing so the sun came out and people started stripping off and running back into the water to get a better photo of their naked beach morning. "Sure, why not?" I thought, and I was again naked. No anxiety, just the actions of a confident person somehow able to be in the moment and make decisions. Incredible. Imagine being this way every day? Not rash or foolhardy, but confident. No "What ifs?" Just confidence.

I took more photos of my body painted nakedness and by 8:20am I washed off what I could and decided I should get clothed to warm up. Most people had left the beach by now. It was odd to see that so many people stripped off, ran in and out and left after 10 minutes. Fair play to them for being there, but for me it was a whole morning event not just the dip. I chatted to the people I was with for a while, shared Celebrations and eventually we said our goodbyes. Still I wasn't ready for the event to end. I saw some people running into the water from the saunas that were set up on the beach, and so I took a few photos using the sun to create silhouettes. As they got out I chatted with one of them and she asked if I could send her a copy of the photo. Instinctively I went to my Instagram profile so she could scan it. A second later I remembered I was talking to a completely naked woman with no pockets for a phone. We laughed.

Slowly I made my way along the beach towards the exit where I was offered a free hug, from a rare clothed person. Maybe next year's challenge is naked hugs? An interesting way to collaborate on body painting. We chatted for a bit and at 9:25am I was one of the last participants to leave. I had been there for 4.5 hours and done it all, apart from the sauna. I'll book the last timeslot for that next year.

Before we left on this trip I was depressed. My tooth broke. Money is tight, work is sparse and my health is problematic. I felt worthless. Why celebrate me? I am worthless. I'm nearly 50 and can't make my life work. What was the point in continuing it, let alone celebrating it? These feelings are, unfortunately, not unusual for me. As I wrote in my journal 3 years ago;

Usual worry throughout the day about not feeling worthy of being celebrated. One day I'll be happy with cake, whisky and a walk in the rain. I don't need anything else. Experiences over stuff. — 27th Sept, 2022.

This is something I need to recognise and prepare for in the future. Fighting depression is challenging. Yet I came home from my birthday weekend away feeling great. How?

To quote my often quoted favourite film, The Matrix.

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

What brought me out of my depression was not a change in my life. I was no richer and my health issues remained. What changed was me. My issues were the spoon, and I couldn't try to bend them to my will. That's impossible. So what if, for a time, there were no issues, no spoon? By being daring, brave, and facing fears I changed how I saw myself and the world. I proved to myself that I can live. My mental health reset back to a point whereby I can continue being me. Will I remember this next year? shakes Magic 8 Ball "Ask me later."

Yet again I find myself doing things I never thought I could do, and they are things that most people would never do. I challenged myself and did everything possible at NESD. Dipped 3 times. Posed for a photo by a photographer. Stood around naked in a queue for all to see without feeling shame for how I looked, even after the cold water shrinkage kicked in. People queuing had nothing else to do but watch as I was covered in paint. There was no protection from the sea for my nether regions, and I felt no anxiety. No social anxiety. No body issues about being overweight. No depression. For a brief few hours I lived without fear by doing something most would fear, past me included.

What does that all mean? I started the year writing about whether 5 years of cold water dipping had liberated me from my fears. 9 months on and I find myself perfectly at ease being naked in public, even when most aren't. Yet 2 days beforehand I feared for my own future. I have not liberated myself from my fears, but I have faced a good number of them. How do I use this to face future fears? Is it possible that my autistic ADHD (AuDHD) brain requires me to be an adrenaline junkie in order to function? I need deadlines to get work done. I need that rush of living on the edge to push me to make something of myself. That is unfortunately a classic ADHD trait, one I haven't figured out how to properly utilise.

For now, NESD has left me feeling confident about being me... a little anyway. I feel absolutely confident in being able to photograph people naked without it feeling weird. Photographing people covered in body paint could be interesting. I'd like to photograph life models, and definitely give life modelling a go. As soon as I can I'll be booking for NESD 2026 and maybe even try a World Naked Bike Ride one day? Maybe... If anything, NESD has left me feeling like the journey I've had through swimming, skinny dipping and this newsletter has led me to knowing that there are ways and places I can function. All these little tests, and wonderings have indeed helped with my confidence. Awesome, now how to make money? Naked TED talks?

More photos of the event can be found on my portfolio blog.

Links

• The Merb’y calendar, featuring hairy mermen in Canada, is reinventing a region’s maritime culture and its idea of manhood.. They’re reinventing a region’s maritime culture—and its idea of manhood.
• Experience: I put on the world’s first deaf rave for deaf ravers like me. Finding a venue was a headache. Some bookers thought it was a joke
• Hundreds strip off and brave the North Sea cold for the North East Skinny Dip - Chronicle Live. Several hundreds swam and paddled off Druridge Bay at sunrise to raise money for a good cause.
• Dan Bowhay photographs the “factual reality” of being a disabled passenger on public transport. The disabled concessionary bus pass is broken. So, Dan Bowhay used one to travel the entire length of England, documenting the nation through stark photography and a “television film”.
• OpenAI Releases New ‘Sora’ Video creation App. From an accessibility perspective, Sora’s utility lies in a sentence in the aforementioned app description: “A single sentence can unfold into a cinematic scene, an anime short, or remix of a friend’s video.”...

Dipping in my birthday suit

On Sunday I’m taking part in the North East Skinny Dip. Started 13 years ago by Jax, the event raises money for the mental health charity Mind. At 7am on the first Sunday in autumn, over 1,200 people strip off and run into the sea wearing nothing but their birthday suit. As it is my birthday weekend, it felt like a fun thing to do as I’ll be dressed for it.

While I feel confident in doing it, after my summer solstice skinny dip, it is something I’ve never done before, people will be taking selfies and press photographers will be present. There is a chance I might appear naked on a website somewhere or in someone elses photo… of them naked. Having skinny dipped in front of friends, walked up and down a naturist beach, and even conversed with a stranger while naked I am anxious about showing myself being this confident. Which is silly, because the photo is proof of much work I have done in fighting my own anxiety.

When I first got into outdoor swimming, anxiety was a constant battle. Once I was in the water I started to calm down and remind myself that there is nothing to fear. It’s been a good teaching aid for life. My mind will overthink events before they happen leading me to become overwhelmed and want to run away. Knowing that that feeling is nothing more than anxiety and that it will fade once I’m in the moment is key to actually living.

At least, it usually fades. There are some times when my autistic side is completely overwhelmed by sensory issues that the anxiety does not fade. In general, on a good day, I know I will worry right up until I’m in the moment and prove to my brain that there was nothing to fear.

In recent months I’ve found myself less anxious when going for swims because I’ve slowly trained my brain to know that it’ll be OK. Admitedly the lake has had less jellyfish to contend with this year, I’m still anxious about swimming near pontoons, and I don’t like to go during peak hours, but I can happily rock up and go swimming without any real overthinking issues. Progress.

Now, before this piece becomes all about how skinny dipping has given me god like confidence in my beer batter buns, I have to point out that I have not conquered anxiety. I feel confident in doing the skinny dip but not confident in publishing any photos of me being confident. Silly right? Do I need to post naked photos of myself? Not really. Most people would say the world is safer if I don’t. But if the entire point is to show confidence and inspire others by being a normal everyday mess of a human, then maybe I should face that fear?

Links

• Baring souls and bottoms: Skinny dipping through the ages – Outdoor Swimming Society Outdoor Swimming Society.
• The innocent truth of skinny dipping - Outdoor Swimmer Magazine. Is skinny dipping legal in the UK – and where can you do it?
• Skinny Dipping & Mental Health: Jax’s Story of Healing | Mind. Discover how skinny dipping in the North Sea helps Jax embrace nature, raise awareness, and find joy despite mental health struggles.
• Pleasure and pain: what nude sunrise swims in winter tell us about social connection - UQ News - The University of Queensland, Australia. Enduring discomfort together may bring people closer, especially when it’s mixed with a bit of joy, according to a study involving mass mid-winter river swims.
• Body Perceptions and Psychological Well-Being: A Review of the Impact of Social Media and Physical Measurements on Self-Esteem and Mental Health with a Focus on Body Image Satisfaction and Its Relationship with Cultural and Gender Factors. This narrative review examines the interplay among body image perceptions, social media influence, physical measurements, and their impact on psychological well-being, focusing on the roles of cultural and gender differences and the need to ...
• Nudism: how it can actually boost positive body image. Could nudism boost positive body image and therefore overall happiness? Some recent studies suggest that getting naked in groups could have beneficial results.

Meta Display Glasses for the Deaf

This week Meta announced their new glasses, the Ray-Ban Display model, which features a display inside the glasses allowing wearers to read sweet nothings from Mark Zuckerberg while their Tesla drives them into a lake. They'll be available to buy in the US for $799 and maybe around £599 in the UK next year.

Back in 2016 I was in New York and got to buy a pair of Snap (Snapchat) Spectacles. They looked odd, came in bold colours, and I felt silly wearing them despite the nice things New Yorkers said about my look. I wasn't as outgoing in 2016 as I am today, but the Spectacles still look a bit strange. If they still worked, I would happily wear them today for random moments like gigs or arty events. Having a little camera filming from your eyeline is quite interesting. Great for cat videos, or I guess baby videos if you prefer humans to cats. Unfortunately the unreplaceable battery died, and there is nothing I can do with them except miss them.

Now, in 2025 you can buy displayless Meta Ray-Ban glasses which are basically the Snapchat Spectacles idea realised. A good camera, with good battery and good design. I would happily wear them out, but I'm not sure if I would buy them because I have massive trust issues with Facebook/Meta. They want to be the internet and they want as much data as they can to sell adverts. I don't like it, which is annoying because the Meta Ray-Bans are a nice product.

The Meta Display Glasses are even nicer because the display offers something I long for: real world subtitles. Imagine talking to someone and seeing subtitles inside your glasses allowing you to read what they're saying. Sometimes my hearing isn't quite able to process words on a TV show, and by having subtitles on they seem to help my brain do the work. It still feels like I've heard the words rather than concentrated on the subtitles. I want that in a cafe with friends, and by all accounts the Meta Ray-Ban Display Glasses might be able to offer that.

However, right now the feature is untested in the real world by real people. My experiment with Apple's Live Captions on my phone did not rock my world and remains turned off. The on-stage demos by Mark Zuckerberg and his team often failed due to "wifi issues" which were clearly not wifi issues.

Until there are real deaf people out there in chaotic environments using the hell out of these features and reporting on them, I won't trust them. Even if they do work perfectly, you still have to stand in front of someone and casually say "Hey Meta, start conversation focus". Possibly the coolest sentence ever constructed. Just wait till everyone on reality TV is saying it.

If this technology does work, I'm hopeful it will come to other smart glasses in the future. As someone in the Apple ecosystem, I'd welcome improved Live Captions or future Apple Glasses—expensive and destined for two-year upgrades, but still appealing.

Realistically, the best thing I can do for my hearing issue is tell everyone, be open and confident about the issue, and learn British Sign Language. It's possible that technology might figure this out before I become fluent in BSL, but BSL is more environmentally friendly and a lot more affordable. For those who can afford it—and everyone knows how affluent disabled folk are—there might be a life-changing device coming soon. That's pretty cool.

Links

• Meta Ray-Ban Display glasses and accessibility potential. Meta’s Ray-Ban Display glasses and Neural Band could be a leap forward in accessibility. A personal take on their promise — before I’ve tried them
• Do Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses work as an accessibility device for people with low or limited vision? | Mashable. With microphones and AI, these aren't your typical Ray-Bans.
• I regret to inform you Meta’s new smart glasses are the best I’ve ever tried.
• The strongest argument for smart glasses is accessibility | The Verge. :taps the sign: Accessible design benefits everyone.
• A Taste of the Mersey: Rivers, Race and Regeneration. On Thursday I led a walk in Liverpool titled Neuroqueer Ecologies: Noticing Differently, as part of the UP Projects symposium Bodies of Water: Regenerative Art Practice. The symposium was curated b…
• Blog – Queer River. A research project from Artist James Aldridge

Bodies of Water: Art, Environment, and Neurodivergence

Produced by UP Projects and the Liverpool Biennial, the Bodies of Water symposium in Liverpool explored the role of socially engaged public art in the context of our accelerating environmental crisis. My work documenting the local open-water swimming community has developed in ways I never expected, and people at this symposium had similar ideas, so I went along.

The main themes were:

1. Slow down and think ahead
2. Make mindful decisions
3. Amplify artists’ unique voices
4. Challenge worldviews
5. Localise the work

These raised questions I don’t yet have answers for. Because of health issues I’ve been forced to slow down and plan ahead, which has meant reduced income and anxiety about the future. Slowing down isn’t how you make money in this world, but it is how you make art. How do I make mindful decisions that move me forward without burning out?

Is forgetting time the moment you feel most yourself? Time still exists, but why do we need to measure it down to the minute, or even the second? If we remove our watch, do we step outside the man-made world and live more freely? As a recent Apple Watch upgrader—who bought one to help triage iPhone notifications—I wonder if I’d actually benefit from time away from it.

How do we become good ancestors? Water can transform the world in a flash, but also slowly, over centuries. How do we create work today that lasts, providing a foundation for future generations? Who funds that work? Does public artwork endure—can it? Maybe only the idea survives. But can ideas survive?

After a few panel discussions we joined a walking workshop with artist James Aldridge, creator of Queer Rivers, which explores “diverse experiences of rivers and other wetland environments, including those of people from the LGBT+ community.” We were given paper, a crayon, pencil and bottle, and asked to walk to the River Mersey thinking about how rivers connect us. I scribbled some notes, left the paper to soak in the rain, and photographed the journey. (Featured below)

I came away reflecting on how, as humans, we often lose our joy in water. As children we splash and dance in it, but as adults we mostly avoid it—except when it’s filled with sugar, alcohol, or caffeine. We try to control it, contain it, impose our will on it. Yet we are 60% water ourselves. Without water there is no life. Why do we grow to dislike it?

That’s one reason I love open-water swimming. We need places where adults can play, splash, and be silly in the water—even for five minutes. “What happens when this way of thinking is applied to the world?” That was the question James left us with at the start of the walk.

“A radical politics of neurodivergent conservation is also consistent with a radical politics of environmental conservation.

After all, it has been the same logics, the same system that has ravaged the biodiversity of the planet as has sought to eliminate the neurological diversity of humanity.”

– Robert Chapman, Empire of Normal

The walk reminded me how much humans seek to control what they don’t understand. Everywhere you look, there are tools and structures built to manipulate water. What does that say about the ways society manipulates and controls neuroqueer people? As I wandered, I noticed water breaking free, flowing to unintended places. My dad always said water finds its own level. We neuroqueer folk will too.

I learned a lot from the Bodies of Water symposium. The strangest question I left with was: Am I an artist? I’m driven more by curiosity than money—which is a problem. But if we’re thinking about how to live more in tune with nature, and how to create spaces for neuroqueer people to grow and thrive, then maybe the arts are where I belong. It’s where I can question, explore, and play. If I could only find a way to monetise it—and that slower, more mindful future will be quids in. But, I don't think I am an artist, simply someone with a camera, a keyboard and a space to publish thoughts. It has left me thinking, where am I going with this space? Has it found its level or am I still winding my way towards it?

Links

• Blog – Queer River. A research project from Artist James Aldridge
• Home - We Feed the UK. We are uncovering the future of regenerative farming, told through ground-breaking stories of restoration, revival, and community power.
• The Creative Freelancer's Climate Almanac - Julie's Bicycle. A companion for artists, independent creatives, community practitioners and producers, supporting them to make sustainable change. Filled with resources, templates, wellbeing practices, artist case studies, and book recommendations.
• Bodies of Water Symposium. On this board we share a selection of key references that have fed our thinking as we developed the symposium programme. This non-exhaustive list is a taster for the wealth of ground-breaking, awe-inspiring work that is being carried out across the country and internationally.
• Queer Ecologies | writercuratorartist.
• Art, Ecology and Autism – James Aldridge – Art, Ecology and Learning. In case it hasn’t become clear through my recent posts Neuroqueer and Shedding Skin on the Queer River site, and Masking on here, I’ve recently discovered that I’m Autistic.

iPhone Live Captions Reviewed: Does It Work in Noisy Places?

My hearing has worsened this year. Whenever I’m out with friends, I struggle to follow the conversation. It makes me reluctant to socialise, and when I do, I often feel disconnected — like I’m not really there, just a version of the person people expected to see. There’s little point in talking because I can’t process the response. To make it worse, my hearing is good enough to pick up background noise, so cafes and bars can feel overwhelming. Woo. Yay. 

While out recently, I wondered: have we reached a point where my phone could provide live subtitles for the conversation at my table? It turns out, yes — sort of. iOS has a feature called Live Captions, which adds subtitles for spoken audio and any app on your phone. There’s also Live Listen, which uses your phone as a remote microphone to provide captions, but that only works with certain hearing aids (not mine) and AirPods. Live Captions doesn’t require any special hearing device. 

How to Enable Live Captions on iPhone

• Go to Settings > Accessibility > Live Captions and turn it on.
• Tap Appearance to customise the text size and colour.
• By default, captions appear across all apps. To enable them only for certain apps, such as FaceTime or RTT, adjust this under In-App Live Captions.

Once enabled, you can choose whether to use the microphone or internal audio as the source. I tested it in a cafe using the microphone. 

Real-World Test: Does It Work?

Initially, I was impressed: as I spoke, my words appeared on screen. Unfortunately, when others spoke, their words followed mine without indicating who was talking. It produced one continuous stream of text. Punctuated, yes, but not helpful if you wanted a clear record of who said what. 

The second problem was that conversations from nearby tables bled into the captions, and because there was no colour coding or speaker identification, you couldn’t tell if the words came from your table or elsewhere. 

Lastly, in a busy cafe or bar, the captions were often inaccurate — to the point of being useless. For example: 

Oh, my gosh. It was the nice, floppiest, big, long, sixture off. Yeah. And they… just sort of, like, moults and chocolate. It was amazing. 

I think… that was about a chocolate pudding? For context: 

This is hardware we were staying in our hotel. And one night, we’d gone out, we’d had a meal, we didn’t feel, we didn’t fancy the puddings on the menu, possibly a bit fuller now. And we had a little bit of a small, lovely warm evening. And as we were walking back, we walked past that coolest place and there was no queue. I always looked at each other because we’d both until tail night. And we were like, Oh, my gosh. It was the nice, floppiest, big, long, sixture off. Yeah. And they… just sort of, like, moults and chocolate. It was amazing. 

This was my wife talking about a churros cafe near our hotel in Madrid. I know because I just about heard the conversation. If this transcript was all you had, it’s a mess — and in a way, a good representation of my hearing. 

Another example: 

That’s the one where you see the machine. an old knife popping it into the oil and they come out with a nice warm crack. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, that would be better. Yeah. So l won’t watch like, and what’s the brand that everyone likes? Fifty Queen? Yeah. I’ve all reads about them, but they’re just big… I don’ like 

Any guesses? We were talking about those seaside doughnut shops. 

Is Live Captions Worth It?

Maybe in a quiet space, with clear speaker distinction, this feature could be useful. A gallery, for instance — I often work in those on photography commissions — might be a better test. It could even help as a reference log while working. 

The real barrier, though, is internal: my own sense of “not being disabled enough” to justify using it. Live Captions could make day-to-day life easier, but I hesitate — because using it feels like an imposition, like I’d constantly need to explain myself. I have no issue wearing and talking about my hearing aids, but live transcribing conversations on my phone feels like a step further.

Links

• Inklusion. A kickass guide to making literature events accessible to disabled people.
• Blogs - Our Right To Thrive - Julie Farrell’s webinar on thriving from a creative neurodivergent perspective.. In her forthcoming webinar Julie Farrell will talk about the lived experience of disabling barriers from a creative, neurodivergent perspective.
• Notes on Managing ADHD. Strategies and tactics for staying productive.
• Laura Manach :bongoCat: (@cmconseils). A list of 12 ADHD-friendly tips for getting stuff done !
• A Rivery Mind / Thinking with Bridges. My work ‘out there’ (outside of my home and studio) now quietens for the Summer. I have some lovely one day events and CPD sessions I’m facilitating in August, but apart from that…
• TONAL - Rivers Beyond Sewage - Queerness, neurodiversity and beavers with artist James Aldridge.

Using ChatGPT as an autistic ADHD (AuDHD) person

As someone who is both autistic and has ADHD (AuDHD), I struggle with executive function — the mental process that turns intentions into action. Emails can sit unsent because the reply feels too complex to tackle. I once delayed filling in a single form for 18 months because I didn’t know how to approach it or where to get help. That changed when I started asking ChatGPT for assistance.

There are serious issues with tools like ChatGPT. The environmental cost is significant, and large language models are often trained on data taken without consent — I’ve even found references to my own work. Hallucinations are another problem: AI will sometimes make things up and present them as fact. I once challenged a response, and it admitted, “Oh, you’re right.” Always verify important information. Despite these flaws, for me, the tool has been transformative.

I use ChatGPT daily on the free plan because I can’t justify £20/month for Plus. It has helped with everything from removing a sycamore tree from my yard — avoiding hours of unhelpful YouTube content — to building WordPress plugins without months of trial and error. I’ve learned that speed matters more for me than perfection. It’s better to bring an idea to life quickly and move on than to hyperfixate on something unnecessary. Yay, autism.

As a freelance photographer, I’ve found a shortage of truly useful resources. There are endless YouTube channels full of rambling opinions and forums where people argue over nothing, but almost no straightforward business advice for editorial/commercial photographers — certainly not advice tailored to someone with autism or ADHD. With ChatGPT, I can draft a client email and have it polished in seconds, saving me days of overthinking.

I’ve also used it to process my photography projects. Was a recent series pure documentary, or was it more self-exploration? Is it self-indulgent to include myself in the story, or is that authentic? ChatGPT helped me untangle those thoughts. Would a conversation with another photographer help? Perhaps, but layers of social anxiety and imposter syndrome often make that impossible. ChatGPT gave me clarity without the emotional cost. The work isn’t yet a published book, but I now have the confidence to take it further.

One of the most powerful features is its memory. The more I use it, the more it remembers: my work style, my photography, my needs as an AuDHD person. I no longer start from scratch with every Google search, drowning in irrelevant results. Instead, I have a tool that feels like an actual assistant — for life and for work.

Looking ahead, I want to integrate my accounting, time tracking, and mileage systems into a business dashboard, something that shows meaningful stats and helps me manage my freelance life. I saw Federico Viticci use Claude AI to generate follow-up topics from his old posts and thought: I could do that too.

Ideally, I’d hire a real assistant, but I can’t afford one. Even on the free tier, ChatGPT is a useful accessibility tool — one that helps me function, stay organised, and move forward. There is a danger that instead of overthinking something, I now over-discuss it with ChatGPT, spending ages debating with AI because it does not know when to stop and always wants to keep chatting. You have to be aware of these issues when using it, and if you are, it is incredibly useful.

Links

• ChatGPT Prompts for Autistics: How to use generative AI to make your life easier. "AI" might as well stand for Accommodation Invention, tbh
• ChatGPT Told Him He Was a Genius. Then He Lost His Grip on Reality.. A man turned to ChatGPT to get him through the emotional turmoil. But, like so many before him, it caused him to lose his grip on reality.
• I asked ChatGPT to psychoanalyse me. I asked ChatGPT for insights about myself based on my blog posts, and the results were eye-opening and surprisingly accurate!
• The Messy Truth About Running a Business While Disabled (And Why I Use AI on all my posts). Listen now | On Spoons, AI, and Making Space for Disabled Creators in Late-Stage Capitalism
• How to Use ChatGPT: An Executive Function Tool for ADHD Brains. “ChatGPT can help us hash things out so that we feel more prepared, comfortable, and confident in communicating with others.” Learn how adults with ADHD are using artificial intelligence as an executive function tool and creative outlet.
• How to Use AI for ADHD: AI Prompts for Daily Life. Your AI personal assistant is here! Learn how artificial intelligence can streamline your finances, plan meals, customize workouts, and more.
• For Some Autistic People, ChatGPT Is a Lifeline | WIRED. The chatbot can help rehearse communication skills and for some provides a resource to turn to when life is tough.
• archive.is. Chatbot Conversations Never End. That’s a Problem for Autistic People.

Wirral Pride

Concerned about my Chronic Fatigue health issues, I planned to attend Pride for just a couple of hours. A few portraits, atmosphere photos and job done. I was there for 7 hours and walked around 5k on a street about 150m long. That means I did around 33 loops looking for photos. At no point did it feel like I was begrudingly pacing back and forth. Instead, I was moving between groups of friends who were also attending Pride. I would chat to one group for a bit, wander and ask people if I could take their photo and then hang out with another group for a bit.

The whole day was simply wonderful. A day where I can walk around in a sparkly sheer skirt and see friends, allies and the LGBTQ+ community smile. Shame it’s just a day but at least we have it. Pride is a protest. Queer joy is a protest. Simply defying those who would erase us by dancing joyously in the street is a damn protest. Let’s do it again next year.

A full set of photos from Wirral Pride can be found on my portfolio site.

Links

• My stand-up is very personal. I tell stories, I overshare. So talking about being autistic has become a central part of my act.. Bethany Black, autistic comedian, actor and writer
• ZWO Astronomy Photographer of the Year 2025 shortlist. Explore some of the stunning images shortlisted in the world’s biggest astrophotography competition
• Accessibility and the agentic web. Imagine being in a department store that sells clothes from multiple brands and having a personal shopping assistant to help you select the clothes you want to buy. As a blind person, that's about the only way it's possible to go clothes shopping, independently at least, but few stores offer such a service, so you resort to shopping online.
• “In the Absence of Light” by Niko Suvisto — a quiet storm - an online gallery. View our online exhibition of a photographic essay telling the story of photographer Niko Suvisto’s journey through very severe ME/CFS.
• Opinion | I’m a Therapist. ChatGPT Is Eerily Effective. - The New York Times. I was shocked to see ChatGPT echo the very tone I’d once cultivated.
• Staying relevant - Jeffrey Zeldman Presents.

Pride

For the 15th year, Liverpool has celebrated Pride. It nearly didn't happen this year, but thankfully, Sahir House were able to step in a make the event a success. Hopefully, people will be planning for 2026 soon to protect the march and make sure it goes ahead.

It was great to see the event was saved. Pride is needed. It is a protest and while it may appear to be a celebration, it's only because queer joy is a form of protest. Defiant joy against a world seeking to erase us. A shining example of this is Marsha P. Johnson, who played a key role in the Stonewall Uprising of 1969.

Johnson believed in the power of joy to fuel dreams and imagination, drawing on resources, community, and power as they grow. - Tourmaline

In joy lies your greatest clarity about how to navigate a big problem, how to offer a huge solution. In joy is a tremendous amount of power to support and show up for one another, and also to be fully alive. She knew she deserved to be fully alive at any given moment. And she lived in such defiance of the norms and forms. You can't separate that from her beauty. - Tourmaline

Pride needs to sweep through the city. The joy of being yourself needs to wind its way through the heart of a place. Here's to 2026, let's dream bigger.

A few photos from the day and a full set is on my photography portfolio site.

Links

• Me at work at Pride via Shutterstock
• Pulse-like rupture and curved slip - Analysis of Myanmar earthquake rupture. Kearse, J., Kaneko, Y. (2025) Curved fault slip captured by CCTV video during the 2025 Mw 7.7 Myanmar earthquake. The Seismic Record. https://doi.org/10.1785...
• 'How Doctor Who helped me discover and understand my LGBTQ+ identity'. Just Like Us ambassador Em Johnson shares how Doctor Who helped them come to terms with their gender identity.
• When the Icebergs Came to Town. A few weeks ago, a pair of icebergs drifted close to Innaarsuit, Greenland. Photographer Dennis Lehtonen captured the visit —
• Disabled Persons Railcard | Official Retailer | National Rail. Get a Railcard for disabled persons and save an average of £115 a year on train travel - Find Out More
• Deaf culture: what is it, history, aspects, examples & facts. The deaf culture is incredibly diverse and has Sign Languages as one of its key aspects. Learn more about what it is and its importance.

Game of Life - am I playing it right?

Is life a simulated video game? I don’t think so. I’m good at video games. They make sense and have a logical way to them that clicks with my brain. Tutorials get you started and teach you how to complete the game, because ultimately, the creators want you to progress through their creation. For actual life, though, there’s not much of that. Some at the start, but it’s a very basic overview that doesn’t take into account the character you are playing as, and often, aspects of that character aren’t fully understood until much later into the game. If Life were an actual game, I’d probably start over with a better understanding of how to play it rather than struggle on with a severely underpowered character. Real life does not have this feature, so we try our best to push on and progress through it.

Pushing on feels harder these days. There are so many issues to deal with to get out there and live, and none of them seem resolvable. Nothing I do seems to give me the confidence to level up and handle more, and the game keeps on going. Relentlessly, going. It’s like Tetris. At the start, it makes sense. You get a good few piece placements, a few rows disappear, and you feel good. As more pieces come down, you put some aside, thinking you’ll sort them later. More pieces come at you, and the screen starts filling up with pieces to sort. Eventually, a piece that makes all your problems go away will arrive, right? Right?! It’ll happen if I keep storing some on the side. The screen keeps filling up, hope fades, and eventually, your game is over. Some people do better, others do worse. That’s just how things are. Tetris is life. You get buried under a mountain of things to sort that you believe you’ll get to one day if only you had the right pieces.

Speaking of winning at games, my friends recently completed the Rustman challenge, the local version of the Ironman. This year, the 200km route, called ‘From sea to summit’, was to;

• Cycle from New Brighton to West Kirby
• Run/swim from West Kirby - Hilbre Island - Talacre
• Cycle from Talacre to Llyn Padarn
• Swim Llyn Padarn to Llanberis
• Walk from Llanberis to Snowdon summit

Any single one of those activities is a challenge, let alone all in one day. I recommend Kev’s 20-minute video on how he handled it, or Graham’s minute-long highlight reel. Epic.

I look at the challenges my friends in the outdoor community do, and I’m in awe. I would love to be doing something with my life, be that making a decent wage, having a decent career or being able to just bloody get on with living. But I’m struggling, endlessly struggling. Pieces keep falling from the sky, and I put them to one side, hoping to eventually deal with them, but I never do because more pieces fall from the sky.

My anxiety and overthinking hold me back from doing so much. I feel like I can never get it together to do anything like this, despite having trained and run a marathon. So I asked some of the people involved with the Rustman challenge about how they coped. They answered with “Believe” (Yes, Ted Lasso is a member) and strangely, one of them said, “You’re doing it, Pete.” Really? No. I’m doing it? Have you seen my bank balance? Have you seen all these Tetris pieces I’ve got to stack? I’m not... Am I?

There’s a 2,500-year-old Buddhist idea, the First Noble Truth. “Life is suffering.” That doesn’t mean life is always awful, painful, and we should quit. It means that life isn’t perfect or even ideal. It just is, and if we can accept that, maybe we can accept the everyday flaws in our lives and move past them. We live when we accept this about life, and I struggle to accept this.

I struggle to believe I am “doing it”, because surely life would be perfect if I were “doing it”. However, if life is never perfect and always contains suffering, then maybe I am indeed “doing it”. My issue is confidence, self-belief, and acceptance that my life isn’t someone else’s, nor is it perfect, but it is, in fact, my life and I am doing it. While the people I admire were able to do things I can’t, they didn’t wear a skirt to the lake the next day in an attempt to challenge gender norms. I did. How? I believed I could, so I did. They saw me doing it, living.

My biggest issue is not that I have Tetris pieces falling on top of me, and that I feel like I’m rubbish at Tetris, aka life, but that I’m unable to see that we all struggle with playing the game in our way. In the entire 35 years of Tetris, only one person has completed it. Everyone fails at Tetris. Everyone is eventually overwhelmed by it. Everyone suffers. Yet every time I try, I feel like I’m bad at it because I fail and compare myself to others. What if, instead, I merely enjoyed playing a game of Tetris for a few minutes? What if I accepted that the game will beat me and that it will be a struggle to progress, but fun in its own way? What if I could accept that I am doing it, and that believing that is enough to keep playing?

Links

• Paradise Unseen (exploratory phase) – Karren Visser. Join PARADISE UNSEEN photo callout and let’s make AI images more inclusive.
• First-Ever Video of Earthquake Ground Shift Continues to Astonish Scientists | PetaPixel. Major fault lines are thought to slide straight...
• 'How Doctor Who helped me discover and understand my LGBTQ+ identity'. Just Like Us ambassador Em Johnson shares how Doctor Who helped them come to terms with their gender identity.
• When the Icebergs Came to Town. A few weeks ago, a pair of icebergs drifted close to Innaarsuit, Greenland. Photographer Dennis Lehtonen captured the visit.
• An Autistic Girl’s Guide to Summer Holidays. It’s the middle of July, which means lots of people are heading off on summer holidays. For autistic people, holidays can be difficult for various reasons, for example due to… changes in routine...
• Apps ADHD and Autism. 44 apps for ADHD and Autistic folk.

I am deaf

Recently, I went to an exhibition of photography by a D/deaf camera club. The information panel at the door explained what it meant to be Deaf, deaf, or hard of hearing. After reading it, I was surprised to learn that I am deaf. While I’ve had hearing aids for nearly 18 months, at no point did anyone, not Specsavers or the NHS, tell me that I was deaf. Could I have done anything useful with that information? Do I feel like I’ve lost 18 months of being deaf? No, and maybe it is best for me to one day let go of labels, but for now, it is interesting to learn that I am part of another interesting community I never expected to be. I label myself as autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, non-binary, trans, queer, nerd, geek, broken/not-broken, wild swimmer, occasionally naked beach wanderer, photographer, writer, enby previously identifying as male, all to feel part of communities. So, add deaf to that jumble.

The exhibition launch was interesting. After the speeches, there was a 10-minute period of silence. Communication was only possible through non-verbal means. The aim of the 10-minute silence, I imagine, as I ironically couldn’t hear the instructions, was to flip the world. Deaf was normal and speech was the minority. All those who relied on speech got to experience what it must be like to walk a few steps in someone else’s shoes. Now all the D/deaf people who could sign/lip read were happily chatting away, and the people who relied on speech were stuck. I could only manage signing “Close your rings” and “Thank you” due to Apple Fitness. Not very useful, but it shows the power of putting these ideas in front of people who never feel the need to engage with them.

All that said, my experience was a little different. If the intention was to create a space where people who could speak felt uncomfortable and people who could sign felt empowered, I felt... calm. Attending exhibition launches is often stressful for me as an autistic person with social anxiety. There are always people there I sort of know, and my social anxiety makes me question whether I should talk to them or not. “How well do I know them?” “Do they remember me?” “What have we previously talked about?” “What was their name again?” “Do I compliment them on their outfit, or is that too personal?” “Do we shake hands? Oh no! My hands are moist as it’s humid. Is fist bumping OK?” I worry, and so I avoid people. For me to be around people, I need to continually practice being around them, or I forget how to be around someone. Sounds absurd, but that’s just how life is. Constant practice at being me.

There are also autistic sensory issues. The visual issue of being overwhelmed by lots of people moving, seeing someone you know, an interesting camera, or a curious photo. All those people generally make the space uncomfortably warmer, another sensory issue. Would it be easier if we were all naked? It would resolve the issue of squeezing past someone for sure. Lastly, and most importantly, exhibition launches filled with people are noisy. I hear everything and struggle to isolate one close voice in all the noise. My social anxiety prevents me from saying, “I’m sorry, I have hearing issues and can’t talk here.” Instead, I nod in what I hope are the right places and muddle through. These events are important for my job, but complex and stressful for me.

At this exhibition launch, no one could talk. The room was calm and quiet. I loved it. When I met someone I knew, I typed messages on my phone to them. During Lockdown, some galleries started up Discord servers and tried to keep the art conversation going through text-based chat rooms. It was interesting to be able to talk to people I never could due to the social anxiety I face in meatspace. Unfortunately, as the real world opened up, this accessibility tool faded away, and I once again had to face my social anxiety to engage with people. Similarly, at this exhibition, once the 10-minute silent period was up and conversation returned, I had to deal with hearing issues, sensory issues and social anxiety issues. It was overwhelming, and I felt trapped between worlds.

Nearly 15 years ago, I did a photography project discussing social anxiety at events like this, and while it may seem like I disappear into my phone, what I’m doing is using it as an accessibility tool. I’m connecting with the event through online hashtags rather than real-world chat. That was 15 years ago. The Lockdown Discord was 5 years ago. I was making accessible websites 20 years ago, and writing silly poems about social anxiety and chat rooms nearly 30 years ago. Technology moves quickly, but accessibility and acceptance seem to move slowly. After 30 years of using online tools to reduce my social anxiety, why aren’t they commonplace? Why can’t we attend an event like this and have a local chat room set up for those in attendance? A space to talk and pose questions, where the speeches could be live transcribed for all to follow. Maybe one day.

If the intention of this silent period at the exhibition launch was to create a space to empathise with D/deaf people, great. People don’t know till they experience, and I hope some people came away from it with a memory of living in a world not set up for their needs. For me, while calm in the silent part, I did not feel part of that world, and while anxious in the noisy part, I also did not feel part of that world. Would the ideal setup for me be communicating through sign while wearing noise-cancelling headphones? Maybe, but how many people know sign? I don't. For now, I need to learn to accept myself and not feel socially anxious when I struggle to process sound because I'm deaf, not that I'm labelling myself.

The exhibition "I'll Tell You Later: BSL Happy Snappers and Emma Case" is on at the Williamson Art Gallery in Birkenhead, Merseyside until 25th October, 2025.

Links

• Disabled Persons Railcard | Official Retailer | National Rail. Get a Railcard for disabled persons and save an average of £115 a year on train travel - Find Out More
• Deaf culture: what is it, history, aspects, examples & facts. The deaf culture is incredibly diverse and has Sign Languages as one of its key aspects. Learn more about what it is and its importance.
• Deafness and hearing loss - Sense. This page answers some common questions about deafness and hearing loss. Find our more about causes and types of hearing loss.
• Hearing loss - RNID. The different types of hearing loss, how to get your hearing tested, and what can help you hear better and overcome communication challenges.
• Communication tips if you have hearing loss - RNID. Our research shows many people aren’t confident in communicating with people who have hearing loss, or British Sign Language (BSL) users. If you have hearing loss, you may find these tips helpful when sharing your communication needs with others.     These three simple steps can help you to get started:   1. Get my attention […]
• What Are Big D and Little D? | Deafax. Some deaf people may align themselves into two ‘categories’ - either Deaf with a capital D or being deaf with a little d. While these terms don’t begin to express the full spectrum of attitudes and conformities, they can help us to understand how identity differs in deaf culture.

Anxiety and naturism

Previously on this very newsletter;

Could I test my brain by going to that beach and seeing how my brain handles walking around naked? A wild idea that, realistically, I’ll probably never be brave enough to try, but I feel less anxious thinking about that than I do swimming with jellyfish.

It’s a hot sunny day in North Wales, and I’m standing by a sign that says “Nudity permitted”. Dare I? Can I? There are people here. It’s not like skinny dipping alone in a lake in North Wales. Everyone will see. At any minute all my clients could walk past and gasp. Despite my brain defaulting to “You can’t”, I indeed do.

I am now completely naked, nude, bits to the wind starkers on a beach. No one screams. The official naturist area, which is official only to prevent the Mrs Lovejoys of the world from screaming “Think of the children!”, is about a mile long. I say official because officially, you can be naked anywhere in the UK as long as it isn’t to provoke outrage. If someone is outraged, then you can be arrested. A wild notion. If others are outraged by someone peacefully being themselves, then that person can be charged. I would have an epic criminal record if that applied to my skirt-wearing. Thankfully, it doesn’t, yet... So the “official” zone is only there to tell others to calm down. It’s a tiny mile-wide zone of try acceptance rather than outrage. I am naked in it. Everyone can see my tiny zone.

A mile walk, on the sand, takes about 25-30 minutes, and so I wander. The beach is a mix of clothed and unclothed people. I make it a point to walk a socially acceptable distance past people to tell my brain that it’s OK. Amazingly, it is. Nothing is said. No reactions. Everyone is calm. No one sneaks a photo of me or does a side eye as I walk past. To be doing something so shocking, in my mind, and have no reaction is surreal. If I wear a skirt and go outside, people will rubberneck, side eye, stare and take photos of me. But not here, where the sun is both toasting my buns and burning my Welsh rare bit. Wild.

Is this heaven? Have I found a pocket utopia inside this absurd world we live in? No. While seemingly a safe space, it might feel safe only because my male privilege is showing. It might feel different if I were a woman. I can’t judge genders from bodies only, but would guess there are roughly 80% male and 20% female people here. That must be an intimidating space to walk around naked in. I find it a little odd.

I reach the end of the naturist zone and decide to take some self-portraits. While doing so, a man comes over and strikes up a conversation. As I’m chatting, I realise I’m not anxious. I should be because we’re both completely naked, and yet I’m not. I’m not worried about whether my shirt has sweat patches from being anxious, nor am I worried about whether my bum looks fat in my pants. I’m just there, chatting.

Now I’m OK at chatting to strangers for a short time. It’s when they become someone I know that the social anxiety kicks in. What was their name? What context do I know them in? What did we talk about last time I saw them? Knowing people is hard work. Over the years, I’ve learnt it’s better to be 100% me all the time to everyone than to be this version of me for some and another for others. But it’s still a challenge to know people. While chatting to this stranger on the beach isn’t chatting to someone I sort of know, we are naked, and so I should be anxious. It’s fascinating that I’m not.

If you remove the worry about how I look in clothes, about how I appear to others, then my anxiety drops. The social rules are clear here. There’s no unwritten rule on what you can or cannot wear. No performative clothing trends on display. No worries about whether I can wear something or not. It’s just people.

The environment helps too. It’s a beautiful beach. Warm with the sound of waves lapping at my feet. I’m not subjected to the same sensory overloads of the human world. It’s not busy here. My mind isn’t busy. I’m not in the way, taking up space or having to try and calculate the possible actions of everyone around me so I can plan for it. I’m calm because the world is calm. Why can’t my world always be calm? Maybe I would be calmer?

All in all, I spend around 3 hours naked at the naturist beach. I’m naked for anyone to see and strangely calm. My Garmin says my stress level is the lowest of the trip. I find this easier than trying to make breakfast amongst people I see once a year in an unfamiliar holiday home. My autistic brain makes times like that so complex. “Where is everything? Oh crap, I have to ask someone for something. Social awkwardness. Is this shared food? How much is shared? What do I wear to breakfast?!” So many questions. None when I’m naked on the beach.

The experience leaves me wondering, what now? How is this useful information? I can’t work this way on jobs. “Is there parking, a beach and nudity?” I would assume that in a work context, I would still feel stressed. The beach is too far away for it to be useful as a calming space that I can nip to when stressed. What use is this knowledge? I am comfortable naked around others, knowing that it is a judgment-free space. Just as I am in queer spaces, or sci-fi conventions in cosplay or going outside before the world has woken up. It’s almost like 90% of the world is not for me and is actively harmful to me, and I need to dart between safe spaces to maintain good mental health and be productive. Except that’s impossible, so I need to work on managing my daily anxiety and autistic sensory issues to function better in these complex spaces. Maybe my anxiety is stopping me from living because I’m always worried about being judged? Is that victim shaming? Or maybe it means nothing more than I enjoy naked walks on a quiet beach.

Whatever this is, the experience was the opposite to swimming with harmless jellyfish 2 years ago. I was on the verge of panic attacks and could only paddle about at the edge of the lake in case I needed to get out. Yet here I am wandering around naked on a beach with absolutely no anxiety. Huh.

Links

• Barbara Hulme is looking for some more fabulous disabled people. I'm a disabled artist and am looking for disabled people, with chronic health conditions and/or mental ill health, neurodiversity, to work with me on my ongoing art projects. My aim is to empower disabled people by painting sympathetic portraits of us mainly in watercolour.
• Helen talks to Louise Butcher — Women in Focus. Louise Butcher, the "Topless Runner", shares her powerful story of battling health anxiety and overcoming lobular breast cancer. Discover how Louise's determination led her to advocate for a double mastectomy without reconstruction, challenging societal norms and fighting the stigma surrounding breastless bodies.
• "There's No Separating My View of My Body from My Autism": A qualitative study of positive body image in autistic individuals - PubMed. While scholars have investigated positive body image across diverse populations, extant theory largely excludes those with differing socio-cognitive experiences, such as autistic individuals.
• Benign masochism of naked swimming brings us closer together.
• Overcoming Social Anxiety Through Naturism. Social anxiety, that insidious feeling of dread and unease in social situations, plagues countless individuals. It whispers doubts, fuels self-consciousnes...
• The naked truth – research finds nudism makes us happier. Taking part in naturist activities can help make us significantly more satisfied with our bodies and lives, new research from Goldsmiths, University of London has found.

Am I brave?

4 years ago, I wrote a piece on being brave and swimming naked in a cold Welsh lake, which was inspired by a video I saw 8 years ago about a woman swimming naked in the lakes of Wales. That video did not inspire me to run naked into cold water, but the idea of being able to live your life struck a chord with me.

I have spent 4 years (I guess 43 years really) learning, trying, tip-toeing, exploring, fighting, hating myself, and being the best version of myself to affect change. Amazingly, it worked?

Am I bold, brave and courageous? No. Maybe? No. I’m just me. Imposter syndrome, or maybe an attempt to be humble and not egotistical? A bit of both, probably and yet I’m doing things others don’t. A marathon. Swimming with ice floats. Wearing lipstick. Wearing my clothes bought from the women’s section of a store outside in public for all to see. Wearing my bold colourful tights and skirt outdoors for all to see, with bold purple lipstick on and a purple beard. Wearing those things, then taking them off to get into a lake naked. Ok, there’s a slim chance I’m a little bold, brave and courageous these days.

4 years later, am I being the best version of myself, or am I still that same person overthinking, being anxious, and hoping that one day I will be able to live?

It's the evening before the summer solstice, and I'm paddling in the waters of Barmouth Bay with my wife and friend. It took a few goes to get into the water because I saw a few jellyfish floating around. The sea is their home, and they have every right to attack me for being in it. Naturally, I am afraid of being stung, so I give them the space they deserve and stay out of the water. My wife and friend insist it’ll be fine, and I bravely make it over to them.

We chat, and the conversation drifts to body positivity and confidence. What is confidence, I ponder. Is it being yourself amongst strangers, being part of a crowd of like-minded people or being yourself with your friends by taking a risk and opening up to them? Is it chatting about confidence while surrounded by jellyfish?

The reason I'm pondering confidence is that I want to do a summer solstice skinny swim. I don’t want to get naked in the water, I want to throw my towel robe high and fearlessly run in. As it would be at 4:30 am, the only people on the beach would be my friends and I, but as they would be there, I felt it was only polite to ask their permission first. Would they be OK with me getting naked on the beach and running into the water? Interestingly, would I?

Oddly, the summer solstice has become a time of year when I do something I never thought I could. One year, we climbed Eryri at 1 am to see the sunrise. I was incredibly anxious about the climb in the dark, but enjoyed it. Another year, we went to a Druid solstice ceremony. I enjoy our adventures in Wales. They're a combination of incredible views, fear facing and nudging myself towards being a person who can live their life. But getting naked in front of friends? At the age of nearly 47, which is nearly 50, it isn't something I recall ever doing. No wild nights out as a teenager, as I had the internet to explore in the 90s. It was way more interesting to me. Maybe I should have spent that time living? Would I be less afraid at 46?

As I continue to ponder all this, my wife tells me that our friend knows I went for a naked walk along a naturist beach while they were on a long hike. She is telling me this because I hid it. After all, I was afraid of what people might think if they knew I happily spent over 3 hours there completely naked on the beach for all to see. What would people think if they knew I enjoyed a calming experience of rest and stunning mountain views in a quiet part of the world... whilst naked amongst strangers? My Garmin stress levels were lower than when on the first day of our holiday, when I had socialised with friends I don’t see often. Amazingly, sitting naked on the beach was probably the calmest time of the trip. I was doing something I never thought I could do, facing my fears and finding serenity in this wild world. But I couldn’t tell anyone this, could I? People would see me as weird, not brave, so I can’t tell anyone.

Thankfully, our friend did understand and thought I was quite brave. It’s not something she would have done, which was funny because I was admiring her bravery to swim with the jellyfish we both feared. Brains eh? Weird little things. Why was it easier to walk naked on a beach than to tell friends? Why find the strength inside yourself to be brave, to be bold, to be courageous and then be too scared to tell anyone? It’s silly. Oh, so silly. Knowing that she was OK with it, I mentioned how I wanted to skinny dip on the solstice, and she said I should go for it. I checked with our other friend who was attending, and she was also fine with it.

At 4:45 am, as the sun came up behind the hills of Barmouth and my friends waded into the water, I threw my towel hoodie off and ran into the sea naked. I never run in, even when wearing briefs. I’m cautious. Sensible. Not today. Today I was myself for all to see. Today I was brave, bold and courageous.

Which leaves me wondering about whether I am now a brave person able to live? I thought I was 4 years ago when I swam naked in a lake, but this event made me realise that there is still a big part of my being that will overthink something and give me reason to worry. It holds me back from being me or exploring who I can be. Which is absurd when I wear skirts outside and face that fear every single day. At what point does your brain have the confidence to let you live? Do I need to try fire walking? Naked fire walking? Skydiving? Naked skydiving? Should I do naked TED Talks? Is it even possible to relax and not overthink everything as an autistic person, or is this who I am? Maybe I am brave, but I will never believe I am until Davina McCall shows me my best bits on my deathbed. Only then can I truly accept that I was brave.

Until that happens, here is actuall evidence of me being brave. It was quite a solstice. Interestingly, research has been done that suggests my act of bravey is good for you.

Enduring discomfort together may bring people closer, especially when it's mixed with a bit of joy, according to a study involving mass mid-winter river swims.

So, if you're feeling brave will I see you in September when I'll be running into the North Sea on my birthday weekend in my birthday suit as part of the North East Skinny Dip?

Links

• Pleasure and pain: what nude sunrise swims in winter tell us about social connection - UQ News - The University of Queensland, Australia. Enduring discomfort together may bring people closer, especially when it’s mixed with a bit of joy, according to a study involving mass mid-winter river swims.
• Autistic artist battles the creative block of social stigma. Eli Kurs-Lasky, an autistic artist, reflects on the tension of seeking self-expression when social attitudes toward autism make visibility feel dangerous.
• I Wish You All The Best: Lionsgate unveils trailer for non-binary coming-of-age film. The first trailer for Tommy Dorfman's directorial debut I Wish You All The Best has finally arrived!
• Largest ever Pride march in Budapest occurs after Hungary’s ban. Tens of thousands of people protest Pride ban in Budapest
• Newsletter #185 - Faith No More's "Midlife Crisis" and the Observers Paradox. You're perfect, yes, it's true. But without me, you're only you.
• Where Are The Disabled Photographers? Education Edition - YouTube. Education Edition hybrid event at Stills on Saturday 22nd February 2025.
• Want to use your phone less? Try Forest. “Whenever you want.... Want to use your phone less? Try Forest. “Whenever you want to stay focused, plant a [virtual] tree.

Not all heros wear capes, some wear kilts

At the end of Ncuti Gatwa’s run as The Doctor, he stared in an episode set inside a fantasy dreamt up by a white man. Trans people did not exist, and disabled people were relegated to living down dark, disused alleys. At one point in the episode, The Doctor slowly walked down a flight of stairs, breaking free from the fantasy prison that had been crafted to keep humanity subdued. As they reached the bottom, they dropped their coat and clicked their fingers. In an instant, they transformed, removing the ideas of the white male patriarchy and replacing them with individuality and self-expression. The Time Lord, an alien from a distant planet called Gallifrey, stood there wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt, a pinstripe waistcoat, denim jeans, a pinstripe kilt and shone.

I loved it. Loved it! To see a male-bodied person standing on prime time television, looking like me, in a skirt/kilt just before they saved the world was fantastic. While the kilt flowed like a skirt, it was a kilt due to Ncuti’s Scottish heritage. It also allowed them to push gender without toppling it over on top of the patriarchy, causing them to cry. It was a joy to see the kilt flowing as The Doctor ran around. The kilt conveyed the energy of The Doctor in a way that trousers simply can’t. You get it from David Tennant’s, Jodie Whittaker’s or Peter Capaldi’s long jacket, but not from Christopher Eccleston’s short leather coat. It echoed The Doctor’s personality, and one of the things I love about skirts. They’re fun.

Not everyone agreed, though. Shocking, I know. I found a thread on Reddit where someone posted about how they loved seeing The Doctor in a skirt, and people took issue. Almost every reply is someone saying, “It’s a kilt.” I understand that it is a cultural item of clothing, but it seems that people have an issue with the idea of it being considered a skirt. Call it a kilt, an item of clothing worn by a man showing admiration for his heritage and all is good. Call it a skirt, and men get scared about what The Doctor might be trying to say.

What is a skirt-wearing alien in a man’s body trying to say? Skirts are OK? Men can wear them without fear and look good? Your idea of what masculinity looks like is completely wrong, and this man in a skirt is going to burn it all down? I can’t say, but the image feels like a Rorschach test. Everyone sees something different in the skirt/kilt... skilt? I see someone like me, shining bravely and letting others know it’s OK to be themselves. Others see the end of their reality, and it scares them.

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate.. to suffering"

The reaction online to someone suggesting that The Doctor, a made-up fictional alien being from another planet with an entirely alien culture, could look good in a skirt is absurd but real. Made even more real for me when I’m out in a skirt. I see these online comments in people’s expressions as I walk around in a skirt. Only recently has it occurred to me that I am communicating something to them, and I have no real control over what it is.

But if there is anything to learn from this, it is to cast off what others think you should look like and shine. Only then can you live your life rather than echo others. To quote The Doctor in the episode “Lux”;

“I've toppled worlds, sometimes I wait for people to topple theirs. Until then, I live in it, and I shine.”

Links

• 'Doctor Who': Ncuti Gatwa's Look Inspired by Men in Skirts, '70s NYC. 'Doctor Who' costume designer Pam Downe breaks down Ncuti Gatwa's look as the 15th Doctor, from kilts to Regency-era garb.
• This Invisible illness (about ME/CFS, like Long Covid). Welcome to 'This Invisible Illness', my first long-form project about living with ME/CFS, aka ME, a complex and challenging chronic health condition, developed from a viral infection (in my case) - like Long Covid.
• You Can Now Buy Nan Goldin Prints That Raise Funds for Trans Organizations. Proceeds will be donated to the Sylvia Rivera Law Project, Leslie-Lohman Museum of Art, and the Trans Income Project.
• Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish. Marking the 20th anniversary of Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford commencement speech with a digitally enhanced version of the video as well as a behind-the-scenes look at how it came to be: from firsthand accounts from people who were connected to the commencement to Steve’s personal drafts.
• Land of the Morees is Jude Lartey’s reflection on “the timeless connection between humans and the sea”. Documenting a small town on the southern coast of Ghana, the photographer has captured breathtaking images of the vibrant coastal community.
• New ‘F1’ Trailer makes Movies More Accessible. Apple’s Greg Joswiak took to X earlier today to post about the new trailer Apple released for its upcoming Apple TV+ film F1 . The executive, the company’s senior vice president of worldwide marketing, describes what Apple calls a “haptic trailer” as “the coolest trailer ever”...
• Pave Your Way With Chronic Illness - my new book! - Life of Pippa. Pave Your Way With Chronic Illness is a journal designed to help you reconnect with your identity while managing a life-altering condition.

Apple Watch and ADHD

I’m currently recovering from a migraine so this weeks newsletter is a collection of tips for using the Apple Watch if you’re Autistic or have ADHD. As I’ve been wearing an Apple Watch for 10 years, I feel like I need to reset it and start fresh. Could it be setup in a new way to help me be productive? I’ll share my findings next time, but for now here’s my research.

Complications and apps suggestions via Reddit

• Calendar - I can click it to open the app and see/edit my whole calendar
• Reminders or another to-do list app. Being able to say "Siri, remind me..." helps with the total lack of working memory. Can be setup to do shopping lists.
• TimeGlance - HIGHLY recommend this app - it adds a complication that is just the current digital time; you can do 24H, add AM/PM, etc. & you can customize the color of the time itself & the optional progress bar underneath
• Weather / Temperature - daily low/high + current temp, plus I can click
• Next Alarm - I can click it to open the app and adjust my morning alarm
• Timer - when I set a timer, or multiple timers, it shows the minutes+seconds countdown to the most-nearly-done timer. Plus, if you set it using siri and tell it what to call the timer, the timer app will show you what each timer's for.
• WaterLlama - to stay hydrated
• AnyList -- amazing all-around app for lists, especially for totally integrated grocery list and meal planning and recipes, I use it every single day; it also works very well with Alexa, just say "Alexa, ask Anylist to add _____ to [name of list]" - siri will also cooperate but I think you have to say "Siri, in the AnyList app, add ____ to [name of list]"
• Countdown - lets you set lots of countdowns with correlating emojis & set complications on the watch face AND on the stack for whichever events you want. well-designed and cute. also has cute widgets on the iPhone
• Tiimo
• Structured
• AutoSleep (for the gamification and includes the Smart Alarm option).

Watch Faces

• One face with a bunch of complications -- the date, time, weather, my next calendar event, a timer shortcut, my rings, the workout shortcut, and the sunset time.
• A plain face with no complications that I swipe over to when I feel like the watch itself is distracting me.
• You can use different watch faces depending on what you're doing and have different setups. You can set these up to do automatically. For example, you can make certain focus modes or Apple shortcuts. When I arrive at my grocery store, my watch automatically changes to the face that has my grocery shopping app, so I can easily mark items off. I also use this for working out in the mornings. I have my exercise ones to track it and to help me do the sets or routine etc.

User tips

• Hourly Chimes: Activate the subtle haptic buzz every hour or on a custom interval to increase awareness of time passing.
• I want the watch to be a seamless tool, not another distraction.
• The "swipe up to make your phone make a noise" feature. I use this, no exaggeration, at least 5 times a day.
• The gamification of the Activity rings -- it really does help when I'm hyperfocusing to make me take a walk and shows visually that a little bit adds up. Movement is really crucial to improving my ADHD symptoms and my watch absolutely has made me make long-term changes around daily activity. (I wish Apple weren't so week-dependent in its streaks; it's easy to say, well, not going to have a perfect week this week since I missed my goal Monday, and just let it slide.)

Notifications

• Be selective about your notifications. Ask yourself if you really need the digital equivalent of someone tapping you on the shoulder to tell you something RIGHT THEN. I do messages (no group texts), breaking news alerts from one news organization (need them for work), Slack (ditto), phone calls, and calendar events.

Productivity

• I time block my day, so I'll often have my BusyCal app show the upcoming event. I put a lot of different types of events on my calendar. I have to with ADHD. For example, my husband wanting to review the taxes with me? We put that on the calendar. I can't do that spontaneously. Or maybe when you want to tackle a deep clean. I put that time block on my calendar and see when it's coming up that day.
• You can have your checklist or task manager. I can just check off that it's completed. I have some habit trackers or goal trackers that have literal timers for different misc tasks and mini goals. I'd say this is one of my favs. Like I just finished a goal where for 10 min a day I'd flip through ALL of my paperback cookbooks (that I hardly used lol) and would put a tab on the maybe ones and then I'd pass the book to my husband and he'd review the tabs and lemme know which sounded good and (most importantly!) which he'd be willing to cook. Another mini goal was digitizing my physical photos.
• Being able to put my phone away. This has faded as I've worn it longer, but for awhile, the peace of mind that I would not miss something important made it much easier for me to spend less time on my phone and be more present in the moment. Not sure if this is an ADHD thing or just a human thing.
• Using an analog face instead of digital. I read somewhere that for people w/ time blindness it's helpful to be able to "see" how long you have before, say, 1 pm, and I've found that to be the case.
• It's so tempting to set everything up just so, but cosplaying at being organized -- installing apps, fiddling with your watch faces, making to-do lists -- is not the same as actually getting things done.

Sources

• Apple Watch for ADHD, Reviewed for 2022 - The ADHD Lifestyle. An Apple Watch for ADHD is an immensely useful tool for managing many of the difficulties created by ADHD. It creates immediate advantages, such as visual...
• People Are Using Their Apple Watch as a Tool for Managing ADHD - thinglabs. The Apple Watch can help manage ADHD symptoms with its features like alarms, reminders, and timers. These features can assist with maintaining focus...
• Apple watch has changed my ADHD brain and life : r/AppleWatch.
• Apple watch is a lifesaver for my ADHD : r/AppleWatch.
• How do you use your Apple Watch for daily productivity? : r/AppleWatch.
• I’ve been using my Apple Watch to manage my ADHD — here’s what’s been working for me (plus time management tips that could help almost anyone) | iMore.

Links

• Spaced Out & Smiling.
• Autism, Executive Functioning Skills and Apple Watch — Craig Smith. This week celebrates  Global Accessibility Awareness Day  on Thursday 21st May, and provides a valuable opportunity to consider where we are in terms of the utilisation of technology and the inclusive modes by which all varieties of users access this technology.
• Cory Doctorow on how we lost the internet. Cory Doctorow wears many hats: digital activist, science-fiction author, journalist, and more. [...]
• Proof that Patrick Stewart exists in the Star Trek universe. And other insane Star Trek facts you didn’t know

Could I stop wearing my Apple Watch?

For the past couple of months, I’ve been wearing a Garmin Vivosmart 5 on my right wrist and my Apple Watch Series 7 on my left wrist. The main reason is that I wanted to utilise Garmin’s Body Battery feature to help monitor my energy levels throughout the day. This is something that I feel the Apple Watch could/should offer, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. My Apple Watch battery is now at the point where it needs multiple charges throughout the day, and I’m left wondering whether to replace it.

By all accounts, Garmin watches are great fitness/activity trackers and OK smartwatches. Apple is the opposite. After wearing one for 10 years, I have to agree. It’s been a great smartwatch and has done the basics on fitness. Sure, it tracks a lot, but rarely does anything with that data outside of telling you when charts go up or down. In the time I’ve had the Garmin, I’ve seen the stress a big meal can place on my body, and I’m experimenting with healthier evenings to produce more restorative sleep. The Garmin, being focused on health first and foremost, is making me think more about health than being connected to the Apple ecosystem.

The question I find myself asking... erm myself... is what is more important to me today? Fitness or Smart Watch? Getting healthy or being always connected to the Apple ecosystem? I can’t quite answer that. Am I so dependent on it that I can’t give it up even when it might improve my health? Do I need a screen or a watch? Is my life so chaotic that I need a triage unit on my wrist? Would life fall apart without it? Honestly, life feels so fragile and hard right now that I can’t risk breaking it any further. Maybe that’s exactly why I need to prioritise health over Apple.

Or maybe I just want another distraction. Yay ADHD.

To figure this all out, I left my Apple Watch on the charger and wore the Garmin for a day. At times, I was content with not being part of the Apple ecosystem, only to be annoyed when the watch wasn’t there when I needed it. The Garmin gave me enough notifications to be useful, but due to Apple’s restrictions, I could not do anything with them. It led me to realise that I do need an arm based triage unit, which is just what the Apple Watch is... because it has an ARM CPU... This device is a way for me to leave my iPhone alone. I can deal with notifications, music playing, weather checks and various other things without being sucked into all ADHD distraction toys I have on my phone. For me, essential.

This experiment led me to realise that I would deeply love to have something monitor my energy levels and tell me when I need to slow down, and when it’s safe to push myself with swimming/cycling/running/walking. A smart, really smart watch would be incredibly useful. “You didn’t have a good night’s sleep because you didn’t drink enough water... or ate late... or due to the humidity...” That would be really useful information rather than “Your numbers changed. Think about it.” Whatever that device is, it would also need to integrate into the Apple ecosystem to let me tiptoe into that world without waking my ADHD monster. There’s a possible future where Apple open up access to the iPhone, allowing 3rd party watches to do more, and maybe that’s when I’ll get a full Garmin. For now, an Apple Watch for helping me be productive and a basic Garmin for helping with pacing throughout the day. That’ll do, until someone makes a smart ankle braclet.

Links

• A Longevity Expert's 5 Tips for Aging Well - The New York Times.
• How AI Makes Coding More Accessible. Popular tech YouTuber Quinn Nelson of Snazzy Labs fame posted this on X recently:
• Topless trans protest outside Scottish Parliament a 'public act of grief, resistance and solidarity'. Trans women staged a topless protest outside of the Scottish parliament to condemn the UK Supreme Court's ruling on the definition of 'sex'.
• Hands-On with Sound Therapy on Apple Music. I’ve always been envious of people who can listen to music while they work. For whatever reason, music-listening activates a part of my brain that pulls me away from the task at hand. My mind really wants to focus on the lyrics, the style, the mix – all distractions from whatever it is I’m currently...
• For what I’m worth.. Like many disabled people in Britain right now, my world took a drastic downward turn with the announcement of welfare 'reforms' back in March. It is hard enough being disabled in the UK, what with the terrible transport system, collapsing infrastructure, unconscious bias and endemic ablism but when the, already…
• My Brain Finally Broke | The New Yorker. Much of what we see now is fake, and the reality we face is full of horrors. More and more of the world is slipping beyond my comprehension.

Why don’t I miss things?

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I’m going to go out for a morning walk instead of doomscroll on my phone. I did, for a day or two and then forgot. It was as if the event never occurred, as if I had never written an article about it or set up my phone to remind me of such things. Gone and never happened. This isn’t the first time either. I wrote about this phenomenon (do-doo-be-d’do) in 2021. Why don’t I miss things? Things that are every day for me, and that I enjoy. Why do they vanish from my brain?

Two weeks ago I planned to go for morning walks. Simple right? Get up, get out and enjoy. That relies on past-me taking steps to make sure future-me doesn’t have to even think about it when they become current-me. In an ideal world, my cats would have the smarts of Gromit from Wallace and Gromit. Our house would be filled with contraptions to help me through the day. It isn’t an ideal world and our cats are simply fluffballs of mayhem. Another distraction.

Past-me should have known that future-me needed help and done the work. Except I’ve met past-me, just yesterday. By the evening they’re often tired and out of spoon energy. Asking them to prepare the house for future-me is a tough ask, but maybe one that needs to happen.

The absurdity of this is that when I finish work on a Friday, it is difficult to pick up again on Monday. The weekend distractions will have Swiss-cheesed my brain. I’ll have to remind myself of a project I may have been working on, or the simple fact that I was posting on social media. A month ago I made an entire system to help me post photos to Instagram, but because I took a break from that workflow I’ve forgotten all about it. 3 weeks have passed since I last posted. The obvious solution is a task manager, but as soon as they become filled with tasks I naturally ignore them because it is overwhelming.

While I understand the issues with AI are complex and messy, for someone like me it can be useful. Maybe one day I could have an AI assistant that could be like Gromit. Life-changing. For now, though, I had a discussion with Chatty-G (ChatGPT via Merlin Mann) about this and they concluded it was working memory deficits combined with object permanence.

Forgetting you like something is often due to ADHD-related working memory, state-dependence, and low motivation signaling — not because you’ve lost interest or changed. Your brain just doesn’t “ping” that info unless it’s actively cued.

If a hobby or interest isn’t actively visible, being talked about, or scheduled — your brain may just stop surfacing it. It doesn’t feel urgent or present, so it slips out of awareness. This isn’t the same as disliking it. It’s that your brain forgets it even exists as an option until something reminds you — like a photo, a conversation, or the weather.

Now I know, it’s an AI and the results should be taken with a pinch of salt. I asked it for scientific studies to back up its ideas.

• Martinussen et al. (2005) – Working memory impairments in ADHD: A meta-analysis
• Kofler et al. (2010) – Working memory and inattentive behavior in ADHD
• Barkley (1997) – Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions
• Smith & Vela (2001) – Environmental context-dependent memory: A review and meta-analysis
• Kofler et al. (2017) – Organizational skills and working memory in children with ADHD

Smart people are actively researching this topic. But what do I do? How do I help future-me out without current-me burning out each day from extra prep work? Here’s what Chatty-G suggested;

Ways to Work With ADHD and Remember What You Love

• Externalise your memory
  • Make a visible "I Like..." list (Notion, sticky notes, phone widget)
  • Keep a folder or board with reminders of things you enjoy
  • Use a short daily check-in: "What do I need?" "What do I enjoy?"
• Schedule joy like a task
  • Add recurring calendar events for things you like (e.g. “Go swimming”)
  • Use habit trackers or To-Do apps that show history
  • Label tasks with emotional reminders (e.g. “Swimming = feel better after”)
• Use visual and emotional cues
  • Leave physical reminders out (swim bag, goggles, swimsuit)
  • Set your phone wallpaper to a photo of you enjoying swimming
  • Use music, scents, or objects that evoke the positive feeling
• Review what works — regularly
  • Weekly “What made me feel good?” review
  • Track activities with journaling apps (Daylio, Reflectly, etc.)
  • Set a recurring task: “Check if I forgot something I like doing”
• Reduce startup friction
  • Break tasks into tiny steps (e.g. “Pack swim bag → get dressed → head out”)
  • Keep gear prepped or in easy reach
  • Pair the activity with something enjoyable (e.g. podcast + walk to the pool)
• Use accountability and support
  • Ask a friend or group to remind you of things you enjoy
  • Join ADHD communities for structure and shared tools
  • Use shared calendars or buddy systems
• Be kind to yourself
  • Forgetting something you love doesn’t mean it’s gone
  • It’s just an invitation to rediscover it again, with curiosity

I’m already doing a few of these but perhaps I should be trying harder. What it must be like to be able to function, to get up and do things. To simply go for a walk, start the day and then work 9-5 with consistency and healthy routines. What must it be like to not have to remind yourself, every day, of who you are? Or perhaps I shouldn’t worry because tomorrow I will have forgotten all about this.

Links

• Wer kommt? How Eurovision 2025 is challenging the patriarchy - That Eurovision Site. The national final season for Eurovision 2025 is in full swing. Fans are revelling over the slew of new songs we’re getting and, of course, discussion are rife about who will win.
• Queerbaiting at Eurovision: Are We Being Played? - oneurope.co.uk. Mo Fanning casts a queer eye on the Eurovision Song Contest and asks just how much we're being 'queerbaited' by the rainbows and lollipops.
• Eurovision bans Pride flags, but these three queer contestants won't be silenced - Queerty. This year's Eurovision contestants face strict rules about what flags they can carry onstage, but a new generation of queer performers may shake things up.
• Eurovision 2025: Israel Should Be Excluded, Says Winner Nemo | HuffPost UK Entertainment. The Code singer has spoken out about some of the controversies surrounding this year's event – including the "stupid as f**k" new rules around Pride flags.

Nature vs nurturing my pull to refresh finger

You’re probably aware of pull-to-refresh on iOS (and Android?). Originally pioneered by Tweetie for iOS (RIP), many apps now use the gesture to reload a feed or website. It’s a nice, simple interaction with your phone. Pull down with your thumb or finger, and the app refreshes, giving new content and a fresh hit of dopamine. I pull to refresh on Bluesky, Mastodon, Instagram, Facebook, Reddit, Safari, Reeder (RSS reader), and by the time I’m done there will be new content on one of them, so I repeat the cycle, and again, and again... As I write this, I got distracted by the news after checking that pull-to-refresh was a feature on Safari.

sigh

What did I ever do before pull-to-refresh? Cmd-R-to-refresh. I remember being on IRC 20 years ago and having the same conversation about how we would rotate through websites to see what was new. The problem here isn’t the tool, it’s me. I knew 20 years ago that I had a craving for fresh content in the way I craved just one more Pringle. Addiction? It feels like it’s verging on that, but I always find a way to be OK with it. “I need these apps for work.” Do I need to be using them all day, though?

As I’ve learnt more about ADHD and dopamine, I have come to realise just how distracting these apps are. They’re always in reach with something new to chew on. I try and try to find ways to block them, but then I find ways around that. Currently, my social media apps are locked away in iOS’s “Hidden” folder, so it’s just a bit harder to get access to them, but I’m still using them. I know of writers who have uninstalled Safari from their writing devices, which seems extreme but makes sense.

Single use devices could be the way forward? An e-ink RSS reader? A Steamdeck instead of a Mac for gaming? Noble ideas but they all cost money and I already have a phone and laptop which give me access to the games and feeds I want to consume. I can’t afford new toys, but the current ones offer too many distractions.

What if finding ways to hack technology isn’t the answer? What if getting away from it is? What if the dopamine I’m getting from consuming content is as bad as the dopamine I get from consuming sugar? Sure, the rush is good and gives me energy, but sugar is bad for you. Is there a healthier way of getting these hits, the energy boost? Cold water swimming/showers do it, but it’s far easier to refresh Bluesky than hop into a cold shower. Part of me wonders if getting out into nature more often could provide a healthier baseline level of dopamine that would help me avoid distracting apps.

Imagine. A morning walk with a camera instead of a camera phone. Back home for a cuppa, photo edit and email check in the yard with bird song giving me focus for the day ahead without the craving for something more. Powered by seeing the world on my doorstep rather than the world through an app. Except I live in the UK, where it’s either cold and rainy, or sunny, and neither is good for using a computer outdoors.

For now, I will try because at least I’ve had a wander. I’ll use the app Bearable to log times when I walk, social media use and how I feel. Maybe it’ll work, or maybe I keep on refreshing for dopamine.

Links

• Swirling Green Aurora Captured From the ISS. I don’t have a whole lot to say about this video except wow. Wow wow.
• When Skirts Went to Battle: Scottish Soldiers in WWI. Before heading to the front lines of World War I, these men took a moment to toss each other into the air with a large piece of cloth. Scottish soldiers in kilts, England, 1915. 📸 Anonymous, via Wikimedia Commons
• Screen KIN Online - Project Art Works. Enjoy screening KIN online and access resources gathered by the Support Collective specifically to for siblings of adults and children with complex needs.
• Wearing Skirts and Heels Made Me Question My Gender. I have heard from a number of men whose interest in wearing skirts has led to them questioning their gender. This is my own experience.
• Chongqing, the world’s largest city – in pictures. The largest city in the world is as big as Austria, but few people have ever heard of it. The megacity of 34 million people in central of China is the emblem of the fastest urban revolution on the planet. The Communist party decided 30 years ago to unify and populate vast rural areas, an experiment that has become a symbol of the Chinese ability to reshape the world
• Watching o3 guess a photo’s location is surreal, dystopian and wildly entertaining. Watching OpenAI’s new o3 model guess where a photo was taken is one of those moments where decades of science fiction suddenly come to life.

Pacing myself

It’s a sunny Sunday morning, and I wake up at 9ish ready to start the day. Glancing at my Garmin, it says I’ve had 7.8 hours of good sleep. Let’s go! Before I get going, I check my Body Battery, 38% full. Let’s rest! The day before, I was in Manchester doing portraits for the LGBT Foundation, which was lovely but required a drive there and back and the energy to get good portraits of 30 different people. That day left me with a Body Battery of 5%.

I knew this day was coming and on Friday I rested on the couch playing video games and cuddling my cat. Unfortunately I awoke on Saturday to a Body Battery of 52%. It had only increased by 27% overnight. The watch told me that I about 7 hours sleep, but it wasn’t a good 7 hours of sleep. Apparently I was stressed before sleeping which contributed to the poor nights sleep, which of course I would be as I needed a good nights sleep.

Before I had this watch I tried to get 6-8 hours sleep, but with this new data it’s asking me to think about the factors that will affect the quality of sleep. Maybe I do need to read before bed instead of watch TV, or do some sketching or listen to music. Some sleep tweaks are needed.

Tracking these metrics is fascinating, but it’s strange to think about how I need to work at resting. Two days before a shoot, I need to have a restful evening and a good night’s sleep. One day before, I need to rest all day so I can recover enough energy to do the job on the day. Throughout the day, I need to pace myself as I need enough energy to get home. When I’m back home, more rest as I need the energy to edit the photos either later that day or the following day.

It’s a lot. Before I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I only had to deal with anxiety, depression, autistic overthinking and ADHD distractions and the occasional migraine. Now I have to deal with pacing to avoid fatigue on top of all that, which is tiring in itself. At least I can think about this and plan for it. Assuming the Body Battery feature isn't just marketing. Let’s go, for a bit, then let's rest.

Links

• Transcestry celebrates a decade of community collecting at The Museum of Transology. In its largest exhibition to date, the museum reaffirms its mission to defy the erasure of trans, non-binary and intersex lives from history with a show-stopping collection of hundreds of objects from the community.
• Turner Prize nominates neurodiverse and refugee artists. The four artists in the running for this year's prestigious art award are revealed.
• My Ordinary Life: Improvements Since the 1990s. It can be hard to see the gradual improvement of most goods over time, but I think one way to get a handle on them is to look at their downstream effects: all the small ordinary everyday things which nevertheless depend on obscure innovations and improving cost-performance ratios and gradually dropping costs and new material and… etc.
• URGENT ACTION: Write to your MP to protest the Supreme Court ruling and the EHRC's proposals to impose draconian bans on trans people from single-sex spaces.. The trans community is facing a major crisis in the UK after the Supreme Court ruled last week that for the purposes of The Equality Act 2010 sex should be classified as biological (i.e. as recorded at birth).
• Guest blog: What being a feminist man means to me. Do you identify as a feminist man? Today's guest blogger talks about what the term means to him and how he aims to live up to the goal of being feminist.
• The Best Photo Stories of 2024: LGBTQ+ Projects | AnOther. As the year draws to a close, we look back at some of the most powerful photo stories published on AnOther, which shine a light on queer individuals, communities and creativity

Trans women are women. Now what?

If you’ve not seen the news this week, the UK Supreme Court made a dangerous ruling about the definition of a woman, which impacts the lives of my friends. I disagree with the ruling for a few simple reasons. Firstly it sides with Trump, so clearly bad. Secondly, it was essentially paid for by JK Ruining, a person who Elon Musk said to give transphobia a break because she was always harping on about it. Thirdly, it was a one-sided argument. No trans people were able to voice their concerns. Finally, it ignores the science which means this is politics, power, control and basic bullshit.

My husband has taught human reproduction and development to the Cambridge medics for over three decades. When people start banging on about "only two biological sexes”, he starts with "which sex: genetic, hormonal, or gonadal"? Biological sex is not binary. - Bluesky

This ruling should never have happened, but of course it did because people with louder voices and more money than us made it happen. The outcome of it will be that trans men would be required by law to pee in the women’s urinals, which I guess is a sink? Trans women will have to carefully aim at the men’s urinals and hope for the best. Non-binary people don’t exist under this new ruling, so we never have to worry about peeing. Phew. What will happen is that trans people won’t want to go outside because the world won’t be safe for us. My local pool has cubicles and 2 large open-plan changing rooms where you walk around naked. Is a trans woman going to get naked in front of a bunch of men? Of course not. They’ll just not go.

How do trans people keep going to school or their job when they’re afraid to use the toilet? That’s the whole point, they don’t want us to. Jess

The kind of people who love to go on about being cancelled and erasure of identities have put into play a way for trans people to have their lives cancelled and their identities erased. How pathetically empathetic of them.

It seems so utterly hopeless, and I’m angry. Science and common sense did not prevail, so what do we fight back with? Rant in this newsletter? Short-term benefit for me, but not a great read for anyone else. Punch the wall? Only hurts me. How do you healthily channel anger? How do I use anger without letting it consume me in the way it has with those fascists who changed the law? It has to be with science, logic and non-violent protest, or we become that which we fight against. But how?

Everything I looked into felt quaint, patronising and clichéd. Should I do craftivism and suggest that to others? Knit something, that’ll fix it. Really? Maybe if I knit the complex science behind biology and wear it as a jumper, people will slowly be educated... What if I write about how the rebellion was born in Star Wars: Andor and how that connects to today’s world? That’ll change things, right? What can I do against billionaires when I have to worry about every £5 I spend?

Sabotage. Macilious compliance. Fuck shit up. Rebel. ... Somehow and safely in a non-violent way, so we’re not just pushing anger back and forth. Also, make sure you protect yourself first and foremost because you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first.

I saw a post from a friend saying that maybe they, as a trans woman, can walk down the street topless now. Society only has an issue with topless women, and if the law says trans women aren’t women, then it must be fine. I liked this idea and thought it might be a fun, rebellious photo project. Don’t become an extremist, become an absurdist. Show the absurdity of what these people are asking us to do. Shirtless trans women leaning over a urinal. Big beardy trans men applying beard oil in the ladies. Trans men in tiny bikinis at the beach because why not? I would quite like to do a series of photos like this.

Except that isn’t what they want, or what will happen. Trans people will avoid these places altogether. They’ll stay at home. The UK Supreme Court gave facism a way of forcing people to comply or live in fear.

Speaking of photos, flood social media with topless trans women photos. Shouldn’t be any issues now, should there? If Meta moans, push back. They can’t have it both ways. But again, those with power will simply enforce their will no matter how illogical it may be and they will have it both ways.

I feel despondent, but that is this moment and it will pass. History shows us that awful things happen but so does change. We might never see it but I am 100% sure that change will happen.

Lastly, for those who aren't trans, non-binary or allies, don't for one second think that these fascists will stop at us. Hate always spreads. It’s never fulfilled. Don’t believe me? It’s easy not to when it doesn’t affect you. Here’s JK attacking the asexual community for no apparent reason other than she’s “bored of this shit.” I guess “this shit” is anything that isn’t cis-het normality and she’s proven to have the power to erase it. Be an ally.

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A post shared by BEE (@beeillustrates)

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—
And there was no one left to speak for me.

"First They Came" is the poetic form of a 1946 post-war confessional prose piece by the German Lutheran pastor Martin Niemöller. A man who once supported the Nazis until they came for him.

Links

• Support resources for our trans friends and allies. At a time when anti-trans discrimination is rife and hate crime has reached record levels, it’s important to know what support is out there for trans, non-binary or gender-questioning individuals and their loved ones.
• Low Energy Lounge (@lowenergylounge.bsky.social). Launching a photo campaign in collaboration with @openmedf.bsky.social for ME/CFS Awareness month and we’d love to see YOU in it! Repost to help spread the word. 🩵 Together, we’re stronger—and louder!
• Swamped Skies. Photographer Joshua Rozells on his photo of our increasingly crowded night skies.
• an online gallery. An online art gallery showcasing the artwork of people living with severe ME/CFS
• Pioneering study examines cold water therapy’s potential to treat PTSD. Scientists at Swansea University have embarked on a groundbreaking study to examine whether cold water immersion (CWI) therapy can alleviate post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
• The PIP Cuts. According to the DWP’s own figures the rate of overpayment of PIP is only 0.4%, Kendall’s argument that it is being overhauled to expose those fraudulently claiming PIP is clearly a way of covering their true  motives which is to attack the most vulnerable in society.
• ‘White Lotus’ Star Aimee Lou Wood Expresses “Pure Rage” Over U.K. Anti-Trans Ruling. The actor shared her support for the trans community on Instagram.
• Sex Redefined: The Idea of 2 Sexes Is Overly Simplistic. Biologists now think there is a larger spectrum than just binary female and male
• Arguing about whether science says trans people exist is a trap, and it’s hurtful.. As a trans woman, I head for the hills when allies do this.

Nice things

• Free Stuff — Craftivist Collective.
• Moving the Needle: The Power of Craftivism, Identity and Community - No Kill Mag. A look at Let’s Move the Needle: An ACTIVISM HANDBOOK for Artists, Crafters, Creatives and Makers by Shannon Downey Introduction […]
• An interview with Shannon Downey aka Badass Cross Stitch - No Kill Mag. Shannon Downey, aka badasscrossstich is a craftivism rockstar who uses feminist cross-stitch + needlepoint to build community, educate inspire
• Survival of the Knittest: Craft and Queer-Feminist Worldmaking. Using various case studies, this article explores the importance of craft for queer-feminist survival and worldmaking.
• The Best Photo Stories of 2024: LGBTQ+ Projects | AnOther. As the year draws to a close, we look back at some of the most powerful photo stories published on AnOther, which shine a light on queer individuals, communities and creativity

Little things to be happy with

It’s been sunny for the past two weeks and while I haven’t had the energy to get out there and swim, I have enjoyed sitting in my freshly cleared yard. It was nice, really nice. Life is harder than it’s ever been for me these days, but it will be harder if I sink into depression. I have enjoyed things and I will continue to enjoy things. So what are they?

Enjoying

Swimming

Due to chronic fatigue (ME/CFS), I’ve been resting so I have energy to do commissioned work and prevent Post Exertional Malaise crashes. That’s the priority. Summer is coming so I’ve treated myself to a much needed swim bag and new gloves so I am ready for it. I did my first dip in over a month just the other day and it was lovely. Unfortunately it did result in an unproductive afternoon due to brain fog, and a 2 hour nap.

My website

For years I neglected my website because it has 20 years of content in it. The portfolio side was refreshed in 2023 but the rest was a mess. It’s hard to work with WordPress because any time you search for an answer you find clickbait, not answers. That’s changed with the help of ChatGPT. I know AI is problematic, but it has helped me a lot with my site. It gives me the code I want or a list of plugins without any BS. My site has a nice theme that I’ve made my own, a blog, a photoblog and follows the POSSE methodology of Publish (on your) Own Site, Syndicate Elsewhere.

My setup allows me to publish a blog or photoblog post to my site which is then automatically published to all my social networks. If a social network goes bad or a new one comes along with a good API I can hook into it. No matter what happens with social networks I will still have a solid archive of work on my site.

Is all the work I’ve done bringing in print sales and new clients? No. But it is definitely easier posting to one place rather than 6.

Eurovision entry playlist

Eurovision is next month and I’m making my way through the playlist on Apple Music, marking favourites and skipping heartstring-tugging ballads. Why are there so many ballads this year? Who will make it onto my all time Eurovision faves playlist this year?

Two Point Museum

Recently I realised I find it easier to relax with drawing than video games, but my ADHD got curious about the recently released Two Point Museum. Stylistically it harkens back to Theme Hospital on the Amiga blending sillyness with strategy. Visually it looks great and plays fantastic on my computer. As someone who spends a lot of time in museums, it is fun to build my own. There are silly museum announcements, a good soundtrack, nice sound fx and the whole thing is a calming sensory toy.

Daredevil & Andor Rewatch

There are new seasons of Marvel’s Daredevil and Disney’s Andor to watch. It’s been a long time since season 3 of Daredevil, and while the new show is a Marvel, not Netflix production we thought it best to remind ourselves of what has happened. Will Born Again be Daredevil Season 4 or Marvel’s Daredevil Season 1? I don’t know. What I do know is just how good seasons 1 and 3 of the Netflix show were. They were something special. Rewatching in 2025 is interesting. The idea of a blind superhero is more plausible than the legal system working for the people and locking up corrupt and powerful rich white men. Yay, escapism.

Speaking of fighting fascism. Andor season 2 is out soon too, so we’re rewatching Season 1. Also another great show. Both Daredevil and Andor succeed because they are very grounded in reality, with very real characters. You can almost link one of Matt’s speeches in Daredevil about becoming the thing you’re fighting against to the one by Luthen in Andor on a similar topic. Solid TV.

Home

I rejigged the office layout and I think it works better. Good to have a clean out now and then to make the space feel like somewhere you want to spend time. Of which, we cleared the yard out and got it ready for BBQ season. Is our house perfect, no but it’s better than it was a week ago and that helps me feel better. Small wins.

Looking forward

TV

New seasons of things I like. Yay! I have not watched the trailers for any of these because of spoilers.

• Star Trek: Strange New Worlds S3 (Summer)
• Andor Season 2 (May)
• Daredevil: Born Again (Out now)
• The Last of Us Season 2
• Eurovision 2025 - Grand Final: 17 May 2025

Jim Moir Exhibition at Lady Lever Art Gallery

Opening this summer at the Lady Lever Art Gallery is a new exhibition by artist Jim Moir, who you may know as Vic Reeves. It will be from 14 Jun 2025 to 2 Nov 2025. His work is an inspiration to me as a basic artist. He plays with art with a delightful freedom that I aspire to. Will something work? Who knows, try and see. We should all be free to play. It’s slowly taken from us as we become adults. Take it back. Be silly, be playful.

Oh, and I got to meet him and do the promotional portraits for the gallery.

Travels

We’ve got a few days down south planned to chill with family coming up soon. In summer we’ll be off to Barmouth for a bit to hopefully wander around Wales and explore. Later in the year... maybe Venice for a few days.

Pride

Summer will be filled with Pride events. Hopefully, I can attend the same ones I did last year as they were a lot of fun. Each one had a slightly different energy.

• Liverpool Pride - 25th July
• Manchester Pride - 15th - 25th August
• Brighton Pride - 2nd / 3rd August
• Wirral Pride - 9th August in New Brighton
• Trans Pride Brighton - 19th July
• Trans Pride Manchester - 2nd August
• Trans Pride Liverpool?

While my energy levels are all over the place, and I’m only working part-time, there are still things I’ve enjoyed and things I will enjoy. It is important to recognise that and not let depression take over and overwhelm you.

Links

• Goodbye Sinful Sunday/What we do is good, actually | Girl on the Net. Sex is not harmful, it is a healthy part of most adult lives. Sexual expression is a healthy thing in a functioning society. What we do is good, actually.
• Why I Will Always Talk About Being Trans and How ME/CFS is Making Me Do Things Differently - YouTube. Many of you have asked if I will still make trans content because recently I have been mainly making videos about my ME/CFS diagnosis. I will always talk abo...
• UK & International Partner Awards 2025: Meet the Artists. Meet the artists receiving awards - £650,000 funds 17 bold commissions by disabled artists, pushing boundaries and sparking dialogue.
• Disney+ unveils accessible mural to celebrate the release of Daredevil: Born Again | RNIB. If you're affected by sight loss, we're here for you
• Resources. We create resources for artists, creatives, producers and the sector to share best practice, insights, toolkits and more. Highlights Browse
• ‘It’s supposed to be intense’: inside the experimental film that ‘truly captures’ autism | Film | The Guardian. It stars a roaming shapeshifter – and a cat-faced soldier fighting a zombie in a swamp. We go behind the scenes of The Stimming Pool, the first ever feature film to be made by a group of autistic directors
• International Women’s Day 2025: The Fight For Neurodivergent Women and Girls. It’s International Women’s Day 2025 and gender inequality and health inequalities still have major consequences for neurodivergent women and girls. Whilst there have been changes and improvements (for example, the narrowing…

Pacing not pushing

My #YearlyTheme for 2025 is “Keep pushing.” I’ve kept that in mind throughout the year, but as each day passed it felt harder and harder to do. How do you “keep pushing” when your body reacts negatively to exertion? For people with ME/CFS or Long Covid exercise harms the body. You can’t “keep pushing”.

The more I read the more I learnt about pacing. Work a bit. Rest. Work a bit. Rest. Easy to do if you’re at a desk, but often my day is 8 hours continuously on my feet with a brief snack for lunch between locations. The places I go are interesting and I love being commissioned, but the way I work is now harming me. Can I tell a client I need breaks? Will they go with someone healthier? If they did, fair enough as it’s their money and project, but I’ll lose work.

For now, I’m pacing when I can. Recovery days are essential. Carrying a water bottle is also essential. Slowing down is now too, essential. But how do I know if I’m going too fast? Usually, my body will crash and I will feel like I’ve just run 15 miles. That’s the only time I’ve felt something like Post Exertional Malaise, whereby the post-workout tiredness is delayed and disproportional to the workout. Pacing is meant to help you avoid triggering this issue, but you need to monitor your heart rate to do so.

While my Apple Watch can monitor my heart rate, it doesn’t do it enough to provide the data needed to avoid crashing. Some apps try to help, like Welltory or Stress Watch, but without real-time data, they can’t help. I would get an alert that 2 hours ago I was stressed and needed to rest. That information needs to be immediate. Alternatively, for around £65 and a monthly subscription you can get a heart rate monitor from Visible that will sync with your phone and send the data to them for analysis. It’s designed with ME/CFS and Long Covid people in mind. £15/month though. I couldn’t afford that.

So I bought a Garmin. The cheapest model with the Body Battery feature, and luckily 50% off. A Vivosmart 5. After reading a lot of ME/CFS posts about how useful it was I needed to try it. At £130 the device is expensive for one feature, which I’ll come to in a moment. At £67 it was, still expensive, but just about justifiable. When my Apple Watch battery makes the device unusable I will question whether to get a proper watch Garmin instead.

The Body Battery feature works by continuously analysing combinations of heart rate, heart rate variability (HRV) and movement data while you wear your device. The goal of this analysis is to identify meaningful physiological states and to describe the impact they have on your body’s energy levels.

While the Apple Watch can provide this data, it doesn’t offer anything like the Garmin Body Battery feature for people with ME/CFS. I can glance at my wrist and see if I’m resting or stressed. The graphs are helping me learn what stress is. After a large meal, the data highlighted how that was the most stress I put on my body that day. A big treat meal after a long commission could be bad in ways I’d never considered. While I would feel like I’m resting by sitting down to eat, the actual food processing inside me would keep me stressed and increase my chances of crashing. Data is fascinating. My hope is I can use it to better pace myself before my ADHD gets bored with the new toy. Small changes, big wins. Hopefully.

2025, Year of keep pushing/pacing. Push pace. This is why I prefer Yearly Themes over New Year Resolutions. They’re open to reinterpretation and exploration. There is no guilt-triggering depression caused by failure because you do not fail, you explore. I will push myself when I can, in the ways that I can, and aim to pace myself. Hopefully, the Garmin helps. It’s my illness tracker. Maybe the Apple Watch will one day add features for chronic illness tracking and ways of using the decade of data it has on me, without an AI doctor being weird. Keep calm, and keep on keeping on.

Links

• Pacing and Management Guides - #MEAction Network. Find #MEAction's original Pacing Guide and Pediatric Pacing and Management Guide for ME/CFS and Long COVID, with translations.
• Life with a Low Battery: Living with ME/CFS (Full Color, with Music) - YouTube. Join Mito, the newest member of the Bateman Horne Center, as she takes you on a journey to understand Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS)
• How to use Garmin watch to reduce stress, charge body battery | Phoenix Rising ME/CFS Forums.
• My life with ME/CFS: Life changer - Heart rate monitoring keeps you away from crash level threshold - YouTube.
• How to use a pacing app on a Garmin watch - Many Lemons. Learn how to use the Long COVID pacing app with the Garmin Vivoactive 5 watch, which helps manage energy for those with conditions like M.E/CFS and Long COVID. The post includes instructions for installing and configuring the app, focusing on tracking heart rate to prevent overexertion, and emphasizes the importance of pacing for better health management.
• The Hearing Test | The White Pube. also a review of the Visible app, sort of
• Autism Acceptance Week: What is Autism and What Does Acceptance Look Like?. I was sixteen when the question of whether I could possibly be autistic arose and, at this stage, my understanding of autism was limited.

Am I my Innie or Outie?

I recently went to a sci-fi convention filled with geeks all sharing their passions. If someone shouted “Lower Decks!” People from all around the room would join in with a round of “Lower Decks! Lower Decks”. The nichest of references were acknowledged, and if not, they were something new to deep dive into later. Here you were not weird, you were normal and outside was weird. Life made sense here. I was home.

Except I still struggled with human interaction in meatspace. Or, simply put. Barclay and anxiety, in Hollow Pursuits. (A TNG reference in multiple ways. I did say it was a niche event.) To those who have not seen Star Trek: The Next Generation S3E21 - Hollow Pursuits, allow me to summarise. A member of the crew on the USS Enterprise D has trouble talking to people in the real world and finds solace in the fictional world of a holodeck program where he can happily talk to AI characters. Despite working in an environment filled with like-minded people, all happy to discuss their passions, he struggles to make friends. The episode was made in 1990 and according to the writer is a satirical look at Trekkies and their excessive obsession with sci-fi. It is not a healthy discussion on social anxiety and neurodivergent/disabled issues, but oddly does allow some people to see themselves in a show they love and maybe help them figure some issues out.

This was me recently. At an event filled with people sharing my passions, I should have been talking endlessly until they kicked us out of the bar. So why wasn’t I? My wife seemed to make a whole away team-sized group of new friends, and posts on social media the next day from various attendees implied the same. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t make new friends? Loud chaotic environments meant I couldn’t hear and process the words of people next to me, so why even try and talk to them? Warm spaces without seating added to being overwhelmed by sensory issues. Ignoring Long Covid ME/CFS energy issues made me feel exhausted, there was nothing wrong with me and everything wrong with the world.

During lockdown times I took up streaming on Twitch. I sat alone in my studio talking to a video camera about things I loved. This was live-streamed to several people who would watch and engage via a text-based chat room. In an environment I controlled, I happily interacted with people about things I loved without social anxiety. There was time to read the chat, process the information and respond. On a good day, when my dopamine was flowing, I was quick-witted and fun to hang out with. (I think) When lockdown ended and we could return to bars, cafes and private views for social interaction, I returned to sitting in spaces surrounded by people I knew while I played with my phone. Somehow everyone else seems to cope in these spaces, whereas I shut down. Streaming on Twitch proved that it’s not me, it’s the space.

I felt like two people and to use a Severance metaphor, it left me wondering am I my Innie or Outie? Is the Innie Me in a controlled environment the best version of me, or is the Outie Me who struggles to deal with the mess that is life so that they can grow the best version of me? Should I flat-out say no to things because I know I will struggle and feel bad for not making the most of something? Should I only ever exist in a space that enables me? Should the world be better at providing spaces that enable rather than disable? I had these thoughts 14 years ago when I did a photography project for the Look Photo Festival at the Bluecoat. Before that, I wrote poems (really bad poems) about how the internet helped enable me back in the mid-1990s. After 30 something years of looking at this issue through poems and photos, what, if anything, is the answer? Innie or Outie?

While I struggled to chat in chaotic spaces at the sci-fi convention, there were moments of hope. My ADHD was triggered when I saw an interesting person in cosplay. This caused the dopamine levels in my body to rise which helped overpower my anxiety and I came alive. I needed to photograph what I saw, and to do so my Innie Me needed to exist in the outside world. For a brief moment my brain somehow reconfigured itself and I functioned as a perfectly normal person, photographing a cat talking to a Gorn, as one does. While I'll beat myself up for failing to cope in one way, the weekend reminded me that I can function in others. If only this was me all the time instead of for fleeting moments when I need to photograph something. Maybe one day I'll be both Innie Me and Outie Me. The best of both worlds.

Links

• Disney+ unveils accessible mural to celebrate the release of Daredevil: Born Again | RNIB. If you're affected by sight loss, we're here for you
• Resources. We create resources for artists, creatives, producers and the sector to share best practice, insights, toolkits and more. Highlights Browse
• ‘It’s supposed to be intense’: inside the experimental film that ‘truly captures’ autism | Film | The Guardian. It stars a roaming shapeshifter – and a cat-faced soldier fighting a zombie in a swamp. We go behind the scenes of The Stimming Pool, the first ever feature film to be made by a group of autistic directors
• Mud, sweat and deers: a poetic view on gender transition – in pictures | Art and design | The Guardian. Pia-Paulina Guilmoth’s community in rural Maine is not always welcoming to trans women. She deals with the hostility by capturing the local area’s beauty
• Art Activities | Art Therapy.
• International Women’s Day 2025: The Fight For Neurodivergent Women and Girls. It’s International Women’s Day 2025 and gender inequality and health inequalities still have major consequences for neurodivergent women and girls. Whilst there have been changes and improvements (for example, the narrowing…

A year with Long Covid

Merely days after the 4th anniversary of COVID-19, just after the 4th Long Covid Awareness Day, I caught COVID-19. After 4 years of being careful, masking up, avoiding events, staying out of shops occupied by unmasked men and internally screaming at the lack of empathy in the world I tested positive. external screaming

The days I spent testing positive were “fine”. I had been vaccinated, and thanks to my Autism Spectrum Disorder I had been boosted more often than most. When the test finally said negative I felt relieved. COVID, for me, was not too bad. My fears of being devastated by the virus were unfounded and I relaxed. If I ever caught it again I needn’t worry. Unfortunately, I developed a complication, that one year later I am only starting to understand. I possibly developed Long Covid or ME/CFS (Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome).

I say possibly developed because there aren’t any real tests that can be done. My doctor suspects Long Covid but as the clinics are winding down the most they can offer me is a “There there” pat on the back. The doctor has referred me for a ME/CFS diagnosis because there is decades more understanding of that condition and maybe more help.

Life now is exhausting. Actually exhausting, not "Long day. I'm exhausted." The only time I had previously felt this way was after running 15 miles during marathon training. That's how a casual walk can feel now. I feel the weight of my cat when I struggle to pick her up. I'm dizzy every time I stand. My camera sometimes shakes in my hand if held for too long. Internally I've aged 40 years.

A diagnosis of ME/CFS would mean my active is over. My mum had it around the same age and it ended her career, destroyed her and she died mid-50s. I can’t have that. At 46 I’m still just getting started with my personal life and career. My recent ASD and ADHD diagnosis have given me a better foundation to build a life on, along with an understanding of being non-binary. I know the kind of photography work I want to be doing and to find that now I won’t have the energy to do it is heartbreaking. In 2024 I struggled to earn 1/3 of minimum wage. Is that the future? Struggling to fail?

My #YearlyTheme for 2025 is to keep pushing. I ended 2024 by running two 10km runs, for fun and to remind myself that I can keep pushing. I looked forward to 2025 after that, knowing that if I put my mind to it I could achieve the things I wanted to. Unfortunately, I became exhausted a lot more often. After reading about how exercise is bad for you when you have Long Covid, I stopped and rested. When I don’t have a commission I’m resting, and resting and resting.

My mum rested. Eventually, stairs became too much for her, and then walking and then living. That can’t be my future. For some people Long Covid starts to fade after a year. I hope I am one of them. For now, keep pushing... when I can.

Photos from my COVID-19 photo diary.

Links

• Long COVID research risks losing momentum – we need a moonshot. Investing US$1 billion every year for the next ten years into long COVID research could improve the lives of millions and save trillions in economic costs.
• It's ME(Jaime): "Some resources for #LongCOVIDAwarenessDay - Bluesky.
• Here I sit: — Andrew Gifford on Glass Photography Community.

Finally learning how to relax

Over the years I’ve struggled relaxing be it on the beach or the couch of an evening. Switching off is not something I can easily do. My ADHD brain doesn’t stop thinking, and as a freelance photographer, there is always work to be done. So I’m busy, all day till I go to sleep.

While I’ve been a gamer for as long as I can remember I never found them relaxing. Fun yes, but relaxing? I get bored playing relaxing games. I have to do something. I can spend hours tweaking a city plan, or slowly making my way through the years in Civilisation but again, I’m doing stuff and maybe not relaxing. Plus it’s almost impossible to sit down and play a game. By the time you’ve waded through updates or network issues, you’re too annoyed to relax.

Of my many hobbies, thanks ADHD, what could I do to relax? I tried to get into knitting a few years ago as that is something that doesn’t require software patches (although end products do require patching). It’s something you can do while watching the TV or listening to a podcast too. More importantly, it is good for your mental health. You spend time focusing on learning something new and when you’re done you have something to show for your time. That triggers joy. You can even gift it to someone, more joy. So knitting, is that how I relax? No. I got distracted by something else. Nudity.

Nudity can be distracting, what with all the wobbly bits wobbling, but I found it helped me focus. A few years ago, while trying to get into knitting, I was distracted by life drawing. My drawing skills are right up there with my archery skills. I can hold the thing but I can’t make it go where it needs to go. So, with absolutely no experience and confidence in my inability to draw, I went to a session. I’m sure the dopamine hit from exploring something new and exciting helped with my art attempt. It felt like my first time in cold water. Oddly not scary and something I seemed OK at doing, so I continued. Relaxing though? No, but the confidence in my ability to draw led me to where I am today.

Today I find myself sketching on my iPad in the evenings while watching TV or listening to a podcast with my wife. It's fun to experiment with landscapes, starships, portraits and birds just to see what happens. Just like life drawing or getting into a cold lake, I find it helps keep me focused on the task. You could call it mindfulness, with boobs and willys. I try and do a new picture each night. That’s mainly because I know my ADHD gets bored easily, and it also means I finish the sketch and feel like I’ve achieved something.

Somehow staring at naked strangers has led me to find a hobby that helps me fight depression and helps me relax. It’s important when fighting depression to do things and feel a sense of achievement. I really enjoy it. It feeds my curiosity, I’m learning new skills, creatively playing around and being a little bit silly because why not? I prefer this to video games, which I’ll still collect video games and never play, but if I’ve got time to spare I will happily do some art, badly and relax.

Links

• Dr Melissa Chapple. Erin, a 3rd year student whose project I'm supervising, is looking for autistic women in the UK to discuss their post-diagnostic experiences. The full eligibility criteria and sign up is available here: https://qualtricsxmcvmfqqjlj.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cSEyUK8EvQRmfCC
• Wired Our Own Way - Dubray Books. Wired Our Own Way: An Anthology of Irish Autistic Voices is the first collection of personal essays written by autistic Irish adults.
• Photographer Captures All Seven Planets Visible in the Night Sky. All of Earth's neighbors in one shot.
• Apple Announces AirPods Pro Hearing Aid Functionality expands to united Kingdom. Apple on Monday put out a press release in which the company announced its hearing aid feature for AirPods Pro 2 is now available in the United Kingdom.

One year of sobriety

Just after dry January 2024 I gave up alcohol. My January was not dry as I had to finish all my nice whisky before I started ADHD medication. It is a bad idea to mix methylphenidate and alcohol. Methylphenidate is a stimulant, while alcohol is a depressant. This combination can mask the effects of each other, leading to unpredictable and potentially harmful consequences. So I said goodbye to my favourite alcohol and embraced a healthier lifestyle. After reading an article on what to expect when giving up alcohol, I looked forward to better sleep, improved skin health, losing weight, reduced anxiety, increased energy levels and being able to better concentrate. One year on and I’m still looking forward to all of those things.

Maybe I wasn’t a heavy drinker? I rarely had a hangover and rarely went over 14 units a week. There was never a point where alcohol was an issue in my life. No interventions. No one told me that maybe I had had enough, and no times when I woke up thinking “What did I do last night?” I enjoyed exploring alcohol and never considered it an issue. I stayed within the limits and enjoyed the way alcohol helped calm the anxious side of my brain, allowing me to have fun. If it wasn’t for the medication I would still be drinking and having fun. Why wouldn’t I?

Leo McGarry: I'm an alcoholic, I don't have one drink. I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently. - The West Wing. Season 3, episode 10.

That quote from The West Wing stuck in my brain and any time I wondered whether I was an alcoholic I replayed it. But I kept telling myself that I was not and I was fine if I stuck to the 14 units a week limit. That quote kept popping up as I learned more and more about ADHD and dopamine. People with ADHD often have dysregulation in their dopamine systems. Alcohol increases dopamine release. It makes you feel good. “How can you not want to feel like this longer?” ... “Oh”, I thought.

This isn’t to say that everyone with ADHD is unknowingly an alcoholic. It’s simply that my overthinking brain, completely out of character, led me to worry about a “What if?” While I would not describe myself as an alcoholic, I could see the patterns. My 20s were spent eating and drinking sugar to stave off depression, which of course never worked but I sure as hell kept trying. Is it possible that decades of trying to battle anxiety, depression, autistic sensory issues and ADHD overthinking could lead me to drink more because a brief moment of feeling good is long overdue? It’s possible, at least for me it feels possible. When I was tired and stressed after a man tried to film me on a 360 camera in France, all I wanted was alcohol to help me through the inescapable overthinking. I wanted to turn my brain off and have fun, and alcohol would do that. The diet cola I chose instead was... fine.

After a year without alcohol, I feel like I can get by without it. My skin is no better. Chronic fatigue makes it hard to understand my energy levels. ADHD still makes concentrating... squirrel! However, I think I am better having been through stressful situations and coped without grabbing a beer. At the very least I know I can give up something to be healthier. As long as it’s not chocolate.

Links

• Photographer Captures All Seven Planets Visible in the Night Sky. All of Earth's neighbors in one shot.
• Apple Announces AirPods Pro Hearing Aid Functionality expands to united Kingdom. Apple on Monday put out a press release in which the company announced its hearing aid feature for AirPods Pro 2 is now available in the United Kingdom.
• Effects of cold-water immersion on health and wellbeing: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Background Cold-water immersion (CWI) has gained popularity as a health and wellbeing intervention among the general population. Objective This systematic review and meta-analysis aimed to evaluate the psychological, cognitive, and physiological effects of CWI in healthy adults.
• The Autobiography of my Boobies. This is the autobiography of my boobs, which is a separate story to my life. When people look me up and down and hear my name is Dolly, some ask ‘Were you named after Dolly Parton?’ Yes, I had these sized tits when I was one day old.
• Because Rest Matters: What is a rest kit?. What is a rest space, why is it important and what’s in a rest space kit? Let’s unpack.

It's been a passing idea of mine to do Adam Buxton style ramble chats while I walk along the coast. Previous attempts were ruined by the sound of wind, which is quite often a thing here on the coast. I gave up. However, I've just upgraded my audio gear and it works in the wind. So, I present a ramble. (These may get better...)

A nice morning

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Transcript

Hello there, I am currently on the beach. I've just been for a 10 minute dip in the water and the tide is going out. I thought it might be nice to do audio post for my newsletter this week. I thought it'd be nice to kind of wander down to where I've just swam and sort of taking the sights and the sounds. As the tide is going out, and just kind of sort of say something.

It's just really nice out here. It's got that hope sort of feeling that no matter what sort of terribleness is in the news, nature is still natureing on and doing its thing. The seasons are just about to start to change and warmth is coming back to the world. Things are bad if you read the news but if you get outside things are getting better. No, maybe not getting better because I quite enjoy winter. Things are changing and yeah, it's just going to be nice. It's going to get warmer so... I was going to say that would be great because I can do longer swims but given my chronic fatigue issues at the moment I longer swims aren't good for me. It's a shame, so I can float for longer.

I've been doing a lot of... what's the word? Sketching and some watercolors. Only digital watercolors so they don't quite have the same effect. At least they don't have the same outcome but I feel like they have the same effect which is just kind of look at stuff. I mean, I'm a photographer and I enjoy looking at stuff. Wandering around with a camera, seeing things and photographing them but there's a definite difference between photography and painting or sketching. Photography for me feels very off the moment. Instant. Instant is probably the best word. It's a split second in time. There's the famous Cartier-Bresson quote about the decisive moment. That's kind of what you feel you're looking for in photography. That split second. Even when you're doing portraits and you can chat to someone. There is often just a split second where their expression is exactly what you want and then it's gone. It's just very instant and fleeting, whereas sketching and painting and things, you kind of, I feel like you're taking the moment and just kind of really stretching it out and really kind of paying attention to it. That moment can be sort of half an hour long. That you're just soaking in that scene and looking at the the details and the the way things happen.

I found that quite interesting because for so many years I've tried to be a photographer who slows down and it's never worked. I know a lot of people talk about that where they where they shoot film. They shoot like I mean certainly glass plate negative so that's going to slow you down. You can only do like one or two of those but even when I was shooting film I'd still kind of burn through a whole roll. It didn't feel like it slowed me down, but sketching and doing painting and things that actually slows me down. I'm really taking my time there. I really like that.

It's sort of giving me a different appreciation for the things that I look at I guess. To really kind of look and think about stuff. I'm really kind of enjoying that. Still a photographer, and that's my primary thing but I'm certainly enjoying a different way of kind of looking at stuff and different way of creating as well. I sort of stopped doing video games because. I never found the time for them. Where as sketching and doodling on my iPad, I feel like I can do that in the evenings more than I can play a video game. I feel like you have to get into a video game and by the time you got into it, you have to get out of it. I also kind of felt like I never found one that really helped me relax. I tried, and I asked people but I never really found one. Sketching and everything, sitting there with my cat, looking at a photo that I've taken and trying to draw it, to think about the color and the way things work. I can enjoy doing that.

There's also a freedom in painting that I don't have in photography, or maybe that I should have in photography. Maybe I've become a bit stuck perhaps. I feel like in photography, I have to get everything just right whereas in painting I kind of like to mess around and see what happens. It's quite enjoyable doing that.

So I guess what I'm saying is It's nice to be outside. It's nice to take things slowly to sit to sort of really enjoy a long moment rather than an instant. No matter what's going on in the news just kind of maybe find a space and get outside. It's just nice to be out and enjoying long moments.

I've probably rambled long enough. I can't feel my fingers in some ways after my swim my, despite wearing gloves. My hands still haven't really recovered so I'm gonna go and get them warm. Get a cup of tea, warm up a bit. I think that sounds like a a good plan. The tide was going out but it's going really slowly. Taking it's time. It's definitely giving out it's because I can see the the water where it's been. Now I am properly rambling so I will leave you with the sound of where I am I guess...

Links

• Interview with artist, Hayley Paterson (Part One). For our latest collaboration, we had the pleasure of meeting up with artist and performer, Hayley Paterson, in a secluded venue on a winter’s night in Brighton city centre! To add to the rawness and vulnerability of our conversation about body image, the artist’s creative process and her most noteworthy projects to date, Hayley bravely volunteered to bare all and was naked for the duration of our discussion...
• Where's My Waistline? Tips for the Skirted Male. I sat down to write this style tip thinking that the recommendation would be 'Your waistline is at the navel, not the top of your butt'. For most skirts and traditional kilts, this might be true. But for many skirts, it depends.
• The Publishing Process and How I Became a Sunday Times Bestseller. As we approach paperback launch week (which is NEXT week!), I feel a bit like I’m saying goodbye to the hardback era of Girl Unmasked. I know many people prefer paperbacks - they’re cheaper, lighter and have a different feel. I’ve always been a firm paperback lover too, but…
• Look Up in the Sky! It’s a Trans-Led ‘Supergirl’ Comic Series Coming Soon!. The new DC series will be written and drawn by Sophie Campbell with colors by Tamra Bonvillain.
• Apple’s Newest Budget Phone Brings Accessibility in more ways than one. Apple this week announced the iPhone 16e . The company put out a press release on it , but it also posted a video to YouTube . I chose to indulge in the latter medium for entertainment value.
• How trans rights activism and sex workers’ solidarity emerged in the…. Shoulder to Shoulder — In this extract from writer Jake Hall’s new book, which deep dives into the history of queer activism and coalition, they explore…

ADHD medication after one year

A few months after getting my ADHD diagnosis I received a surprise message saying my medication would be arriving 2 months early. Throwing the spirit of Dry January out the window, I spent a weekend clearing out the Yamazaki 12-year-old, beautifully smooth, whisky that my lovely wife bought me for my 40th birthday and prepared myself for a productive year. 6 weeks later I caught Covid and spent the rest of the year dealing with Long Covid or ME/CFS (Myalgic encephalomyelitis or chronic fatigue syndrome). Woo and also, yay.

After 2 weeks

Side effect-wise I had headaches every morning for the first 10 days. Thankfully the headaches did not increase as the dosage did. I’m maybe a little bit more easily irritated now and then. I had to lock my cat out of the office as she kept jumping on my desk and wouldn’t lie down. I had work to do and needed to see the monitor. I love that she sleeps on my desk, but I need to work.

The headaches did go away and it is possible that was caffeine withdrawal.

The other possible side effect is that I’m a little bit more fidgety in the afternoon. While my computer is processing my hands want to do something. Doomscrolling social media is the go-to, but that’s bad. I’m currently using an old Nintendo Joy-Con as a fidget toy while mounting my phone on top of my computer so it’s just out of reach. This may be the lower doses wearing off.

The fidgety craving went away as well, but I can’t say when exactly. I looked into getting a fidget spinner/toy but they were all plastic. Occasionally I do fancy a 10-minute go on a Rubik’s Cube as a distraction but I’m sure that would turn into a 2-hour session. The joy of ADHD distraction and autistic hyperfocus.

The side effects are fine so far. The benefits? I’m not feeling anything. I had hoped that this pill would feel like that first coffee in the morning... So far the only thing I’ve managed to achieve is closing my exercise ring and hitting my water goals every day since starting the medication. I’m drinking 2.5 litres every day. No caffeine. No alcohol. My pee colour is mountain spring clear. I guess that’s something? - Two weeks on ADHD medication. 11th Feb, 2024.

Would they kick in after 2 months?

After 2 months

Would I say that the meds work? Honestly, it does not feel like they do. I take my morning pill and feel nothing. No energy boost, clarity of thought or eagerness to do my accounts. I do sit down and work with a reduction in impulsive task switching. I’m still easily distracted if I choose to be, but I’m maybe more aware of that and better able to resist. - 2-month review of ADHD medication. 7th April, 2024.

Annoying. I wanted to be setting reminders and ticking them off while doing a TikTok dance and building an audience that I could monetise to enable a sustainable lifestyle. Unfortunately, nothing.

After 3 months

By 10 AM I feel like I’ve just run naked along the beach without a care in the world. I feel great. Raaaaa! Let me at the world. The medicine finally works. I’m seeing the benefit. - ADHD medication after 3 months. 28th April, 2024

Boom! Show time. Let’s fluffing go! 2024, the year of getting everything done. Everything!

I discussed this feeling with the titration doctor and we both agreed that feeling this way was perhaps not healthy. They lowered my dosage and the morning europhoria faded. There was still some feeling in the morning. It was less “LET’S GO!” and more “Alright then.”

Whatever happens with this feeling, right now there’s something incredibly comforting about it. I can look forward to tomorrow. I’ll take the pills, feel good about myself and do good things. I’ve never experienced this level of security in my mental health. To know that I will feel good tomorrow, it’s absurd. I can feel good today because I know I’ll be good tomorrow.

After one year

If you see me running naked down the beach holding a tax return, you’ll know the feeling has gone. 28th April, 2024.

The feeling did indeed go. The medication has become fairly everyday and the novetly of the new has faded. I miss that boost of energy from the higher dose. Somedays I notice the “Alright then” feeling and on an average day, I’m maybe a bit more focused than without the meds. I still need an app to disable news and social media sites. After reading Craig Mod’s Roden newsletter I’ve started leaving my phone in the office at the end of the day so it isn’t the first thing I do in the morning. At least, I did for a week.

I need to remove and block distractions to get anything done, and constant reminders. Life does not feel more organised than before and I’m not sure I’m getting anywhere. The photos and videos from our Europe trip in September 2024, five months ago, have not yet been sorted because when I came back I got distracted by life.

After a year on medication, I feel like I’m back to how I was 2 months in.

Would I say that the meds work? Honestly, it does not feel like they do. I take my morning pill and feel nothing. No energy boost, clarity of thought or eagerness to do my accounts. I do sit down and work with a reduction in impulsive task switching. I’m still easily distracted if I choose to be, but I’m maybe more aware of that and better able to resist. If the meds are working then they work like my hearing aids. I’m unaware of their utility unless I stop using them.

I wish I could take the medication and get everything done. My personal Instagram account has fallen by the wayside when I should be using it to promote my work. My business account is doing OK though. I had planned to empty our front room so someone could sort the issues in there, but I’ve not yet done that either. My portfolio needs a lot of work. The personal blog, travel blog, bank account switch, etc all need sorting. There are many thoughts in my head. The medication isn’t a magic switch that removes ADHD. My hearing aids do not enable me to hear every word, they only boost certain frequencies and give me a better chance of hearing something. I have to remind myself of this each day.

Am I getting things done? Yes. Everything? No. Should I be? No, and that’s OK. Given everything, I’m doing OK and that is something to be happy about.

“Given everything...” I am currently being tested for ME/CFS (Myalgic encephalomyelitis or chronic fatigue syndrome) due to sporadic spells of exhaustion that last for days. Even if I took the stronger dose of ADHD meds that make me feel able to rip a phone book in half, I’m not sure I would have the energy to do anything.

For some people, the medication is life changing. For me, I think there is more work to be done on staying focused.

Links

• How I Get Anything Done Ever. After a lifetime of struggle, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 36. I’d long suspected I was neurodivergent, but the diagnosis still hit me harder than I expected. So much grief. The question—what would my life have looked like if I’d known this as a child?
• What Does Overstimulation Sound Like To Someone With Autism? (PLEASE WATCH THIS WITH HEADPHONES ON) - YouTube. This was mainly made to show my mom. Ha ha. So please remember I am just trying to show (to my mom) what it's like for me to be in a crowded room and why it'...
• The 'Great Comet of 2025' Lights Up the Skies in Stunning Photos | PetaPixel. Astrophotographers in the southern hemisphere captured remarkable images.
• Living with ME | Wellcome Collection. Nine people with ME reveal their unremitting struggles as they negotiate life with their illness, including their battles to be believed, diagnosed and supported.
• DOOM: The Gallery Experience. Have you ever wanted to browse art from the Metropolitan Museum in a first-person shooter interface? You are in luck because DOO
• iPhone's Action Mode helps people with Parkinson's shoot videos. Apple puts a lot of effort into promoting accessibility with things like the hearing aid feature for AirPods Pro. This...
• Agender: Portraits of Young People Who Identify as Neither Male or Female. Sasha was lit on fire on a public bus because they were wearing a skirt and a men’s shirt. The image was taken shortly after Sasha was released from the…

What 5 years of cold water swimming has done for me

I celebrated my 5th anniversary of cold water dipping in January 2025 and decided to look back through my archives to see how the journey has been. Had I overcome anxiety and my fear of jellyfish? Did cold water dipping save me like some Guardian lifestyle article suggested it should? After five years I believe it hasn’t saved me, but certainly helped. I would say it is like meditating, or indeed anything in life. It’s a practice and you need to practice it. Maybe you’ll feel something after an isolated dip, but you need to do it often and for a long time to see the change in yourself.

After five years I still struggle with daily anxiety, weekly depression, imposter syndrome, and the general feeling that I’m failing at life except I think I understand it a bit better now. Those feelings are just the way of things. Not to sound too much like an inspirational poster from a wellness Facebook group, but darkness takes over when light fades or, more simply, entropy happens.

We all remember the laws of thermodynamics right? Cool, but just as a refresher here’s some science. The second law of thermodynamics is a fundamental principle of physics that governs the direction of natural processes. It essentially states that an isolated system’s total entropy (a measure of disorder within a system) can only increase over time or remain constant in ideal cases. While the second law states that entropy increases in spontaneous processes, it's important to note that some processes can be reversed by putting in energy. Disorder naturally increases in systems unless energy is put in.

In wellness woo-woo terms, darkness is the default unless you put energy, aka light, into a system. By default, everything that exists will naturally go bad unless you actively work against it. My brain defaults to that and if I don’t actively work against it I become consumed by it. Depression takes over. Cold water dipping is how I rebel, how I put energy into me as an often isolated system. If I start the day this way I’ve started with a small win for me. I’ve proven to myself that I can do something most can’t. This small win is shared with friends outdoors as the sun rises and the oil tankers pass by. It’s an odd place, but fun.

Of course, it’s all very easy to type this into a text file and feel smug about what I’ve learnt about myself over these past five years. I could sell inspirational posters and do Ted talks about how cold water swimming changed my life. But I won’t, because of a little quote from The Matrix. “There’s knowing the path, and walking the path.” Sure I know what I should do, but do I? I often fail to apply this lesson to other parts of my life, at least not as strongly as I do with swimming. What would my career be like if I could only simply put the energy in to prevent decay? It’s all well and good starting the day with a cold water dip, but the energy from that dip fades. I’m left, as a disabled photographer, feeling like I’m trying to run after a train that everyone else casually took a comfortable taxi to. It takes all my energy to figure out how to catch the train while everyone else has already got off. Small wins though. I doubt anyone else on the train could say they started the day by running into the sea during winter.

After 5 years, has getting cold been worth it? Before I did my first dip in 2020 I wrote;

Around 2 years ago I saw a video about someone who would swim naked every day in the lakes of Wales. That seemed a level up on everything. Not only where they swimming in random lakes but naked too? A thought developed in my head. I’d like to be the kind of person who does that. Maybe not really but I’d rather be the kind of person who does that than the kind of person who thinks people like that are crazy. I guess I would like to be the kind of person who doesn’t fear living as much as I do. - Worry Dipping, Jan 2020.

Today, after 5 years.

Interestingly, the past few dips I’ve done have been anxiety-free. Slowly, with love and support, progress. - Has 5 years of cold water dipping liberated me from my fears?

That's me totally naked and visibly fighting against my own personal entropy. I'm saying no to anxiety and depression in such a silly way by running into the sea wearing nothing at all. OK, I'm wearing swim socks because it's cold, duh. That's me realising I have become the person I wanted to be back in 2017, and not because some algorithm recommend it but because I spent five years learning about myself in so many ways. Cold water dipping has helped me see that when I have the energy to challenge myself, it's worth using that energy and that this philosophy can be applied to every corner of my life. This is what the NHS psychatrist was helping me to understand when I had CBT (Cogantive Behavioural Therapy) in 2023. No matter how you feel, it's important to get things done. It has taken a while but thanks to swimming, various little nudges and writing out my thoughts I can see the real value of cold water dipping.

Get naked. Get in the sea. Rebel.

Highlights

A few other cold water dipping highlights from over the years.

Body Confidence

12 years ago I was 23 stone. I wore all black and multiple layers to hide how overweight I was. I hated being seen because generally I was only ever seen as a fat man. Today I’m 16 stone (ish). If people see me now they see someone doing things they might not have the confidence to do. They see someone being themselves. They see someone fighting anxiety to better themselves. - Confidence

Becoming non-binary

...would I have ever come out as trans non-binary without wild swimming in the UK? That is a fascinating thought. Did I naturally have the confidence to walk around in a skirt with makeup on, or have the past 3 years helped with my body issues and given me the confidence to see the non-binary person inside me all this time? - 3rd anniversary of cold water swimming

Being in a safe space to wear whatever I want

Why can I wear a towel robe (it’s a dress) to change in after swimming but not a dress on a hot day when I walk back from the lake? Logically taking one loose-fitting, free-flowing dress that lets the wind get places (and from wearing the towel dress robe this year wind gets…places) makes more sense than taking shorts and a t-shirt. he/they is non-binary now

Highlighted anxiety issues and slowly helped me deal with them

Recently, I was interviewed about swimming and anxiety. In the build-up to being interviewed, I felt like a fraud. How can I be a good example of how swimming helps with anxiety when I’m still facing anxiety while swimming? I returned to the water and kept swimming. Exposure therapy and challenging negative thoughts can be a way to overcome such issues. I was scared and while my fears were confirmed every few minutes, I kept swimming. Swimming anxiety, July 2023.

I want to be OK with things that aren’t perfect. OK with the fact I exist. OK with who I am and what I can do. OK with my body, my work, my house. OK with weirdos who film me when I’m out for a walk (it’s not OK in the way they do that but I don’t know why they are, so I’m choosing to be OK with it). I want to be OK and live.
To that end, I started the year with a splash about in the cold January water, with big waves, while wearing a thong on a crowded beach with people I know. Why? The poster said "Fancy dress" and I figured this was fancy. However, when I arrived I was a little too nervous. While I may be OK with my body am I OK with my bum being seen by my friends? - 2024's Yearly Theme, Jan 2024.

Shown I can do things

I’ve written about this before and I find it fascinating. I can swim around in January in my tiny swimming briefs with a purple beard, and lipstick on, feeling confident. If anyone tried to say anything about my appearance, I know that they would not have the confidence to be me. Somehow, I’m good at this. It empowers me. People I spoke to at the exhibition launch last night thought I was bananas for doing cold water swims. Yet, I do, and I can when I notice my alarm. How am I, Mixter Autistic over here, doing that with confidence but nothing else in my life? - Things I can do, March 2023.

Skinny dips

It was cold but I soon acclimatised and enjoyed it. I was actually swimming in a big Welsh lake almost totally naked as the sun set over Snowdon in the distance. It was amazing. At one point a stranger appeared and took some panorama photos. I’m not even sure if they saw me. If they did they certainly didn’t shout “Naked man!” The water was ridiculously clear too. It was beautiful and I felt so at ease with the world. I sat naked on the rocks for some photos to remember the moment and to really push myself. Anxiety never came. I felt alive. - Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous. October 2021.

It is fascinating that so many people are doing cold water swimming for mental health reasons and yet society isn’t really pushing the envelope. People are risking hypothermia and being swept out to sea by walking into cold water in speedos and bikinis yet to do it naked would be truly weird. It isn’t weird. It feels great to remove all obstacles between you and the water. You feel more connected to the moment than you can in man-made fibres. You are fully integrated into nature not hiding away inside an encounter suit. You feel a bit of adrenaline doing something risky and silly too. As an adult, I don’t think we have enough experiences like this in our lives. It’s one problem to the next. We’re not free enough to be silly. - Is skinny dipping good for mental health? May 2022.

Links

• Outrage Fatigue Is Real. Here’s Why We Feel It and How to Cope | Scientific American. Repeated exposure to outrage-inducing news or events can lead to emotional exhaustion. An expert who studies online outrage says there are ways to cope
• Access Manifesto : 20 Stories High.
• The Omg Lol Times · Toward a more diverse social web.
• How to Weather the Storm. Without really meaning to, this week I’ve posted a few related articles around the theme of how to survive the next four yea
• Self-care Toolkit: use your iPhone to be kind to yourself - TapSmart. Use technology for good by bringing more relaxation, mindfulness and joy to your life Technology has a reputation for negatively impacting
• Wirral Physio, 52, crowned world ice swimming champion - BBC News. Helen Hislop competed in freezing temperatures while spectators wrapped up in big coats and hats.
• On Permission — by Craig Mod. On Permission - Your phone is off, Dylan is on. Let's get to work.

Post contains casual nudity

For a long time, I had a passing curiosity about cold-water swimming, perhaps driven by the egotistical notion of getting good photos rather than enjoying a five-minute break from anxiety. I remember seeing photos by Lomokev on Flickr back in the late 2000s. Great photos, but at no point was I interested in getting in. 

Growing up I had no real connection with the water. We lived about a 20-minute drive from the beach and rarely went. I have memories of going to beaches around North Wales as a kid, but not of swimming. It wasn’t something I did. We had lessons at school but I struggled and the teachers became frustrated at my inability to comprehend how to swim. Kick your legs and move your arms. Simple, right? My undiagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder was the issue. I was overwhelmed by the noise of the pool. Those spaces always sound weird, and I found it disturbing. There’s the smell of chlorine and the shock of the water temperature too. Add into that mix chaotic school kids not being kind and a healthy fear of drowning or being attacked by “something” in the water due to watching Jaws. I did not enjoy failing to learn how to swim, and so my connection to the water was broken. 

Many failures and setbacks in my childhood are probably down to being unknowingly Autistic and lacking support. I was bad at sports because all school sports were based on hand-eye coordination. I could not catch a ball, but I could outrun everyone on the team. So I was bad at sports, and the school was bad at providing sports I was good at. This led me to be 30 years old and 23 stone, or 0.1460567431 metric tonnes. Being fit and adventurous was not my thing. Why go outside and face strangers calling you fat when you could stay at home with video games and the internet? Well, I met someone.

I met someone who saw more in me than I did and they gave me confidence to try new things. She inspired me to take up running and when I realised I could run, I wondered how far. So I ran a marathon. She inspired me to take up swimming and when I realised I could swim, I asked how far. So I pushed myself. Once I realised I could do something, I got into it. All it took was the right level of support, which I had never had before. She believed in me before I did, giving me the confidence to do things I never thought I could. My connection to the water had been restored thanks to my wife Sam. 

In December 2019, while my wife and I were in Amsterdam, I saw a postcard and it struck a chord with me. There was a naked man happily running towards the sea. The text said, “Liberate yourself from your worst fears.” I saw that and thought “If only I could be that confident.” Imagine what I could do if I could liberate myself from my worst fears. While I was now a person who had started to believe in myself, I wasn’t the sort of person to strip naked and run into the sea due to anxiety and overthinking.

My anxious brain defaults to “No.” “You can’t just go and run a 5k.” “You can’t just climb Mount Eryri in the dark.” “You can’t swim naked in the lakes of North Wales.” You can. You can do all these things. The world doesn’t end. Whenever that voice is saying “No”, push it aside and listen to the curious voice, that wants to know more. Follow that curiosity. Even if you keep hearing “No”, stay curious. What if a good outcome, instead of a bad one?

A few days after we returned home from that trip I saw two women casually walk into the cold industrial River Mersey in summer swim clothes, and swim off. It was January and people were doing the postcard thing on my doorstep. I wanted to try. Someone on Twitter (not yet X) put me in contact with a group and I went for my first chilly dip. The experience led me to go again, and again and again. Thanks to the support of the local swimming community I gained some confidence and became one of those annoying people who only ever talks about cold water swimming. 

I could not have become this version of myself without the support of my wife and the wonderful local swimming community here. They created a safe space for people to find themselves. At no point has anyone told me to stop wearing makeup, or wear manly shorts in a manly way rather than being my authentic non-binary self. Thanks folks.

And so, after 5 years of cold water dipping, what have I learned?

• I can do things most others can’t
• I can do things, actual things
• I can occasionally wear a thong to the beach
• I can make friends
• But I still struggle to chat to people
• I’m far less worried about how I look
• Everything takes time. Go at your own pace.
• Sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you can.
• Affirmations are easy to write.
• I can now splash about in the waves in the dark
• I prefer cold water dipping to summer swims
• I can dip in a hail storm or 65 mph wind and rain
• Some people actually do wear Dryrobes for swimming rather than shopping
• I’m OK with how my bum looks

Has the past five years liberated my fears? This is what I wrote about 4 years ago when the Maritime Museum asked me to write about open water swimming. 

You’ll read a lot of articles about how open-water swimming has healed/cured/fixed/saved someone. For me it hasn’t done anything like that. I fight my anxiety and depression every day. I fight my body issues every day. I struggle to find confidence in my ability to be someone able to function, every day. I’m not cured. It does give me a reminder that I am capable of being more than what my anxious depressed brain tries to make me believe I am. Every swim I do is a battle that I overcome and I do it in front of an audience without fear. It makes me wonder what else I can do if I put my mind to it. 

Since then I’ve been photographed and interviewed for the Guardian and started 2024 by running into the sea in a thong. While my fears are not liberated, they are becoming easier to overpower. Easier, but not easy. By constantly doing this silly activity I’m reminding myself of what I can do. That belief permeates into every part of my life, not just swimming and as my Yearly Theme for 2025 says “Keep pushing.” I have wild ideas of skinny dipping on a full moon, of being a life model, or even being photographed naked by various photographers to continue to face these fears. My brain says I can’t, but maybe I can. Interestingly, the past few dips I’ve done have been anxiety-free. Slowly, with love and support, progress. I will, of course, eat these words come jellyfish season. Nope!

Hello 2025

In my Review of 2024 I mentioned how burnt out I felt. The year had been rough both personally and business wise. Why would I want to do another year? I was reminded of how Lewis Hamilton’s final year at Mercedes Racing went. His 2nd to last race made him want to retire the car before the Grand Prix was over. It was that bad. He was done with 2024, but still had one final race to do. In that last race he drove phenomonly. He always says to keep pushing. That’s my plan, my theme for 2025. “Keep pushing.”

I would say easier said than done, but today it’s the reverse. I’m being tested for Long Covid due to random bouts of exhaustion. This morning I went for a 6k run, which was tough, but moments after finishing my energy levels crashed. Keeping my arms up to type is actually quite tiring. The simplest of things are quite challenging, both physically and mentally.

When possible, I’ll keep pushing. Before Christmas I did two 10k runs to remind myself that I can. I can keep pushing.

In other news, I’ve done a big roundup of how 2024 was for me from a business perspective. Charts and everything. It’s a big review of the various types of work I was commissioned to do and what I chose to do in my free time. Lots of interesting details about 2024. There’s also a highlights gallery of my favourite photos from 2024.

Over the holidays I made a big push to update my portfolio site and sort out a number of bugs. There’s lots of new content, restructuring and sorting. Don’t forget the print shop.

Lastly, I’ve created a newsletter called Wave which is going to be a simple monthly update on my photography. Think of it as a way to follow my photography work incase the enshitification of Instagram cranks up a notch.

Year of being OK

In December, I set my yearly theme for the next 12 months. It is more of a guide for the year than a strict New Year Resolution that you beat yourself up about for failing 5 days in. Previously, I've gone for;

2021 - Year of Something Else
2022 - Year of Courage and Connection
2023 - Year of Queer

For 2024? Here's what I wrote last year.

I started to realise I do not have a handle on my anxiety, and it warps every aspect of my life. I need to have a handle on it. So, my theme for this year is "Being OK". I want to be OK with things that aren't perfect. OK, with the fact I exist. OK, with who I am and what I can do. OK with my body, my work, my house. I want to be OK and live.

In simple terms,

Brain: "You can't do that!" Me: "It's OK. It'll be OK."

As the year draws to a close, was I OK in 2024? At times, I surprised myself. I was more than OK. I lived.

2024’s Yearly Theme

Each year I set a theme to guide me through the days ahead. Last year was the ‘Year of Queer’. What will this year’s be?

pete.newsPete Carr

Being in the moment with ADHD and the Hokey Cokey

Is it possible to be in the moment and enjoy life when my ADHD brain is always overthinking? Can the Hokey Cokey help?

pete.newsPete Carr

Is Cold Water Dipping like BDSM?

It’s a bit unusual to go for a cold dip in a storm, but any more so than nipple clamps?

pete.newsPete Carr

30 days being sober

I was a 14 unit a week drinker. How did it feel to give it up and go sober?

pete.newsPete Carr

However, there were times when I was not OK;

Being invisibly non-binary

Being different is taking a lot out of me, and the streets feel unsafe. I wish to go unnoticed.

pete.newsPete Carr

An autistic person travels

Thoughts and tips on train travel around Europe

pete.newsPete Carr

Autistic Burnout again

After a relaxing few days on a quiet beach, I returned home to become angry, tired, anxious and extremely on edge. Why?

pete.newsPete Carr

Mens changing is upstairs, sir.

I went shopping in the city wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I was invisible to the world until I took a t-shirt dress to the gender neutral changing room where I was told, “the men’s room is upstairs.” *sigh*

pete.newsPete Carr

I became “OK” with money, in that I switched my personal account to Monzo and my business account to Starling. The features they provide have been invaluable for me as a neurodivergent person. Pots help me put aside money for new tools I need for work and save for my Tax Return. I have a “Monthly Bills” pot with a specific target to meet, so I know I can pay the bills. I even have a Wage pot where I put aside money each week so that at the end of the month, I get “paid”. This goes from Starling to Monzo, and a rule in Monzo takes most of that and puts it into a personal “Monthly Bills” pot. Full-time employed people will have taken this for granted, and it seems like such a “Well, duh!” thing, but my previous bank accounts never had such features. They left me to deal with everything on my own. I’m 46, and nearly 30 years after becoming an adult, I’m finally getting a handle on money. All this is because I’m disabled, and high street banks never catered for me.

Hearing aids became an unexpected new health toy in 2024. In February, I took a test at my local NHS place, and there and then, they said, “You have mild/severe loss. Here are your hearing aids.” After nearly a year with them, they have become essential to everything from TV to talking with my wife to work. I would strongly advise that everyone gets their hearing checked. It is not a big deal having to wear them. People are surprised when I tell them I’m wearing them. No one notices, and you quickly become used to wearing them. Just remember to take them off before you shower. If you have Apple AirPods Pro 2 and iOS 18.2, you can now take a hearing test with them from home.

Along with hearing aids, I also started ADHD medication. After 11 months on them, I’m still adjusting. At the start I felt nothing, then they kicked in, and I felt a proper jolt of energy in the morning. The ADHD team felt like it was too much so they dropped me down. For a while, this was OK but after nearly a year I don’t feel their effects. At least I do not feel the jolt of energy. About 1 hour after taking them I feel “fine” and able to work. Distractions are still seducing me, and it is still hard to focus. After taking a 3-week break while I travelled the side effects hit hard and left me with absolutely no energy for a month. Previously I thought this was Post-Viral Fatigue after COVID-19, but it may have been an electrolyte imbalance. I now drink an electrolyte drink each morning which seems to have helped. A part of me hoped they would “fix” me so I could be productive at work/home. They haven’t.

There is a chance that the ADHD medication has helped this year. I was able to organise the house so we could get the roof repaired, a new radiator installed in the front room and new windows put in. For the first time in years our front room is warm. Pre-med me always got lost in researching the best/right solution to a problem I did not understand. This year, I got something done, and it worked. So, maybe they help?

I was “OK” enough to do my tax return in the summer, or at least most of it. Unfortunately it revealed that work is not “OK”. Despite constantly working, I haven’t properly played a video game in a year, my full-time job brings in less than part-time money. My take-home wage is just over 1/3rd of the minimum wage. If I’m not out taking photos, I’m editing them or posting to social media or my blog or sorting accounts or, doing emails or managing TBs of data. I’m on my laptop till I go to bed. Even with ADHD medication, a warmer office, and a new fast computer I’m struggling more than I ever have. I tried to “Do the work”, like some inspirational poster on social media would say, but it did not work. Now what? sigh Work is not “OK”, but at least I’m not alone. Yay?

The “Year of being OK” has been helpful. It’s been a good theme to focus on. I can see that work is really not OK, and somehow, I need to fix that. A positive is that it has possibly highlighted when I am at my best, and that might be through dopamine-fueled activities. There were multiple times when I was able to calm my autistic overthinking anxious side and through the power of dopamine, I lived. I sat almost naked in a rainbow bathtub in the lobby of Liverpool’s most famous building. For Liverpool Pride, I wore tights and a rainbow-themed pair of briefs, no skirt/trousers, and marched around the city taking photos. Most recently I went for a dip during Storm Darragh and I wasn’t scared.

These events leave me thinking that if I can just get past the anxiety, overthinking, fear and self-doubt then when I’m in the moment I can be OK. That, or if I don’t wear a skirt/trousers and have my arse hanging out of sparkly underwear, I’m OK and can get things done.

So, 2025’s theme. I wish I knew. This year has left me completely burnt out. The idea of doing this all again for another year leaves me depressed. I don’t even want to do 2025, let alone set a theme for it. But, since I have to do it I’m going to go with “Year of keep pushing.” It’s a phrase that Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton often says, and despite a bad year, he had a fantastic final race of this season. No matter what, keep pushing. A noble idea but you can’t push through burn out. Even if you could I was photographed in a bath last year, do I pose in the shower this year?

Highlights

• Being in the moment with ADHD and the Hokey Cokey. Is it possible to be in the moment and enjoy life when my ADHD brain is always overthinking? Can the Hokey Cokey help?
• AuDHD - The battle of Autism and ADHD to be a functional human [223]. AuDHD. Autism and ADHD. Two sides of my brain that fight often, but work well. How?
• Am I more disabled than I thought I was?. On the 6th anniversary of my Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis I look back and wonder whether I'm doing OK now or do I need more help?
• 5 years of Hello Computer. Happy birthday to this newsletter that has documented me coming out as non-binary, getting an ADHD diagnosis and wearing a thong to the beach.
• Is Cold Water Dipping like BDSM?. It's a bit unusual to go for a cold dip in a storm, but any more so than nipple clamps?

I also started a new newsletter this year called Stargazer. It's focused on LGBTQ+, disabled, neurodivergent photography aiming to promote the work of others and interesting ways of working as a photographer. 

Welcome to Stargazer

A look at queerness during wartime in Ukraine

pete.newsPete Carr

Lastly, my photography highlights from 2024. Less than 2023, but I loved all the commissions I worked on.

2024 Highlights – Pete Carr Photo

Portraits Events Arts Work Travel Queer Work Portraits Events Arts Work Travel Queer Work

Have a good Christmas/Winter break and see you in 2025. If you need help, here are some people you can contact.

It’s 7:30 am and dark. My world is rocking, and there’s a definite level of moistness to it. I’m sitting in my car, which is parked by a lake on the coast of Wirral, Merseyside, during Storm Darragh. Outside winds are gusting at around 64 mph (103 km/h). The rain is horizontally streaking across my windscreen, and the car is rocking so much it feels like it’s going to take off. For some reason, my only worry is about making the most of the morning instead of my normal fear of the world.

My friends head down the ramp to the water’s edge, and I grab my camera in an attempt to document their swim. They’re swimming, whereas I’m just here for a dip. I can barely stand still. The wind is blowing hard, and I look for something to hold on to. After getting what photos I can before the lens is covered in rain, I head back to my car to strip down to my swim briefs. Shiny, sparkly ones just because it’s quite the day.

Standing in the car park in tiny briefs I may as well be naked. There was no time to consider whether my briefs were on properly because the second I was out of my SmocSmoc (A Welsh Dryrobe) I felt every single rain drop. “Was it hailing now?” I thought. It wasn’t, but the speed of the horizontal rain felt like hail. Fascinating. Not something I’ve experienced before because normally one wears ALL the clothes before going out in a storm.

I got in the water and splashed about for about 2 - 3 minutes, waist-deep. The conditions were shockingly wild, and I didn’t want to push my luck too far by going neck deep. After all, I’ve spent years writing about my swimming anxiety. This is bold for me, but it is who I am trying to become.

Afterwards, I warmed up in my car and thought about the experience. If you described this to almost anyone other than the eight people who were there today, they would probably say it wasn’t for them. “How about this weekend, we go to the seaside? There are 64 mph gusts and torrential rain that feels like being shot at by a hail gun. The air temp feels like -9, and the water is maybe 5c. It will wreck you.” Most people would stay in bed, warm. 99%, I’m sure. Most people wouldn’t even go for a walk on an overcast day, let alone get almost naked in a car park when it feels like -9 out. So, why?

As I pondered the experience, I was reminded of a conversation I had with someone who was into BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism). From my outsider perspective, I never understood why anyone would engage in BDSM. I mean, ow. Why? The way they explained it, though, it was relatable. An experience outside of normal life. Something they had complete control over that helped them focus and to be in the moment. Sounded like cold water swimming. They only needed to say it set them up for the day, and it would be a perfect match.

Their description was fascinating and gave me a good insight into a world I have no real desire to explore. Oh I’ll photograph it if it comes up, because it’s good to be curious. No plans to pop a pair of nipple clamps on though. But was their experience just theirs or was there more to it? I asked science.

BDSM

Bottoms entered an altered state called “transient hypofrontality," which is associated with reductions in pain, feelings of floating, feelings of peacefulness, feelings of living in the here and now, and time distortions. Tops, in contrast, entered the altered state known as “flow” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1991), which is associated with focused attention, a loss of self-consciousness, and optimal performance of a task. We believe that these pleasurable altered states of consciousness might be one of the motivations that people have for engaging in BDSM activities. - Psychology Today

Cold Water Swimming

Research is showing that ice baths increase neurotransmitters that may help improve depression and anxiety. Depression is associated with low levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine. Dopamine enhances goal-directed behaviour, mood, motivation, and focus. Norepinephrine increases energy and focus while contributing to the sleep-wake cycle, mood, and memory. A study showed that after a cold bath, dopamine levels increased by 250%, which lasted 2 hours later. Even more notable, norepinephrine levels increased by 530%. Given that SNRI medications for depression and anxiety also aim to increase norepinephrine levels, ice baths may help depression and anxiety. As well, it is possible that ice baths improve depression through an anti-inflammatory process. - Psychology Today

Huh. Now, I’m no scientist but there’s a few similar words in both quotes there. So I asked ChatGPT to give me a Buzzfeed style list and Venn Diagram.

1. Both involve intense physical sensations that can lead to euphoria.
2. Both release endorphins and adrenaline, creating a natural high.
3. Cold water swimming focuses on health and resilience, while BDSM explores pleasure and power dynamics.
4. Both require mental focus and willingness to embrace discomfort.
5. Cold water swimming is a wellness activity, while BDSM is personal or sexual exploration.

Fascinating, right? They both help in pain reduction, focusing and being in the moment, learning how to deal with discomfort and creating a natural high that sets you up for the day. A few years ago, I pondered whether skinny dipping is good for your mental health because it had similar parallels. It makes me think about a future where science could understand the specifics of what people need to have good mental health. Could there be a day when BDSM, skinny dipping or other activities are accepted by a wider audience because the data shows that they make us healthier? It would be nice to think so.

Eighteen months ago I could barely handle swimming in the lake due to jellyfish, and now here I am dipping in a storm. Anxiety is a silly thing. Never know how it’ll affect you until you’re standing there in sparkly pants waiting to see if it’ll spank you or pat you. Even then, you may find that spanking is what you prefer.

Links

• Legally recognise Non-Binary as a gender - Petitions. Many non-binary people in the UK currently feel invisible and ignored. Therefore, we think this government should seek to reform the Gender Recognition Act 2004 so that it extends legal recognition to a third, non-binary gender.
• Subspace: what is it and how can I get into the zone?. I used to hear people at BDSM clubs talking about subspace, and I don't think I ever got there through anything other than harsh, confusing, rapid fucking.
• Your Brain on BDSM: Why Getting Spanked and Tied Up Makes You Feel High. What happens in your head when you get flogged? Scientific researchers and professional dominatrixes talk about endorphins and all the other neurochemicals that make bondage so delightful.
• iPhone's Action Mode helps people with Parkinson's shoot videos. Apple puts a lot of effort into promoting accessibility with things like the hearing aid feature for AirPods Pro. This...
• Erin's Guide To The Holidays For Transgender People And Family. Holidays can be very hard for trans people. They don't have to be.
• Make it a happy inclusive Christmas - Codebreakers. Make it a happy and inclusive Christmas for everyone. We know not everyone LOVES Christmas. For many adults it’s all about racing round and we might actually get 10 mins peace a quiet and the chance to watch a Christmas re run of one of our favourites, with a glass of something and a tub […]

The most OK time of the year

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Winter! Chilly sunrise dips are the best. As the sun is lower throughout the day, it’s softer and warmer. Everything glows and just looks nicer in winter. The night sky is crystal clear, and there are seemingly more stars out there to gaze at. It’s a magical time of year with only one problem: Christmas.

It’s at this point I would start ranting at Christmas, and how it ruins a perfectly nice season, but you know, I don’t think I will. Why? Because it’s Christmas! ... Well, 30th November technically speaking. The point is, I’ve spent the past 4 Christmas periods overthinking what Christmas is/was/could be and no more.

This season, I simply want to be OK. #YearOfBeingOK. I’d rather be that than annoyed at what something coulda shoulda woulda been. Right? What ruins something is pulling it apart until it’s lost all meaning, and you don’t know what to do anymore. This year, I’ll try and skip that.

I know that being autistic, I’ll struggle with busy city centres, with lots of lights and noise, but at least it’s an attempt to brighten up the world during a darker time. Unlike phone repair stores with brighter-than-the-sun LED signs. Argh, why? Sensory nightmare. Traffic will be worse. Public transport is more chaotic. Cities are harder to navigate. It will be harder, but I understand why, so I can plan around that. I can challenge things where I feel it might do some good, but ultimately, I’m going to try and be cool.

To get this party started, my wife and I went to her mum’s for an early Christmas family meet. We ate, drank non-alcoholic beer, and were merry... until we got norovirus and are now unable to enjoy our Advent Calendars on the 1st. Yay, Christmas of being OK...

Classic Christmas Content

• Christmasticle - It's a Christmas Listicle. Since my dad died 4 years ago I’ve accidentally become a fan of Nordic Christmas. In Iceland in 2017 we drank Tuborg Julebryg for New Year and watched the fireworks outside the Hallgrímskirkja church in Reykjavík.
• Questioning Christmas. Christmas will soon be upon us. Every year I question it. It’s never been easy for me and I understand that part of those issues is down to being autistic.
• What even is this time of year?. As I write this it is the 2nd day of Advent, aka 2nd December… one google later Wait, it’s not. Advent started on 27th November. It’s the 6th day of advent. So, Advent Calendars start on the 1st of December and countdown to Christmas...
• Happy Queermas. After spending the last few weeks wondering, “What is Christmas? Why is Christmas? Who is Christmas?” I bumped into a phrase via BBC 6 Music. Queermas. My brain lit up. Queermas! By Jove, they’re onto something.

Links

• 72% of the trans+ community do not feel safe living in the UK. According to a new report, the majority of trans and non-binary people feel they have been negatively impacted because of their identity
• Why I’m using Reminders as my go-to to-do app. I’ve historically flitted between different ways of tracking deadlines and tasks.
• Photos celebrating the north of England’s trans and non-binary communities. Xanthe Hutchinson’s new photography series extends trans and non-binary representation to reach beyond the confines of London
• Pluralistic: Bluesky and enshittification (02 Nov 2024)
• Erin's Guide To The Holidays For Transgender People And Family. Holidays can be very hard for trans people. They don't have to be.
• Make it a happy inclusive Christmas - Codebreakers. Make it a happy and inclusive Christmas for everyone. We know not everyone LOVES Christmas. For many adults it’s all about racing round and we might actually get 10 mins peace a quiet and the chance to watch a Christmas re run of one of our favourites, with a glass of something and a tub […]
• How to survive festive gatherings as an Autistic adult. Because you deserve to feel magical too!
• Preparing for Christmas as an Autistic Individual - Autistic-Thoughts. Autistic Christmas Survival Guide: Navigating Sensory Overload and Finding Self-Compassion - Explore practical insights for navigating the festive season as an autistic individual. From managing sensory overload to setting boundaries in family dynamics, discover valuable tips for self-care and resilience during Christmas. Embrace a reframed perspective on autistic traits, prioritize energy conservation, and find solace in the understanding that this holiday season, like all things, shall pass. Dive into this thoughtful guide to make Christmas a more manageable and self-compassionate experience for individuals on the autism spectrum.
• Preparing for Christmas: autism resources. A brief list of useful resources for the festive period
• Christmas Survival Guide: 10 Tips for a Stress-Free Festive Season - I AM. For many, Christmas is a magical time filled with joy, excitement, and cherished traditions: exchanging gifts, sparkling lights, decorating trees, visiting Santa, spending time with family, and indulging in festive feasts. However, for some autistic children and adults, Christmas can also be one of the most stressful times of the year. The sensory overload, changes...

Skirts are back

Skirts are back in my life. For a while now I’ve felt too scared to wear them outside, and while the world is possibly worse now, I’m choosing to be defiant and wear skirts again. That said, I skipped wearing one when I went to a comedy club the other day. I wanted an easy night, time off from being judged. However, upon arrival, I found the club quiet and easygoing. In my desire for a calm night and to avoid the judgement of others, I wrongly judged the club.

I need to do more to stop judging/fearing places I’ve never been. That annoying, anxious voice in my head is telling me that “What if?” is exactly what will be, and I should be afraid. Nope, wrong. That future of me being afraid only comes to pass if I accept it. What if I accept another future? Instead of walking into a space looking for confirmation bias of people judging me, what if I ignore everyone because I’m assuming they’re all cool with me? What if I believe that people are mostly fine and that my fear/judgement of them is more of an issue than my skirt?

Nice idea, right? All good on paper. The thing is, as I’ve confidently or casually walked around the city centre, men have angrily beeped their car horns at me, shouted at me from passing vehicles, filmed me with 360 cameras, and in the most casual nonchalant way said homophobic slurs as they walked past me. These experiences leave me depressed, drained and overloaded, causing me to shut down and retreat to a safe space. The anxious voice in my head has reason to be afraid, and yet I have to believe that the world outside is OK if I go out in it. I know it isn’t, but what other choice is there? Sit at home and wait until it is, which it likely won’t be in my lifetime, or get out there and try to make the best of it.

• My Safety Blanket Skirts - The Beskirted Man. I have a certain set of skirts I wear when going out in public and not feeling confident about my skirt-wearing. These are my "safety blanket skirts".

Links

• Trans Day of Remembrance Roundtable: What Chosen Family Means To Us. "When I think about Trans Day of Remembrance and how I've survived to see another one, I know that it's because of my family."
• 4 ways you can use ChatGPT's Canvas mode to improve your daily life. The creative assistant we all need sometimes
• Donate to These 7 Mutual Aid Funds to Help Trans Americans Right Now. These funds help trans folks find safe shelter, obtain gender-affirming care, change legal identity documents, and more.
• This trans-inclusive Christmas ad will melt your heart. "This ad is beautiful and has made this straight cis man cry," said one viewer of the clip set to the Elvis Costello song 'She'.
• The myth of the autistic genius. A major reason my late (pending) diagnosis of autism at the age of fifty is that I'm an idiot. Perhaps that is being unfair to myself, so let's say that I am differently clever. Is that kinder? Whilst during all my years of wobbliness I had viewed my fair share…
• Steps For Transgender People Preparing For Federal Crackdowns Under Trump. Donald Trump has pledged severe federal crackdowns on transgender people. I outline steps for preparing for these challenges, sharing stories from trans individuals who are already taking action.
• Going For a Walk Every Day in a Skirt: How It's Going - The Beskirted Man. My goal is to take a walk every day in a skirt to build up my confidence. This is how I'm coming along with that goal.
• Liverpool Trans Day of Remembrance 2024. Photos from the 2024 TDOR Vigil at the Museum of Liverpool.

5 years of Hello Computer

While working on BlogoWriMo 5 years ago, an event in November where you write and publish a daily blog post, the thought occurred to me that I should start a newsletter. So I did. This week, this newsletter turned 5. Thank you for reading, tipping, emailing, commenting, and supporting the thoughts that probably should have stayed in my head.

Over the past five years, Hello Computer has found its purpose. I’ve documented my struggle with being autistic in a world built for non-autistic people. The process has helped me figure out where being autistic helps me but also where it holds me back and ways to work around it. While thinking about those issues, I realised there was a gap in my diagnosis. Some of the issues I was having were outside the autism spectrum, and after becoming super interested in ADHD because autism, I realised I had ADHD.

During the lockdown years, I had plenty of time to consider who I was/am, and the thoughts led me to realise how important being a curious photographer was/is to me. I work in the arts and culture sector. Being commissioned to photograph new work, meet new people and discuss art and ideas without judgement, without being seen as “weird”, is healthy for me. My autistic side loves cameras, and my ADHD loves the new experience. Put them together, and I function in the world. Unfortunately, it’s a world that requires you to be good at networking and business to be commissioned, which is where my neurodivergent brain fails.

Another realisation I had during lockdown was that I’m non-binary. All those “weird” thoughts that I kept to myself or occasionally talked to with my wife were not weird at all. They had a name and, more importantly, a community. I came out through this newsletter, writing around 6,000 words on my experience. On a good day, I go outside with a colourful beard, lipstick, and eyeliner on while wearing a skirt. It’s usually fine, sometimes incredibly empowering and sometimes depressingly scary.

You could argue that all this should be a diary rather than a public-facing newsletter hoping to have enough paid subscriptions to buy cat food. That might be the healthy thing to do instead of throwing out every thought into the world. I mean, I’ve talked about skinny dipping, pondering being a life model and wondered if going to a naturist beach would be less anxiety-triggering than swimming with harmless jellyfish. There are a lot of thoughts in my head due to ADHD, and oversharing is a classic autistic trait. If you missed me in a thong, enjoy classic oversharing.

While a lockable diary might be better in some ways, it would cause two problems. First, it might imply that these past 5 years have been something I was ashamed to share with the world. I’m not, but I may have been in the past. How would people treat you if they knew you were depressed or anxious all the time? Would I lose work because I openly talked about challenging my body confidence issues by wearing a swimming thong to a New Year’s Day dip? I held back my life because of that fear. “What if?” It is my life’s work to overcome that fear and grow as a person. There is no shame there.

The second reason why this newsletter is more important than a secure diary is because people get to read it. Over the years, I’ve had various emails from people telling me that it’s helped them in some way. This is what I love about writing here, and it’s one of the reasons I’m open about myself. I never figured out I was non-binary, autistic, or had ADHD by staring at kettles. Sure, there are some nice kettles out there, but they didn’t offer me the answers. Personal stories from people who were brave enough to be open about themselves that’s what led me to have a better understanding of myself.

To quote Q from Star Trek.

“...you were open to options you had never considered. That is the exploration that awaits you. Not mapping stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possibilities of existence.” - All good things.

This newsletter it helps me, and sometimes it helps someone else. If there’s any reason as to why we exist, it’s to improve on what came before us. We talk, open up, share, connect, learn and we move forward... sometimes in a thong.

Behind the scenes

Doing a single issue of Hello Computer takes around 6-8 hours.

• 2-3 hours to write/edit
• Find photos in archives
• Write alt-text
• Find links
• Put together in CMS
• Publish
• Promote on social media

The building of the newsletter is always in flux. Currently, I write the bulk of it in iA Writer for macOS, which is saved into Dropbox. At one point, I used Ulysess, which syncs over iCloud so I could edit on any device I wanted. However, I’ve found iCloud Drive syncing to be unreliable compared to Dropbox, so iA Writer became my editor of choice. I use Grammarly on macOS to check the text in iA Writer. It was built into Ulysess, which was nice. Apple Intelligence has proofreading features, but it doesn’t show the changes made, and I would prefer to accept/decline each change.

I rarely have writer’s block, which might be because I write about what’s currently on my mind. Somehow, I write best with music on, even music with words. It’s good background noise that keeps the dopamine flowing and the sensory overload low. The process normally takes a few hours to write/edit around 1,000 words. I never set a word count goal. Pieces generally take shape naturally and are usually around 1,000 words for some reason.

Links are collected in an app called Anybox, which is available on iOS and macOS. No matter what I’m using, I can save a link to an interesting site to easily retrieve when I put the newsletter together. A nice feature of Anybox is that you can customise how it outputs a selection of links. It saves a lot of hassle from copying/pasting each link from the browser.

I use Ghost to build, email and host the newsletter. The CMS is free, but the hosting costs. My portfolio host is pretty good, but Ghost does not run well on it, so I had to use another service. Digital Ocean is great, but it was costing me £20/month. Now, I’m using PikaPods at around £2.50/month. It’s great.

Ghost does not have any template features, but you can make a draft post and save the contents as a snippet. When I make a new post, I use that snippet to get started and fill in the gaps. By crafting the post in the CMS, I can do little bits at a time if I’m having a busy photography week.

Once that’s all done, I schedule/post the newsletter and begin promotion via social media. I’ve tried to find automated ways of doing this, but most services cost money. At the moment, I have an automation in Zapier that watches an RSS feed for a new post and then publishes it to Facebook. On the free account, you can run five automations, and I plan to use those for publishing Hello Computer and Stargazer to Meta platforms. On the good side of the web, I use a service called EchoFeed by indie developer Robb Knight. It’s $25 a year, or $20 if you’re a member of omg.lol. This service will publish to Mastodon and Bluesky for me. There’s also an app for iOS called Crossiant that lets you cross-post to Mastodon/Threads/Bluesky. Posting to social media is messy as hell, and my workflow needs a rethink.

The hardest part of all is growing the audience. For the first half of the year, I was getting two new sign-ups a month. Nothing after July for some reason. In 2021, I managed to get one new sign-up. 1 in that entire year. It’s hard. I’m a newspaper stand in a field where there’s no passing traffic. Would this be easier on Substack? Yes, but they can’t say that their site is Nazi-free. Mine is. My site supports indie publishing and development. It does not line the pockets of tech bros. I’m not alone in doing this. Platformer newsletter also left and has found it harder away from Substack.

5 more years?

What will the 10th anniversary post look like? Will I be a full time writer? Book deal? Free cake? I’m guessing no. I would be completely happy with sustainability. Enough paid subscribers to help with the bills. That would be great. How do I achieve this? More thong photos? No idea. I’ll keep pondering things about living as a non-binary disabled autistic person with ADHD and I’ll try to keep it fun.

Once again, thank you for reading and following along. Live long and prosper. 🖖

LINKS

• “…trans posters were the earliest adopters of Bluesky and.... “…trans posters were the earliest adopters of Bluesky and were able to forge the platform into what it is today: funny
• Are Skirts for Men Truly Groundbreaking and Gender-Defying?. Here, we delve into the historical and contemporary relationship between the garment and masculinity.
• Here’s everything you need to know about the Trans Day of Remembrance vigil. Not A Phase has organised events across the UK to create its largest mass vigil to date
• deleting twitter. good riddance
• Hannah Gadsby, Douglas and Autistic Representation. The importance of Hannah Gadsby and her work for autistic people in witnessing embodied representation, at a global level, is immeasurable.
• Celebrating 40 Years of DaDa And Their Ongoing Fight For Disability Arts - Uncover Liverpool. For 40 years, DaDa has led the way in amplifying Disability and Deaf arts, creating transformative platforms for disabled artists. We spoke with Interim CEO

Screaming into a pillow

I’ve spent the past few days processing the US election, refreshing the BBC website to see something change and reveal that it was a mistake. That hasn’t happened. What has happened is over 73 million people in the US voted, spoke up for, chose, asked, hoped and delighted in giving Trump the power to hurt the disabled, LGBTQ+ people and minority groups. Madonona said it best;

“Trying to get my head around why a convicted felon, rapist, bigot was chosen to lead our country because he’s good for the economy?”

Since the election, I’ve felt quite hopeless. Society feels broken, and I don’t want to be in it anymore. What’s the point? Fascism is taking over the world, not just a country. We’re living in a loop, with each iteration taking more from us each time, leading to climate collapse. Now, I know I’m catastrophising, and I should challenge negative thoughts with evidence, but look at WTAF just happened! 

I’m lost, and I’ve tried to find something to hang on to. First up, if you’re struggling Forbes has some tips on dealing with post-election depression. 

There’s a great quote from the sci-fi series The Expanse that I often think about.

“You followed your conscience in the hope that others would follow theirs. You didn’t do it for a reward or a pat on the head. The universe never tells us if we did right or wrong. It’s more important to try and help people and to know that you did. More important that someone else’s life gets better than for you to feel good about yourself. You never know the effect you might have on someone, not really. Maybe one cruel thing you said haunts you forever. Maybe one moment of kindness gives them comfort or courage. Maybe you said the one thing they needed to hear. It doesn’t matter if you ever know. You just have to try.” - Naomi Nagata. 

Yeah, it’s just sci-fi and a bit idealistic, but it can’t hurt to try. 

Below are a few more things I found around the net while listening to Rage Against the Machine loudly. Stay safe. Take time for yourself. I’m going to continue to share the best of the LGBTQ+ community here in the hope that joy can spread around the internet and combat the bad. If you want to follow the political landscape, I’d recommend Erin in the Morning.

• 189: AIN’ EVEN BEEN PLANTED YET - Laura Olin Newsletter
• When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron /via Kottke.org
• Election Grief Is Real. Here’s How to Cope | Scientific American. Understanding the psychology of ambiguous loss can help people struggling with grief and depression in the wake of the 2024 election results. /via Kottke.org.
• The media failed us on Trump last time - as a queer journalist, I refuse to let it happen again. The media fails us when it doesn’t report Trump’s lies as exactly that. This time around, we must refuse.
• Opinion: We have to keep fighting. 
• Sarah McBride becomes the first out transgender person elected to Congress. McBride, a Democrat who served two terms as a state senator, wins Delaware’s only House seat, NBC News projects.

A queer person travels

By coming out as non-binary, discovering my queer side and dressing in whatever way gives me a dopamine hit, I’ve added to the complexity of going outside. The human world is already complex enough as an autistic person, but adding being a bearded skirt wearer to it, and I’m playing life on hard mode. At home, it’s hard enough, but what about a foreign country where I don’t know what is safe for me?

In 2022, my wife and I travelled around Europe. While in Croatia, I felt very seen, and not in a “You go girl!” empowering way. I felt seen, and it was an oppressive stare that made me hide who I was. That oppressive stare felt at odds with a country known for its naturist beaches and support of FKK, Freikörperkultur or Free Body Culture. How can a society be fine with bobbly beach bits but baulk at bearded “blokes” in skirts?

For our 2024, I only took one skirt that I wore in Paris and planned to wear in Berlin. For the rest of the trip, I would wear trousers and shirts, but from the women’s department because you’ve got to fight the power in ways you can. I needed to feel safe, but still a bit me. There was no nail polish, beard colouring, eyeliner, or lipstick to be seen. I was a masculine-themed non-binary person or a middle-aged man trying to pull off a pink shirt.

That’s how we travelled. Safety first. For the most part, it was fine. Paris was a little weird and distressing in a skirt, but once the skirt was away, I felt OK. I didn’t feel like I was missing out too much. It was weird not having any colourful nails. That was my first step into a much larger world. While on the beach, I wanted to be silly and wear a thong. Plenty of women were, what difference would it make if my bum was in one? Surely, if a woman can go topless at the beach, I can wear a thong.

There’s a strong chance I’m overthinking (me?), and I could have happily worn a thong, nail polish, lipstick and skirts without issue. You only live once. Out and proud! It’s easy to stay strong in your beliefs when surrounded by like-minded people. Try standing alone and telling a country they’re wrong. Unfortunately, I don’t have that strength. While I might be overthinking the issue, I saw little to convince me that where I was was safe.

There were moments, however. On the island of Hvar in Croatia, we sat in a cafe that had a Progress Pride flag up by the till. I thanked the owner, and they said it was rare to see but important to be seen. That was the first rainbow flag I had seen in Croatia. Admittedly, we were only skimming along the coast, but still, it wasn’t like back home in Liverpool where there is a “You are safe here” scheme to make the LGBTQ+ community feel safe in the city.

Another moment was in Split, where I saw two gay men openly dance together and kiss in a public square outside a bar at night. I feared for their safety, but thankfully, no one seemed to take issue with them. It was lovely to see.

Berlin was different. We visited a lovely little queer store called Keller Kreuzberg. My wife bought me a they/them choker from them for my birthday. I asked the person working there whether it would be safe for me to wear a skirt in Berlin. They believed so and said I really should if it was my birthday. Unfortunately, I did not have the confidence to do so, opting for blue trousers and a pink shirt but with makeup and nail polish. In Schöneberg, we found rainbow flags hanging from balconies, cafes serving rainbow cake and a wonderful, safe atmosphere. At one point, a man walked past me and gave me a very pleasant eyebrow raise of surprise. It was a sort of “Oh, I definitely see you. Yes!” While I was processing what just happened, he looked back to check me out once more. He was checking me out, not doing the usual shaking head in disbelief “What is the world coming to?” action most men in the UK do. Now, I’m a happily married person not interested in men, but I took the compliment for what it was.

Brussels surprised me. We were only there one night, but as we walked through the city centre, we saw many LGBTQ+ venues. This wasn’t something I recalled seeing in Bruges, so it surprised me. After poking around the internet, I found Belgium is a very forward-thinking country. Safe enough to wear a skirt in? I can't say as I wasn't that brave.

What’s interesting about our trip is that a report came out last year listing the top Trans friendly countries in the world.

1. Belgium
2. Croatia
3. France
4. United Kingdom
5. Germany

Now, this is just for rights not for how safe it is to walk the streets but it is certainly interesting. I would not have put Croatia up there given my experiences.

What this all means to me is that you cannot be what you cannot see. You can’t be safely out if you don’t see others being safe when they’re out. If you walk around a new place and see a clear sign, like rainbow pride flags, rainbow park benches or everyday rainbow street furniture, then it makes you feel safe. You see the support from the local government and the city. If you don’t see this, if instead, all you see is burly white men wearing gold chains, smoking and glaring at you in disgust on every street corner, then you do not feel safe. Your fear runs wild, and you use the internet for confirmation bias. The result is that it’s more fuel for anxiety to feed on, and you never fully relax into the trip. I felt like I found a balance on this trip that let me move through Europe safely, but that anxious “What if?” voice in my head stopped me from being me when I should have just lived.

An autistic person travels in 2024

Recently, my wife and I travelled. Paris, Berlin, Brussels, Zagreb, Split and Hvar. Three weeks around Europe via train. We skipped Tahiti, as it’s not in Europe. It was a wonderful trip but complex. While I tried to prepare for the onslaught of change and triggering situations beforehand, I’m only a plastic human and prone to breaking. Spoiler: I broke a few times and treated those times as learning exercises rather than abject failures to punish myself over. Learning and growing. I’m a grower and a bit of a shower, so let’s get on with the show.

This was the plan for the trip.

• Train from Liverpool to London - 1 night in London
• Train from London to Paris - 1 night in Paris
• Train from Paris to Stuttgart - 3 hours in Stuttgart
• Overnight train from Stuttgart to Zagreb - 1.5 hours in Zagreb
• 6-hour bus trip from Zagreb to Split - 1 night in Split
• 1-hour ferry from Split to Hvar - 12 nights in Hvar
• 1-hour ferry from Hvar to Split
• 6-hour bus trip from Split to Zagreb - 40 mins in Zagreb
• Overnight train from Zagreb to Ausberg - 1 hour in Ausberg
• Train from Ausberg to Berlin - 3 nights in Berlin
• Train from Berlin to Brussels - 1 night in Brussels
• Train from Brussels to London to Liverpool
• Home

As you can see, that’s a lot of trains and complexity. Before we left I put everything into my travel app, Tripsy and also an Apple Note for backup. Either my wife or myself could email bookings to Tripsy and the app would build the trip for us. Adding places of interest was useful and easy. The idea being that I could research now and when we needed to find food I could handle there was a map waiting for us.

It’s the best app I’ve found, but the 3.0 UI is frustrating. There was a big update during our trip, which threw me off. For some reason, filters had to be set every time you opened the app. It would never open and show you what was around you by default. So every time, I had to reset the filter to where I was and tell it to show me cafes/restaurants. The app became more annoying than useful, and when you’re autistically overloaded, it was not fun to use. Maybe it was me, and I need to learn how to use the app. It’s one of those situations where you only need the app when you’re in the middle of a stressful situation, and that isn’t the time to learn how to use it. Previously, I would use Tripit, but the UI is for LinkedIn fanboys. There are alternatives, but Tripsy is my go-to for now.

Tripsy has an Apple Watch complication and app. I wish it could show the seat/carriage information on the complication. There are a couple of taps to get to that data, and when you’re dragging a suitcase, you want to glance at something, not tap, scroll, tap, scroll. On previous trips, I’ve always used Tripsy, but for whatever reason, I fought with it a lot on this trip.

Whatever app you use, use something to build an itinerary so you can easily glance at it. When you’re overloaded and against the clock you need to have a go to source of information that doesn’t require thinking. Open app, there’s the info and off you go. I can say from experience that this is incredibly important. Even if you think you have a plan for something, double check it and make sure you completely understand before you arrive. This is exactly what happened on our trip.

Our arrival in Berlin, after 12 days of sitting on a quiet beach and not having to make decisions, broke me. The information I had from the Airbnb host suddenly made no sense, and I became completely overwhelmed. Too many people, sirens, traffic, shops, lights, noise, strangers approaching me, strange people talking to nothing, and bad directions caused me to shut down. Everything we tried made the situation worse. We went out the wrong way, couldn’t find the bus, found an alternative bus that we just missed, and it rained. I booked an Uber and got us out of there. This could have been avoided if I had taken more time to read through the instructions and discuss the information with the host. Next time, do not assume the instructions can be trusted and have a backup plan.

This sort of situation occurred a couple of times on the trip. The pressure to decide against the clock with little information caused me to completely shut down, leaving me unable to think and make decisions. I would try and plan for it, but sometimes something happens out of your control. I need to learn to be calm in overwhelming situations... easy. Just imagine floating in a pool of jellyfish...

Being autistic often makes life more stressful than it should be. There are times when I can’t get out of a train station, choose what to wear, know what camera to take on a trip, or pick a milkshake flavour as there are too many permutations to run through while queuing. What it would be like to just travel without overthinking and being overwhelmed. To grab some clothes and a camera and wander. It would be nice, but I overthink whether I’m safe, where I can eat, and all the other worrying what ifs. Does any of it matter? My anxious autistic side believes it does. It keeps me safe but also holds me back. In contrast, my ADHD side says no, as it’s empowered by new and interesting experiences like getting naked and looking at the stars.

Tips for next time.

• Pack less.
• Don’t take clothes for dopamine dressing.
• Take clothes to reduce the stress of travel.
• Make as many decisions as possible before you go.
• Have options so that if something falls through, there’s a safe backup.
• Check directions to everything.
• Know how to navigate transport hubs before entering.
• Try to live in the now. A bad situation at a train station isn’t a memory to live in. It happened. When you can, move on.
• Recognize stress and anxiety, knowing that they’re the real problem in a situation.

Why is sci-fi so binary?

I’m watching a science-fiction show called ‘The Expanse’ set about 300 years in our future when we’ve colonised Mars and expanded to life and work in various parts of the solar system. As you can imagine, a lot changes in 300 years. The outer colonies and Mars develop their own culture. Language evolves. Simple hand gestures change depending what level of gravity you grow up in. Music, art, ideas develop around life in 0 gravity or bio-domes. Technology advances so holograms are common place. Climate change forces costal cities to surround themselves with walls. LGBTQ people appear to be fully integrated in society. It’s a more realistic view of our future than Star Trek, which is a shame because Star Trek had a vision of the future that was quite unique. Men wore skirts.

Trans and non-binary people exist in ‘The Expanse’ universe. The creator explicitly said so, and also highlighted how the future is better able to deal with diversity.

We have a number of non-binary characters who use they/them, but none that are POV yet. Also, most people miss that they’re in the books, because we make zero deal about it. - James S.A. Corey

So if we exist, and we’re normal, where are the male bodied people in skirts?

It got me thinking about other sci-fi series. Babylon 5 is set a few decades before the Expanse and Star Trek: TNG. Fashion follows the gender binary but with slightly tweaked suits. Battlestar Galactica? Nope. Dresses for women and suits for men.

Science-fiction happily shows us worlds filled with aliens, transporters, time travel, interstellar travel and makes it seem normal. We the audience accept those ideas without question. We think nothing of a male humanoid person with a crinkly nose, to indicate they aren’t human, beaming down to a planet in a nice suit to then step through a gateway into the past. If he was in a skirt would it be too much for us to believe?

Science-fiction is often used as a way to discuss contemporary issues in a way that is easier to process and watch than the news. JMS, creator of Babylon 5 and one of the inspirations for this newsletter, said that he didn’t have the answers, only the questions. He put those questions out to us through his show and let us try to figure out the answers. So, were are the non-androgynous non-binary people? Were are the skirt wearing bearded people in sci-fi? It’s a discussion happening right now in modern times. Shouldn’t it be represented in science-fiction?

The closest we have in contemporary sci-fi is The Doctor in Doctor Who, which I know isn’t technically sci-fi more science-fantasy. They wore a kilt in a recent episode and looked incredible, and why shouldn’t they? They’re an alien over 2,000 years and not from this universe. Why would they be beholden to 21st century gender fashion constraints?

This was on my initial mood board, I had kilts on there and men in skirts. Russell sort of said, “It would be great for Ncuti to wear a skirt sometime.” But it was like, how do we introduce that? Do we wait a bit of time before we do that? Because it’s such a big jump from former Doctors. - Pam Downe, Costume Designer on Doctor Who.

The Doctor gives me hope. Maybe in a future episode they will be wearing a skirt and that will make other sci-fi writers take note that non-binary people aren’t always aiming for androgyny. If we can teleport we can wear a skirt.

A non-binary person goes to Paris

Back in 2022 my wife and I travelled around Europe for 3 weeks. Trains, no planes and the occasional automobile. It was my first big trip as a non-binary person and I was not prepared for it. Arriving in Croatia’s capital City of Zagreb in a skirt almost caused a taxi driver to crash his taxi while filming me with his phone. Every street corner had a gold chain-wearing large burly man smoking and staring at me. As soon as I could I bought new clothes and left my gender-pushing outfits in the suitcase. For our 2024 I decided to prioritise safety over boundary-pushing.

In preparation for the trip I removed my queer stickers from my water bottle and my pins from my bag. My nail polish was wiped clean, my beard colour faded and my rainbow Pride Apple Watch strap swapped for blue. I put my visibly queer identity into a drawer at home for safekeeping. Who I am isn’t a layer of clothes and cosmetics, but that does make me a target so off it came.

My idea was to become a relatively boring human so I could avoid feeling anxious the entire trip. I wanted to have a fun holiday. How much fun can you have when you have to conform, blend in, be someone you aren’t, hide and generally feel like the world would reject you if they saw the real you? Turns out, I found a healthy balance even if I missed colourful nails.

Before the trip, I bought a few new clothes that were on sale. I made sure not to buy anything from the men's aisle, but also to buy items that didn’t look too feminine. I wanted to know that I was subverting gender norms without drawing attention to myself. Now I’m not sure a hot pink shirt was the best choice, but I had 0 issues while away so let’s call it a win. My travel clothes were shorts, trousers, shirts and T-shirts in bold colours because I needed something to feel like myself. Everything worked out fine. There was the occasional glance while wearing pastel pink trousers, but other than that I was fine. I was safe.

Mostly.

On our first and only night in Paris, my wife and I had an evening reservation at our favourite restaurant, Le refuge des Fondus. We walked through the streets of Montmartre and I wore a skirt. This was the only time I planned to wear a skirt on the trip because the last time we were there I did and felt completely safe. So why not? The walk was nice. A crisp September evening in Paris. People chatting at tables outside restaurants and the ever-present beam of light from the Eiffel Tower overhead. Lovely. Our 3-week adventure was just getting going.

We arrived at the restaurant and joined the queue waiting outside. A man caught my eye because he was waving an Insta360 camera around on a selfie stick. Did I notice him because I’m autistic and notice everything, or did I notice him because he was looking at me? I thought nothing of it... for a few seconds until I saw him actively film me... with a 360 camera of all things. I moved, so did he. I moved again and so did he. I tried to hide my skirt behind my wife so he couldn’t get good footage and he kept at it. Crossing the street to stand behind a parked car was my only refuge while waiting to enter our actual refuge... des fondus. Thankfully he did not follow me across the road and instead left.

I was autistically wiped out by the experience. My brain was overloaded and it took everything I had to try and enjoy the night. All I wanted to do was go somewhere quiet and put my headphones on. Unfortunately, our favourite restaurant is quite an experience. Two long tables result in you sitting next to strangers. People have to climb over the table to sit on the opposite side. Staff are constantly delivering food and drink. It’s chaotic, busy and absolutely what an overloaded autistic person does not need. Last time I was here, in makeup and a skirt, we made friends with a couple of American women and had a fun night chatting. Instead, I was on fire and wanted alcohol.

Traditionally I would be enjoying a Kir Royale starter drink followed by wine from a baby's bottle. While on ADHD medication I cannot drink, but the doctor said to come off the meds while I’m on holiday. So I could have drank. I could have really drank. Who would I have been if I had? The sort of person who needed alcohol to deal with life, and that was not who I wanted to be.

Those 10 minutes when we walked to the restaurant happily wearing a skirt were lovely. It had been weeks since I openly wore one and I felt free. The past few months have been tough and I have been hiding more and more. Feeling free was refreshing but fleeting. This isn’t how I want to live. Since I came out as non-binary I’ve been trying to be OK with people staring at me in the hope I would someday never give wearing a skirt a second thought. How I do that is by constantly going out in one to become used to it. Yet when there are men like this, it is easier to hide away.

Hiding was not how I wanted to start our adventure. Silly, absurd, whacky, fun was the plan. Good food, a nice walk up to Sacre-Coer and then I was going to pluck up the courage to pose like Marilyn Monroe on an air vent outside the Moulin Rouge. That’s how I saw the evening go. Anxiety therapy has taught me the importance of letting go rather than staying in the past. I can’t change it, so why continue worrying about it? Did this man ruin my night or did I allow him to by continuing to focus on the memory?

By the end of the meal, I was completely out of energy and verging on autistic shutdown. I tried to enjoy the view over Paris, the view of the Eiffel Tower and the company of my wife but I was on edge waiting for the next person to take issue with my skirt. It is no way to live, and exactly why I wasn’t wearing it for the rest of the trip.

As we walked home through the neon-filled streets of Montmartre, with its adult store windows covered in blue movies because the yellow colour had faded due to years of window display, a man approached us. I was pleasantly surprised when instead of having an issue with my skirt he complimented my wife and me on our looks. It was a lovely gesture that made me think that life isn’t all bad and men can be nice. Maybe wearing a skirt is OK? Maybe I can have fun and be silly in a skirt that goes spinny? He then invited us back to his for “cuddles”, to which we politely declined and opted for the safety of Five Guys one milkshake. My skirt had already brought the boys to the yard, at this point, a milkshake was probably OK.

The future

In a couple of months this newsletter turns 5 and I’m left wondering, what was/is/will be this project. Is this a space for me to ponder? Is it good that I have a space to ponder or is it enabling my overthinking brain? What aspects of being neurodivergent and non-binary should I focus on? App reviews? I’m certainly good at being excited by new apps and then forgetting about them, so app reviews?

I’m pondering all this today because I’m going to pause the newsletter through September. I’ll be travelling a lot and it’s going to be tricky to publish anything. Instead of fighting bad wifi, I’m going to sit on a beach and think about the next 5 years of this project.

If you have any thoughts do get in touch. 🖖

Avoiding being overwhelmed by travel

In a few weeks, my wife and I are off to a beach in Croatia followed by art in Berlin. We travel by train because travel by map isn’t supported by iOS yet. That means a train to London, to France, to Germany, to Croatia and then back again. It’s a fair few trains. Now, I love a good train as much as the next autistic person but it’s a lot of trips that can leave me overwhelmed. I have a Nintendo Switch, an OG model, that can help with distraction. I would dearly love a Steam Deck as I could lose myself in Baldur’s Gate for the trip, but they don’t fall out of cereal boxes like they should. So I’m left wondering, what other ways can I occupy my brain?

Books? I’m not much of a reader and I need more stimulus than they can offer. Video games are good because there are visuals, audio, stories, something to get stuck into and ADHD dopamine triggers. I don’t get that from reading. I could take my laptop and edit photos but I like the idea of disconnecting from it for a while. There’s sketching, maybe. That requires something visual to stay still while I draw it, and my go to of life models are possibly problematic on a train.

These things are hard to search for online. Any articles on stim toys for adults are buried under ones for kids. I guess people are writing for those who have money to spend, which is silly because autism is hereditary and kids grow into adults so maybe some guides for adults? When Google isn’t recommending articles on stim toys for kids, it offers shopping results including travel vibrators. I mean, technically yes. An adult stim toy. Sure. Not exactly what I was looking to fidget with on the train though.

I found a few helpful links;

• Travelling by train or bus
• How to Prepare a Person with Autism for Train Travel
• How to Prepare for a Train Journey If You Have Sensory Issues
• Cuddly Weighted Stuffed Animals for Kids and Adults to Hug
• My fidget and stim sensory box! – 21andsensory
• Sterling Silver Fidget Rings – Boho Magic Jewelry
• Magnetic Think Ink Fidget Pen
• ONO Roller - Handheld Fidget Toy for Adults

Essentially I have to be prepared for being overwhelmed. Accept things I cannot do anything about. Have something with me that allows me to focus and block out the rest of the world. A simple plan. So;

• Nintendo Switch (charged, updated and USB battery brick)
• Use the Worry Tree method for dealing with anxiety
• Headphones to block out sound and give me something to focus on
• Facemask. Eyes and mouth. Block out light and smells. Some countries are very smoker-heavy.

I don’t think there is much else I can do. There’s no magic stim toy I can buy to help when I’m overloaded, no magic technique. I have to let go and focus on fun. That’s easy, right?

Taking the case off my phone

Years ago I used my iPhone without a case and without anxiety. Today, despite paying a monthly fee for Apple Care+, I also spend £50 on Apple cases because what if I drop it? What if I drop my phone and the screen gets badly scratched? Rare, but it has happened. Logically I would take it to the Apple Store and have them sort it. What if I can’t get there right away? What if I have to use a phone with a broken screen? What if I have to be without my phone for a while? A case removes this worry. Except, what if I took the case… off?

What if I took the case off and what if I liked it that way? What if I could be OK with having the Apple Care+ insurance cover me in case of any issues? What if I was able to be OK with imperfection in the world, with things not going to plan and I was able to roll with it? What if I was OK instead of not OK?

I took the case off my phone.

It’s OK.

…

But, what if?

I’ve become stuck in the mindset of “What if?”, and it’s debilitating. What if I can just figure out the exact right thing I need to facilitate the thing I’m doing? What if I can’t? It seems so simple, so innocent an idea and yet it is preventing me from so much. The other day I met up with swimming friends but declined to go in the water due to jellyfish. About 10 people got in and had a nice morning while I walked along the water's edge. On the beach, there was a jellyfish that had washed up. I bent over to look at it and poured hot coffee from my flask all down my arm. My concerns over “What if a jellyfish?”, did not account for “What if I pour hot coffee over myself while looking at one?”

I should put my worries in the bin and live, but there are legit concerns. Recently a swimmer, doing the Mersey Cross River Challenge, got stung in the face. No thanks. I’ll stay on the shore with a coffee, where it’s safe. I wanted to do that swim but I had physical health issues. “What if my health got worse? I should rest because what if a client needs me?” At the finish line, I saw a 10-year-old girl, a blind man and a man with MS complete the race. What if I had tried?

A swimmer I know of recently swam from Ireland to Scotland through jellyfish central, at night. It’s one of the toughest swims in the world and nothing short of an amazing achievement. Do you become the sort of person who does things like that by sitting at home worrying about “What if?”

Somehow I’ve forgotten a simple idea. The everyday fear of wearing a skirt in public, of being attacked for being visibly myself, of whether I’m a good enough photographer, of making enough money to retire one day, of what if my cat’s eye gets worse and costs thousands we don’t have to sort? 15 years of being freelance and the career stability of a bouncy castle has made me worry every day about when it will all collapse. Throw in being an autistic person prone to shutdown/meltdown/overload from pressure, light, sound, and people and there isn’t much room in my brain for anything but worry. Everything is a concern. I’ve become filled with fear and because of that I’ve forgotten;

What if it was possible to wonder more than worry?

What happens is you run a marathon because you wonder if you can. You climb a mountain at night because you wonder what the sunrise is like from up there. You see two women swimming in summer swimsuits in January and wonder “Could I?”, and a week later you are. You take up life drawing despite not being able to draw because you wonder what it would be like. You even consider life modelling because you wonder what that would be like. When the simplicity of wonder overpowers the weight of worry it’s possible to live. There are rare times when this happens for me and I live. More often than not worry wins. I wonder, what if it didn’t?

Being invisibly non-binary

I’ve written about how I’m passionate about being visible and not hiding who I am. My hope is others see people like them out in the world, living their lives, and they feel confident enough to do the same. Unless it’s a big queer event like Pride, I never see someone like me on the streets which is why I feel it is important for me to be that person others see. Until this week, when angry white men (and depressingly, boys too) took to the streets of my home city and made themselves extremely visible.

The past 3 years of being out and visibly non-binary have been a shocking revelation into how everyday bigotry is. I’ve faced this from family, people I thought were friends, “nice” folk I followed on social media, “nice” local community folk and strangers. If I feel brave and go out in a skirt in the hope I can change the world I face attacks from men. For 3 years I’ve tried to face this with a smile, but the rioting on the streets has made me very afraid of going outside. I look different. I stand out. I don’t feel safe. I find myself unable to enjoy wandering the streets with a camera anymore. If, on an average day, men are completely fine to attack me on my doorstep what about when they’re drunk and backed by a gang?

On the day of the riots in Liverpool, I was planning on going to Trans Pride in Manchester. A trip that would have required a bus into Liverpool and a train to Manchester. While preparing an even more daring outfit than what I wore to Liverpool Pride, because I’ve got to keep pushing myself, I checked Instagram. There was a post saying that a group of fascists would be shouting at a train station a few streets over from where the Pride March would end. I would be going on my own and even if I dressed down I had a freshly dyed hot pink beard. I’m quite visible and that has made me a target in recent years. I decided, mainly because I currently have quite bad back pain, to skip the Manchester event.

Instead, I went to Liverpool to have lunch with my wife’s knitter friends… I guess technically my friends too. One day brain, you’ll accept human connection… one day. During lunch, the anti-fascist protest came past and I went out to take a few photos. I was instantly photographed by a man with a big camera. I smiled, waved and chose to believe that they were an ally. I have to keep reminding myself that people are mostly good and not to fear folk with cameras, especially as I’m folk with cameras. Yet, it’s exhausting having my daily life become content for others. I’m reminded of the woman who was filmed walking through New York to show all the encounters with men that she had.

Years ago, when I first had my nails painted, I posted on social media about how if I felt scared I could simply take the nail polish off. Today it’ll take me a bit longer to remove hair dye, and nail polish and find something bland in the wardrobe but I can fade into the background. It makes me depressed to do so, but I’ll take that over being attacked.

What if I couldn’t? While I can cosplay as a boring privileged white man to avoid being attacked, what if I couldn’t? All those fears I have because of how I look, what if I couldn’t change how I appear to the world? People are living that right now. I’m scared, how must they be feeling?

With mobs attacking people who are different to them, and people constantly filming me or looking at me with disgust for how I look, I feel unable to live my life in the way I want to. It’s mentally exhausting and I need that energy to do photography commissions for paying clients. The only solution I can see is to tone down my look and cosplay as a bland man. Depressing as that sounds, it would make life easier.

On being visibly you in NYC

I'm going to put a warning before this video because it is upsetting. I haven't had the physical encounters this person has (yet), but definitely the verbal ones.

A day out at Liverpool Pride

After last year’s Liverpool Pride event, which was filled with body-confident people, I wanted to be bold, brave and courageous. Seeing people happily be themselves was inspiring. For some reason, I struggle to be myself. Maybe one day I’ll be at peace with existing and maybe by pushing myself to do scary things I can get there.

I wanted to wear a bold outfit this year. I considered something sheer but ultimately I didn’t have the confidence to walk around in front of my clients in a see-through skirt. Maybe one year, but not this one. After a test run of my shiny swim briefs at Trans Pride Brighton, I had almost found my look. One visit to the local Lucy and Yak store and I was ready for Pride with a rainbow heart-covered pair of hotpants, or maybe they were boxer shorts. I’m not sure but they looked good. I rolled them up into a brief style to show off my perfectly crafted by 20-year-old IKEA furniture bum and was set. Sort of. I just needed the confidence, which isn’t something you can buy in a store. It’s something you get from doing things that scare you. Yay?

I got the bus to Pride in a pair of shorts that nicely covered my outfit. While I wear less at the lake, there’s that weird context issue. People don’t expect to see a male-bodied flat bum on their 9 am bus route. Maybe the world would be a nicer place if that was a regular thing. Let’s start a movement! Bottoms 4 posterity? 🤷🏼

When I got to the city I went to the best cafe around, Lovelocks, and got changed in their bathroom. Dropping my shorts in a public space seemed a little weird, so a bathroom it was. Standing there, looking at myself in the mirror, I thought “Nope. This is silly. Too silly. I should put the shorts back on.” But then I thought “Screw it. A migraine could occur and send me right back home before anyone saw anything.”

I walked out of the bathroom and proceeded to leave the cafe. The bathroom was of course at the back of the room and I had to walk past everyone. My arse was at their breakfast eating eye line. 🍑😬🥣 At least one table photographed me while I was waiting for takeout, and also filmed me while I was sat outside. It’s incredibly hard to relax and believe that they are filming you for the best possible reasons. I have to believe people are good or I’ll never go out. So I waved, and they said “Have a nice day.” I was officially out as a person with a bum. Who knew it was there all this time?

The 5-minute walk to the muster point was not a walk of shame, but confidence. It wasn’t a confidence in my stunning hot non-binary figure, but in my confidence to overcome my anxiety. The RNLI motto is “With courage, anything is possible.” A motto I’ve taken to heart over the past few years. Courage isn’t about doing incredible things. It’s about facing your fear and learning to believe that you can be yourself. That was in my heart, which was completely in my throat, as I walked to the muster point filled with thousands of people.

Arriving I found nothing happened. There were no screams. I wasn’t escorted off-site. I bumped into some clients of mine, chatted while my bum was squished in/out of a pair of hot pants, photographed them and wandered off to find other people to talk to. It did not occur to me until later that their lasting memory of that conversation may have been my bum. Oh well. Next time, back away carefully into the crowd. But(t), there I was happily chatting to people I knew like it was any standard event and nothing was different about me. I think this is that ADHD > Autism thing where my ADHD sort of suppresses my autistic issues and helps me do things I normally wouldn’t. Adrenaline, yeah!

Several men in stealthy street photography black outfits, desperately trying to go unnoticed at the most colourful event of the year, did photograph me. A few people asked for usies (selfies with others) with me, which is always lovely. Surprisingly I’ve not seen any photos of me, and I’ve looked. Nothing on Threads, Facebook or Flickr, and Instagram doesn’t let you sort by recent any more so that’s useless. My arse didn’t even make the local news. Bum. I was definitely photographed by men with bulky cameras, so what happened? It would be nice to see some but more importantly, what was I worried about? My anxiety was telling me I can’t do something and the response from the world seems to be “Whatevs.” If anything my hot pink beard distracted people from looking downstairs. I got many, many, ok this is getting silly, too many, omg seriously stop, no keep going, comments on my beard.

Once my ADHD took off I was running, walking, dancing, and photographing all over the place without a care in the world. I photographed everything without overthinking. From a woman waving her massive cock around to some adorable dogging. All while in snug-fitting hot pants.

Where is this energy every other day? Why aren’t I always this version of me? No overthinking, sensory issues, or anxiety. Simply the best of me. Confident, chatty, fun, extroverted (??), me. How do I turn those few hours at Pride into a productive career that pays enough to have a retirement plan? I can walk around with my hot soft buns on show but a sustainable career seems an impossible goal to achieve.

To put it into context. The day after Pride I attended a small community event to congratulate someone on an incredible achievement. I was overwhelmed by it all. Too much visual and auditory noise. Too many people, which wasn’t a lot in comparison to a Pride March of 20,000, but too many for me in that moment. The adrenaline goes and I’m left dealing with autistic issues of sensory overload, not knowing how to be around people, anxiety and overthinking. I had to leave and sit alone with noise-cancelling headphones on. What must it be like to be OK every day and be able to live rather than have to find rare isolated moments that help you come alive?

For this disabled autistic non-binary skirt-wearing colourful beard beard-owning person with ADHD, life is messy. Occasionally though, it is fun, silly and absolutely worth facing fears for. Until next year Liverpool.

My first visit to Brighton Trans Pride

This week I accidentally found myself not far from Brighton on the day that Trans Pride Brighton was to occur. I binned family plans and set off on my own to experience the event. It’s the biggest Trans Pride event in the country. Around 15,000–30,000 people come out to support Trans rights. I’d say it was as busy as Liverpool’s everyday Pride event for all LGBTQ+ people.

I wanted to challenge myself and become more confident in what clothes I wear. Drawing inspiration from Liverpool’s Pride event last year I wanted to wear something daring, bold and cheeky. Bum cheeky. My initial thought was a sheer skirt but I kept thinking “No one wants to see that.” Thoughts like that come from the patriarchy. Someone on Reddit said;

I did used to think it was wrong to wear leggings without a skirt or something covering my butt, but modesty culture is rooted in misogyny. I stopped caring the second I realized I was pandering to shit opinions.

Bum, it was. But how? I didn’t want to have it completely on display like some people at Liverpool Pride, more to highlight it. I figured I could pop my sparkly swim briefs over the top of my Pride mini-leggings. In theory, yes, a plan. In reality? Could I walk through the city of Brighton in my swimming briefs? I could if it was technically a beach and others were also in swimwear, but a city centre? I wanted to try.

Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.

I popped a skirt on over my outfit so I didn’t offend anyone on the train there and headed to Brighton. When I got to the meeting area I was surprised to see most people were in fairly tame outfits. Loud, colourful and fun pride outfits but I expected Brighton to be the most outlandish Pride in the UK. Very few people in leathers, kink wear or dog masks. I was not feeling brave enough to whip off my skirt and show off my sparkly bum.

With 10 minutes to go before the parade set off, I decided to go for it. Somehow… how do you casually take off a skirt in the middle of a public street without it seeming weird? Well, you just do it seems, and I just did. I was standing, in Brighton city centre, wearing mini-tights with sparkly briefs and a rainbow-themed shirt.

As I moved through the crowd I expected a police person to tap me on the shoulder and say “No.” It never happened. It took a while to relax but eventually, I did and forgot I was wearing them… until I was bending over to get some photos and found areas felt the breeze more than they should. At no point did anyone say “No one wants to see that.” People commented on how good I looked. Folk I met at the start of the event, who I spoke to about my sparkles, were happy to see me being brave. Out and proud. Really out.

It felt great pushing myself this way, to challenge whatever stupid thoughts were stuck in my head. I walked around for over an hour in my outfit, talking to people and making portraits. It was a wonderful afternoon. This year I was planning on physically and mentally pushing myself to swim across the River Mersey. Unfortunately, my physical health has taken a dive and I am not strong enough to safely do that swim. I’m glad that there are other ways for me to push myself and to do things others may not. Will I wear this to Liverpool Pride next week? My home at an event where my clients go? … I’d like to say yes, butt…

A few more portraits from Trans Pride. The last is NSFW.

Autistic burnout

After a relaxing, when not faced with men staring at me, few days at a beach in Wales I returned home to crack on with daily life only to find myself intensely agitated. Everything was wrong and I had no time for anything being wrong. When I asked the smart speaker to turn itself up a little, it went to 100% and couldn’t hear me shouting at it to turn back down. My reaction was to rip it from the power cord and I nearly threw it at the window to get rid of it. Similarly, when my car audio kept failing due to some Skoda / Apple issue, I wanted to punch the screen till one of us bled. My messy office was too much. My autistic side requires a certain order to the workspace which my ADHD forgets, resulting in chaos. I couldn’t take being in that space, and with nowhere else to work in the house I was broken and teary. This was after a restful few days on holiday.

Feeling exhausted, angry at everything and with no patience I knew there was something wrong. What though? Post viral fatigue? It certainly had its moments while I was away. A 10-minute walk along the beach promenade was very tiring. While I was unable to go on the big hikes, runs or swims I did feel content resting with a nice view. I never felt angry because I couldn’t do something the others could, never angry because of my limited energy. Whatever anger I was feeling when I returned home had more to do with being on edge. It was as if my fight or flight system had been triggered by something, turned on and would not turn off.

Was it a result of being away from the safety and routine of home mixed with having to deal with unending social interaction? Could it have been one too many ice-creams? Maybe I was too stressed over swimming in jellyfish-filled waters? It may have been a result of weeks of stressing about jellyfish season. There’s a chance I was unconsciously stressed because work has been slow for about 6 weeks and has given me too much time to overthink. Could it have been because I started the week back home with a man taking a photo of me in my rainbow towel robe on my doorstep while loudly saying “He’s even got his fucking nails done!” That could have done more harm than I realised to my mental health and pushed me into full-on burnout. Any of these things could. I’m easily stressed and prone to overthinking.

After a quick Google of the symptoms I bumped into “autistic burnout” and it felt like that fit. I’ve written about it before, and this felt similar to that time a few years ago. Maybe I should have followed my advice. It’s a good example of how we can only do so much in the moment, despite having read up on how to better deal with being who you are. Should I have seen this coming?

As someone who has spent their life dealing with migraines without knowing what the trigger is, I’m left wondering if there is any point in trying to unpack the past week. Should I accept that it was a thing that happened, and will happen again? When migraines occur I take meds, rest and recover, and move on. Should I do that here? Something happened. Rest, recover and move on. That seems like the healthiest option, however, I’m getting tired of being unable to simply live.

What would it be like to wake up, go swim without issue, do a decent day’s work, never have people film you because of how you look, not be thrown off by decision-making, be able to hear people clearly, and function every day? While I should accept that I’m autistic, that I’m disabled, it’s often hard when there are times like this when I feel somehow more autistic than normal. Am I at my limit? Is that what my body is telling me? I can swim a little, do a few commissions, and travel a bit but not be busy like a “normal” person.

This might be depression creeping in, but it does ask the question; Am I more disabled than I think?

Being OK … while naked?

Every time I go to the lake to swim my mind races with thoughts of what could be in the water. I often bump into objects while swimming there. Seaweed, ropes, bottles and the dreaded harmless jellyfish. My swim friends have pulled all sorts out of there including metal fences, shopping trollies, sunken boats and bikes. There is actual cause for concern, but then the same could be said for crossing the road and I manage to do that OK.

Overthinking is an autistic superpower, and so very hard to control. As I swim I have to stop myself from worrying about what I may touch when my hand enters the water. Every single stroke brings another chance to bump into something and I am constantly working to ignore those thoughts. It isn’t just a case of “What if I bump into something?” but really “What if I bump into something in the middle of the lake and I have no escape?” This is what happened last year and I seriously struggled to swim with the harmless jellyfish. Even writing this is making me feel anxious and tense. That irrational fear, no matter how much I understand it, is debilitating. My mind and my body are in complete agreement. “Fuck no.”

There is no childhood trauma to explain this. Not even any adult trauma. For whatever reason my brain does not want to bump into something while swimming in the middle of the lake, with no escape. Exposure therapy may help with it but the only way to do that is to trigger the terror and learn to deal with it. I… I just can’t. Whatever this is, is so strange. I would happily walk naked into a cold lake in Wales, but I would struggle to get into a lake with jellyfish even if I was in a wetsuit.

I pondered this the other week. Is this autistic sensory overload preventing me from swimming with jellyfish? Can I happily do skinny dipping because my dopamine level is rising and my ADHD really wants to do something? Is it possible to weaponise that ADHD power to do things? I’m not sure it could overcome the feelings of terror I experience with jellyfish, but could it be used to do things?

One of those things I’ve thought about is life modelling. I enjoy sketching life models, or do I? Maybe it’s just an ADHD dopamine thing and when that fades so will my interest? shrug There’s something about seeing a person completely naked that I find so fascinating. Perhaps because we rarely do it in the “normal” world? While I was sketching the other day I was getting lost in the lines, curves, light and shadow of a completely naked woman, noticing the way the body looked in the afternoon light. To just sit there and look. Fascinating. It’s not like you can go to a gallery and do this because most paintings or sculptures of naked people are, historically, through the male gaze. I don’t want to view the world through those eyes. I want to view it through mine, which is hopefully a queer gaze.

Those thoughts led me to wonder, what would it be like to be the model? Would it be as terrifying as swimming with jellyfish or would it be more like my first cold water dip experiments? Back in January 2020 I first dipped into cold water and was surprised to enjoy it. A curious moment that put me in touch with my body in ways I had not experienced before. Would being a life model be something my brain would want to escape from in the moment, or would it find it curious? It’s hard to know because there aren’t any opportunities to test it out like there are cold water dipping. You can’t casually ask a friend to draw you naked.

Given how wellness is the wanky word of the 2020s, and how popular cold water swimming or forest bathing is it is surprising that body positivity isn’t a bigger thing. Naked Yoga was a fleeting idea a few years ago. There’s a class in New York that sounds wonderful.

We aim to hold safer spaces where people can take a collective journey through fear towards self-discovery, compassion, and empowerment.

That could easily describe cold water dipping. When I looked for classes in my area I found none, only a couple in London. How come people are happy to get into ice-cold buckets but not do naked yoga, for the same reasons of empowerment? shrug A few years ago I jokingly had similar thoughts about skinny dipping. Maybe there is something to it all?

As I write this I’m prepping to go on holiday to Wales for a few days. It just so happens I’ll be down the road from a naturist beach and the thought occurred to me, could I? Could I test my brain by going to that beach and seeing how my brain handles walking around naked? A wild idea that, realistically, I’ll probably never be brave enough to try, but I feel less anxious thinking about that than I do swimming with jellyfish.

Is it time for me to admit that I can’t handle open water swimming after 4 years of trying? It’s a fear I’ve been facing and not overcoming. Time to face a new fear and maybe overcome that? One that involves being naked in front of strangers? Um…

Being OK

I had plans this year. Not many, but there were a few big things I wanted to do. I hoped to live, that’s the main one. Over the past few years I’ve been doing big challenges like climbing a mountain at night, running a marathon, being photographed for a national newspaper article on anxiety, or skinny dipping in a cold Welsh lake. When I’m on my deathbed I want to look back and know that I lived rather than regretted.

That was my plan for 2024, to live. I was going to swim the River Mersey as my big challenge. Could I overcome the anxiety of swimming far away from land in strong currents? Could I become fit enough to do so? That was my aim. Unfortunately, I find myself doing 20–30 minutes of exercise and spending the rest of the day, sometimes two days, recovering. Covid-19 has kicked my arse. When it’s not that I’m having a gout flareup or a migraine. 2024 just isn’t coming together.

It’s only June so I should give myself a break. There are still 6 months left in which to do something. Perhaps something that isn’t overly physical so I don’t pass out midway through? There’s plenty of time left in the year. So I should give myself a break. Stop seeing what I’ve missed and look to what I could do. Maybe even be OK with doing nothing grand this year and instead getting lots of little things done? It’s my year of being OK. That should be enough.

Is it OK to want more dopamine hits?

So last time I mentioned that I may feel less anxious being sketched or photographed naked than I would swim with jellyfish. What does that mean? I’m amazingly confident. Maybe? More likely it’s a result of ADHD dopamine from doing something risky. That may explain the feeling I got when wearing a thong to a New Year dip, or the boost I got from doing life drawing for the first time. The question is, how to use this wisely?

ADHD can be useful in quickly getting you into something new. I remember in the 90s at uni I printed off everything on PHP from the site Webmonkey and quickly learned how to code in it. (Excitement + interest) x ADHD = Results! Unfortunately, I can use it on everything. I’m currently researching a new kitchen tap. Not a sexy subject. My brain is being sluggish and my Autistic side is getting lost in all the details meaning I can’t make a decision. When it works, it’s incredibly useful. For example, I’m writing this while scoffing brekkie because my brain lit up with ideas this morning.

Getting into new things that your brain seems to want to do is great. Feels good and you learn more about yourself and the world. Once you’ve learnt something you want more. You keep exploring. Sometimes these passing interests stick, like wild swimming or life drawing. Other times they replace the previous thing you were super into making it seem like you were never into it at all.

A while back I wrote about why I never seemed to miss anything. Now I understand it’s ADHD sort of overwriting interests. While I had foot issues I didn’t miss running because I couldn’t see it, remember it, and had time to do new things. When I’m out and I see others running I miss it because my brain suddenly becomes interested in what’s in front of me. The danger here is getting into something, then seeing something new and getting into that 1 week later. During lockdown, I wanted to get into playing the Ukulele because I saw someone doing that on Twitch each day. Had I done so there would be an abandoned Uke next to my abandoned longboard.

Now of course, for an editorial / short-term documentary photographer, this is a real superpower. Curiosity + passion + strong ability to soak up info + empathy + camera = good work. Not so good for long-term project work because chances are you’ll get distracted after a few months and find your brain working against you to finish the project. This is why I struggle with video and prefer stills. Quick dopamine hits instead of trying to push through lots of tasks to get something, maybe. If this is you, lean into those short-term projects.

This childlike wonder and excitement is one of the best parts of ADHD. But the fleetingness of it and the dopamine hit, makes me wonder. Back to the thong.

A few years ago, while on a beach down south, I saw women walking around in bikinis. As a non-binary person who no longer sees any reason to believe that clothes are only for one gender, it got me thinking. “Why does society accept women’s bums in a tiny bikini, but not men’s? Maybe it does but men don’t even try because its bikini bottoms aren’t for sale in the menswear section?” Turns out they are, on ASOS. I bought a pair and an entire year later felt confident enough to try them, on a beach far from home. That said, I have a colourful beard so even 300 miles from home if the description of a “man” with a purple beard in a thong makes the news I’m sure friends know it’s me.

My first time out, like really out, in them felt great. I felt empowered. I was pushing boundaries, changing minds, and being cheeky. Swimming in them was wonderful. It was like I was wearing nothing at all. Nothing at all! I swam from an empty part of the beach to a busy part and walked out the sea like James Bond merged with a Bond Girl into the body of James Corden. Standing on the beach with my bum in full view of the world was not embarrassing to me. It’s not even a good bum that I was secretly hiding away. It’s been shaped by carbs and sitting for years. The world was deprived of nothing and yet there it was for all to admire. I hope people were admiring a confident person, not years of carb intake being held back by overstretched flab. Anyway… I felt great. Really great.

Or did I? Was I genuinely feeling empowered in a way that I could change the world, or was I simply high from dopamine? Fast forward 6 months and at New Year I wanted to wear the thong again. Anxiety took over and I wore my Speedo briefs to the big New Year dip. Over 100 swimmers and dippers were there with their families and friends. I saw women in bikinis running into the water and thought “Fluff it. Their bums are OK to be seen. Mine should be. You wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts.” I quickly switched into my thong, under the sparkly dress I was wearing which I then whipped off to reveal my New Year attire. The tide was out so I gracefully walked past a looooot of people to eventually splash around in the water. My friends were shocked, laughed and asked whether I was doing it for a bet. I said no, that I was simply seizing the moment.

Or was I? Was I genuinely feeling empowered and seizing the day carpe diem style, or was I simply high from dopamine? Is it possible I was doing both and that’s OK? Everyone who was dipping that day was seizing the day as best they could. I was going a level up, and that’s my concern. Having done that what’s next? Running naked into the sea at New Year so I feel alive? What about the year after? Naked dash from my house to the sea? After that? Naked egg and spoon race to the sea?

Knowing how ADHD sort of works for me, I worry that I’ll be super into something for a moment and then need something new to trigger that dopamine-excited interest feeling. If I somehow normalise wearing a thong, my brain may no longer give me a dopamine hit from wearing one. Sure, it’ll be great to have used my ADHD to normalise male bums in thongs and I will have successfully changed the world, but I think my brain will want more. This is the repetitive trigger that social media relies on. Those systems want you to feel that dopamine increase so you keep scrolling. It feels good to endlessly scroll content. Social networks have abandoned chronological feeds that you were once able to catch up on and essentially complete, and replaced them with endless algorithms. Systems that learn what you like and continuously show it to you. Never-ending special interest dopamine-triggering content mixed with ads. These people have weaponised that feeling I like from being interested in things, and a part of me is fine with that because I do like it.

That’s the danger. Leaning into ADHD dopamine highs in the “wrong” ways. Which are? Well, hard to know because you feel good. People with ADHD often exhibit addictive personalities. Video games, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. I’m fortunate in that video games are my main vice. Thankfully digital games take up no space at home, but they do cost me money and I rarely finish anything because something new comes out. That addiction is there. It feels good to buy a new game, even if I don’t get around to playing it. I’m aware of that and yet, new toy! This is the same reason why I repeatedly check the news throughout the day, and I need to block news sites. Something new? Yes, please! Sugar also plays into this. I’m better than I used to be but in my 20s, when I was unknowingly depressed, sugar was my friend. It kept me happy, but it was so fleeting I needed lots to get through the day. I put on weight, and put holes in my teeth and at 45 I still battle with that because why give up something that feels good?

There are definite issues I’m more aware of now, and being aware of them helps me question my actions. Am I doing something because this is genuinely me seizing the day for real positive reasons, or am I doing something just because it feels good? Am I standing on the beach in a thong because I’m trying to change the world, or selfishly soaking up a dopamine high? I think it’s healthy to ask that question so I can understand how to use this feeling for the right reasons. If it helps me work and if that work helps others, why question it? Let’s go!

Sensory overload vs dopamine rush. Who wins?

In a few weeks, it will be jellyfish season. Now, I’m not one to overthink or catastrophise about the future, but if I were I might be starting to worry. Last year was a challenge swimming in the lake with the harmless moon jellies. I was constantly on edge, anxious and pretty terrified. There was no point where I overcame that fear to realise there was nothing to be afraid of. In a few weeks I’ll have to deal with that fear once more. Not that I’m catastrophising…

Over the past few months of ADHD medication titration, I’ve experienced euphoria and proper dopamine hits. These moments have caused flashbacks to previous naturally occurring dopamine hits such as skinny dipping or going on an adventure hike in torrential rain. With the upcoming jelly terror season I’ve been trying to work out why I’m not getting the dopamine hit, only fear.

Research suggests that cold water swimming can give you a 250% boost of dopamine and is a great way to start the day. A fascinating experience, one that wakes you up and makes you feel connected to your body and the environment. Having experienced medically induced dopamine hits, the feeling I get from cold water swimming isn’t as strong. There have been a few times when it has been. That time when I ran into the bay water wearing nothing more than a thong, or times when I’ve skinny dipped. Those are certainly times when I’ve come out feeling alive and buzzing with energy similar to the effects of ADHD medication.

Unfortunately, by summer time we’ve lost the benefits of cold water swimming and are just swimming, but with jellyfish. That rush and sharpness of the cold water that gets your heart racing has gone. Floating about in nice warm water, and watching the clouds pass by is a lovely thing to do. I feel better for it, but I don’t feel alive in a way that makes me want to rip a telephone book in half and attack the day with positive vibes. So maybe during summer, I find it harder to face my fears because I’m lacking in dopamine and nothing is triggering a boost?

It is also possible that my autistic side takes over a bit more with the lack of dopamine. I may be more easily affected by sensory overload from the feeling of the harmless jellyfish. Every single bump is as if the jellyfish really are stinging me and I desperately have to get out. It’s hard to overcome that. Autistic sensory overload isn’t just everyday anxiety. If I’m on edge then everything is against me. Water splashing on my face, the sound of people passing by or traffic, and the brightness of the sun all contribute to being overloaded. Finding myself on the other side of the lake surrounded by harmless jellyfish with a 10-minute swim to endure, panic. Absolute panic. Autistic overload completely takes over.

I’ve discussed this fight between Autism and ADHD before in this newsletter. The AuDHD lived experience is a constant internal battleground. I wish it wasn’t some days. How can I run into the water in a thong in front of over 100 people without being afraid, and then have a panic attack from bumping into a harmless jellyfish? Is it a fight between dopamine and sensory issues?

Intellectually, this is all quite fascinating. To think that as someone with social anxiety issues, I would feel happier in a thong in front of people than touching a jellyfish. In my 20s I had to give up going to my local Blockbuster Video store because I had a conversation with a staff member there. My social anxiety was so bad I could never go back. What would I say to them? What if I said the wrong thing? It was too much, and yet today… thong me up. It is fascinating.

There’s a part of me that wonders if I’m not listening to my body. Maybe the lesson here isn’t that I should work out how to overcome my issues of swimming with jellyfish and sensory overload, but rather that I should be looking for those dopamine-triggering moments that make me come alive. Over the years I’ve been noticing that there are things I can do that others can’t. For that reason, I should lean into them and see where they go. Maybe I need to wear a thong while swimming with jellies, or maybe nothing? Maybe I need to run around the lake, past the Burger King naked (insert joke about Whopper and some buns here) to get that dopamine surging through my body so I can swim? Maybe swimming with jellies just isn’t for me and I should accept that rather than fight it.

Oddly though, combining my ability to run around in a swimming thong and having done a few life drawing sessions, I think I would feel less anxious about sketched naked than I would swimming with jellyfish. Maybe going as far as to even be photographed that way. That’s how weird this is.

I never asked to be this person. Unlike video game characters I couldn’t choose my abilities when I was created. Instead we humans have to explore who we are, to be the best we can be. Exploring what triggers anxiety, sensory issues and dopamine helps me find my path through life. What would it mean if I was happier naked in front of creative people than swimming with jellyfish? Is that the lesson I’m meant to learn, or am I meant to overcome my fear of the water? I’m not sure the takeaway is to run into a very public lake naked during jelly season.

Banking Follow-up

Late last year I looked into various banking options. I’ve been with Barclays since they gave out free mobile phones to students in the 1990s and I’ve never been able to manage my money. Wondering whether there were better options, I checked and found Starling and Monzo. I wrote about their differences a few months ago, but ultimately switched to Starling for my business account.

6 months on, how is it going? Amazingly well. I’m managing money like never before with the Spaces feature. Any time an invoice is paid I can quickly send 20% to my Tax space and 10% to my computer savings space. In just 6 months I managed to save up for a £3,000 MacBook Pro. A year ago I had no idea how I was going to find that sort of money to get a new computer. Previously I would pop it on a credit card and fight to pay it off.

This is a life-changing experience. I know people would say that it’s the obvious way to buy things, but the mental overhead for a neurodivergent person is huge. Barclays would have required me to open an entirely new account with everything that entails. Starling, I make a new Space in minutes and I’m done.

I plan to switch my personal account over at some point but I became stuck. Starling does not offer a savings account and I have a small savings pot. Monzo does. However, do I want 2 apps or is it better to have everything in one? It might make sense to have 2 so I can quickly know whether the notification is related to business or personal finances. It is more to manage though. Which is why I’m stuck in a classic autistic can’t see the wood for the trees conundrum.

One day, I’ll make a decision. I did with my business account and that’s been great… hasn’t it? I just wrote this post about how great it’s been so it must be. Except… About a month ago I found a secret third option I never even knew to consider called Mettle. It has the same features as Starling with one bonus, FreeAgent integration. FreeAgent is the online accounting software that I’ve been using for 15 years. If I had switched to Mettle, not Starling I could save £150/yr and have better integration between my banking and accounting. Doh! Maybe another day because it took me months to update my bank details with some finance departments.

Any neurodivergent person should look into Monzo, Starling or Mettle for their work or personal finances. I highly recommend it.

Elevating queer joy

The above photo perfectly sums up my Eurovision experience. The stage is lit with trans flag colours and a Ukrainian singer performs to Liverpool. Eurovision 2023 was a special time.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve struggled with whether to show any support for Eurovision. On my professional Instagram, I started posting photos from Liverpool in 2023, but as the news in Gaza worsened I felt like I couldn’t continue. However people told me I was showing support for what Liverpool and Ukraine created. That was reason enough to continue. Looking back at those photos, I teared up. A year ago people came together to help Ukraine and make something wondrous. It was the best of Eurovision, Liverpool, and Ukraine and it felt like the future. For 10 days Liverpool was the future. No crime. No hate on the streets. Joy and acceptance were everywhere. I wore a sparkly dress on 3 different days without any issues. The UK’s 2018 entrant, SuRie, sang ‘This is Me’ from The Greatest Showman at an event I photographed.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

That song was my Eurovision experience and it felt like she was singing it to me, to the queer people in the room, to the city, to everyone. For 3 minutes a stranger took my fears, turned them completely upside down and gave me power.

Afterwards, when I asked for a selfie, she said she’d seen me all night and I looked incredible. Me! She’s the headline act and she’s saying that to me! It meant so much to me and I was riding a high for weeks. I play that song every time I wear a skirt to go out into a city.

Yet, on Friday I felt depressed. What we made last year, was gone. That simple idea of being “United by music” was so fragile it broke. I broke. Why was there another war in the world? Why wasn’t Russia backing down? Why were more trans rights being eroded? Did we go back to the office on Monday after Eurovision, say how nice it was and then get back to fear and hate? Why didn’t that united feeling endure? I was so upset at the world.

Out of nowhere, well it was a coronal mass ejection (CME), something magical happened. The sky lit up and all over the world people curiously lifted their heads and looked up in wonder. A G5-level geomagnetic storm created an aurora borealis, seemingly everywhere. Every social network lit up with images. Every conversation was about this event. I chatted to strangers on the beach who had seen something on Facebook and came out because they were curious. The sight of so many people looking up to the sky restored my mood. Maybe we can come together? Maybe curiosity in that which we don’t understand can unite us.

Saturday evening arrived. I chose to watch the show because I hoped it could be something that united us once more. Irish entry Bambie Thug was the first non-binary artist of the night. For the first time in Eurovision history, there were non-binary entrants. Bambie Thug was amazing to watch. Strong witchy power combined with the end reveal of a trans dress. Incredible. In their final moment, a giant sign appeared behind them saying “Crown the witch.” A subversion of the old saying of “drown the witch” from when people used to drown women for standing up to the patriarchy. I loved their performance.

An hour or so later the second non-binary artist performed. For Switzerland, Nemo with the song “The Code”. This was my choice to win. The song was a discussion of how they discovered their non-binaryness, a song that spoke to me. Not only was the song my lived experience, but they wore a pink skirt on stage. I wear pink skirts! I saw myself represented. It reminded me of the joy from last year, feeling connected to people through shared lived experiences. So much queer joy. I was nearly in tears watching them perform. So happy to see them there.

Somewhere between the O’s and ones
That’s where I found my kingdom come
My heart beats like a drum

It me!

When it came time to reveal the judge’s choices I was nervous. I thought Croatia would win because it’s a good fun catchy song. No issues from me if they won. I liked it, but I wanted Nemo to win. It would be so powerful. Country by country gave 12 points to Switzerland and I felt as nervous as Nemo looked on screen. Could this happen? Then came the public vote and it looked less likely. Croatia had a big lead… but then it happened. Switzerland got the points they needed and won! Nemo won! Yes! Oh, it was incredible to see. Someone who identified like me, and wore clothes like me, won. France was straight in with a hug and after that was Ireland’s Bambie Thug, the only other non-binary artist. They ran over to hug Nemo and they crowned them. They crowned the witch! Unbelievable. What a moment of queer joy.

Today, as I write this, Nemo’s story is everywhere. Every newspaper, local and national are discussing the non-binary artist who won. “What is non-binary?” “What was the flag they held up?” “What was the song about?” There’s power in that connection. Not enough to change the world in one night, but maybe enough to chip away at fear and hatred causing people to be curious about the world once more. Today I feel hopeful once more because Europe came together and elevated non-binary joy. We can lift our heads and look up, if only for a night. We can come together. Can’t we?

• Nemo’s First Interview after winning the Eurovision Song Contest 2024! 🇨🇭 - YouTube
• Switzerland cracked the code: Nemo is found
• Nemo from Switzerland: “The Code has unlocked me musically”

AuDHD - The internal fight between ADHD and Autism

In 2018 I received my autism diagnosis. I was relieved as it explained a lot about my life. By 2021 I noticed gaps. The diagnosis explained much, but not everything. I started to read about ADHD, specifically ADHD-type inattentive. This is ADHD without the H, the hyperactivity. This was me. 2 years later in the autumn of 2023 I received an ADHD diagnosis. I was unofficially, officially, AuDHD. I am Autistic and have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

These two conditions overlap in some ways and fight in others. It is like being, if you’ll forgive the cliched autistic person is an alien metaphor, Spock. Half-human, half-Vulcan with the internal struggle of emotions and logic.

I’ve found that my ADHD side loves to explore new creative and arts-based projects, which is great for my work as a photographer. My autistic side loves playing with cameras, which is also great. However, my autistic side sometimes does not want to leave the house because it can’t account for every possible event in an environment it can’t control. I’ll have loud music on in the car because my ADHD side is excited about a commission only to get stuck in traffic, and my Autistic side will take over and start to overthink. The pressure of a situation can cause my Autistic side to completely nullify the benefits of my ADHD in a split second. It’s impressive, but also very annoying. I was energised. Where’d that energy go?

I love chatting to people and having interesting discussions until the volume in the space just creeps above comfortable and then I’m overloaded and have to leave. My desk has to be tidy to work, but somehow always ends up covered in clutter. I’ll have a whole bunch of creative ideas on a project but get stuck on the fine details of something causing me to become lost in that detail, unable to see the whole again. In the heat of the moment I’ll make impulsive decisions, but only after having spent months researching. Alternatively, I’ll spend months excitedly researching only to never be able to make a decision.

It’s a challenge living this way. A constant internal battle. I can overcome sensory issues if the event overwhelmingly stimulates my ADHD side. But will it? I never know until I’m in the middle of it. The medication I’m taking certainly helps until my anxiety takes over. I can happily be looking forward to something until I need to decide on something against the clock, and then I shut down. Cool. I’ll just avoid those in the future. Easy.

When Autism and ADHD align though, it’s great. Photographing Eurovision was a joy. My ADHD was happy with all the new art to see and my autistic side loved exploring a deep special interest. If the world was a bit too much I could go into my camera and experience it through that. My camera was a stim toy with dials and buttons to play with, and my view of the world was something I could control while still being excited by what I was seeing. Typing this very newsletter allows me to explore ideas while using a nice keyboard sensory toy. Sketching life models against the clock helps prevent me from overthinking, and keeps me focused on a single task. I’ve found ways to make both sides of my brain work for me. A good bit of adrenaline to empower the ADHD side and focus the autistic side helps me work.

My autistic and ADHD traits make me who I am and have given me the life I’ve had. No regrets. At 45 I have a much healthier understanding of how my brain works and what it needs to be productive. I would appreciate less of the infighting between the two conditions as I get older, and that will probably happen. Unfortunately, I think it will take the rest of my career to figure out. An interesting journey, but by the time I retire (die at the camera) I’ll only have just figured out how to operate this bag of mostly water and make money. Until then, I’m going to try and enjoy the benefits of my personality and accept the negatives. Maybe…

ADHD medication after 3 months

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an update on how things are going with my ADHD medication.

Would I say that the meds work? Honestly, it does not feel like they do. I take my morning pill and feel nothing. No energy boost, clarity of thought or eagerness to do my accounts. I do sit down and work with a reduction in impulsive task switching. I’m still easily distracted if I choose to be, but I’m maybe more aware of that and better able to resist. If the meds are working then they work like my hearing aids. I’m unaware of their utility unless I stop using them.

For about 2.5 months I’ve felt this way, until a week ago. Something… changed. Euphoria kicked in.

It’s been a strange 10 days or so. I would take my morning medication, 40 mg of Medikinet (brand name for methylphenidate) with breakfast and by 10 AM I was buzzing. Properly buzzing. I felt alive. Let me at the world! Energy coursed through my body and for possibly the first time I was confident I could deal with the day. Proper Scrappy-do energy. Lemme at em!

Is this how it feels like to drink coffee? I used to enjoy espressos when I could have caffeine but there was never any boost. Nothing happened. While everyone was downing Redbull at uni, I didn’t see the point. It was a weird-flavoured drink that did nothing. Why would anyone enjoy that? Now I’m beginning to get it. The things I could have done if only coffee had worked.

The best way to describe this feeling is an adrenaline rush. This feeling is rare for me because I’m never truly in the moment. I’m enjoying it but also analysing it because of autism or ADHD. As it’s rare I can clearly remember those moments. For example;

• Driving across the 500th most dangerous road in the world in Iceland and seeing incredible sights completely devoid of tourism. It was our real adventure.
• Portals scene in Avengers: Endgame (audience reaction). Yeah, I know it’s super geeky, but that moment was 10 years in the making and cashed in on everything we love about the Marvel films. I’ve never had a cinema experience like that, because I’m normally hyper-aware of everything in the room and overthinking the film.
• Skinny-dipping. Throwing my clothes off by a lake in Wales where anyone could see me and going for a swim. Quite the rush.
• Similarly, running into the sea in front of over 100 people wearing nothing more than a swimming thong. Started my year off with fun.
• Seeing Let3 at Eurovision in my home city of Liverpool. A band that showed me a different side of Croatia, away from the judgemental eyes of all the men who made me feel afraid to be myself while I was there. To hear a stadium erupt in thunderous applause for them being them, was something.
• This scene from Star Trek: Picard (Spoilers for S3 finale). The final musical number in the musical episode of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, and I don’t enjoy musicals. Probably any amazing scene from a TV show I love because it’s such good fun.

Those moments stuck with me. That feeling of being alive stuck with me. If only I could feel that way more, maybe I could be a better photographer. Maybe I could make more money? Maybe I could finally stop feeling like a failure.

I thought about these moments often and tested myself when stressed. Could I find something to naturally trigger a rush of adrenaline so I could function as a human? Music helped. I knew that if I was energised by watching the latest episode of some show, then the next day I could listen to the soundtrack and feel good. It helped a little. On my way to photography commissions, I would put a specific playlist on filled with empowering songs. It helped. Finding photography work that was always a new experience, where I could learn something or see something new also helped. It’s why I love working in the arts. These things all help, but the feeling was never as strong as those key moments.

An odd alignment of the stars meant I was commissioned to photograph everyday people firewalking. They had a 1.5-hour introduction to prepare them and then they walked across a few metres worth of hot coals at around 1,000 c. I was confused as to why anyone would do that but the staff explained and I realised it wasn’t too dissimilar from cold water dipping. The experience was safe and you were in complete control. As you do it you become very aware of your body and it quickly focuses the mind to that moment. Afterwards, you feel the rush of adrenaline. You feel alive in that moment. The act is supposed to be something that stays with you so when you need it you can go back to the place and feel strong.

It got me thinking and reminded me of skinny dipping or running into the sea wearing only a thong. That was a real rush, much stronger than listening to music. I pondered starting my day by throwing my clothes off on the banks of the River Mersey, in front of a passing oil tanker, and running naked into the water. That would certainly trigger a strong adrenaline rush and get my dopamine flowing. Every morning though? Not sustainable. You can get away with it for a New Year dip, but you can’t do it at 8 am on a Thursday while people are walking their dogs. “It’s OK! I’m doing wellness work.” Nope.

These were interesting thoughts, but I wasn’t about to run around naked on a public beach in front of my neighbours for science. It was highlighting the connection between ADHD and being an adrenaline junkie. Having had 45 years without any effect from coffee and avoiding adrenaline-triggering experiences out of fear, I realised I needed them. I wanted to feel alive.

This idea has been bouncing around my head for years. In 2020 I wrote about cycling up the Great Orme in Wales and how I felt alive.

That might be nice but I think I key part of feeling happy, of reducing anxiety and depression is to get my heart going. When I reach the top of a big hill, barely catching my breath, and I’m rewarded with an incredible view I feel amazing. I think I need my body to be in that physical state not just a mental one. It’s not enough to be in nature I have to work for it. Could I…could I be an adrenaline junkie? Is that what’s going on?

4 years later, with a formal diagnosis of ADHD, I think I understand my brain a bit better. For me to have any real chance of getting my tax return done early I need to run naked into the sea. Okie dokie. At least, I need the energy that experience provides. For whatever reason, 2 months into taking methylphenidate for ADHD, it’s doing exactly that. By 10 AM I feel like I’ve just run naked along the beach without a care in the world. I feel great. Raaaaa! Let me at the world. The medicine finally works. I’m seeing the benefit.

Should I be worried? Doing a tax return in your home office at 10 am on a Monday while feeling as euphoric as if you just ran naked into a Greggs for a vegan sausage roll seems… odd. Is this how I should feel or a side-effect that will go away? Are the meds too high? Has everyone else been feeling this way all their lives and I’m only just finding out that this is how life should be? I don’t know, but I am discussing it all with the titration team instead of Reddit. I’m logging blood pressure, heart rate information and feelings so they can assess and advise. Right now they are OK with my health, but are going to lower the morning dose and see how it goes.

Whatever happens with this feeling, right now there’s something incredibly comforting about it. I can look forward to tomorrow. I’ll take the pills, feel good about myself and do good things. I’ve never experienced this level of security in my mental health. To know that I will feel good tomorrow, it’s absurd. I can feel good today because I know I’ll be good tomorrow. What?! Assuming it’s a side effect and I shouldn’t feel this way, I’ll miss that. If you see me running naked down the beach holding a tax return, you’ll know the feeling has gone.

Photos

This week’s photos are from a trip to Iceland.

A selection of affordable prints from my travels around the world are available on my archive print store.

Transporter room

• Crossing the Bar - Elixir on Digital Stage: Longevity in Dance - Sadler’s Wells Digital Stage
• On set for Ncuti Gatwa’s ‘Doctor Who’ debut
• A Right To Swim on Vimeo
• The Cass Review - Our initial review and actions | Stonewall
• Opinion: England’s Anti-Trans Cass Review Is Politics Disguised As Science
• Disability history hub | National Museums Liverpool

I Just Got The Matrix

I’ve been working on my personal blog of 24 years and I bumped into a post from 23 September, 2004 about the movie: The Matrix. It’s a fascinating read given everything that has happend to me over the years. When I wrote this I had no idea about trans/non-binary identies. At the time I felt like there was a better version of me that would hopefully come out one day.

I’m a big fan of the Matrix as any of my friends will tell you. But, I was watching Collateral tonight and it hit me, the true meaning of the Matrix. Before anyone moans, Collateral has nothing to do with the Matrix. Go see Collateral, its a decent film.

So. The Matrix isn’t about Man vs Machines. Its about “Freeing your mind”. But from what if not the Machines? Its about freeing your mind from society. Its about leaving the world constructed by Man and finding out who you really are. Let me walk you through this.

Mr. Anderson has a day job he doesn’t like. 9 to 5, he’s Mr. Anderson. He goes home and he’s Neo. He’s the person he chooses to be, but he is locked down by society so he has to continue being Mr. Anderson. I’m sure a lot of people already got this, and I’m just being slow. I definetly got all this the first time round, but in the context of the film, in that Neo is freed from the Matrix. But its just now that I realise the true meaning, to me at least. Anyways, so Neo has to be the person society forced upon him. He has to be Mr. Anderson. That’s not his chosen name, or his chosen job, or his chosen life. Then he meets Morpheus.

Morpheus helps free him from the Matrix, or the man made construct that is society. Neo then learns who he really is and starts to realise his true potential as Neo. Neo re-enters the matrix (society) as Neo. He is now a seperate entity to the modern world. He is now the person he chooses to be. He operates in society, but he is also not part of it. He can now move around freely, seeing the world as it really is. He sees everyone still tied to the system, the people that are so dependant on it that they can’t be “unplugged”.

What am I saying here? That you can dodge bullets? No. I’m saying that we are living in the matrix right now. We are bound by societies shackles and we all need to “Free our minds”. Only when we start to operate slightly outside of societies ideals can we realise our full potential as a person.

I am starting to see this in my own life. If I think about the past week, it scares me. I can see the real me, the me that is crying to be freed. I can see that I’m not bound by my fears and that I can overcome things and be who I want to be. I see this and it scares me. Why? Because its entirely possible that one day I will be alive.

Free Your Mind.

Interestingly, I wrote an unofficial follow up piece on this very newsletter back in 2020, before I realised I was non-binary. It isn’t until 2022 that I re-reference The Matrix as the person I hoped I would become. Someone who is alive, overcoming things and being who they want to be.

Men’s changing is upstairs sir

I went into the city wearing jeans, not a skirt and had a 90% wonderful time. No one was staring at me like I was naked. Men didn’t film me. Some people were looking at my purple beard, but generally, I walked through town unnoticed and felt calm. It was refreshing and fun. I was wearing women’s jeans in pink, but only I knew they were women’s. A fun bit of subversion.

I bought some art supplies, saw people dancing in the streets, bought new mango nail polish, enjoyed the warmth of the sun and tried on leggings in a sports store without any issue. The staff were great. They asked if I needed any help and didn’t blink when I went to the gender-neutral mixed human changing rooms with clothes from both sides of the binary. Unfortunately, the leggings didn’t quite fit, but it was nice to try.

After I went to another store to try their leggings. They were bland but they had some clothes that caught my eye. I’ve shopped there a few times without issue, even when I went to the women’s department in a skirt with a sequin skirt and top to try on. They were fine and didn’t direct me to another changing room. Until, today.

I approached the female assistant with my clothes, which included a dress, and she said: “The men’s changing is upstairs, sir.” I should have said, “I identify as non-binary, not a sir looking for the men’s changing.” Instead, I said I’ve been here before to which she replied “And they let you in?” ugh She let me in once I said yes. I know the store policy is gender-neutral. Secure lockable cubicles for any identity. I knew this because I’d seen the outrage it caused online and I’ve tested it in person where I was not turned away.

Thankfully I was able to speak to someone at the store afterwards and they agreed with me, apologised and said they would speak to the assistant. That was nice. I appreciated that as I spent half the time in the changing room finding evidence to show to the assistant when I came out. For the record, the store was Marks and Spencer and they've publicly stated that their changing rooms are gender neutral. Trans and non-binary folk should not fear shopping there and trying on clothes wherever they want.

The event didn’t spoil my day thanks to the apology but it did throw me a little. I enjoy playing with clothes in ways I never did. It’s a creative outlet for me and a way of being a bit punk. Finding clothes that fit is hard enough, but when I also have to test the gender policies of the store it can be too much. For a brief moment today, when I presented in the way society expects, the world ignored me and I was calm. When I dared to show my true self I was met with confusion. It’s exhausting constantly having to push to be seen so I can one day be unseen.

Thinking about ADHD meds

I’ve been on ADHD medication, methylphenidate, for a couple of months now. The dosage has changed and the brand has changed. Have I? It’s hard to say. I feel less anxious on a day-to-day basis unless I’m pushed for time and I have to choose something. That’s probably an autistic side issue and outside the scope of the medication. Only I can resolve that one. The anxious feelings I had before heading off to jobs seem to have subsided. Maybe I’m not overthinking as much about whether or not I can do something I can do?

Can I sit down and work without jumping between Google and work? Can I get the boring tasks done? Amazingly, yes. It’s the 5th of April today and the end of the tax year. I’m up to date on all invoicing, mileage logs, and receipts. I could do my tax return next week if I wanted to. I still have a lot of photo editing to finish, but generally, I’m getting important things done.

Since starting the medication I had planned to go all in on a task manager called Things. I haven’t yet. There’s the whole issue of imperfection whereby Todoist has features I like, and Things also has features I like. Neither is perfect so I can’t choose. My task management is split and messy. I need to resolve that.

Would I say that the meds work? Honestly, it does not feel like they do. I take my morning pill and feel nothing. No energy boost, clarity of thought or eagerness to do my accounts. I do sit down and work with a reduction in impulsive task switching. I’m still easily distracted if I choose to be, but I’m maybe more aware of that and better able to resist. If the meds are working then they work like my hearing aids. I’m unaware of their utility unless I stop using them.

I wish I could take the medication and get everything done. My personal Instagram account has fallen by the wayside when I should be using it to promote my work. My business account is doing OK though. I had planned to empty our front room so someone could sort the issues in there, but I’ve not yet done that either. My portfolio needs a lot of work. The personal blog, travel blog, bank account switch, etc all need sorting. There are many thoughts in my head. The medication isn’t a magic switch that removes ADHD. My hearing aids do not enable me to hear every word, they only boost certain frequencies and give me a better chance of hearing something. I have to remind myself of this each day.

Am I getting things done? Yes. Everything? No. Should I be? No, and that’s OK. Given everything, I’m doing OK and that is something to be happy about. Year of being OK.

After 2 months I would recommend the process to others. If you suspect ADHD is something affecting your life talk to your GP. Get on the waiting list ASAP. It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point. While you are waiting try and find ways to integrate ADHD into your life instead of doing what I did which was waiting for medication to resolve some issues. I’ve integrated ADHD into my photography well enough, but boring business sides I fail at. I hoped the medication would fix this and it hasn’t. I’m a leaky pot that needs a lot of little patches. Bad at carrying water, but great at keeping the right sort of plant and soil in. Does that metaphor… hold water? Medication is part of the answer, not a magic fix. Talk to people if you need help and be open to the process taking time.

The photos in this post are from a trip to Iceland.

Transporter room

• Autism Language Guide - YouTube
• This Archive Offers an Incredible Window Into the Early Trans Internet | Them
• Why Is The Discourse Around Sydney Sweeney’s Breasts So Unhinged? | British Vogue /via Merlin Mann
• Falmouth student’s photo series unmasks the reality of growing up with Autism and ADHD | Falmouth University
• Outsider artist’s extraordinary flat wins listing
• No Sleep Just Clouds - Unlimited

The Easter Bunny is more accepted than pronouns

Easter. Could there be a more queer religious holiday? Ok, Eurovision. Sure. But Easter, maybe? It’s a festival of egg cracking, rebirthing and coming out as your true self weekend of fun that coincides with Trans Day of Visibility. Jesus comes out as an unkillable superhero and a gender queer hermaphrodite bunny delivers chocolates to kids… for some reason. Easter is nutty, like Nutella nutty.

I’m not attacking anyone’s beliefs, you be you, more highlighting the way history, fact, fiction, myths and legends take shape over time. The story of Jesus at Easter could be reimagined as a Marvel superhero movie today. Was there a Jesus? Did something close to what we read today happen? How come he was a white European Middle Eastern man? Why is his birth a fixed point and his death changeable? Why does NORAD track Santa but not the Easter Bunny? What are they hiding?

Unless you believe 100% in science and nothing else, everything is stories told through various lenses. It’s perfectly OK to get a Ms Marvel tattoo if that story gives you strength. The stories aren’t real, but the ideas can be. If the stories in the bible help you be a better person without hurting others, go for it. Star Trek and Doctor Who are my go-to for that.

It’s when those stories become dangerous to others that we run into problems. The world is fine with someone saying that every Sunday they eat a wafer and vampire-like drink wine that represents the body and blood of Christ, but if a man wears a skirt people violently freak out. Transubstantiation is fine. Transgender is not.

The other weekend I was at Sci-fi Weekender, aka geek camp. A weekend where it was “normal” to wear cosplay all day without fear. On the Sunday you pack up that part of you and put it away for a year. That feeling is crushing. Why can’t I be me once a week? Football fans can. Religious people can. Go into a city on a weekend and football fans are on every pub corner. My people? They may be around but they’re masking, hiding, trying to pass as “normal”. We have to play in safe spaces away from the world. Unless of course you’re going to a Peaky Blinders bar and then cosplay is fine.

If I sound bitter at Easter, that’ll be the dark chocolate. … Sorry. I am a little bitter. Today is Trans Day of Visibility and also Easter Sunday. Ask for an Easter egg from a mythical being and you’ll be seen. Ask for your pronouns to be respected by a real life human and you’ll be hated. What does it take for our stories to become valid and accepted by society?

Enjoying life with ADHD via the Hokey Cokey

Previously on Hello Computer;

It’s annoying that ADHD/Autism means I can be super into something in a way that others can’t, but I have no control over it. What it would be like to let go and be in the moment.

Who knew this would happen a week later and I would learn something about myself while doing… the Hokey Cokey.

Recently my wife and I spent the weekend at Sci-Fi Weekender, located at a caravan park in Great Yarmouth. Everything is a two-minute walk away and judging from the number of people I saw with accessibility needs, quite accessible. It’s a weekend of interviews with people from the sci-fi (or for some reason this year, crime thriller/horror) world, geeky-themed dancing, comedy panels and cosplay. There was so much cosplay going on that at one point I thought there were only 10 people there constantly changing outfits.

As it was a self-contained safe space you could go to the restaurant in cosplay gear, sit at the bar in cosplay gear, nip to the shop in cosplay gear, and be you for a bit without judgement. I didn’t do any cosplay, but I was wearing different themes each day and pushing my outfits in a way I wouldn’t perhaps do outside the event. I wore a micro, not mini, skirt one night and bold blue leggings another. It was great to not overthink things, much, and just try out new looks. Incredibly, people did not look at me with fear. I was seen as normal with the occasional compliment to my look. It took a day to get used to that, to be seen in a positive way. 3 days without fear or anxiety. It was refreshing.

Of course, the moment I was back in the real world men were all confused and staring at me. It was a sobering walk in a skirt through the service station on the way home. People like me, shouldn’t have to live in a constantly anxious state. I spent 3 days without fear and I was able to operate as a person. I talked to strangers about all sorts of fun things and asked people if I could photograph them. I did the conga in a sparkly blue top and bold blue leggings, and the hokey cokey in a silver micro-skirt. For a moment, my head was engaged in simply having fun with life.

Having spent 18 hours in a wonderful safe space I was in such a good mood enjoying music from Victor and the Bully. They announced their last song, the Hokey Cokey. Before I could overthink, my wife and I joined hands to join in on the fun. I forgot I had another hand and that was grabbed by one of the main acts of the weekend - Madam Misfit. An amazing singer with incredible amounts of energy. “Oh dip.” There was no time to think about anything other than “How do you hokey cokey again… whoaaaaaaa Jesus a hokey cokey…” The left side of me was being operated by a performer. It was such a silly random moment and I had no option other than to try and keep up. As a 6 ft 5 person carrying 16 stone of weight and a camera bag, I always feel like I’m in the way which is maybe why I don’t dance much or get into the middle of a rave. No time for those thoughts. “Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

What it would be like to let go and be in the moment.

Losing myself in that silliness was great. No time to think about how I looked to everyone else. Not that it should/would matter because I was in a room filled with cosplayers. How could I worry about if I looked silly when I’ve got a Starfleet Captain coming at me putting his right leg in and out to then shake it all about, while a Dalek is shaking it all about with Black Cat next to a clown and a Jawa. Everything was just silly, and I went all in. The next night we all did the conga. Gandalf, Geordie La’Forge, Doc Brown, R2D2 and I. To stop and go “Oh I’ll look weird” would have been stupid.

It’s annoying that ADHD/Autism means I can be super into something in a way that others can’t, but I have no control over it.

Maybe I have some control over it in that I can choose the events that will tickle my autistic special interests and positively engage my ADHD. While I enjoyed the gig I went to the other week, it did not activate those parts of my brain. When those parts aren’t activated in a good way, they can be triggered by external stimuli. I notice all the irritations around me and start to overthink and compare myself to others. I’m not in a negative space of depression, more I’m letting the bad side of my ADHD run wild. It needs certain things, which might include;

• Something new
• Something wondrous
• Something connected to a special interest

Working as a photographer in the arts ticks these boxes, and that’s why I love it. For everything else in life, sometimes I’ll tap my foot to the beat and sometimes I’ll do the hokey cokey. I need to find the events that’ll get me putting my whole self in, and my whole self out, because that’s what it’s all about.

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This week’s photos are from a trip to Budapest. Such an enjoyable wander around Europe.

Going to a gig with ADHD

I went to a gig the other night and realised my perfect gig setting might be only possible via the Apple Vision Pro’s immersion features. I tried so hard to be in the moment.

Me: “Focus on the music. Listen to the music.” Brain: “Can’t hear the lyrics. Oh, what’s that?” Me: “No no! Focus on the beat then. That bass line. Tap your foot. Listen to it.” Brain: “OK. Nice beat. Toes tapping. This OK?” Me: “Yeah. I’m doing it. I’m focusing.” Brain: “Cool. Would you like to make some notes on that? Maybe craft a post on social media?” Me: “What, now? I’m just trying to focus.” Brain: “But this seems like a good thing to note down.” Me: “Fine. Quick note. Back to the beat.” Brain: “Beats and toes and beats and toes and is that guy vaping?” Me: “No no no. Stay on target. Oh, he is. What? No! Bass!” Brain: “Beats and that’s an odd jacket? Am I too close to this person? Is that picture about to fall off? What do I do with this empty can now? If I go find a bin will someone take my spot next to my wife? Remember that discussion about neurodivergent labelling?” Me: “I give up. I need to be in the pit taking photos to be focused at a gig.”

This is my normal experience at a gig, cinema, play, etc. I can’t be in the moment, which is why I prefer to be behind the camera doing something. While that works, I can’t spend my life behind the camera. Sometimes it is nice to watch a gig, see a movie or be part of an event. It has to grab me though. Avengers: Endgame, The Matrix, The Chemical Brothers at Bluedot are rare experiences where I remember being so engrossed in what I was seeing that I was truly in the moment.

It’s annoying that ADHD/Autism means I can be super into something in a way that others can’t, but I have no control over it. What it would be like to let go and be in the moment.

Using labels as an explanation or excuse

The other day, while discussing ADHD and autism with someone, they made a comment I found strange. “People are using the term neurodivergent as an excuse.” I was taken aback by that. Were they? Are they? Was this the Daily Mail outraged in human form, or an actual issue to be aware of?

How I normally write my newsletters is I have a thought stuck in my head. I research it and try to find out if I’m right or wrong. If I’m wrong I’ll try and explore what that means. In science, being wrong simply means you have more to learn. It’s not a bad thing. I’ve tried to look into this issue of using labels, to find people smarter than I who have properly discussed this and it’s tricky. Google presents me with everyone’s hot take on it from tabloids to the social network formally known as Twitter to Reddit. It’s… a lot. I concluded that using labels is like quantum theory in that they are used as both an explanation and an excuse, depending on how you observe them.

I asked Google Gemini whether “using neurodivergent as an excuse is bad?”. This is an AI response, so take it with a pinch of salt.

There can be downsides to using neurodivergence as an excuse. Here’s why:

Avoidance of responsibility: If someone uses it to avoid taking ownership of their actions, it can come across as dismissive. Perpetuates stereotypes: It can reinforce negative views of neurodivergent people if used for behaviours unrelated to their condition. Undermines genuine needs: If someone constantly uses it as an excuse, it can make it harder for others to take legitimate needs seriously. However, neurodivergence is a real thing! Here’s how to navigate it:

Focus on explanation: Instead of excuse, explain how your neurodivergence affects you in that situation. Seek solutions: Show a willingness to work with others to find ways to manage the situation. Take responsibility: Acknowledge your part and what you can do to improve. Overall, it’s about open communication and finding a balance between understanding neurodivergence and taking responsibility for your actions.

For balance, I asked ChatGPT too.

Using the term “neurodivergent” to excuse behaviour can be a delicate matter. On one hand, recognizing and understanding neurodiversity is crucial for promoting inclusivity and understanding differences in cognition and behaviour. However, using neurodivergence as an excuse for harmful behaviour is not acceptable.

It’s essential to strike a balance between acknowledging and accommodating neurodivergent traits while still holding individuals accountable for their actions. People with neurodivergent conditions should be supported with understanding and appropriate accommodations, but they should also be encouraged to take responsibility for their behaviour and work towards constructive solutions. It’s about fostering an environment of empathy, support, and accountability.

As far as asking an AI for answers goes, at least in this case, can provide a healthier response than all of the internet’s hot takes. But, is this information useful or even valid? I found some interesting papers and thoughts on the subject that offer a more in-depth response than the AI gave.

• Who benefits from diagnostic labels for developmental disorders?
• It Might Be a Label to You, but to Me, It’s My Life - Wearing the Label of a Mental Illness | Symptoms of Living
• Does the internet think you have ADHD, anxiety, or autism? - Vox
• Are You Using ADHD as an Excuse or An Explanation? - Dana Rayburn ADHD coach
• Challenging Psychiatric Classification: Healthy Autistic Diversity and the Neurodiversity Movement | SpringerLink
• Celebrating Neurodivergence amid Social Injustice | Hypatia | Cambridge Core
• Neurodivergent culture and embodied knowledge beyond neoliberal identity politics - Timothy J. Beck, 2023
• “Ableist Ideologies Stifle Neurodiversity and Hinder Inclusive Educatio” by Marie Adrienne R. Manalili
• Labels and the Self: Identity Labels as Scaffold - Money - 2023 - Journal of Analytical Psychology
• Should We Continue to Tell Autistic People that Their Brains are Different? - Daniel Crawshaw, 2023
• An Examination of the Relationship Between Labelling and Stigmatisation with Special Reference to Dyslexia: Disability & Society: Vol 15, No 4
• To be labelled, or not to be labelled: that is the question - Ho - 2004 - British Journal of Learning Disabilities
• Blame, guilt and the need for ‘labels’; insights from parents of children with special educational needs and educational practitioners - Broomhead - 2013 - British Journal of Special Education

After all this, I’m a bit lost. I was unable to find a clear scientific answer. Do/don’t do this because of X. Life isn’t that easy or black and white. There may be times when it is good to use labels. I cannot get medication for ADHD without the label of being someone who has ADHD. At the same time, it took me years to realise I had ADHD because the label does not describe me. It wasn’t until I learned about ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) that I realised I might have found something to describe the parts of me that aren’t autistic. By the time I found that the label ADD had been retired and people were using ADHD-type attentive/inattentive. People and language are complex.

Should we be using labels? If it helps you, go for it. Don’t let others dictate how you find your way through life. If someone is knowingly using a term to excuse bad behaviour then that’s something they have to consider for themselves. For me, I use labels to connect with people and ideas. On my photography portfolio, I describe myself as a non-binary autistic photographer with ADHD. There’s a chance that may put people off, and would I want to work with those people anyway? That said, it may bring in the kind of people I want to work with. These labels are who I am. At least they’re the best words we have to describe who I am right now. They connect me with communities, friends, and ideas. I’m happy to identify myself this way, but I am also more than the labels.

If it’s not depression it’s anxiety

When I have no commissions my brain turns inward to depression. On top of everything else I have to do to work, I have to fight the idea that I’m worthless.

When I am commissioned my brain turns to anxiety. On top of everything else I have to do to work, I have to fight the idea that everything is wrong and I can’t do this.

One day, maybe I’ll be OK and able to enjoy the life I’m trying to build for myself.

My year of being OK is not going OK. I’m never normally this busy. The first few months of the year are when I hunker down and update my website, which is in a state because I’m too busy to sort it. I should be happy but instead, I’m anxious.

What’s making me anxious is the exact remedy for depression. Being part of a community. Doing work that’s meaningful. Getting paid and feeling valued. Exploring with my camera. Learning new things and meeting interesting people. This is how I beat depression, and it works. I’m not depressed. I’m just anxious.

If only I had a different camera. That’d fix things. It never does. It’s a hit of dopamine and then back to anxiety.

I know it’s not a side effect of my ADHD medication as I’m off it due to supply issues. I also know that when I’m in the zone and working with my camera I’ll be happy. It’s like swimming. Getting to the place to swim is a challenge. Once I’m in the water I’m usually OK. Unless jellyfish or evil spirits are trying to drag me under. I’m usually fine.

This is one of the reasons why I do wild swimming, to remind myself that I can overcome anxiety. When will I overcome it though? I’ve been wild swimming for 4 years and a working photographer for 15 years. Surely at some point, my brain will acknowledge that this is my comfort zone. Or is the problem that to grow you need to keep pushing yourself, meaning that you’re never in a comfort zone?

I am delighted with the way this year has gone so far and it’s not even March. I’m estimating that come April or May I’ll be able to buy a new computer to edit on. An upgrade to my 2017 iMac. My Starling account has been working wonderfully with the savings pots and I’m making progress like I never could before. Life is good… and I’m so on edge that I just want to sit at home watching Doctor Who reruns.

This may be my autistic issue with change. I have to deal with being out of my house. Away from the food I can easily eat and bathrooms that are gender-neutral. Dealing with different people. Doing a photo commission is not my every day. It is a change to my routine and while I love them, a part of me is not good with changing routines. Each day this week is a different job in a different place. It is impossible to get used to. It’s all change.

Ironically, change isn’t good for my brain and yet it’s what I fight for every day as a non-binary autistic person with ADHD. I want to change the world, and make it better for the next person. Just don’t change my world. It’s complex.

30 days sober

As I write this I’ve been sober for 30 days. The longest I’ve been sober in about 10 years. An instruction on my ADHD medication says to not take alcohol with methylphenidate, or caffeine. I had to decide whether I wanted to be productive or enjoy whisky and coffee. Now, for me, coffee was easy to give up as it did not give me any morning boost. Decaff is fine. Whisky and beer though, trickier.

When I drank it was 14 units or less most weekends, with the occasional bit extra if I found a nice 8% IPA. Thankfully there are plenty of 0.5% alcohol-free beers on the market now. While I’m more of a craft beer person, I found Peroni 0 to be close enough to Peroni 5.4% to be a good replacement. Moretti 0, was not a good replacement, for me anyway. I appreciate the bigger brands trying as that’s how most people are going to see change.

After 30 days of hitting my water goals, drinking 0% beer and not having caffeine, how do I feel? Baby soft skin? Clarity of thought that could cut a cucumber? I feel… fine. From reading people’s stories I expected more. Life changing for some. A person on Reddit who drank a similar amount to me said being sober essentially cured their anxiety. This hasn’t happened for me. I’ve been disastrously anxious in the past 30 days. Anxiety is a side effect of the ADHD medication. Year of “Being OK”. My brain/body is going through a fair bit. Change might not be instant.

I wanted an immediate effect. If giving up whisky meant I could get up at 6 am every morning, go for a swim, think clearly and make good decisions during the day, never worry about that one camera bit I lack, and feel confident about myself after 15 years of being a photographer then it would have been worth it. Maybe by removing caffeine, and alcohol, adding more water and exercising I’m seeing that at my core Autism is the cause of a lot of my issues and there’s nothing I can do about that outside of acceptance.

30 days sober. Not enlighted yet. Would I start drinking again if I came off the ADHD meds? Hopefully not. I think it might be better to be sober than drink. If there’s a chance it adds to my anxiety then that should be enough to stay sober. Also, I may be having a gout bout which is exacerbated by beer and whisky. My future is sober.

While I haven’t had a life-changing experience, society works for many people. If you’re thinking about trying it there’s lots of help out there.

This week’s photos are from the Fiesta of Fire I was photographing for Royal Albert Dock this week.

A 2 week review of NHS Hearing Aids

I’ve been testing out Apple AirPods Pro as hearing aids for a while now. It works but it made me wonder if I would benefit from actual hearing aids. Better battery life and a properly calibrated device to compensate for my issues. For a while, I’ve been hearing my wife make a sound and asking her to repeat it. I wasn’t sure whether it was hearing issues or audio processing issues. So I spoke to my GP.

Even though the NHS is in crisis right now with epic wait times, I got an appointment within 2 weeks. I’m still waiting for an appointment about a possible fracture issue from late last year. If you are thinking about getting tested, go speak with your GP and you might be seen and sorted quite quickly.

I was seen by Specsavers at my local hospital. Maybe this is why I could get an appointment as it seems like hearing aids are outsourced. The woman was nice to chat with and considerate about my autistic issues. I asked whether she knew about Low Gain Hearing Aids, which are possibly useful for helping autistic people process speech, but she didn’t. I had hoped to try that but it might be limited to a few specialists.

The session took about 40 minutes. There was the tone hearing test in both ears and then a bone conduction hearing test afterwards. She showed me the results and said I would benefit from hearing aids. I had lost the ability to hear some of the higher frequencies, especially those around female voices. I had often wondered whether this was a me thing or an everyone else thing, so it was good to have science say it was a me thing.

After showing me the results she asked me whether I wanted a beige, silver or black model. I was taken aback. I thought the results would be sent off, checked and then 2 months later I would get a call. Not today. Today I was getting hearing aids. I considered black but went with silver. The specialist set them up, explained how to put them on and sent me home. Got to love the NHS. Free hearing aids. No questions, well maybe some.

As a test, I didn’t tell my wife I had them. I wore them for hours and she never noticed. I even went over and asked her if she could see anything new about me, and she couldn’t. If you’re at all concerned about them being visible, they’re practically indivisible and I rarely notice them.

Have they helped? Yes, but they haven’t fixed everything. I can hear speech on the TV more clearly and real-world voices are certainly crisper. I do benefit from wearing them. However, I still miss times when my wife says something from across the room. It’s not a big room.

I revisited the specialist to see if there was anything they could do. When I said I maybe assumed too much, they smiled and said these are the cheapest models and can only do so much. She adjusted the settings to boost female voices a bit more and turned up the volume. More testing is required.

Overall I’m glad I have them. Annoyingly I now have to carry my specs, hearing aid batteries and migraine meds everywhere. More stuff to deal with. It’s not great for the ADHD brain. But they do help, so that’s that. When it comes to whether people notice them or not, I'm happy to talk and challenge any ideas of ableism. People usually aren't looking at my ears.

After several years of pondering, waiting for a diagnosis, getting a diagnosis and then waiting to start titration, I’m finally on ADHD medication. 2 weeks in and, well, are they doing anything?

There are two main types of medication you can get in the UK. Methylphenidate, commonly known as Ritalin but goes by many brand names, and Lisdexamfetamine which is known as Elvanse. I find it hard to take tablets and the doctor would have prescribed me Elvanse except only one company makes it and it is very hard to come by at the moment. Instead, I’m on Concerta XL. A brand of methylphenidate and despite a few brands being making it, there’s a shortage. Oh and essentially, it’s speed.

If you don’t know, titration is the process whereby you slowly increase the dosage of a medication to understand how it will affect you. I am on a dosage of 18mg for the first week, doubling to 36mg the next and 56mg for 2 weeks after that one. While I have issues taking pills, I’m doing fine with these. I’m using the Medication feature in Apple Health to log and remind me to take them.

Every medication has side effects. When I tried anti-depression medication I did not enjoy the side effects so I stopped. For methylphenidate, the common ones are headaches, dizziness, unable to sleep, anxiety, irritability and an increased heart rate. I take my blood pressure every morning to monitor the last one. It’s increased as the dosage has but I don’t feel like my heart is pounding. I wouldn’t know if I didn’t monitor it.

Side effect-wise I had headaches every morning for the first 10 days. Thankfully the headaches did not increase as the dosage did. I’m maybe a little bit more easily irritated now and then. I had to lock my cat out of the office as she kept jumping on my desk and wouldn’t lie down. I had work to do and needed to see the monitor. I love that she sleeps on my desk, but I need to work.

The other possible side effect is that I’m a little bit more fidgety in the afternoon. While my computer is processing my hands want to do something. Doomscrolling social media is the go-to, but that’s bad. I’m currently using an old Nintendo Joy-Con as a fidget toy while mounting my phone on top of my computer so it’s just out of reach. This may be the lower doses wearing off.

I do not believe I’m any more anxious than I was before. That’s still at a “Why?!” level of anxiety. As I write this I’m off into town later to do some photography and then I’m going to a queer safe space gig to do more photos. It’s been on my mind since I booked a ticket. Why? No idea. I’ll be fine when I’m in the moment, but getting to that moment is a lot of work. That is normal for me. The medication hasn’t made that worse. I wouldn’t say that I’m overthinking whether the medication is working or not either. No more anxious than “normal”.

The side effects are fine so far. The benefits? I’m not feeling anything. I had hoped that this pill would feel like that first coffee in the morning. Unfortunately coffee doesn’t affect me so I’m not sure what that feeling is like. The way people describe it, it’s a real kick to get you going. I wanted that. I wanted to sit down and work, to get things done, to answer emails right away without all the mental processing and leaving till late due to anxiety. I wanted to be blogging each day, to build my Instagram following by posting coherent work daily and sort my portfolio site. I wanted to finish that Amazon order I started a month ago. Did I expect too much? I’m getting things done, but it doesn’t feel like I’m focused and driven.

So far the only thing I’ve managed to achieve is closing my exercise ring and hitting my water goals every day since starting the medication. I’m drinking 2.5 litres every day. No caffeine. No alcohol. My pee colour is mountain spring clear. I guess that’s something?

I’m doing everything the NHS and various sites suggest you do. Reduce your alcohol intake. Drink plenty of water. Get a good night’s sleep. Exercise daily. Yet I still feel like 2023 me. Sure I’m too hard on myself, but I’ve got 25 years to build a retirement plan and only I can do it. I need to be doing better. Make work, get work, make invoices, get paid. Rewatch Doctor Who.

Maybe this is it? I was never good at hitting my water goals or closing my exercise ring. When I finish a bottle of water I simply go and top it up. No complex thoughts. I just do it. I’m just doing exercise without too much pushback from my brain. Is this it? Hard to know. Let’s see how easy it is to do invoicing and monthly accounting.

This series of videos by Rachel Walker are an interesting look into how I’m feeling.

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This week’s photos are from Liverpool’s Lunar New Year, 2009.

Transporter room

• How to tell if ADHD medication is working
• The D/deaf and Disabled Artists Support Fund – University of Atypical
• Announcing the first LGBTQ+Press Empowerment Grant – LGBTQ+Press
• Apple’s Vision Pro Support Documents Underscore The Headset’s Accessibility Story Goes Far Beyond Software
• A vivid history of LGBTQ+ counterculture in 1980s New York | Huck

This week’s photos are from New York made on my medium format camera.

Yearly theme for 2024

Each year I set a theme for the year. I believe New Year resolutions are doomed to fail and that failure can be a trigger for anxiety and depression. Instead, I bypass all that and set a theme which is more of an idea for the year than something to 100% achieve. This is inspired by Myke and Grey from the Cortex Podcast.

Previously my Yearly Themes have been

• 2021 - Year of Something Else
• 2022 - Year of Courage and Connection
• 2023 - Year of Queer

Last year, the Year of Queer. I know that these are just themes for the year but when I missed the biggest queer festival of the year due to my foot issues, I felt depressed. Depressed at missing its 20th year and depressed at “failing”. Silly old brain eh. On the flip side, my foot was fine for Eurovision aka Queer Fest! That was 2023 for me, and possibly the entire 2020s. There’s a load of Eurovision photos on my portfolio site if you’re interested. I also wrote about it in this newsletter.

• Empowered by Eurovision
• Eurovision from a Non-Binary position

I learnt what life was like for queer people in Ukraine. Imagine fighting for your home when your home does not accept your identity. The message was to “Stay Queer. No Matter War.” Be you. Dance. Hug. Kiss. Run. Love. Be you. I doubt I would have the strength to be Ukrainian.

Outside of Eurovision, I tried to see as many queer comedy, TV, movies, gigs as my health would allow for. Highlights include;

• Our flag means death
• Sex Education
• Doctor Who
• Good Omens Season 2
• The Last of Us - that episode
• The Sandman

I’ve got a long list of shows/movies to catch up on too. I’ve got decades to catch up on and things to rewatch from a fresh perspective.

Overall, the year was queer.

2024’s theme - Year of being OK

After Eurovision, I found my anxiety was a rollercoaster. Harmless jellyfish in our local lake made me have panic attacks. I started to realise I do not have a handle on my anxiety, and it warps every aspect of my life. I need to have a handle on it. So my theme for this year is “Being OK”.

I want to be OK with things that aren’t perfect. OK with the fact I exist. OK with who I am and what I can do. OK with my body, my work, my house. OK with weirdos who film me when I’m out for a walk (it’s not OK in the way they do that but I don’t know why they are, so I’m choosing to be OK with it). I want to be OK and live.

To that end, I started the year with a splash about in the cold January water, with big waves, while wearing a thong on a crowded beach with people I know. Why? The poster said "Fancy dress" and I figured this was fancy. However, when I arrived I was a little too nervous. While I may be OK with my body am I OK with my bum being seen by my friends?

What changed my mind was when loads of women took off their warm gear to reveal their bikinis. They had their bums out. What’s wrong with me having mine out? Why are women’s bums OK but not male bums? Maybe they are? I haven’t done any real market research into this but go to a beach and you’ll see women in thongs, not men. Why? Having worn one a few times now they’re very comfy. Are men afraid of male bums? It’s a bum, not a dentist with a hammer. I’m reminded of the Madonna song ‘What If Feels Like to be a Girl’.

Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots 'cause it's okay to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like wouldn't you?
What it feels like for a girl

That moment when the women in bikinis ran into the waves I thought “Bums! Screw it. Year of being OK. I want to be OK with being daft.” I quickly changed and proudly walked (the tide was far out) to the water. I faced the waves and the looks. I laughed, smiled and I walked back proudly feeling OK. I put whatever fear was in my head aside and lived. I do warn you, watch those waves. Things... move.

I hope that some day my bum can inspire others to free their minds. In the spirit of that, I present to you my OK bum. May it inspire.

Brain: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “It’s OK. It’ll be OK.“

The 'Year of Being OK'.

This week’s photos are from New York on 1st January, 2017. Everywhere was closed so we took a wander across the Brooklyn Bridge.

Captain’s Log

Hello 2024. Lets reboot this newsletter one more time.

It’s the end of January and a fine happy new year to you all. I realise it’s nearly February but I have a valid reason for being late. There were… nazis.

Late last year, against my instincts because Substack has a history of being dicks, I rejoined Substack. I felt like I was failing as a writer by being out on my own. Maybe having the social network of Substack would help, despite the people who run it being dicks. I rejoined and a couple of months later the site had a nazi problem. Is it so surprising that a site run by people who are fine with transphobic content develops a nazi problem too?

So I left, again, at Christmas of all times.

I spent January trying to figure out where to host this newsletter. Balancing features, costs and options was tricky. Eventually my autistic side got lost in it all and I couldn’t make a decision on what to do next. Another week went by and slowly I managed to make a system that worked… hopefully. The people who make Ghost do not endorse this setup. So let’s see how this goes. An all new site, Pete.News. If you get this, do let me know if it's working OK.

Just for transparency, I’m still subscribed to newsletters on Substack. The writers are good. The technology is good. I don’t blame anyone for using it. Maybe have an exit plan.

If you’d like to read up on the Substack situation here are some solid links.

• Substack’s Founders Dive Headfirst Into the Culture Wars | Vanity Fair
• Substack creators are leaving the platform over misinformation and hate speech | Mashable
• Substack faces backlash over the writers it supports with big advances | TechCrunch
• Substack Turns On Its ‘Nazis Welcome!’ Sign | Techdirt
• Why Platformer is leaving Substack
• Substack’s moderation battle: all the latest news
• Substack says it will not remove or demonetize Nazi content
• Leaving Substack (Again)
• Citation Needed has a new home
• Migrating from Substack to self-hosted Ghost: the details
• Substack co-founder says ‘we don’t like or condone bigotry,’ doesn’t explain how Notes will moderate it
• Ban Nazis, Unban Sex Workers on Substack

No big story this week. This post is mainly a test to see if everything works OK. I have been having lots of thoughts over the past month so there’s stuff coming.

• Yearly Theme Update
• Starting ADHD meds (they came 5 months early!)
• Getting hearing aids
• Thoughts on dopamine sources
• Something something LGBTQ+ History Month

If this system holds up, regular newsletters will be coming through Febuary via Pete.News.

Seasons Peteings! Whatever you’re into over the next few days, be it Yuletide, Queermas, Christmas, fighting with family or resting with friends I hope you have fun.

I’ve posted a year-in-review blog post on my photography portfolio site and a Reel to Instagram, if that’s more your thing.

Thank you for your support in 2023. I’m going to take a couple of weeks off to rest and I’ll see you in 2024.

Transporter room

• Keeping the Long Midwinter - The Clearing by Katherine May
• Center of the Universe: Non-Speaking Autistic Poet Hannah Emerson’s Extraordinary Poem About How to Be Reborn Each Day – The Marginalian
• How to cope with Christmas as an LGBT person
• 52 things I learned in 2023. This year I worked on fascinating… /via DoByFriday
• How Ncuti Gatwa’s Doctor Is Ushering In A Whole New Era Of Doctor Who
• LGBT helplines and resources for the Christmas period
• ‘Trans Secret Santa’ to spread joy to trans youth across the UK
• ‘How to’… have an autism-friendly Christmas – Autism Together
• Being a ‘Neurodiverse’ Family at Christmas! – Sunshine Support

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Hello! I’ve lost count of how many weeks it’s been now with my foot issue. One joint heals, and another becomes painful. I’m on my 3rd joint issue down there but the doctors can’t do much because going to A&E is a 9-hour wait. Wow. Medication and rest. It is doable as I’ve now finished all my commissioned photography for 2023. It’s been a great year. Financially, it’s still a struggle, but the things I’ve seen have been fascinating. Double in 2024 and I’ll be OK.

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The photos in this post are from various snowy days.

Stuff!

Christmas Prints! There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

If you enjoy this newsletter you can pledge your support. If enough people do so I’ll feel confident enough to enable subscriptions and feed my cats.

Autistic and struggling, or righteous and arrogant?

While watching the Doctor Who episode “The Giggle” I saw myself. Not in the Doctor or a companion, as I’ve previously discussed, but in the outraged humans. If you haven’t seen the episode there’s a MacGuffin that makes everyone believe they are right about everything and they’re not afraid to share those opinions. Everything outrages them and they push back hard. That’s where I felt seen, and it made me uncomfortable.

The episode was clever in that it didn’t take sides about who was right or wrong. The issue was with everyone feeling righteous. I certainly don’t feel like I’m walking around on a high horse, which is a neat trick to pull off, believing that I’m right about everything. I do walk around calling out what I believe to be issues though. The Quantum Leap lifestyle, “striving to put right what once went wrong.”

Cars parked on the pavement causing havoc for disabled people. Photographers using colonial photography terms like shoot, take, or capture. People calling me Sir. How can they not see I’m no sir? I mean, really. Someone not recycling correctly. Saying “with autism” instead of “autistic person”. Someone walking too close to me during an airborne pandemic. No one in the medical centre wearing a mask, even though it’s the place for Covid boosters. The person pronouncing supposedly supposebly. Arg! Why does everyone have to be different? My life would be much easier if they listened to me.

Hmm. Not good.

Since learning that I’m disabled and that non-binary is how I want to identify I’ve been on a bit of an activist streak. This very newsletter is a way for me to share these sides of my life with people so they can better understand, but it was never about me saying I was right. It was always about putting thoughts out there. Share not preach. Looking back, I wonder how many of these newsletters are a reaction to being outraged.

It’s tough to control. I’m sure my ADHD makes me notice too many things and then my autistic side overthinks them all. Or maybe it’s the result of being on social media for over a decade, or reading the news where everyone has an opinion? I’d like to think that it was a recent change for me due to these factors, but I was a massive dick before social media.

I’ve argued on so many forums in my time because I struggle with empathy. Everything makes perfect sense to me. If I can just find the right words in the right order, they’ll get it. I know I’m right. Why don’t they get it? People would tell me that what I have is an opinion, not a fact and that you can’t tell someone their opinion is wrong. I would reply with “Well, in my opinion, I’m right and you can’t say that’s wrong because it’s only an opinion.” This led to a healthy image of egotistical dick because I was an egotistical dick.

I’ve argued with friends, with random people on the internet all night because they were “wrong” and I’ve lost friends because I “stuck to my guns”. I left a photography group because I believed what I was doing was right and they were all wrong. Months of arguing, me not backing down, and tears. Now I avoid those people because I don’t know how to be around them. So many people I don’t know how to be around. Autism? Arrogance? Arse?

If it were just an autistic trait I would still be that person, but I’ve grown over the years as I’ve learnt more about being autistic. Having a healthy understanding of what issues may affect me means I try harder to keep them in check. I often fail, but at least with hindsight, I can see where I’ve gone wrong rather than double down on arrogance. Yet, watching Doctor Who I realised that I’m still that person only with the backing of social justice instead of “that photo is not sharp.” I surround myself with like-minded people providing me with the necessary confirmation bias to go “See, see! This! They said it too, thus I’m right.”

But but but but the betterment of society? Cars block wheelchairs when parked on pavements. Gender-neutral toilets are good. Masks are good. Reply guys on social media are dicks. I must reply to them and tell them not to reply! Over-processed HDR photography is bad, despite me righteously promoting it once upon a time, I’m now righteously saying it’s bad. I’m trying to do good. Aren’t I?

Maybe none of this matters and I’m autistically overthinking. Maybe I’m being “too” autistic about the entire thing, whatever being “too” autistic is. Maybe I want the dopamine hit from being right? This is the thing about being autistic. No one gave me a manual on how to exist in the world. Everyone else seems to get it. They seem to operate in the social world without a second thought about their actions. I have to question, debate, analyse, overthink, and discuss whether I’m overthinking or not. My life’s work is struggling with how to make my life work.

How do you deal with something you perceive to be bad and try to fix it? If someone says they’re playing a video game by someone you perceive to be toxic, what do you do? Do you spit your coffee all over them, tell them how wrong they are about the world and that they better cancel it before you cancel them? Do you let it all go and practice mindfulness in the hope the other person somehow comes to a better conclusion? Is the best way forward to show another way of debating, and fighting, by letting it all go? I’ve pondered this before with the idea of emotions being communicable via social media. Maybe that is all we can do? Accept that responding in kind is not a way forward and respond with humility instead. That, or maybe going into the next room and shouting the c-word into a pillow 20 times.

As I’m writing this on a bus I’m reminded of a mental health trick. You can’t control who comes onto the bus, but you can control your response. When outraged, control your response. It feels impossible to do in the modern world. Just this week Threads algorithm showed me the outrage at photographers discussing street photography. A social media algorithm can’t tell the difference between outrage and useful engagement. So these things are pushed in our faces. It’s so hard to break free when it feels like there are outrageous things everywhere.

Seeing an extreme version of myself in Doctor Who has made me question how I try and do good. I thought I was helping, maybe I’m not?

Christmas is coming and it’s the most problematic time of the year. So, while I don’t know what’s best maybe someone else does.

• 13 Christmas Dinner Tips to Keep Transphobic Uncle Ted from Ruining Your Holiday | Them
• Trans ally has ingenious solution for transphobic family at Christmas
• 9 Non-Binary, Gender Fluid, & Transgender People On Dealing With Toxic Family Members Over The Holidays
• It’s Your Responsibility to Challenge Bigoted Relatives Over the Holidays | Teen Vogue
• LGBTQ+ guide for surviving Christmas with a bigoted family | Metro News
• How to survive Christmas with your transphobic relatives | PinkNews

Transporter room

• Marketer sparks panic with claims it uses smart devices to eavesdrop on people | Ars Technica
• How Lego builds a new Lego set
• The truth about Whamageddon, Hugh Grant, and my new book
• “This is the UK in 2023, people are starving”: Tom Skipp photographs Bristol’s food banks
• Daring Fireball: iOS 17.3, Now in Beta, Includes New ‘Stolen Device Protection’ Feature
• How Star Trek Helped Me Accept A Trying Truth | Star Trek
• Apple’s iOS 17.2 Update Delivers On The ‘Accessibility Is For Everyone’ Mantra—In Reverse

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Hello! I hope you are swell. While on a recent photography commission where I was a little worried about being openly queer, a woman at the event came over and said “You look amazing.” A total stranger. I hope I never become used to the kindness of strangers. It’s such a pleasant surprise. People can genuinely be kind, for no reason.

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The photos in this post are from a wander around Eryri, North Wales back in 2010.

Seeing trans non-binary people on prime-time TV in Doctor Who

You may have heard that in the Russell T. Davis re-reboot of Doctor Who, aka NuWho2 or RTD2, a fantastic trans character appears. On a prime-time BBC flagship TV show, there’s a trans character. Not just a character, but one played by a trans actor. Holy representation Batman. There’s a phrase used by under-represented minority groups, “You can’t be what you can’t see.” The people behind Doctor Who, especially Russell T. Davis, proudly and loudly said “We see you. Let’s show the world you being you.”

In the context of the show, maybe they didn’t need to do this. They could have had a character just be another random person off the street that the Doctor bumped into. I’m sure the show would have worked fine as it has other iterations. Instead, they chose to be an ally. They chose to have a trans actor play a trans character on screen. They did it with love and authenticity. Did they need to do this for the 60th anniversary of Doctor Who? No, but maybe yes? To quote the show itself;

“I do what I do because it’s right! Because it’s decent! And above all, it’s kind! It’s just that. Just kind. If I run away today, good people will die. If I stand and fight, some of them might live. Maybe not many, maybe not for long. Hey, you know, maybe there’s no point to any of this at all. But it’s the best I can do. So I’m going to do it.” - 12th Doctor

They absolutely did it. If you want an idea of what being a trans/non-binary person is like, oddly Doctor Who: The Star Beast, is a sort of good introduction. It touches on the human everyday aspects of being trans, family and how the world reacts to you. The show took time to discuss deadnaming, which is a tough subject to tackle. Being out in public can be tough. You go out for milk and people stare, photograph you, make comments and deadname you. You just wanted to get milk. The reality of changing your identity is not everyone can handle that. Maybe one day they will.

There’s a beautiful exchange between people where they get Rose’s pronouns wrong. I say beautiful because it’s a real human experience. Her nan makes a mistake when talking about Rose to her daughter. “When I say she looks gorgeous, is that right? I mean is it sexist? I never said it to him when he was-… Oh, oh sorry.” She gets flustered and apologises. It’s very human because we’re all flawed cocktails of half-forgotten things, muscle memory and ideas we’ve unconsciously picked up. I’ve been trying for decades to stop saying “Oh my god!” as I’m not religious, and yet at 45 I still say it. Change is hard, for everyone. The show is telling everyone, it’s hard and complex and sometimes messy, but just be patient and be kind.

Later in the episode, there is a much bigger moment relating to non-binaryness. It’s hard to discuss without spoiling it, so SPOILER WARNING.

The Doctor is non-binary!

“…the Doctor’s male and female and neither and more.”

That’s how I feel! That’s me up there! On prime-time TV! To me, that is a great description of what it is to be non-binary. I have male bits but draw inspiration from the female world. I’m neither and more. To see that in a prime-time 6:30 PMish Saturday night flagship TV show, well I cried. One of the great icons of modern British culture is like me. I’m not alone.

I never felt this way before I identified as non-binary because I identified like most male people in the world, and they’re everywhere. Constantly, everywhere. When you step away from that you notice how little representation there is. Cafes, bars, books, music, film, comics, where am I? How do I stop feeling alone and hated by the world? I rarely see myself out there unless it’s someone attacking someone like me. If you haven’t spent time as a male-bodied person walking around wearing a skirt and makeup, you can’t know the reality of the world. I never did. It is truly shocking, and scary.

Doctor Who is standing in front of the world saying “Non-binary, not something to fear” in the hope the world goes “You’re right.” This is what it has been doing for decades. The Doctor is always fighting oppression, systems, governments, fascism, and hatred, and trying to make the world a little better.

“The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views…which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” - 4th Doctor

I feel like I’m seen as one of those facts that people would like to alter. Yet the show has been saying for 60 years that change is normal. It occurs at any point in your life. It may not be convenient, it may take you a minute to recover, but change is normal. The entire premise of the show is based around transition.

“Life depends on change, and renewal.” - 2nd Doctor

“We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve got to keep moving forward, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” - 11th Doctor

"We’re capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are. We can honour who we’ve been and choose who we want to be next. Now’s your chance.” - 13th Doctor

That they chose to portray an honest view of what life is like for trans and non-binary folk is fantastic. It’s just in there amongst the wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. Is it perfect? No. I’ll bloody well take it though. It’s 1,000 times better than having some writer make a book about a male-bodied serial killer who wears dresses. As a writer, you could write anything and I’m so glad Russell T. Davis wrote this show. Allons-y!

“Never be cruel. Never be cowardly. Hate is always foolish. Love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.” - 12th Doctor

Transporter room

• Why representation matters: Doctor Who and the Star Beast - Trans Writes
• Doctor Who: Thoughts on the Star Beast - Disability Arts Online
• LGBTQ and Doctor Who | National Museums Liverpool
• Why Ncuti Gatwa’s Doctor Who debut is so important to queer fans
• A History of LGBTQ+ Inclusivity in Doctor Who | Doctor Who
• Doctor Who’s Doctor has always been queer – what’s the problem?
• (1) The ultimate disability inclusive Christmas gift guide

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

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petes out 🖖

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Today is the International Day of Persons with Disabilities. There’s no cake. No discount on heating. There is the eternal struggle of making those rich abled people realise just how important helping disabled people is. Yay? It should be default because when you use your power and wealth to help, it makes a difference. Apple made a lovely video showing off the importance of their Personal Voice feature. This feature allows you to make a digital version of your voice because who knows the future? It’s such a simple, little feature buried inside your phone and when you need it is life-changing. More of this please wealthy powerful folks.

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The photos in this post are from a wander around the middle of Wirral over 10 years ago when it was properly cold out. I used my old Panasonic GF1 camera. Fun little thing.

Stuff!

Christmas Prints! There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers, there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

If you enjoy this newsletter you can pledge your support. If enough people do so I’ll feel confident enough to enable subscriptions and feed my cats.

Is the Doctor neurodivergent?

Is the Doctor, from Doctor Who, neurodivergent? What do we mean by the term neurodivergent? It’s a term to describe someone who is autistic or has ADHD/Dyslexia/Dyspraxia/Dyscalculia/Dysgraphia/Down syndrome. I would describe myself as neurodivergent, as I’m autistic and I have ADHD. I’m not neurotypical, which is a person who does not have these conditions. They have an everyday brain that lets them get things done, pay bills, and generally not get distracted by shiny things.

Could The Doctor be neurodivergent? Well, they’re an alien. It’s hard to diagnose an alien from my couch, oh and it’s a TV show. There’s the issue of whether the Doctor is neurodivergent or just written that way? In science fiction, there is a trope that the alien is played in a way that could appear to be neurodivergent to appear different to the humans. Spock in Star Trek, for example, could also be described as being neurodivergent. Logical, emotionless and doesn’t quite get humans. If he was super into trains he’d be a classic male autistic stereotype. Let’s assume, for the sake of me writing this, that Doctor Who is a documentary (I mean, it is isn’t it) and we’re seeing a real person, not an actor running around the quarries of Wales pointing a toy at rabbits. What do I see?

I see is someone, who if human, may have neurodivergent traits. I’m seeing social interaction issues, attention issues (cybersquirrel!), hyperactivity, autistic special interests, ability to deep dive on topics and go off on wild tangents, honesty, companionship, and someone who makes interesting fashion choices that “normal” people don’t understand. As the majority of the world is neurotypical it is easy for them to see the Doctor as an alien. What I see, is me. Many times I’ve felt like an outsider or someone from another world simply because my brain isn’t typical. When I see the Doctor interact with humans, I see myself.

Who I see is someone confident in who they are using their talents to do good. If they are neurodivergent, they’ve gone all in. They embrace distractions and in letting their imagination run wild in a good way not a catastrophising way. There’s no moping around about how they don’t fit in because they’re an alien. While I sometimes feel that way, I am human on a planet covered with humans, The Doctor never fits in because they’re usually the alien in the room. They’re just themselves. Unapologetically themselves. No attempt is made to fit in. At one point the Doctor’s companion, Rose, asks why he has a northern accent. His reply “A lot of places have a north.” The Doctor is simply who they are. Each time they regenerate they take a beat to figure themselves out, and then… acceptance. That’s them. They’re The Doctor. Allons-y!

I can certainly see myself in the Doctor in a way that I can’t in Star Trek. As a kid, I saw a lot of me in Data, but that roboticness was me masking in a way to protect myself from the world. When everyone around you is neurotypical, when you don’t see yourself anywhere you do feel alien. Nothing makes sense. Everyone else seems to get how to live but I had no idea how to exist on this planet. So I shut myself away behind a mask. It’s taken decades to undo that.

This is why representation matters, even if it’s seeing a bit of yourself in a fictional time lord flying around in a phone box. Every one of us needs to imagine we can be better than we are by seeing someone like us do good, be confident and have fun. That’s what I see when I see the Doctor. A possible version of myself that is more confident in who they are.

I’m making progress. I’m trying to mask less in my older age. Knowing that I’m autistic with ADHD means I know why certain things happen to me. There’s a certain logic to my life now, or at least an understanding. So I can accept that, I can accept myself because I can explain why I am the way I am. Timelord? No. Neurodivergent, yes. You can call me, The Photographer… Said in that way it sounds cheesier than the moon, and yet there are many times when I do identify myself as “The Photographer”. But while I may dress like a time lord, but I’m not cool enough to have my pronoun be the definitive article. Or am I?

The Doctor may or may not be neurodivergent. They may be a TV trope or they may be written by neurodivergent people hoping to see a little bit more of themselves on TV. Who knows? What is important, to me, is feeling like my issues are useful. I don’t have to save all of time and space. I just have to be me. A silly autistic non-binary person with a little time machine, my camera. Easily distracted but always curious. Being different is great, and bowties are cool.

Transporter room

• The seven queerest moments in Doctor Who history
• Apple Shares ‘The Lost Voice’ Short Film, Companion Ebook
• Scientist Attempts To Overcome MND! | Peter: The Human Cyborg - YouTube
• The BBC TV drama Doctor Who: from a disability perspective - Disability Arts Online
• The 25 Shortlisted People’s Choice Photos of Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2023 | PetaPixel
• Winners of the 2023 Natural Landscape Photography Awards

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend. New subscriber? View the archives online.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖 Instagram

Christmas Prints! Ding ding ding. Come and get em. There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers, there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

Christmas Prints!

Also, I’ve enabled Pledges on this ’ere newsletter. They’re a way of me asking if people would be OK paying for a subscription. If people start pledging I’ll know I can invest more time into extra features. It would be nice to build up to having a healthy subscriber base on HelloComputer as it takes me a day/day and a half to make each issue. That time needs to pay for itself as I have cats who like being fed. So let’s see how pledges go for a while.

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The photos in this post are from various early morning ferry trips ‘cross the Mersey. Loved that early light.

Depression. What? What?! WHAT?!

My foot sprain is not getting better. Coming up to 6 weeks now. I was pain-free this week so I caught up with some housework, did 2 photo commissions and now it’s back to sleepless nights and pain. I have to work. I can just about get through a commission which is good because I need money. A lens broke recently too. One of the cheapest, but still.

Between the foot sprain and my arthritis, I’m catastrophising. If this is me at 45, how do I get to 85? 6 weeks of lying on the couch has been worse for my mental health than physical. I can feel the depression I had 2 years ago, waiting. The other week I was telling my wife I was doing good. No depressive feelings. Now? I can feel it rolling around at the back of my brain.

It’s hard to fight at this time of year. It’s the “most wonderful time of the year!” Aw, the baby Jesus. Big daddy Santa. The warming glow of capitalism. People are simply having a wonderful Christmas time. It’s like the entire world is saying “Why so glum glummypants? Just unglum yourself. Smile!” I’ll get right on that once I’ve set fire to your shirt and asked you to smile.

Blergh. Woe is me, or as autocorrect cheerfully attempted “Wow is me”. Maybe me is wow? So my knees are toast, my foot hurts, my headphones are failing and a lens just broke. I was still able to photograph a queer event filled with amazing people and I’m being commissioned to do photography. I’m managing to pay the bills and do some good for my clients.

That’s the thing, right? A way to fight depression, do good. I know it sounds like inspirational quote nonsense but it’s basically what the therapist told me 18 months ago. Even if you don’t feel like it, do things. Tick off your task list. No matter how small a task. Do some good and feel a sense of accomplishment. It takes time, but it helps.

Speaking of time, as I write this it is Doctor Who Day. If there’s one thing the show teaches you it’s to have hope and believe in yourself. Also, remember to not blink near statues. Mainly, hope and self-belief. Sure it’s a fictional character but isn’t it better to believe in yourself and hope things will get better than to not? Of course, you have to do the work too. That’s what you see the Doctor do. Believes in him/her/their self and has hope for a better future. It’s not about time travel or technobabble. Watch the episode “The Eleventh Hour” and you’ll see a Doctor without their stuff solve problems with self-belief and a fair bit of running around.

So, maybe I need to take a minute. Refresh my glass half full of self-belief and hope things will improve if I do good things. Alonss-y, as the Doctor would say… No, I’m not sure I believe that. It’s all too nice, too self-help book. Maybe it works but I’m too depressed to see the value of it. My therapist would probably agree there. I’d love to believe it can work. I’d love to watch an episode of Doctor Who each morning and then get to work filled with inspiration and self-belief. Life doesn’t work that way though. All my energy is currently going into dealing with pain. Wow is me eh?

I wrote this on the bus into town on Doctor Who Day feeling, well I’m sure you can tell how I felt. In pain both mentally and physically. It hurt to go to an event, but I did. It was fascinating. My brain started being less depressed and more interested in the work. My wife and I went home and watched a new episode of Doctor Who. I cried. I felt seen and my brain was alive with positivity because of what was going on. Alive!

It felt good to cry, to feel. Depression numbs you so nothing seems worthwhile. You have to fight that. Easier typed than done. I’ve been there. Many times, I’ve been there. I’m trying to be elsewhere now and it might actually be working. If I could somehow trigger my brain to feel this way each morning, the things I could do. I could make a cup of tea because it actually felt worthwhile doing so. Life would be amazing, or perhaps doable.

Depression. Fight it. Keep fighting it. Every day, every moment. Talk to people and find ways to fight it. Have hope that the next thing you do will either be a nice cup of tea or watch an amazing new episode of your favourite show. Keep fighting. Allons-y!

Transporter room

• People’s stories | National Museums Liverpool
• Pulling at the threads of ableism – Uncover Liverpool
• An Allyship Guide to Celebrating Transgender Day Of Remembrance
• Some Alien Shit Going Down at Stonehenge
• QueerAF to launch a Trans+ History Week in May 2024 -
• This Archive Offers an Incredible Window Into the Early Trans Internet | Them
• My Journey of Discovering My ADHD — Authentically Emily

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic writer and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a wander around London back in 2015. I haven’t been for a wander around London in nearly 4 years. I miss it.

Captain’s Log

My silly foot sprain is making me miss sunrises. Blergh.

Trans Awareness Week

Are you aware that I’m non-binary, and that identifying as non-binary means you fall under the umbrella of being transgender? Awareness raised! I imagine a lot of people aren’t aware. It wasn’t until a few years ago when my ADHD brain had a thought, which led my autistic brain to want to read everything, which left me going “Huh. It me?”

Having access to information made me more aware of who I am. It was useful. Did I spend my days hanging around with queer folk only to dress like them to win their approval? Nope. Had I seen #TransBucketHatChallenge trending on Ten, the social network formally known as Twitter, and wanted to join in? Nope. I was simply curious and the information was out there to read. I came to a conclusion and embraced what it meant to me.

What it meant was that I now go out, every day, in a skirt and makeup. Most days are fine. Everyone stares. Every time. I find it oddly empowering. I love it when someone sees me, then whispers to their partner and they both look back to take a look. I’m aware of these moments and I meet their gaze every time. “You’re not gawping for free. I see you.” Sometimes a gang of men, who are still primary school lads because the patriarchy is their friend and lets them be dicks, will be a bit much for me to brush off. Once, only once so far, has someone actually said something hateful to me. They were very aware of me and they made me very aware of their hatred towards me. One simple word said so casually.

It hasn’t put me off wearing skirts. like to think that the way I present to the world is a queer act of rebellion, a colourful fun way of raising awareness. Some people ask why I’m dressed like I am and that opens up a nice conversation. At least once a week someone says something nice to me. It’s hard to process because I spent 90% of my life being bland and never getting compliments. “Nice use of black everything. Really goes with your liquorice.” Now, strangers are surprisingly nice people.

In an unexpected way, my new rebellious punk look in an attempt to raise awareness of non-binary folk has led me to be aware of the power of a simple act of kindness from a stranger.

Transporter room

• Why diverse new Doctor Who series means so much to trans fans
• Mayan Toledano finds artists, friends, lovers & partygoers in Mexico City
• What does the trans community need more than awareness right now? -
• I was in a Channel 4 documentary – what happened next broke my heart | Metro News
• Yo-Yo Ma Just Released a Song With a Drag Queen and an Indigenous Trans Musician | Them
• ‘Changing our language takes some work, but trans and non-binary people are worth it’
• We’ve made you a playlist of certified bops by trans artists -
• Think You Have SAD? Think Again | WIRED UK

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic writer and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a 2009 trip up the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool. Amazing view.

Captain’s Log

I haven’t been out much in recent days. No morning swims, bike rides or wanders to Pokemon gyms. I sprained my big toe a few weeks ago and it is taking an age to heal. I had hoped to start a vlog on my new swimming journey for this newsletter. Unfortunately, I can’t walk the distance back home if I swim somewhere, and it is taking a long time to find a wetsuit that fits properly. The foot will heal. It always does and by then I will have a wetsuit that fits. Stay tuned.

Do I have enough time left for a career?

I had my Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis 5 years ago. Slowly, I’m learning to understand what that means. How do I make changes to my life? What is the future? What does it mean for work? It’s a slow learning process. I’ve lost big jobs by trying new coping strategies. I feel annoyed and regret over that, but there is every chance the jobs would have been too chaotic and overwhelming for me. I’ll never know if they were the kind of jobs that push you or break you.

Now I have a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder type Innatentive (ADHD) I can see myself in 5 years’ time being in a similar position. Making adjustments and failing in many ways. It may take 5 years to put new foundations in, and a further 5 to build on them. That would leave me with 10 years before retirement age to have a working career.

Crumbs.

10 ish years. My university friends will have had 40+ years. I know I shouldn’t have stayed in the computing industry. I wouldn’t have had the experiences that have shaped my life. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Yet here I am, in a moment of weakness while the kettle boils, pondering my future.

A future I have little real control over. It’s like swimming in a strong current. I can improve at that, but I can’t change the current. I may get swept out to sea and drown before I get to my last 10 years of work. Yay, upsides.

While I am not going to worry too much about this (ha! - future Pete), it does make me hope for a better future. Imagine being able to go into your adult life with the same grounding and self-awareness that your average neurotypical person has. We’ve got to make the future better for those behind us. No regrets about my past, but pondering how to avoid it in the future. Hopefully, projects such as this can offer people insight into the life of an autistic adult with ADHD so that younger people can better plan for their future.

Transporter room

• How to Navigate Using Nature
• 2023 Finalists :: Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards - Conservation through Competition
• How Lee Miller revolutionized the role of women in photography | Huck
• Doctor Who’s 60th Anniversary Specials Have a New Trailer and Release Dates | Them
• Police Helicopter Gets Close to a Rare Full-Circle Rainbow | PetaPixel
• Focal Point– Capturing Community & Heritage - Photoworks

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a recent trip to Blackpool, during the Illuminations.

Captain’s Log

At the age of 45 I’ve come to realise that one of my migraine triggers is the moon. I get Moongraines. I’m not exactly sure what the trigger is, but I have had enough of them to notice the pattern. Migraines occur around full moons. How do I compensate for that? It’s (gesticulating wildly) … the moon! I can’t, which means that this week I had a migraine.

It was a bad one. The worst I’ve had in 20 years. Was the moon closer than normal? Are the Clangers up to something? Who knows. What I do know is it’s left me with a bad case of brain fog and I have been unable to focus enough to write.

So, no big story this week I’m afraid. Let’s see what next week brings.

Transporter room

• I was in a Channel 4 documentary – what happened next broke my heart | Metro News
• How to feel grounded - The Clearing by Katherine May
• Quil Lemons explores queerness and the Black male form in new series Quiladelphia (NSFW)
• Why Some of the Rainbow Is Missing

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a commission in Blackpool for artists Amigo and Amigo as part of the light installation festival. It was nice to stop and look at a cloud of lights set against the backdrop of the sea.

Captain’s Log

In an attempt to mitigate issues from one medical condition, I inadvertently created another. This week I have mostly been recovering from Achilles tendon issues. It’s not all bad. I got to photograph comedian/artist Johnny Vegas. I even made him laugh.

Distrctions

Continuing my inward look at how ADHD affects me and what I can do about it, I gave some thought to managing distractions this week. Previously I have written about how to use Safari Profiles in macOS Sonoma (also available wherever you can install Safari 17)and iOS 17 to put my mind into a productive workflow. I have one profile for work and one for personal. It helps me reduce the chances of bumping into personal thoughts during work time, and switch off from work after. This has been useful, but it doesn’t stop me from opening a website and losing focus.

Another Apple feature, Screen Time, can help block distractions but it’s more about reducing access than blocking. You set limits. 5 minutes for Instagram. 10 minutes for Mini Motorways. If you need more you can push through the block. This is a system based on the idea that it’s too easy to sit on your phone all day, so maybe your phone should stop you after an allowed time. Fine, but not what I need.

Instead of getting real work done I became distracted by this idea and looked into ways to reduce being distracted. I found an app for macOS and iOS (Other apps may be available) called Ochi.

Ochi was built for people that want to quickly block distracting apps & websites, at the press of a button.

• Block access to iOS apps, Mac apps, and Websites
• Filter websites by category, including Social Media, Chat, and News
• Schedule Recurring Filters. No more social media on late weeknights!
• Apply multiple timed or untimed filters, with different rules
• Limit how often filters can be temporarily suspended
• Lock & hide sensitive filter details
• Assign shortcuts to filters that turn on Focus and filters on other devices
• Integrate Ochi into your workflow with Shortcut automations
• Sync filters between iPhone, iPad, and Mac
• Themeable widgets for quickly starting a filter

It is a subscription app, and becomes useful when you subscribe as it unlocks scheduling, suspending filters and website categories. You can also specify what website to redirect to when your concentration lapses. I am tempted to set it to Dennis Nedry finger wagging. The subscription is £20/year and isn’t too bad for me right now assuming this app helps.

I’ve set a schedule for weekdays, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. During lunch, I can pause that for 10 minutes to play Wordle with my wife. So far, the system works.

Not only does it block websites but it also blocks applications. I have it set to block gaming and media apps. Right now it’s taking a lot of my concentration not to open GeForce Now and see what Cities: Skylines 2 is like. Just 10 minutes? Right? Right??? I’ve found my muscle memory hitting Option+Space to launch Raycast quick launcher, typing Infuse (my Plex video client) and waiting to find something to watch. Only nothing happens and then I remember. It’s work time.

I’ve only been using the app for a few days, but I am finding it useful. Due to an ongoing foot issue, I’ve been working from the couch this week. It’s hard to feel like you’re at work on the couch. Ochi has helped keep me on track… mostly. My brain is trying to find new websites to be distracted by, but at least I can add them to the block list.

Transporter room

• 2023 movies like Barbie and Across the Spider-Verse give me trans joy - Polygon
• ADHD Burnout Recovery
• GitHub - XargsUK/awesome-adhd: A curated list of ADHD apps, books, ideas and resources across the web!
• How to Support Intersex People on Intersex Awareness Day — And Every Day | Them
• Cultivating creativity: The LEGO® Piece Garden invites us to rediscover the joys of play
• The iPhone 15 Pro brings tangible accessibility benefits – Six Colors

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a lovely chilly dip in the River Mersey as the sun came up. The next few months will be a lot of fun for dipping.

Captain’s Log

In an attempt to mitigate issues from one medical condition, I inadvertently created another. This week I have mostly been recovering from Achilles tendon issues. It’s not all bad. I got to photograph comedian / artist Johnny Vegas. I even made him laugh.

Autism and ADHD

In the morning I have a coffee, which doesn’t appear to affect my ADHD. So I have a cold shower and that wakes me up. I follow up with some fresh new music, Doom Loop by Dream Nails. I feel ready and excited for the day. Dopamine powers activate!

We head to the supermarket and it’s chaos. Everything everywhere, all at once. People. Products. Deals. Machines. Babies. Adults. Trollies. Lights. Camera. Shutdown. It’s a mess. I tried to decide between ciabatta bread and panini, a simple choice, but I appeared to be making it at a bottleneck point for trollies. It was a mess and I felt like I was the cause of the problem and needed to leave. I wasn’t. It’s just how I feel sometimes, like I’m in everyone’s way. I felt pressured and I couldn’t make a simple decision. My autistic sensory issues did not like this space.

Being autistic with ADHD is complex. My autistic side loves to hyper-focus on topics, but only when my ADHD side is really into it. Otherwise, my ADHD side wants to look out the window for squirrels. Some days my ADHD side is excited to get out into the world, but then it’s too bright and there are too many people around. My autistic side shuts me down.

My brain is constantly fighting itself. There are times when it all clicks. Working as a photographer in the arts I love new experiences. I get to photograph music, dance, galleries, people, and interesting objects. My ADHD side is curious and my autistic side wants to know more. I really enjoy those experiences. Learning, exploring, playing with light and the sense of achievement I get from seeing a photo work on the camera screen. It’s great. I’m happy being autistic with ADHD.

Life, for me, is a constant process of questioning and understanding who I am and how I function in the world. Having formal diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ADHD means I know I have these issues to live with. Life makes more sense now, even if it feels like a more complicated balancing act than it should be. “I just want to… but I can’t.” I know why I should avoid certain moments and go all in on others. Shopping at peak hours can ruin my day. Going to a museum with a camera can make me feel like I can function as a human. Slowly I am understanding my place in this world. Slowly.

Transporter room

• Moments of magic and bliss: Chris Burkard’s ocean photography | Oceans
• A guide for artists online. The internet might be your primary… | by Laura Brown | Oct, 2023 | Medium
• ‘Being in my 20s feels disgusting!’ Bella Ramsey on fame, fear and ‘daddy’ Pedro Pascal | Television
• Dylan Mulvaney on transphobia: ‘My womanhood is all I need to keep going’ - Attitude
• Apple’s new video reactions are making therapy incredibly awkward - The Verge
• Six Months Ago NPR Left Twitter. The Effects Have Been Negligible - Nieman Reports
• Imposter 22 interview: featuring cast members Cian Binchy and Lee Phillips - Disability Arts Online
• This Trans Volleyball Team Lights Up the Court in Panama - Outside Online

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a walk around a wood not far from where I was born. I know almost nothing about how I came to exist. Did my birth parents ever go here? It’s… odd.

Captain’s Log

I tried really hard this week to finish my thoughts on banking and ADHD, to make a decision and try these new tools I found. Unfortunately, I saw something shiny and ran after that instead. Life with ADHD is really, really, really, … squirrel.

Identity and adoption

Am I searching for community, connection and a better understanding of myself through those lenses because I’m adopted? Have I spent my life trying to figure out my birth? Is there anywhere that I’m connected to, or have I had to adopt everything I know?

My adoptive parents were kind and loving, but due to the actions of the Catholic church in the 1970s, I can’t help but feel a little messed up by the start of my life. They forced my birth mother to carry me to term and then give me up through shaming. Absolutely the wrong way to support a single mother. It’s odd to be in a situation where I am 100% for people’s rights and abortion, knowing that with the right support my birth mother may have aborted me. Perfectly normal way to start your life. There is no way this could have affected my connection to humanity at all.

My adopted dad was born in England but of Irish heritage and identified with his Irish side, his blood, more than his place of birth. For me, I identify as Welsh. I was born there, therefore I am Welsh. Yet I stayed for a short time before the adoption process was complete and have lived in England for 99% of my life. My birth mother, as far as I know, wasn’t Welsh. Legally I’m Welsh. Culturally I’m English but grew up with an Irish connection. When I stop and think, I’m not sure what culture I am. British? Even my accent is dull and unplaceable, but that could be an autistic trait.

I wonder if this lack of identity is what draws me to find community, only to not be able to connect due to autistic social anxiety. Is it ADHD being interested in something for just a moment and the reason I can’t connect is because my ADHD is already looking for a new thing to be excited by? Overthinking is an autistic characteristic. I may already have connections to communities in the way I want but I’m unable to feel it because I’m anxious and overthinking. Being me is fun.

Continuing to overthink, there are times when I wonder whether my disconnect from family, both found and related, is due to unprocessed adoption issues or autism and social anxiety issues. Knowing that my existence was an accident, that my birth mother was coerced into giving me up, and growing up with no “family” connection to lineage or culture has left me feeling like an outsider. What even is family? Again, this could be my natural autistic side that loves to question everything.

What I know is that like the film ‘Superman: The Movie’, I opened in 1978. You will believe a baby can cry. Unlike the movie, there’s no backstory explaining my origins. I was gifted to a lovely family but they couldn’t tell me who I was. Autism is genetic. That comes from somewhere. The rest? No idea. I self-identify as trans non-binary. That is something I have unconsciously felt for years and through lockdown came to process. I know that is me. I see myself in other non-binary people. I’m a Star Trek fan. I see myself in Trekkies. I’m a wild swimmer, a gamer, an Apple fan (boy/girl/enby?), and a cat owner. I see myself in those spaces but I never see myself in the world in the way everyone else does.

Transporter room

• 87: A Fish On Your Washing Machine — Parallel — Overcast
• Fiona MacNeill: “Everyday #accessibility - it i…” - toot.community
• J Houston’s dreamy portraits of a queer utopia in the Midwest | Dazed
• ‘Being autistic and queer is more than just my identity - it’s my superpower’
• ‘Stardew Valley’ Fans Are Urging the Developer to Add Pronoun Options | Them
• New data shows an 11% increase in hate crimes against trans people -

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are photos from a trip to Nessebar, Bulgaria 10 years ago. Lovely place. Avoid the area near by called Sunny Beach. It’s a manufactured space for English people. Ugh.

Captain’s Log

Captai’s log. Carrdate, today. I’ve been workshopping the idea of making my own personal Slack for business reasons. What if I could connect various tools I use for business and funnel all the notifications via Slack? For one I could have a good log of business events, but I could also mute Slack when in down time. This could just be a distraction from work or it could be a way to be more efficient at work. I’ll keep pondering.

Managing money with ADHD

I am awful at managing anything. I’ve spent years trying and trying and trying only to continually fail. Money is one of those major areas where I have trouble, and it’s not helped by being self-employed. There is no regular income whereby I can plan for. My life would be better off with a steady salary, budgets set in place and consistency. Unfortunately being undiagnosed autistic for most of my life meant I couldn’t work a 9–5 for “reasons”. So I built my own 9–5 and here we are. Diagnosed with a to-do list of problems split across multiple to-do apps.

Since getting my ADHD diagnosis a few weeks ago I’ve been thinking about money. The other night it occured to me to see if any banks are offering useful features. Good news! There are. Monzo and Starling, two which I looked into switching to about 3 years ago (ugh), come recommended by people with ADHD. They are both free to use and have additional features if you pay. At this point I can’t say which is the clear winner. People on Reddit have various opinions. Monzo does have a good list of blog posts and articles on how they can help with ADHD which is more than Starling.

The main features they offer for ADHD / neurodivergent people (btw I heard the term neurospicy recently and kinda like it) are;

• Pots (Monzo / Spaces (Starling) - allow you to automatically save into separate spaces to organise your money
• Budgeting facilities - with Monzo you can set spending budgets
• Both Monzo and Starling are on Github. Nice.
• Monzo has a community forum but I can’t find one for Starling but there is a Starling Reddit (4,500 members), and a Monzo one (14,800 members).
• Virtual cards - Free on Starling / Paid on Monzo - you could have a shopping-only card so you can save for the weekly shop and take money only from that pot
• Joint accounts on both as long as both people have a separate account on that platform
• From someone on the Monzo forum - “I find Monzo plus to be worth the £5/month. The live budgeting really helps with impulse control and helps you see the route to recovery when you overspend on something.”

I can see a lot of those features being useful to me. Having the ability to put money into as many virtual accounts as I want, so I can better plan for tomorrow, is helpful. What would be even better, and I don’t know if banks offer this, is to automatically put 30% of an incoming payment directly into a savings pot. What I could do with is a money-saving AI, but a good, safe and secure one.

I like the idea of virtual cards attached to pots/spaces so I could put aside money for beer and only see that account’s balance instead of thinking I have “loads” of money. Both banks have good budgeting facilities to help you manage your money and show you what you’re spending it on.

Issues

• Monzo doesn’t support receiving international payments for business users and recommends Wise
• I saw one person on Reddit say that Monzo sometimes tries to upsell you on the Plus / Premium accounts
• Monzo’s European fees are free up to £200/month outside EEA (3% thereafter) and free up to £250/month inside EEA (3% thereafter) whereas Starling has no limits or fees
• Starling doesn’t do personal loans and Monzo doesn’t do business loans
• Open Banking Support is a Plus/Premium feature on Monzo so you can see all your accounts in Monzo. Starling doesn’t appear to offer this feature. I use MoneyWiz to see all my accounts at once and tell me how bad things really are.
• To pay in a cheque with Monzo, you must mail it to them. I’m used to scanning it with my banking app. If I have to mail something, that’s not getting sorted anytime soon. Starling offers scanning via app.
• Monzo doesn’t support Samsung Pay but does support Google & Apple Pay. Starling supports all three.
• To use Monzo Business with a 3rd party accountancy app like FreeAgent, QuickBooks or Xero you’ll need to pay for a Pro account. It’s free with Starling.

Which is best?

I’m finding it hard to choose. Monzo says that they designed their service for people like me and from some users’ comments I can believe that. Monzo has a lot of blog posts on their site, more users on their Reddit and lots of videos on YouTube. There’s tons of support out there for it.

One autistic user mentioned that they prefer Starling for its clarity. My feeling is that Monzo is best with the paid Plus account for £5/month, but you can get close enough with a free Starling account. Starling might be better for my business account as it can take international payments and has free connectivity to my accountancy software, FreeAgent.

I’m leaning towards Starling. The logical thing to do is try Starling for work and Monzo for personal and see how they do.

FYI, searching for Starling and ADHD on YouTube brings up a lot of ASMR videos by someone called Starling ASMR. Hard to find anything useful there. There are plenty of Monzo videos on YouTube.

More info

• Starling vs Monzo – Which One Should You Use?
• The Best Bank Accounts for the Self-Employed in 2023
• Starling vs Monzo: The Best Bank Account Ever?
• ADHD - Monzo vs Starling
• How I use Monzo Bank to Manage my Expenses with ADHD (2022)| Monzo App Tutorial & Setup ADHD Edition - An “OK” video with odd occasional jarring text flashing on the screen.
• ADHD & Money - Natalie Ledward (Monzo Bank) From the Global ADHD Conference

Transporter room

• New data: Rise in hate crime against LGBTQ+ people continues, Stonewall slams UK Gov ‘inaction’ | Stonewall
• Emma - Money Management - How to cancel subscriptions
• Autistics at Work – BOM Birmingham open Media
• Open Eye Gallery A Spotlight on… Eva Jonas - Open Eye Gallery
• LGBTQ+ Photography Club: West Sussex - Photoworks
• Cold water immersion therapy: do the benefits outweigh the risks? | Health & wellbeing
• Play with cast of disabled and autistic actors to open at London’s Royal Court | Royal Court theatre
• Imposter 22 interview: featuring cast members Cian Binchy and Lee Phillips - Disability Arts Online
• WATER RATS | jillian-edelstein

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

In early 2021, I started streaming after a few months of watching people on Twitch. After a while, I recognised that the way I interacted with my audience was not too dissimilar from that of ADHD streamers. Knowing that there is a Venn Diagram for autism and ADHD I asked my doctor for a diagnosis. After waiting to get on the waiting list, and waiting 2 years, I got my diagnosis. ADHD type inattentive. Basically, ADHD without the H, hyperactivity. It’s taken a while.

What does that mean? You’re a nut! You’re crazy in the coconut! What does that mean? That boy needs therapy I’m gonna kill you, that boy needs therapy Play the kazoo, let’s have it tune On the count of three That, that, that, that, that boy.. boy needs therapy.

Sorry, got distracted by a song lyric. If there was ever a song that displayed ADHD it’s Frontier Psychiatry by The Avalanches.

2.5 years to better understand yourself at the age of 45. Do I wish it had come sooner? Absolutely. I’m doing 20 things all at once and getting nothing done. I have been for years. I’m not getting anything done. Time blindness makes me late for too much which causes me to rush around which triggers anxiety and then depression. The whole out of sight out of mind object permanence thing means I will completely forget about everything that isn’t in front of me, even stuff I love. I’ve been updating my website for years, trying to blog new work for years, never having the time to update Instagram, send invoices, or do anything important.

At 45 I feel like I’m just starting out. Now I know I’m autistic with ADHD, now I understand why I could never manage money, my diet, my health, and my life. Now I can start to work with my issues instead of comparing myself to neurotypical people and sinking into depression, at 45. Blergh. Maybe…

I could have got a diagnosis sooner by going private but I don’t have £300 to drop on a whim that might not pay off. Even if I did, you can’t get the medication on the NHS for free, so you have to spend £100 a month on it. I don’t have that extra cash. So, I waited. Now I’m on a 7-month waiting list to start medication. It may not help and it could worsen my anxiety, but it may actually help. I might be 50 by the time I’m just getting a handle on it. Listening to people on podcasts, I may never get a handle on it.

If you’re curious about fees, the company I was referred to has a price listing page.

Where next? I have to work on this by myself. Better focus on task and time management. Annoyingly I’ve already forgotten about the Pomodoro time management app I tried 2 weeks ago. Ugh. I need to rebuild my phone into a focus machine. If I could only stay focused long enough… squirrel!

I’m happy with the diagnosis. I’ve been living with it for 2 years as a self-diagnosed ADHD person, but now I know it’s real. It’s good to have that information. Other than access to possibly helpful medication I didn’t think there was any real benefit to knowing. The psychologist informed me of the UK’s ‘Access to Work’ scheme whereby, with a formal diagnosis, you can get access to funding which could pay for an ADHD coach. Useful maybe? During peak Covid times I was able to get a booster before my wife because I was officially diagnosed as autistic. I would suggest you speak to your GP if you are curious. The waiting list is probably longer now and there is a global shortage of medication. Good news is that may not be an issue by the time you’re diagnosed.

What now? On top of trying to get anything done, I have to work on trying to get anything done. Good job I can focus on...