Fading Out

Every few years, my oldest friend comes over from the land of maple bacon pancakes that is Toronto. He fails to bring me a hand picked jar of maple, bacon or pancakes but he does bring ketchup. We chat, laugh, argue over nothing important and fail to get the N64 out the loft for a Goldeneye session. It’s nice to have friends you’ve grown old with, who require no thought to be around. Except, this year my responses were mostly “What?”

My hearing feels like it’s fading, and with it is my connection to friends.

As someone who has spent their life dealing with social anxiety, who got to a healthy point in their life when they finally let it all go and just went full ADHD on people, it’s disheartening to feel that anxiety flooding back. How many times can I say "What?" Pretend to hear? Why must every conversation be a battle now, when it never used to be, when I did the work, when I got good at this?

I don’t know how to be deaf. I can still hear bird song, music, watch TV, but to interact with people is more work than it ever used to be, and it used to be hard work. Years ago people did not like that I appeared to be a guy who just sat in a room on their phone, disengaged with the community group I was in. Except I wasn’t disengaged. I was trying to hang on, fight social anxiety and do what I could to be engaged. They did not know I was autistic because I did not. All I knew was it was easier to listen and fidget with my phone than it was to listen and make eye contact. It’s a normal autistic trait, but from the outside it looks like I am bored and ignoring everyone.

There are times when I am still that person due to being overwhelmed by a space, but I’ve got better at handling it over the years. Today though, if I’m in a bar with friends and I’m on my phone it’s more likely that I am bored and needing distraction because I can’t understand anything anyone is saying and I’m tired. My connection to my friends is fading quicker than my hearing.

Links

• Hearing Loss, Autism, and Cognitive Decline | Psychology Today. The disabling effects of autism and hearing loss can have considerable overlap. The threat both pose as we age is considerable—but hearing loss is far more treatable.
• Useful organisations | Hearing Dogs for Deaf People. This is a list of organisations that can provide additional support for people with hearing loss across the UK.
• Living well with hearing loss | Hearing Dogs for Deaf People. Living well with hearing loss means different things to different people. This section explores ways to help including lipreading, using British Sign Language (BSL), support from local networks, and assistive listening technology. 
• RNID - National hearing loss charity. We are RNID: the national charity supporting more than 18 million people in the UK who are deaf, have hearing loss or tinnitus.
• ‘The worse my hearing got, the less sociable I got’: a qualitative study of patient and professional views of the management of social isolation and hearing loss | Age and Ageing | Oxford Academic. Social isolation is a major consequence of hearing loss.
• Autistic & Hard of Hearing: Navigating Autism Communication Differences. Navigate the challenges of being Autistic and Hard of Hearing. Learn coping strategies for autism communication differences, reduce sensory overload, and find autism support within the neurodivergent community.