Safe Mode

It's a Thursday and I'm sat by the industrial River Mersey watching the tugs sail off to do some tugging. Behind me are some large trees. Big, green and full of bird song. The tugs wake causes waves which crash into the prom wall releasing negative irons into the air which increase the release of serotonin in my brain. The sun glistens on the water like disco balls and glitter at a queer party. I sip my tea and feel happy. I've earned this.

When I say "I've earned this.", I don't mean I've spent the last week hard at work, burning the midnight oil under immense pressure. I mean I've spent 20 years working on my mental health to reach this point in my life. The point whereby I appreciate the simple joy of getting up early and out into the world on a sunny day. I've swam about in a lake. Had a chat with friends. Enjoyed a Greg's coffee and cycled back home just in time to head down the prom with my wife before she gets the ferry 'cross the Mersey. It’s taken 20 years of hard work to understand that this is what I need.

As a kid, I did not go out. The sun was harsh, bright and overwhelming. Hay fever made it hard to cope outdoors when my face was always itching and exploding. All the kids were into sports and my hand eye coordination made me struggle to be of any use to them so I was laughed at for being rubbish. Why would I go outside when I could stay home with my computer? That world made sense. A space I could explore without judgement or fear. Code was logical. If this, then that. My curiosity was rewarded and it felt good to make things. This led to a life long love of coding, computers and curiously exploring the web from the safety of the indoors. Those things would always be there for me when the world was too much and people were hard to interact with.

And yet, as I sit here by the water, I wonder if it's been a safety blanket for me? Have I been indulging my autistic side rather than embracing my ADHD side? Have I been staying in comfy safe spaces, hyperfocusing and exploring logical systems rather than throwing my clothes up into the sky and letting my ADHD run wild with naked ambition?

It's safer, and easier to hide away in my phone or computer and tinker than it is to go outside and engage with the world. Due to being autistic my brain can easily be overwhelmed by sound, light, smells, chaos, or even decisions at the wrong time. It makes sense to run away into my computer. I’m safe there, coding, learning, or playing games. I can be stimulated by a level of sensory input that I am in completely control of. The issue is, resurfacing. Sometimes I stay too long in there and find it hard to leave.

Why would I leave?

If I stay, I’m safe and my brain is stimulated by coding or games. But if I leave, I risk being overwhelmed by the world but the reward is so much greater. My body gets a workout as much as my brain does. That in turn makes me feel good about myself in a way that my computer has never offered. I go places, see things, engage with people and feel... present.

Of course it’s all about the right time and place. My seaside home is quiet on a weekday morning. Just the commuters and the doggers, walking their dogs. But the weekend... That is not a space where I feel present. So many people, cars, traffic, noise chaos and families using PA system sized speakers to broadcast music to the entire beach. No. Absolutely not. That for me is a solid reason to stay at home and play on my Steam Deck.

So I think what I’ve realised is that if I can find ways, times, and places to enjoy the world away from most of the chaos of the world, then it will be good for me in a multitude of ways. There will be times when I need the safety of a good video game at home, and that’s fine. But really, I need to get my arse outside and wander with my camera. That will create a healthier me more than staying in and being safe will. But in places where most people aren’t, because people are noisy.

Links

• I quit drinking for a year. out of spite
• LunarWall: Shuffle Moon Photos from Artemis II On Your Lock Screen or Mac Desktop.
• Stunning Artemis II Phone Wallpapers. NASA has made available more than a dozen mobile wallpapers of photos taken during the Artemis II mission for free download. Basic Apple Guy has made some wallp
• Be My Eyes Announces New Accessibility Features for Meta Smart Glasses. Last week, San Francisco-based Be My Eyes (BME) announced it’s working alongside Meta to develop new accessibility features for Meta’s ever-popular Ray-Bans and Oakley smart glasses. Be My Eyes said wearers now are able to “connect hands-free to trusted friends and family groups and corporate serv
• Bumblebee Queens Breathe Underwater to Survive Drowning, Revealing How They Can Live Submerged for a Week. After scientists accidentally discovered that the common eastern bumblebee can withstand flood conditions, they wanted to investigate what makes that super-ability possible
• 7 BSL channels and Deaf v/bloggers that kept me engaged during the pandemic!. During the pandemic, social media has come into its own. Even for those who were not previously users of this medium, it has become a lifeline for self-expression, a way to converse with others during lockdown about topics that affect their lives, it enables us to share experiences, to be able to talk fearlessly about our everyday lives and own stories and take comfort from the experiences of others.The poor accessibility of information and new communication barriers, such as the facemasks, have
• "There’s no shame in doing what it takes to carve out space in a world that wasn’t designed for us" | Unlimited. Byron Vincent shares his experiences and insights of working across the globe as a disabled artist.