Some days change breaks me

A wild change appeared

While making breakfast I asked my wife what should we have for tea. She said that we had burgers last week so this week it’s sandwich steak. “Cool.” I replied. “But it’s not beef it’s lamb.” She said.

I’m mentally taking deep breathes into a brown paper bag. It’s not food I know. Oh frick. It’s not steak. Steak is cow but removed from the idea of cow as I dislike the idea of eating animals but have such complex food issues I can’t go fully vegetarian so I eat steak not beef. So I’m still eating steak right? Yeah. It’s still steak. Totally fine. I eat pork, beef, chicken, quorn, vegan sausages. Totally fine.

But it’s not steak. It’s lamb. It’s not right.

My wife tells me it’s fine. We have other food. I can have vegan sausage rolls instead. Totally fine. I want to be a better person and face issues head on. So I plan to, maybe, try this not steak steak. It’s better to try and grow than runaway. It’s a safe environment. No pressure. Worst thing that happens is my wife gets double sandwiches. Totally fine. Well, maybe. Worst thing that happens is I throw up and have a traumatic memory to focus on for weeks if not years. Yay.

What’s the real issue here? What is my autistic brain doing? Is it dealing with change or dealing with food? Both?

My wife suggested we do some mini sausage rolls and that I try the lamb in a small portion. That’s 2 mains. That’s not right. No no. We should do hash browns as that compliments the lamb sandwich main. Can’t have 2 mains. That’s not right.

I feel totally thrown like I’ve been getting my house number wrong all these years or something. Nothing makes sense any more. I can’t decide on food for tea. I can’t… I just can’t. I’ve got a whole day of decision making to do and I am spent. All my spoons torn asunder. So I guess this is a change issue not a food issue.

I’m sat here with women’s nail polish on and I’m a man. Why am I getting hung up on meal etiquette? If we went to a charcuterie they bring you mains till you die at the table. Mains mains mains mains mains. Everything’s a mains. What is right? Whatever you darn well want to be. Be different. Remember? That’s my thing. It’s on my car window sticker. It’s my motto. Embrace being different because I’m happier being different.

It’s not “steak” though. It’s not “right”.