Yearly Review 2024

A look back at my "Year of being OK". Was it OK?

Year of being OK

In December, I set my yearly theme for the next 12 months. It is more of a guide for the year than a strict New Year Resolution that you beat yourself up about for failing 5 days in. Previously, I've gone for;

2021 - Year of Something Else
2022 - Year of Courage and Connection
2023 - Year of Queer

For 2024? Here's what I wrote last year.

I started to realise I do not have a handle on my anxiety, and it warps every aspect of my life. I need to have a handle on it. So, my theme for this year is "Being OK". I want to be OK with things that aren't perfect. OK, with the fact I exist. OK, with who I am and what I can do. OK with my body, my work, my house. I want to be OK and live.

In simple terms,

Brain: "You can't do that!" Me: "It's OK. It'll be OK."

As the year draws to a close, was I OK in 2024? At times, I surprised myself. I was more than OK. I lived.

Posed "naked" in a rainbow bathtub in the famous Liver Building on the Liverpool waterfront for all to see

However, there were times when I was not OK;

I became “OK” with money, in that I switched my personal account to Monzo and my business account to Starling. The features they provide have been invaluable for me as a neurodivergent person. Pots help me put aside money for new tools I need for work and save for my Tax Return. I have a “Monthly Bills” pot with a specific target to meet, so I know I can pay the bills. I even have a Wage pot where I put aside money each week so that at the end of the month, I get “paid”. This goes from Starling to Monzo, and a rule in Monzo takes most of that and puts it into a personal “Monthly Bills” pot. Full-time employed people will have taken this for granted, and it seems like such a “Well, duh!” thing, but my previous bank accounts never had such features. They left me to deal with everything on my own. I’m 46, and nearly 30 years after becoming an adult, I’m finally getting a handle on money. All this is because I’m disabled, and high street banks never catered for me.

Hearing aids became an unexpected new health toy in 2024. In February, I took a test at my local NHS place, and there and then, they said, “You have mild/severe loss. Here are your hearing aids.” After nearly a year with them, they have become essential to everything from TV to talking with my wife to work. I would strongly advise that everyone gets their hearing checked. It is not a big deal having to wear them. People are surprised when I tell them I’m wearing them. No one notices, and you quickly become used to wearing them. Just remember to take them off before you shower. If you have Apple AirPods Pro 2 and iOS 18.2, you can now take a hearing test with them from home.

Along with hearing aids, I also started ADHD medication. After 11 months on them, I’m still adjusting. At the start I felt nothing, then they kicked in, and I felt a proper jolt of energy in the morning. The ADHD team felt like it was too much so they dropped me down. For a while, this was OK but after nearly a year I don’t feel their effects. At least I do not feel the jolt of energy. About 1 hour after taking them I feel “fine” and able to work. Distractions are still seducing me, and it is still hard to focus. After taking a 3-week break while I travelled the side effects hit hard and left me with absolutely no energy for a month. Previously I thought this was Post-Viral Fatigue after COVID-19, but it may have been an electrolyte imbalance. I now drink an electrolyte drink each morning which seems to have helped. A part of me hoped they would “fix” me so I could be productive at work/home. They haven’t.

There is a chance that the ADHD medication has helped this year. I was able to organise the house so we could get the roof repaired, a new radiator installed in the front room and new windows put in. For the first time in years our front room is warm. Pre-med me always got lost in researching the best/right solution to a problem I did not understand. This year, I got something done, and it worked. So, maybe they help?

I was “OK” enough to do my tax return in the summer, or at least most of it. Unfortunately it revealed that work is not “OK”. Despite constantly working, I haven’t properly played a video game in a year, my full-time job brings in less than part-time money. My take-home wage is just over 1/3rd of the minimum wage. If I’m not out taking photos, I’m editing them or posting to social media or my blog or sorting accounts or, doing emails or managing TBs of data. I’m on my laptop till I go to bed. Even with ADHD medication, a warmer office, and a new fast computer I’m struggling more than I ever have. I tried to “Do the work”, like some inspirational poster on social media would say, but it did not work. Now what? sigh Work is not “OK”, but at least I’m not alone. Yay?

The “Year of being OK” has been helpful. It’s been a good theme to focus on. I can see that work is really not OK, and somehow, I need to fix that. A positive is that it has possibly highlighted when I am at my best, and that might be through dopamine-fueled activities. There were multiple times when I was able to calm my autistic overthinking anxious side and through the power of dopamine, I lived. I sat almost naked in a rainbow bathtub in the lobby of Liverpool’s most famous building. For Liverpool Pride, I wore tights and a rainbow-themed pair of briefs, no skirt/trousers, and marched around the city taking photos. Most recently I went for a dip during Storm Darragh and I wasn’t scared.

These events leave me thinking that if I can just get past the anxiety, overthinking, fear and self-doubt then when I’m in the moment I can be OK. That, or if I don’t wear a skirt/trousers and have my arse hanging out of sparkly underwear, I’m OK and can get things done.

So, 2025’s theme. I wish I knew. This year has left me completely burnt out. The idea of doing this all again for another year leaves me depressed. I don’t even want to do 2025, let alone set a theme for it. But, since I have to do it I’m going to go with “Year of keep pushing.” It’s a phrase that Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton often says, and despite a bad year, he had a fantastic final race of this season. No matter what, keep pushing. A noble idea but you can’t push through burn out. Even if you could I was photographed in a bath last year, do I pose in the shower this year?

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Highlights

Being in the moment with ADHD and the Hokey Cokey. Is it possible to be in the moment and enjoy life when my ADHD brain is always overthinking? Can the Hokey Cokey help?
AuDHD - The battle of Autism and ADHD to be a functional human [223]. AuDHD. Autism and ADHD. Two sides of my brain that fight often, but work well. How?
Am I more disabled than I thought I was?. On the 6th anniversary of my Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis I look back and wonder whether I'm doing OK now or do I need more help?
5 years of Hello Computer. Happy birthday to this newsletter that has documented me coming out as non-binary, getting an ADHD diagnosis and wearing a thong to the beach.
Is Cold Water Dipping like BDSM?. It's a bit unusual to go for a cold dip in a storm, but any more so than nipple clamps?

I also started a new newsletter this year called Stargazer. It's focused on LGBTQ+, disabled, neurodivergent photography aiming to promote the work of others and interesting ways of working as a photographer.