The Only Voice I Can Hear

On losing my hearing, and what's left when the noise drowns out everyone but the voice in your own head

Pete Carr

Pete Carr

— 5 min read
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A lonley house sits on a small island in a bay. Green grass is in the foreground.
St Cwyfan's Church. Only accessible at low tide.

The Only Voice I Can Hear

I recently wrote about how my hearing loss, or being deaf, is affecting my connection to the world. I hear enough for it to be overwhelming noise, and not enough to have a simple conversation with my wife across a quiet room. The more I've been thinking about this issue, the more inward I've been turning and the more depressed I have become. The only voice I can clearly hear is the one in my head, and that one is a confirmation-biased depressive dick.

One of the best ways to fight depression is to talk, which I can do, but what is the point when I can't understand the response? As I don't know BSL (British Sign Language), I can't talk to my doctor about this issue in the hope I can get therapy, because there's no guarantee I will be able to understand the therapist. I can't talk to my wife because the conversation becomes me saying "What?" after every sentence. So there's no point in even trying. It will only end with me feeling even more isolated and depressed.

Similarly, there is no point in hanging out with friends because I will miss most of the conversation. Going to a gig? Same. It's just noises, and that voice in my head telling me that life has no meaning.

On the bright side... I have my health? It won't last forever? People aren't worth listening to anyway? I now know how Charlie Brown felt?

Pride the other week was a good example of this. During the muster I was a little overwhelmed by all the people around me. So much noise and chaos. I assumed at some point we would all start marching, but it took about 15–20 minutes to get going. For those 20 minutes I was stressed because I had no idea what was going on, and if someone tried to tell me I would not have been able to hear them. After the march, everyone I knew was standing in chaotic spaces. Town was busy, which was to be expected, but it did not make it any easier. I simply couldn't interact with anyone, and the more people I failed to talk to, the more depressed I became. Of course, the only voice I could hear was the one in my head telling me how everyone now hates me because I wasn't talking to them. In reality, I just couldn't. It was pointless.

I have to admit that I have a problem. The only voice I'm clearly hearing is my depression telling me that life is not worth living any more. My hearing won't get better. When people say "This won't last forever," they clearly aren't losing their hearing. "It will last forever. This is me now." Work was hard enough beforehand just being autistic; now I've got to be deaf too? It's pointless.

I wish I could say there was some magic trick for snapping out of this. A good walk, for example. I'm currently dealing with plantar fasciitis, so a good walk would be excruciatingly painful and worsen my mental health. Touch grass? England and Wales are officially in a drought. There is no more grass. Even if I could do any of those things, none of them would help with my hearing. It's just me and the voice in my head.

That all said, I do have an MRI scan in a few days. That will provide some information on what's going on. After that, a chat with someone about my hearing issues. After that, who knows? And that, my friendly internal depressive voice, is something. But is it enough?

Support

🆘
If any of this resonates, please don't sit with it alone. You don't need BSL to get accessible therapy from SignHealth's service, and RNID's contact line offers Relay UK and BSL video call as alternatives to a phone call, so "no point talking to my doctor" isn't quite the dead end it feels like right now.

Immediate / crisis support

  • Shout — free, confidential 24/7 text support. Text SHOUT to 85258 (or DEAF to 85258 for SignHealth's Deaf-specific crisis text service, also 24/7)
  • Samaritans — call 116 123 (free, 24/7) or email [email protected]. If speaking on the phone isn't accessible, you can use Relay UK: dial 18001 116 123
  • NHS 111 — select the mental health option for 24-hour urgent advice. BSL users can connect via SignVideo.co.uk/nhs111

Deafness and hearing loss

  • RNID — the UK's national deaf and hearing loss charity. Phone 0808 808 0123, text 07360 268 988, email [email protected], or use Relay UK (18001 0808 808 0123) if calling isn't accessible. They also run local drop-in support and BSL video calls
  • SignHealth — the Deaf health charity. Runs BSL Healthy Minds, offering NHS-funded talking therapy delivered entirely in BSL by Deaf or BSL-fluent therapists, so understanding the therapist isn't a barrier

Depression and mental health

  • Mind — information and support line, 0300 123 3393
  • CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) — 0800 58 58 58, 5pm–midnight daily, aimed particularly at men but open to anyone
  • Your GP — you can ask that appointments and any onward referral note your communication needs; you don't need to already have BSL or a solution in hand to raise it.
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A small bay. The tide is in and hitting the dark black rocks in the water. Around the bay is green grass. In the distance is a house.
A small bay on the Welsh island of Anglesey

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About 20 gulls sit on the water in a small cove. The rocks are dark brown and black coloured. There is grass on the top most rocks.
Gulls float on the water in a small cove.

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