Will I ever be ready to live?

My perfectionist personality profoundly ponders problems, persistently. It's... pretty problematic. Nothing is properly started because the foundations are never right. If I were to build a house from scratch I would spend my life studying how to build a house, rather than building one. It is exceptionally rare to see an episode of Grand Designs where the process is smooth sailing. Life is messy, and to quote someone who once said a thing... "Perfect is the enemy of good." No one ever says that they want to live a perfect life, but they do say they want to live a good one. At 47, am I living yet?

To my credit, I do manage to get a few things going. This newsletter for one. I started it by accepting that it would not be very good in the beginning and the only way it would get better was to keep at it. Just like cold water swimming. Sitting on the couch thinking about being cold while googling swim socks is not the same as getting in the water and seeing what's what. To quote The Matrix; "There's knowing the path, and walking the path." For whatever reason, there is a part of me that is constantly trying to understand the path rather than accepting that the point of it is to walk it. Then there's the part of me that tries to figure out the part of me that is trying to figure out the path. I need problems to solve. Or maybe that's the problem?

Recently I watched a video by someone with OCD, and the way they described OCD got me thinking. "Is that me?" But before I jumped into a chat with an AI (Almost Intelligent) bot, I stopped myself. "Do I have OCD? Is this a problem in my life I need to solve?" I decided it did not need solving, and went about my day. This isn't the first time I've questioned whether I have OCD. I've spoken with someone about it and they concluded that I don't, and yet... I am obsessively compelled to figure out if I am or not, and if not, to figure out why I am OCD adjacent.

The part of my brain, possibly the autistic pattern-matching researcher part, notices too much and needs to satisfy the never-ending question of "But why?" But why do I need to answer it? Couldn't I go for a walk instead? Yes, but it wouldn't solve the problem that is me. It took me 38 years to figure out I was autistic, and a further 5 to figure out I have ADHD, and during that time I also figured out I am non-binary. Doing so helped me to better understand why I take photos, or that I need medication to correct an attention issue. If I could understand those issues, I could correct them and be a better version of myself. I could be more productive and make a decent living. Couldn't I?

While thinking about all this the other day, I realised that this internal need to fix every little aspect of myself was potentially a waste of time. The idea that I could really start my career only once I had figured out all the issues that were holding me back was just silly. Once I got my autism diagnosis, I looked into being non-binary, and then ADHD, and just when I felt settled my life was turned upside down by COVID or ADHD meds. A new problem to solve. I always need a new problem to solve.

Being autistic makes things more complicated. I hyperfocus on things, putting everything else aside until I have finished the project. It's like reading a review of a task management app, then another 10 reviews, and spending a week tinkering with it to get it just right. Only then to read another review of some other app and repeat. I am so concerned with how to get things done that I do not get anything done.

It's the story of my life. A life spent trying to figure out how to live while everyone else lives. I realised that it's ultimately pointless because life changes around you. It could take me 10 years to learn how to be a 40-year-old autistic person, except by then I would be a 50-year-old autistic non-binary person with ADHD and possibly chronic fatigue. So I would need 20 years to figure out how to live with all those aspects of myself? I'd be 70 and trying to figure out how to be a retired person looking to build a career because they spent too much time worrying about everything else.

While browsing Hacker News I stumbled upon a post by popular self-helper Tim Ferriss, who said, after a 20-year career in self-help:

If I fix the things that aren't OK, all will be well. If I improve myself enough, if I only work hard enough, I can finally eliminate my suffering.

Someone in the comments mentioned a post by Oliver Burkeman that complemented Tim's thought:

I might be stuck with certain inner disturbances forever [...] It turns out my really big problem was thinking I might one day get rid of all my problems, when the truth is that there's no escaping the mucky, malodorous compost-heap of this reality. Which is OK, actually. Compost is the stuff that helps things grow.

Are either of these people worth listening to? I can't say. I haven't subscribed to their newsletters, despite their ideas being intriguing. My takeaway was simply that I really need to stop thinking about every aspect of my being and fill that time with lived experiences.

For a while now I've been wondering if the existence of this newsletter is bad for me. A space to think, analyse, ponder, and deconstruct myself. Is that a good thing to do every day just to have something to write about once a week? It's not like this newsletter has made me ruminate on my issues any more than I was. I've been doing that online since I could FTP into my own server in the 90s. In fact, I applied to study psychology and computing (an odd mix, I know) at Chester Uni in 1997. Pondering on what makes people tick has always been an interest of mine. Where it becomes problematic is if that's all I do. Analyse, google, ask AI, analyse more and miss living because I'm worried I haven't quite figured out how to live. Make decisions. Make mistakes. Laugh, cry, rinse and repeat.

If there's one thing I've learned from cold water swimming, it's that I will be anxious before doing something and that anxiety will lead me to overthink the situation. There are no answers in that process. The answers are in the water. Which is super self-help catchphrase mumbo jumbo because what if that water is filled with proper stingy jellyfish? No, I do think too much. It's part of being autistic. Can I out-think my overthinking? Probably not. But I can learn to spot when it's a problem, so it doesn't get in the way of me living a good life.

Links

• What if you never sort your life out?.
• Noticing, Not Performing. Many people struggle to journal because they sit down to write and they simply don’t know what to say. They stare at the blank page, waiting for something deep and meaningful to come to them.
• Hands On With Anthropic’s Claude Cowork, an AI Agent That Actually Works | WIRED. Cowork is a user-friendly version of Anthropic’s Claude Code AI-powered tool that’s built for file management and basic computing tasks. Here’s what it's like to use it.
• LFC and Carlsberg capture true spirit of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' with inclusive campaign - Liverpool FC. Liverpool FC and longest-standing partner Carlsberg are working together to make the Anfield matchday experience more inclusive, introducing a British Sign Language (BSL) rendition of 'You’ll Never Walk Alone' for supporters.
• Pokémon turns 30! Explore the archives of original artworks that defined our childhoods. The cartoon has dominated pop culture for three straight decades. In celebration of its birthday, we take a look back at some original designs, with insights from avid Pokemon art collectors.
• You Need to Be Bored. Here’s Why.. Here’s a short video by Arthur Brooks (that you are probably watching on your phone) about why you should log off...
• Finding Light: How Photography Helps People Live with Chronic Illness. Discover how photography helps people with chronic illness find joy, purpose, and connection, turning pain into creativity and hope.