Hello there. How are things? I’ve had a tough week being battered around by depression triggered by money, comparative thinking, technology issues and the general feeling of everything sucks why bother? I know to fight back against that but it’s incredibly hard going.

hello camera

This week I’m featuring a few photos from a walk around London I took in 2019. I miss going for a wander. No plan. Maybe an end point. The rest is seeing what’s out there.

You can get prints of the photos in this weeks newsletter on my print store or you can tip me on Ko-Fi so I can buy film for my camera.

Permission to feel silly

I’ve been doing some Apple Fitness+ dance activities. I’ve never been a dancer. I always felt socially awkward. I need to know what is right so I feel like what I’m doing is valid. No-one can laugh if I’m doing it right. But dancing is about your moment with the music as much as it’s about a routine. What is my moment? Am I enjoying this song? Did I leave the oven on? Is that Phil? Oh god Phil can see me! What did happen in 2…3…4 Star Trek last night? Phil would know. He’s way better at that. Oh thank fudge the song is over.

I really suck at dancing and I tell myself that as I dance. Thing is that doing these classes with the instructor video I be noticed that the times I don’t get the moves or the rhythm are the times when I’m not letting go. I can’t get a good workout from standing still and analysing the routine. So I started to loosen up and go with the music. You know what? I still sucked but I had fun. The rhythm got me and I for a few minutes I was Ricky Martin living la Vida loca.

Being inside away from the world, away from social anxiety, has helped me so much. I’m not sure how to keep these feelings when I get outside. I try and tell myself that whatever someone else thinks is only their opinion and I don’t need it.

It’s almost like a DDOS. A Distributed Denial of Service. Multiple attacks from various sources designed to bring you down. I need a firewall. I need helpful thoughts.

• They’re knowingly jealous and laughing is their minds way of projecting that
• I’m doing it. I am. More than they are.
• Don’t need to be fighting my negative thoughts and their ghosts. Can only handle one bad brain here.
• Having fun puts me in a good place and if I’m in a good place I’m creative. If I’m creative I can write and photograph.

I haven’t had the chance to put this into practice. What I do know is that when I do these activists and I’m dancing to Ricky Martin I feel great. No one has the right to take that from me. Not my brain or anyone else’s. If there’s something that powers me up to live and work I absolutely need that.

So yeah I feel silly but I let myself feel silly and it’s wonderful 2…3… cha cha cha.

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