Wrong Camera, Good Photos

On anxiety, optimisation and knowing when to stop.

Holyhead, Anglesey during a storm.

Wrong Camera, Good Photos

My “normal” pre-holiday ritual is to review the previous trip and up-end everything in an attempt to make the next one better. “Is it possible I did everything wrong? Yes, so let’s explore that.” “Do I need new socks, underwear, tops, coats, shoes, luggage, or things to do while travelling? Yes, so let’s dive into each one like its a PHD thesis.” It’s classic anxiety or autistic over-analysis, and it’s far from a healthy review of how to make trips more fun.

My worst case of this was 10 years ago, our 2016 trip to NYC. It’s a place I’ve always wanted to visit as I’ve spent my life experiencing it through movies, TV shows and photography. It’s possible that NYC became so revered in my mind, and put on such a high pedestal that the perfect trip was impossible to reach. That did not stop me trying though. But ultimately, the more I tried the worse everything got.

New York City scale is like trying to chose what to watch on Netflix. It’s easy to spend all your time browsing for something to do, rather than actually doing anything. I became so worried I’d miss something on our trip rather than accepting that doing everything is impossible and appreciating the time we had together. This was fueled by classic “What if?” anxiety. “What if this is the only time we ever go? Have to see everything!” At no point did my brain think “What if I see nothing because I can’t make any decisions?” or “What if I ruin my marriage through worrying about making everything perfect?” It’s a classic tale of anxiety, control and how the fear of losing something makes you the cause of issue rather than the solution.

It’s been nearly 10 years since that trip and I would like to say I’m better, but I’m still struggling. “What if I take the wrong socks and they rub meaning I spend the entire trip in pain?” It’s possible, so I must find the perfect socks. A seemingly harmless thought, but one that leads to that bad version of me. So I fix the sock issue, but undies? I’ll take a quick look at undies too. After a few hours I’ve got multiple tabs, shops and AIs helping me find the right undies. But its just undies though. I won’t let myself become 2016 me. It’s just undies.

“What about hoodies? ... Oh good thinking 2026 me.”

I look at hoodies, undies can wait a few days. I spend time discussing what hoodies I have with Claude AI, the composition, activities we’re planning and potential weather for May. After a while I’ve thought too much that I can’t make a decision on whether my trusted hoodie will be fine or if I should buy a new one. The next day I’m back on undies. So I ask Claude, “Microfibre or cotton undies?” Its response is surprising.

You're spiralling.

I am? Wait, what? Where are the search results? I didn’t ask for a mental health check. But maybe I should have? Claude AI continues;

...now you're iterating on underwear fabric because the trip feels real and optimising small things feels like preparation. It's not. It's anxiety displacement. You don't need to buy anything. You don't need the optimal fabric. You need underwear that fits, doesn't chafe, and can be washed once during the trip. You already own that.

OK, but my worries? I need answers. Right?

Stop optimising. The plan is solid. The packing list is done. You're ready. The best thing you can do for this trip now is stop researching and start resting so you're not exhausted before you even board the train.

Go for a walk. Read a book. Do literally anything except think about underwear fabrics. You're sorted. Trust it.

Maybe I don’t need answers. Maybe I need to stop searching, and by searching I mean use Google for anxiety validation. See, Google never called me out. Google just kept returning search results to my enquiries. It kept feeding my anxiety without providing real answers. Dozens of opinions from influencers did not help me decide what socks, undies, bag, notebook, or camera to take. But surely someone knew and so I kept searching. But Claude AI, it noticed a pattern and called me out on it rather than doing what I asked. Fascinating.

Now of course, you could and should argue that the real voice of reason in my life is my wife. The woman I love who I put through my endless stream of anxiety-powered conversations, who 10 years ago highlighted how everything would be fine and I should relax. I should have listened to her then, and on the numerous times since. “But what if I can make the next trip better? I’ll just check.” A hard urge to fight because why wouldn’t you want to make something better? Except deep down I know it won’t. It will corrode rather than correct.

The experience with Claude AI was interesting and useful, but it is the real people in my life that I should listen to first and foremost. What is useful though, is having a tool that can point out these patterns before it becomes an issue. That harmless feeling of curiosity can quickly become corrosive. Watching dozens of Youtube videos and reading Reddit all day is not actually a helpful way to plan for a trip, but nothing stops you and before you know it everything is wrong and there’s no way the trip will be fun.

Which reminds me of a trip to Holyhead, on the island of Anglesey in North Wales. I thought I packed well for a hike, but alas I did not prepare for torrential rain. I had a non-waterproof camera and a hoodie that soaked up water like a sponge, and of course my outer coat kept that water close to my skin for the entire trip. It was not a good setup, and I was depressed. However... after a while I began to realise that it was all part of the adventure. I stopped worrying about my camera, or that there was not a single dry spot on me and I embraced the view ahead. In the end, it was a good walk and despite having the “wrong” camera, I got some wonderful photos.

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