Why don't I miss anything?

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Why don’t I miss things?

Often I bump into a radio show, article, podcast conversation or tweet where someone says “I can’t wait to… after lockdown.” Every time I think “I’m fine. There’s nothing I’m going to rush out and do.” It’s strange. There are things I enjoy when I do them but I don’t miss them.

There’s an article on the Echo that is absurd. People miss small talk? Going to the doctors? I can only assume it’s generic content for Google because people can’t really miss those things. I’m listening to BBC 6 Music and people want to go shopping, to beer gardens, to the library and so on. I’m fine?

I’ve been trying to figure out why. Do I have everything I need? Maybe? I don’t have everything I want but that is a different question. I have space to walk, run, cycle, swim and views to enjoy outside. Ever changing views that keep me engaged. I have things to take photos of and video games to play. There is new content to watch and podcasts to listen to. I’m fine?

Why? If I was fine why would I be thinking that I’m not? Simple comparison to others? My brain goes negative rather than positive. I feel like there’s something wrong with me rather than something ok with me. I should be glad I don’t need to get back into the world and be ok with home life. I should be drawing positives from this and smugly lording my okness over others (nah).

It’s ok to not be ok. Am I not ok or am I ok? Is it ok to be ok? My brain says no. Why don’t I miss things? If I had the vaccine today what would I do tomorrow? The same thing I currently do every day. Try to bake over the world!

I ask myself whether I miss things or whether my brain is in an emotionless state preventing me from feeling anything? Am I triggered by others so quickly that my brain shutdowns and I can’t connect a memory to the emotion of missing something? I genuinely don’t know. I think back to memories of walking around Paris, beaches of Croatia, watching the world go by on a train and buying real chocolate eclairs. I am aware of those memories yet there is no feeling there. If you beamed me to my beach in Croatia I would have a lovely time and I wouldn’t want to leave I’m sure. So why don’t I miss it?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Do I not have a heart? There is a cliche that autistic people are robots. The portrayal of Spock on Star Trek could be based on an autistic person. I certainly have my Spock like moments where logic is the best way forward and emotion is confusing nonsense that should be ignored. Is this one of those moments? I can’t say. I can say that I do feel and emote. I emoted last night and had fun watching and engaging on Twitch talking about visiting Venice. I enjoyed listening to music and eating cookies. I am not a robot. I am simply different.

So if I have emotions where are they? Why don’t I miss things? Am I so easily distracted by a new thought to explore that I don’t have time to miss something? No I’m not sure that’s it either. If I sit down and really try to think about tomorrow then I can’t. There’s nothing coming to mind.

I certainly get FOMO when I see something going on. I know if I don’t attend something with my camera that I will feel like I missed out. That is more regret than missing something. I never had it and now I really want it. Classic FOMO. I don’t miss that… I think.

Argh! Why don’t I miss? Why can I remember but not connect? I don’t feel depressed. I don’t think it’s that. In a way it feels more like if I don’t do something for a while then the connection breaks and is only reconnected when I repeat the activity. “Oh I missed this.” I didn’t but upon engaging with the thing I realised I did. What is that?

When you’ve been diagnosed with mental health conditions and also diagnosed as autistic it can be complicated trying to figure out what is causing issues. I genuinely have no idea why I feel disconnected from missing things. Autism? Depression? I should simply accept this as who I am and be grateful that I’m not crying everyday over things I’ve lost. Problem is I have anxiety issues. Worriers going to worry.

weekly prints

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I have a limited selection prints for sale on my archive print shop. Featuring Liverpool, New York, Venice, The Wirral, and beyond (starscapes!)

This week’s photographs were mostly taken in 2014 in Venice. While on a trip there in 2012 I noticed how unusual it was to hang washing over a canal. So much anxiety and yet quite beautiful. So I started taking photos.

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